Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To uninvite family to our wedding?

90 replies

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 10:21

As much as I want to think lockdown has something to do with it, the more I think about it the more I'm against paying for people who couldn't care less about being there but are just doing it because "it's expected".

Even the children made a note of it "doesn't granny know about the wedding, why hasn't she said a thing". The teenage cousins haven't met the baby (he's 10 months old now) and by the looks of it they'd meet the baby at wedding (and we all live locally).

I know people have said that we have a baby, own a house, second wedding, etc so people are not as invested, but complete indifference seems a bit too much.

My DP and I talked about it a bit and more or less agree. I might be being petty but I don't feel comfortable with inviting people who don't really care but if they're not there they'll get offended.

OP posts:

crowsfeet57 · 07/09/2020 10:24

I think you need to give us a bit more information.

Boom45 · 07/09/2020 10:26

Having a very small wedding with just a few close friends is totally your choice. As is not inviting some family members you dont see much of - but excluding just some family members from a wedding might end your relationship with those family members (and possibly others in the fall out) entirely. If that's ok with you the crack on - but not inviting someone to a wedding is a very public break with them and that will create some drama around your wedding so it's worth weighing that up when making your decision

MagMell · 07/09/2020 10:27

How do you know they don't care about attending your wedding? Do you just mean they aren't talking about it to you? That sounds a bit unreasonable to me, especially if the chief 'offender' is an elderly woman living through a pandemic. And I honestly wouldn't read anything into the lack of interest in teenage cousins in a baby -- teenagers are pretty much absorbed in their own lives, especially at the moment, when times are pretty strange.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 10:30

Well we never received a "congratulations" from any of our direct family members (in either side). We spent a week with his family and we only got asked if we'd planned anything but just as a passing comment.

We are prey much our own unit, we've always been this way but for the same reason it makes most sense to just have a ceremony with our children.

OP posts:

AlrightTreacle · 07/09/2020 10:32

I think the harsh truth is that the only people who really care about a wedding enough to talk about it before it has happened, are the people who are getting married themselves, and maybe their parents (though not always).

Teenage cousins as in your nieces and nephews? Have you invited them round? Do you have much of a relationship with them?

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 10:36

They're not my side of the family. My family is literally spread around the world so they don't count (although again they haven't said anything and at least my mother knows how much it means to me). His relationship with his sister is odd to say the least but she's the one who has been invited to our place and never showed up

OP posts:

Magicbabywaves · 07/09/2020 10:39

I think invite the people you like and enjoy spending time with. I was thinking how reduced numbers at a wedding now would mean that I would find it preferable to have friends rather than family. Obviously that’s easier said than done.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 10:39

I always wanted to elope anyways. It was my DP who had an issue with it. But I think he's starting to think that it might make more sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 11:08

It was always supposed to be a very small thing anyways (20 max). I would have preferred to get married in my birth country with my friends and family (my family can travel anyways but my friends is slightly more complicated) bit then he said his family would never go so had to settle with getting married here. Then I said it really wasn't what I wanted as it would be his guests for the most part and would make me feel lonely so I would rather elope. The wedding has always been for his family to some extent.

OP posts:

MagMell · 07/09/2020 11:14

I'm not clear -- is there actually a wedding date, and have these family members actually been invited, so you would have to literally tell them they were now uninvited because of their lack of interest? Or is this just at the early planning stage, with no date, venue or invitations gone out?

I would definitely not have a wedding I didn't want, whether for my own family or my future spouses. We didn't invite either of our families, although we're fond of them, just got married with two witnesses, as neither of us wanted the fuss and expense of a wedding.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 11:19

We've told them dates but no invitations have been sent. It s been more like we're getting married next spring told them the date and that was it. I think it would be fairly easy/straight forward to say we couldn't wait and just decided to get married sooner than expected.

OP posts:

MagMell · 07/09/2020 11:22

Then do that, if you're both in agreement. DH and I have never regretted our choice to just bob into the register office on our lunchbreak with two friends who were free during the day.

Elsewyre · 07/09/2020 11:25

"The teenage cousins haven't met the baby (he's 10 months old now) and by the looks of it they'd meet the baby at wedding "

Teenagers of course being famous for their strong distant family focus and interest in babies.

roarfeckingroarr · 07/09/2020 11:27

@Elsewyre

"The teenage cousins haven't met the baby (he's 10 months old now) and by the looks of it they'd meet the baby at wedding "

Teenagers of course being famous for their strong distant family focus and interest in babies.

😂😂😂

Boulshired · 07/09/2020 11:31

With these types of thread the reactions of family members are not in your control. You can do whatever you like and they can react however they like. Clean cuts in weddings are usually best, so just witnesses, just parents, just friends.i have seen families split forever not because of not receiving an invitation but because of others who did get invited instead of them.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 11:33

Well their own grandma thinks it's strange. But even then their mum has only seen the baby twice. But that side is fairly convoluted as far as I can tell anyways.

OP posts:

minnieok · 07/09/2020 11:40

Do what is right for you. There's no right or wrong. For me I want a church wedding, followed by dinner at a restaurant (pay your own way), second marriage for both but the church bit matters to me (my good friend is a Vicar too so he will be there). My thinking is we will send the date to friends and family and say let us know if you want to come, giving them the option not to bother, the only people we want there are our DD's (all adults). Might sound wrong to others but we make vows before god not random family members we don't see.

Still a while off because I need to get round to filing divorce paperwork, amicable, waiting 2 years now waiting for court backlog from covid to ease.

AlrightTreacle · 07/09/2020 11:42

But even then their mum has only seen the baby twice.

Well we have just had a fair few months of not being able to see family members to be fair, plus you say your DP has an odd relationship with his sister. Doesn't seem like he has much of relationship with his teen nieces/nephews either, so it's hardly surprising they're not too bothered about seeing the baby. Families are strange and complicated, try not to take it personally.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/09/2020 11:47

It is a peculiar time most people don't get overly excited about others wedding plans unless they're super close.
Have you invited them to visit the baby yet?

BackforGood · 07/09/2020 11:49

I think your expectations of people's 'excitement' are unrealistic..

If I've read your posts right, you are an already established (presumably) living together couple who have already made the biggest commitment any couple ever make together, by having children.

Getting married after that, is 'nice' but hardly the same life changing commitment as two single people getting married. Quite frankly even when getting married is the biggest thing someone is doing in their life so far, there is only so much interest anyone else can show. They have asked you about their plans. I'm really not sure what you are expecting them to do at this point

Ultimately, of course it is up to you both as a couple, what you do for your wedding, but not inviting family when there hasn't been a good reason seems an odd thing to do, and a really bad move if you are ever hoping to have a half decent relationship with them in future years.

ChicCroissant · 07/09/2020 11:49

Would you feel like this if the wedding was in your home country or you were eloping? Because this sounds a bit like a constant drip of gripes to get your fiance to agree to your plan tbh!

EveryDaysASchoolDayEh · 07/09/2020 11:52

Is there a backstory about them disapproving if your relationship or something like that? Maybe they're genuinely not happy about the marriage.

I would just send out a message saying due to Covid you've decided to have a simple small ceremony with just your children, and be done with it.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 11:53

A religious wedding would make most sense to me, but he's not converting so it can't be done that way either. In this whole wedding thing I've felt like in the one who's always compromising and whatever he's deciding on doing is so he doesn't offend his family.

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 07/09/2020 11:53

Is it a second marriage for both of you? I'm not getting what level of excitement your expecting especially if it is a second marriage.

Gazelda · 07/09/2020 11:54

@ChicCroissant

Would you feel like this if the wedding was in your home country or you were eloping? Because this sounds a bit like a constant drip of gripes to get your fiance to agree to your plan tbh!

I agree with this.

Flip

1 2 3 4