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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP of nearly 50 still needing to discuss decisions with parent

91 replies

theprincessmittens · 08/09/2020 15:09

I've been in a relationship with DP for 11 years. I'm 52, DP turns 50 later this year. DP's father does not approve of me for various reasons, so I've not seen either of DP's parents for the last 4 years. I live 200 miles away from DP and his parents.

DP's father has given him £1K as a birthday present...paid it straight into DP's bank account. DP decided to use the money to take both of us on holiday to a Greek island later this month. After yesterday's announcement, I suggested to DP that we move the holiday to next April/May...it would actually be £200 cheaper to do so. DP is also not certain his job would be happy with him having to quarantine when we return...

AIBU to be annoyed when DP then said he'd need to talk to his father first? I asked why on Earth he needed to do so, surely the decision is between the two of us, as the people actually going on the holiday? Any money refunded would go back to DP, not his father.

DP has a history of telling his parents too much, it's caused problems before. I don't like DP's father in particular as he treats us both like stupid 16 year olds...it was the main reason I decided to cut contact. In my eyes, DP going to his father like this just encourages it.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 08/09/2020 15:52

'Hey Dad, can I order a takeaway pizza tonight'?

Would drive me round the bend, this is where I usually say Thank God you don't live with him!

nokidshere · 08/09/2020 15:59

You say he has a history of such behaviour and that you have been in a relationship for 11yrs so why has it bothered you this time?

I guess after all this time with no change you need to either let him get on with it and ignore or decide to call it a day. Because you cannot decide what he chooses to discuss/share with his dad.

Mary46 · 08/09/2020 16:00

Def a control thing op.. my mam got in a snot over holidays one year. I told her Im an adult dont need to check it with my mother.

nokidshere · 08/09/2020 16:00

Hey Dad, can I order a takeaway pizza tonight

That's teenager code for 'on your account' in our house

ktp100 · 08/09/2020 16:02

Wowzers, your DP sounds like hard work!

Have either of you got kids? I just can't imagine him parenting!!

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:02

@AttilaTheMeerkat

This level of commitment suits me. I wish DP was in the same city as me, but I still wouldn't want to live with him. For my mental health - I'm bipolar - I've found I'm happier living on my own.

@yelyah22

No kids - something else I think his parents are pissed off with me about, I took their last chance of grandchildren. Even though I was 41 when we met and there was no way I would have had children then anyway...

His eyes have been opened somewhat since 2016 and a certain vote - his father has swallowed the Boris party line hook and sinker and DP is the complete opposite politically. They've had some big fights over it. It's made DP realise how much of a control freak his father actually is.

@knittingaddict His parents are very comfortably off. However there is a distinct 'my money, your money' situation...DP keeps saying his father gave the money...I always correct him to 'your parents' - pointing out they are married so it is joint money. His father definitely doesn't see it that way, very old fashioned. Even though the mother worked, his father had the 'big job' so therefore it's his house, his savings, his pension etc.

Puzzlelover · 08/09/2020 16:06

Your relationship could work then, as you are happy not living with him. Thinking of boundaries, perhaps set one along the lines of not only you not visiting his parents as now, but also let him know that you don't want to hear about his father at all.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:08

@DDIJ Lived away since university. Never married but 1 long term relationship before me. He didn't start dating until after university.

@nokidshere Because it's a decision that will affect me. Usually I do ignore but this time I felt the need to say something.

@ktp100 No, I've never wanted children and DP basically left it too late. DP said to me last year he's glad he didn't have kids as his father would have been a nightmare over controlling them. His mother in particular is pissed off that she's the only one of her siblings that doesn't have grandchildren, and I think DP feels guilty about that.

yelyah22 · 08/09/2020 16:09

It's made DP realise how much of a control freak his father actually is.

Then there's hope - even if he finds himself reverting to the norm. It's a tricky one, because if you push too hard about his dad you might find him shutting down or defending him (as lots of us do with family). But it might be worth a gentle conversation where you say "I know your dad likes things a certain way, but I worry that you still defer to him on a lot of things - like the holiday - and it could be good to set some firmer boundaries with him for your own sanity."

And maybe don't accept money from the old fashioned (sexist sounding) windbag ;)

Alongcameacat · 08/09/2020 16:10

YANBU.

DH can be similar as in he tells his parents quite a lot and their approval means too much to him.
I think he is a product of his upbringing as his siblings do the same. Parents are over involved and over analytical,, his mother is a matriarchal figure and is manipulative which DH acknowledges only when glaringly obvious. For the rest of the time, he excuses it as her trying to be helpful. It has caused a lot of friction between us.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2020 16:10

I seriously doubt his father not liking you has anything to do with you as a person. He doesn't like you, or any partner his son might have, because it threatens his control over his son.

emmathedilemma · 08/09/2020 16:10

I think some people are just like that, I have a friend who's similar, will ask her dad before making any "big" decisions yet she's a married mum of two. Similarly, some people can't go a day without phoning their parents. Personally i find both a bit weird but i think a lot of it is habit as much as needing to.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:12

@yelyah22 TBH, I really wish DP had used the money on something just for himself. I don't like feeling like I 'owe' his father anything, however indirectly. I've already told DP it doesn't change a thing for me, I still won't be having any contact with them.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2020 16:12

I'd be expecting his father to threaten your partner over his inheritance at some point if he cares challenge his dad. Oldest trick in the book.

stovetopespresso · 08/09/2020 16:13

@noirchatsdeux

Not in a snarky way, but I'd love to know the reasoning of anyone who thinks I am being unreasonable. In case there is a angle I've not considered, etc

umm, maybe he's trying to be courteous, and the unfortunate family dynamic make things super awkward and he misses the support of partner and parents working together as a team (you said you are not seeing them), I guess this could mean he feels insecure and explain his child-like response. thats all I got. really I think he needs to put his big boy pants on

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:15

@Aquamarine1029 Thank you. You are right...apparently his father disliked his exGF even more than me! I've met her - they are still friends and she is lovely - and when DP wasn't in earshot she mentioned how much she hated his father!

RedHelenB · 08/09/2020 16:16

I think yabu because you don't live together. Up to your boyfriend who he wants to ask advice from surely?

Alongcameacat · 08/09/2020 16:17

Similarly, some people can't go a day without phoning their parents
I feel the same because in my family we don't talk to one another. We make small talk out of a sense of duty and there is usually heavy criticism involved over anything remotely personal. All conversation is iimited.
I find it alien because of my own circumstances. But I really hope DC will call and visit me frequently and allow me to remain an active part of their lives.
I think the key to this is being non judgemental.

stovetopespresso · 08/09/2020 16:17

are they from a different culture? sounds a bit italian to me....

DDIJ · 08/09/2020 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

updownroundandround · 08/09/2020 16:18

Good grief, I'm lost as to how

You keep a relationship going when he lives 200 miles away ?
He's still being treated like a child when he's a middle aged man ffs.
He still lives with his parents...........

I'm actually gobsmacked................................

I don't see how you can change anything except by dumping him (which is not what you've asked), as this weird power dynamic has suited both him and his parents for over 50 years

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 08/09/2020 16:22

How deeply unattractive.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2020 16:23

Good lord. Has he generally been single before your relationship? No children?

He sounds utterly stunted.

Are you actually happy with him and the relationship as it stands? On paper it sounds horrendous (and I would really struggle to find a non-adult like this attractive) but it's long distance, you clearly have no plans to live together or join your lives - so maybe it suits you.

What are the reasons his father doesn't 'approve' of you - it's ridiculous just typing that!!! - hmmm, would they be that you don't stand there like a 16 year old and ask if you and DP are allowed to stay out until ten on a week night on the times you've visited him?!?!?

Ludicrous.

The one thing that would really push me away is that he clearly would never stand up for you - or stand with you - but maybe you don't need that from him.

On the holiday - I'd breezily say - 'Oh if you have to ask Daddy what you should do, just count me out. I go on holiday with adults, not teenagers.'

Fuck it if he doesn't like it. His Dad is clearly allowed to disapprove of you... so you're allowed to disapprove of him!

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:27

@RedHelenB I should have put 'permission' not 'advice'...

@stovetopespresso No, British born and bred. I'm not, however, which is also a mark against me....his father voted UKIP. That's the sort of person he is.

@DDIJ No - his father is actually very tight usually. I was extremely surprised when DP told me how much he was getting as a birthday present. And I know that my very personal private information has been shared with them. DP used to be far worse, believe it or not, at keeping his mouth shut.

@updownroundandround He doesn't live with them.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2020 16:31

Sorry OP I missed your namechange.

Yes, the no children/living together situation frees you somewhat... and yet, it doesn't. Be prepared, over time, for his father to use his mother's ill health as a way to tighten his control.

I'd certainly have a red line drawn when it comes to your DP sharing information, and no, I'd never have any contact whatsoever. Nope. And I'd be upfront about straight talking re his dad - no, I don't like him, he's controlling and not nice and has done you a lot of damage as a person. And suggest therapy.

You are lucky that you are free to do this as leaving him is easy.

But you might want to think about what an easier, closer, adult-adult relationship might look like.

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