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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my friend's response was bitchy?

89 replies

StartingAgain33 · 07/09/2020 18:23

My friend and I often text about what's going on in our dating lives. I started chatting with a guy few days ago and, sounds silly, but he's the first in a very long time that I feel genuinely excited about (we have loads in common and he's just my type physically etc). He's also been really attentive, keen to meet etc. and just generally nice.

I texted her incredulously (and jokily!!) that I'm shocked someone so hot and seemingly nice has the time to be so attentive as I assume he's got loads of other women interested. I said I wonder whether he's one of those blokes that I really fancy but that other women actually find quite odd-looking (this does happen from time to time, I have quirky taste!)

I was expecting her to laugh and say haha, yes he does look a bit odd - or, don't be silly, of course he'd like you (as I would do to her - I am ALWAYS building her up like this), but instead she texted back 'He's being nice because he hasn't met you' (!!!)

She then a few messages later said 'Not to be cynical - but this is the part they can deal with - they like this bit', which I guess makes it feel less personal, but the initial message was quite hurtful.

I also feel like she just sometimes makes little digs like this that are disguised to make me feel a bit shit, particularly if I'm lacking in confidence at the time. She's also done it about my appearance when we've been together and getting ready etc. If I need the slightest bit of reassurance, she sort of uses it as a way to make me feel bad.

But maybe I'm just overly sensitive?

Her sister is super bitchy to her about her appearance so perhaps it's just her family culture and she doesn't notice. But I really don't like it, as I do a lot to make her feel good about herself, compliment her a lot because I know she feels self conscious about her appearance.

If it's useful background, she has had really bad luck with men for years and years. I have also had bad luck, but I objectively get a lot more interest and decent behavior / have had actual relationships with nice people etc. She says she doesn't care about this, but I think she does.

I would never assume she's jealous, but I just don't see where these kinds of bitchy comments come from.

I always give her the most generous interpretation of events when she's rejected and looking for answers, but occasionally I do tell her when I feel like she's not doing herself any favours (ie chasing men who clearly aren't interested) and tell her she deserves better. Maybe I shouldn't do this, even though she seems to be asking me for advice.

Or am I massively overreacting here, and I should just forget it?

OP posts:
ZoeTurtle · 07/09/2020 18:25

She might be trying to knock you. She might be annoyed at you fishing for compliments. She might just be cautious and not wanting to build you up for a disappointment. She might be a negative person and it isn't personal to you.

None of us can say. You know her.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/09/2020 18:26

I think as you sent a jokey text, she did the same. I don't see bitchy behaviour at all.

RedHelenB · 07/09/2020 18:28

I took it as a joke from what you've written.

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2020 18:29

I also don’t see that as bitchy either, I’d text something like that as a joke to one of my friends.

shropshire11 · 07/09/2020 18:29

I would be wary of over-analysing this. People can receive texts while they're on-the-move, or can write things that are open to misinterpretation. If she has bad luck with men, maybe best to save the fawning over your partner until things are a bit more developed :)

quepoe · 07/09/2020 18:30

Could you take the "he hasn't met you yet" to mean that he is in the early stages of wooing, and that's why he seems so great...rather than anything negative about you?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/09/2020 18:34

It sounds like she is talking about her experiences rather than being bitchy to you.

daisychain1620 · 07/09/2020 18:38

I would have taken it as a joke but if she's not normally a jokey type then it doesn't sound very nice at all.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 07/09/2020 18:41

Seriously, yabu. She was telling you they like the chase and will likely communicate less after the first meet. That's dating 101 tbh!!

malificent7 · 07/09/2020 18:41

She spunds cynical rather than bitchy. I know it sounds like she's trying to piss on your chips but perhaps laugh it off . I think it helps to have a healthy cynicism about old.
Also, dont confide in her about stuff like this if her cynicism is getting you down.

malificent7 · 07/09/2020 18:42

Also if she has had bad luck with men just dont rub it in her face. Talk about other stuff.

Beautiful3 · 07/09/2020 18:43

I took that to be a joke.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 07/09/2020 18:45

I agree with pp it doesnt sound like a comment aimed at you but dating in general, that men put more effort in before you meet then they get a bit less attentive

DeeTractor · 07/09/2020 18:49

Don't see where/how she's bitchy at all tbh.

StartingAgain33 · 07/09/2020 18:51

Thanks all, useful comments here.

As @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult says, most likely is probably that she is talking about her own experiences and being cynical as she has had that happen quite a bit. It does make me feel a bit crap being around it as tbh I'm very cynical myself nowadays and it just confirms my worst fears. I was just looking for some light hearted positivity to counter that.

I don't think it was a joke from the tone and the rest of what she said, also from the way she talks about men in general.

A couple of people have said maybe I shouldn't share when I'm excited with her if she's had bad luck. I've been really quiet on telling her stuff this year because of this, just giving her topline info and not sharing when I'm feeling good about something. I just don't have that many other single friends and got really excited about this one, so let it slip! But I'll go back to being quiet on this front again.

Shame - I think she only likes to hear when I'm having bad luck or rejected too. I feel like I have to filter all the good bits out or I get these sorts of comments.

I don't like the idea of making her feel bad, so hope I haven't.

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 07/09/2020 18:52

She is clearly being bitchy and makes herself feel better by putting you down. So you should probably look for reassurance elsewhere in future as she’s unlikely to change. You might also find that challenging her in future might eventually get her to stop.

Unfortunately there are lots of similar people on here who love nothing better than to gaslight others on AIBU who ask if people in their lives are being bitchy when it could easily be argued that they are. I’m referring to many of the posts you’ve received already! YANBU

StartingAgain33 · 07/09/2020 18:56

Thanks @TreadLightly3, that's an interesting perspective. If this was your friend, would you remain friends or just drop it? She's one of those people I feel close to sometimes and really appreciate, and then at other times completely question whether she's got my best interest at heart, and tbh I don't really see the point in being friends with people like that, unless you keep it really superficial (and we wouldn't really work superficially).

OP posts:
Soundbyte · 07/09/2020 18:57

It sounds to me that she’s being negative about men rather than negative about you. Self centred maybe but not bitchy imo.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/09/2020 19:05

It really doesn't sound as though you like her. Why are women so often "friends" with people they don't like? Ironically, this pressure to be or appear "nice" is hard to maintain long term if you don't like the person you're "friends" with, and actually leads to nastiness.

BIRDSbirds · 07/09/2020 19:06

I think it's more about her cynicism about dating than about you.

blarrr · 07/09/2020 19:07

It's difficult to tell. But now you think you've sussed something, why don't you test it out? Try telling her how well it's going and see whether you get a positive or negative response.

Maybe you are a little over-sensitive, or maybe your gut is telling you the truth about this girl. Just be more aware and watch her responses.

If you realise that she doesn't want the best for you and there is some jealousy, then it's not a true friendship and you can't really trust her. There would be little point bringing it up with her, because she is unlikely to admit it, and will probably blame you in some way.
I'd then find a way to slip out of a close friendship with her (blame work or something neutral) and perhaps have her as an acquaintance that you are always "so lovely to see you, what a shame we don't get to see each other often anymore..."

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2020 19:09

I also don’t think you like her very much. Why are you friends with her if that’s the case?

I’d text that to my friends, them me, and we would laugh, with a response or something like “poor sod should be running fast 🤣” but we like each other. So it wouldn’t be an issue.

Daphnise · 07/09/2020 19:09

If you are so sensitive you are going to be hurt by dating of the sort you are engaging in.

StartingAgain33 · 07/09/2020 19:10

@ShebaShimmyShake I do like her. But I don't like her words sometimes. Because I like her and would rather keep close to her, I'm trying to work out whether I'm totally overreacting or not. If I didn't actually like her I wouldn't bother.

OP posts:
blarrr · 07/09/2020 19:13

I see that some people would text this kind of thing as a joke, but clearly OP and this friend don't have that jokey kind of friendship. I do with some friends, but not others. It's not to do with how good or close the friendships are - more about a friend's personality and whether they have a sense of humour or not much.

I'm guessing that OP knows her friend's personality well, and this comment was unsettling because she wouldn't joke in this way

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