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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP of nearly 50 still needing to discuss decisions with parent

91 replies

theprincessmittens · 08/09/2020 15:09

I've been in a relationship with DP for 11 years. I'm 52, DP turns 50 later this year. DP's father does not approve of me for various reasons, so I've not seen either of DP's parents for the last 4 years. I live 200 miles away from DP and his parents.

DP's father has given him £1K as a birthday present...paid it straight into DP's bank account. DP decided to use the money to take both of us on holiday to a Greek island later this month. After yesterday's announcement, I suggested to DP that we move the holiday to next April/May...it would actually be £200 cheaper to do so. DP is also not certain his job would be happy with him having to quarantine when we return...

AIBU to be annoyed when DP then said he'd need to talk to his father first? I asked why on Earth he needed to do so, surely the decision is between the two of us, as the people actually going on the holiday? Any money refunded would go back to DP, not his father.

DP has a history of telling his parents too much, it's caused problems before. I don't like DP's father in particular as he treats us both like stupid 16 year olds...it was the main reason I decided to cut contact. In my eyes, DP going to his father like this just encourages it.

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:33

@FizzyGreenWater Thank you for making me laugh! DP knows exactly what I think of his father - I've not exactly been shy at coming forward!(especially after a drink or two).

The reasons Father doesn't like me?

I'm foreign
I'm Catholic
I'm bipolar
I'm two years older than DP
I've been married (twice) before
I went NC with my own father 30 years ago
I'm a freelance journalist who often gets paid to go on holiday (ha!)
I'm still good friends with my last ex husband (he looks after the cats when I go on holiday with DP...and vice versa)
I live in a city Father doesn't approve of (seriously)

And probably most importantly - I don't treat the father with the deference he feels he deserves...because, as I've often pointed out to DP, he.is.not.my.father! Just another stupid 72 year old racist homophobic man, to me.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2020 16:37

Hahaha

Oh I do hope you at least have some fun out of this.

'I should ask Dad...'

'Oh yes definitely! I was wondering earlier who would be the best person to consult on XX dilemma, and was thinking to myself 'If only we had the wisdom of a racist, sexist, homophobic Brexiter to call on!' You're right DP. Get him on the phone now!'

DDIJ · 08/09/2020 16:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

yelyah22 · 08/09/2020 16:38

His father sounds like a right dick. You sound GREAT though... I think I agree with FizzyGreen, lots of boundaries and suggest therapy, but you also deserve someone who's going to be able to be an equal, adult member of your relationship. Does he defend you when his dad expresses his dislike of all your () crimes?

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:40

@DDIJ It very nearly was. But with my mental health problems (and the fact that medication for such has made me very overweight) finding someone willing to put up or even be attracted to me is now very slight. Better the devil I know, I suppose.

Regarding the disapproval, I 99.9% don't care. The tiny bit that does is because I had very good relations with my exPILs and I miss that sometimes, especially as I have no family in the UK.

DDIJ · 08/09/2020 16:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2020 16:42

And I know that my very personal private information has been shared with them. DP used to be far worse, believe it or not, at keeping his mouth shut

I'm sure you have already, but I'd be making it very clear to DP that he has no permission to so much as mention my name to them, and if he so much as tells them what you had for dinner, he's dumped.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:45

@FizzyGreenWater Have you been listening to my conversations? I'm crying with laughter here!

My name is indeed verboten to his parents. I feel sorry for his mum, I think she liked me somewhat but was a bit of a doormat (and very two faced) so would ultimately go along with what his father said/wanted. Threw me under the bus too many times, so she's included in the NC.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 16:53

@yelyah22 Yes, DP does defend me. There was a serious ruckus a few years ago where DP was invited to a cousin's wedding and I wasn't. DP's father took great pleasure in telling DP that I wasn't invited as he'd told said cousin not to invite me ... (and the stupid cow went along with it). I think he'd threatened not to attend himself if I was invited.

DP promptly told cousin that he wouldn't attend without me. OMG the fucking blowback he got from that! His parents acted like it was the sodding Royal Wedding. It went on for months, right up til the day of. The funny thing was even if I had been invited we wouldn't have gone as neither of us could get the time off work! (married midweek at the other end of the country)

Hiddennameforever · 08/09/2020 17:07

My DH is the same.
He discuss everything with his parents. He is 42.
He won’t listen what I say,only to realises later I was right.
If mum and dad approve, then maybe he says: oh you were right..

Benjispruce2 · 08/09/2020 17:09

You live 200 miles from your DP?

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 17:12

@Benjispruce2 Yep. He'd loose at least £10K a year if he moved to my city to do the same job. Can't afford that at the moment. Add on that I don't want him living with me full time anyway and the current arrangement suits us both.

Benjispruce2 · 08/09/2020 17:14

That might account for the fact he is closer in ways to his parents than you. Have you name changed?

merrymouse · 08/09/2020 17:19

Not in a snarky way, but I'd love to know the reasoning of anyone who thinks I am being unreasonable. In case there is a angle I've not considered, etc

After 11 years he isn't going to change, so the only relevant question is what do you want to do?

It doesn't matter what angle anyone else suggests.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 17:24

@Benjispruce2 Yes NC (meant to do it before posting).

I asked DP once if he felt he had a close relationship with his father.
His reaction was 'God no'. He finds his father very unsympathetic and judgemental. They don't do anything together and DP would never go to his parents with a personal problem.

The reason he's gone to him this time is because even though the money was given to DP as a gift, he somehow seems to think his father has a say on how it is spent.

KatherineofTarragon · 08/09/2020 17:24

I would let DP use the £1k for something else in his own right and pay my own half for the holiday, totally eliminating any outside interference. I personally would not allow anyone to pay for my holiday , no matter how well meaning or involved we were.

Maybe DP feels because it is a large amount of money he just wants to make sure that his parents are happy he spends it frivolously ?

Has your Dp had any past debt issues? Have DP's parents had to bail him out in the past? That is a lot of money for a parent to give a 50 yr old successful son with his own assets and income as a birthday gift? Normally a pack of socks and a M&S PJ set is the norm?

Unless this is a 50th special gift? Either way i suspect DP's parents may not want you to have any benefit from it.

I would suggest you and DP pay for the holiday yourselves- keep it separate.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 17:26

@merrymouse I know there is nothing I can do apart from what I've already done/said to DP. I just wanted to know what others thought about the situation.

KatherineofTarragon · 08/09/2020 17:27

DP's father does not approve of me for various reasons, so I've not seen either of DP's parents for the last 4 years.

I feel herein lies the key.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 17:32

@KatherineofTarragon It is a special 50th birthday present. They originally wanted DP to have a big family party, and he said no.

I wanted him to use it for something else that I didn't benefit from, but ultimately I can't tell him what to do with his own money. Believe me, I'm not happy about the whole situation but he really wants me to go with him. I even suggested he take his mother instead...

My work is usually getting paid to go on holiday...of course this year that's all gone out the window. I really can't afford to pay for even half a holiday at the moment. I'm perfectly fine with not having any holidays this year but he is dead set on us going.

Benjispruce2 · 08/09/2020 17:34

It would be a deal breaker for me especially as it’s not a new relationship.

KatherineofTarragon · 08/09/2020 17:41

I think you just have to be honest with your DP and say you cannot afford the holiday and while its a kind gesture you cannot accept.

There are clearly some issues between you and his family. I personally would not go on a holiday , effectively paid for by people i have a bad relationship with. This is why he needs to check.

If he loves you he will respect your decision and allow you the time to save for the holiday.

katy1213 · 08/09/2020 17:46

He's not really a partner is he? More a boyfriend without prospects.

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 17:46

Can he go ahead and do something if his father disapproves? Or is it so uncomfortable for him to do something his father disapproves of that he cannot do it. If so, some ''decision''.

nosswith · 08/09/2020 17:51

A man who overshares, or indeed a woman who overshares, and cannot do anything without consulting a parent, is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

Your DPs father supporting and defending a mass killer would mean I could not accept anything from him.

JenniferSantoro · 08/09/2020 17:51

I don’t like it when my husband tells his father things about our finances, ie, how much we paid for a car or motorbike. He doesn’t ask him what he thinks but I have to remind him whenever we spend a lot of money on something, not to tell his dad the specifics of the deal. I suppose this is a lesser annoyance than what you have. I don’t blame you for not being happy with this.

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