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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite family to our wedding?

90 replies

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 10:21

As much as I want to think lockdown has something to do with it, the more I think about it the more I'm against paying for people who couldn't care less about being there but are just doing it because "it's expected".

Even the children made a note of it "doesn't granny know about the wedding, why hasn't she said a thing". The teenage cousins haven't met the baby (he's 10 months old now) and by the looks of it they'd meet the baby at wedding (and we all live locally).

I know people have said that we have a baby, own a house, second wedding, etc so people are not as invested, but complete indifference seems a bit too much.

My DP and I talked about it a bit and more or less agree. I might be being petty but I don't feel comfortable with inviting people who don't really care but if they're not there they'll get offended.

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 07/09/2020 12:50

If you’re already a unit with children and other marriages under your collective belt then I don’t think other people will get especially excited by your wedding, which probably sounds to them as just a formalisation of your living arrangements.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:51

I think that's normal? The only one that might attend was asking for hotel recommendations and what would I like for a present. The second one that could come wanted to know if you could make any decorations (she's very crafty). We're all from a different culture so maybe that's it? But even if he feels deflated about it must be because something isn't right.

OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 07/09/2020 12:53

If you want your friends to come to your wedding then invite them.
Why are you marrying someone who is already telling you how your wedding day will be?
I would have thought with it being a second marriage you would know what you want and be a bit more assertive.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:54

My family seems just as disinterested (apart from a cousin) but at least we didn't plan it around them.

OP posts:
ClickandForget · 07/09/2020 12:54

I'd have found this really odd. You are expecting other people to adopt your quirks and behave like you

It seems a bit odd to me as well. A bit cringe tbh.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:56

I only have another close experience from people organising a wedding. Oddly enough it was a second wedding too. Whenever we got together everybody would ask about updated even though no invitations had been sent. It was a very lovely occasion and would have loved to have something similar.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/09/2020 13:02

Some families just don't care too much about others and you're expecting them to behave how you would/did. For that you're being a little U.

Just get married, have a day you love and don't try to make it a big deal for others; your wedding day is about the two of you saying the vows and making those promises, however you go about it.

ChicCroissant · 07/09/2020 13:06

Is there a reason that you haven't arranged a celebration in both countries OP?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/09/2020 13:07

@Fressia123

Well he made a big deal that people had to be involved, and thus I had to let go of the people I cared about. It hurts because said people have had no interest whatsoever. (It's the same for lost of my family anyways) but at least my friends are happy for me/us and I won't be able to share it with them
This seems to be at the heart of the problem. I don't think its too much to ask that close family take an interest and want to see your baby. It doesn't sound very equal and it sounds like its grating on you that the compromises are all on your side, so I think you need to be more expressive about how much it means to you to have your wedding where you can invite the people you want to, so its not a second time with no one on your side as it were. I think you also said that his view was it couldn't take place where you wanted as none of his side would bother to come. ? It sounds like you need to sit down and think about what you both want and what would work for both of you. Dont plan something to keep others who are not that invested happy. Its your day. You shouldbe as happy as possible about it. Its tricky due to the convention of always inviting family, but you are having to forego that. Have you expressed this strongly enough to your OH? Current choice seems to be A wedding with uninterested Low contact relatives, and not with friends who are interested? Perhaps you could have two small receptions? A meal with the relatives and something with your friends or a short break in your own country? You don't have to do the traditional thing. Current situation has changed everything. Also, it sounds like he needs to communicate better with his family. Is part of this because you feel they don't accept you? What kind of relationship do you both want with them? Perhaps the thing to do is have a pre wedding get together (socially distanced?) and give them a chance to express more interest. Only you have the best idea of what is workable tho, but i hope you have a lovely day, congrats on your new baby.
Cassilis · 07/09/2020 13:09

Have the wedding you want, Covid gives you a great excuse. I really wish my wedding was in Covid times, we spent £30k, a monumental waste of money just for some nice pictures and jewellery left at the end of it.

ivfbeenbusy · 07/09/2020 13:11

@AlrightTreacle

Nice bit of detective work there!

Notice that the OP hasnt responded

Clearly OP if you couldn't bring yourself to attend EITHER of your sister's weddings then I can understand why there is a lack of family interest in yours? Sometimes what goes around comes around?

heartsonacake · 07/09/2020 13:13

YABU. You seem to want to uninvite these people because they’re not making what you consider an appropriate amount of fuss over your wedding and/or your baby.

Newsflash: nobody cares about your baby or your wedding except you.

These family members will enjoy the actual wedding day and I’m sure like to see you get married but talking about it for months on end is just boring and of no interest to them.

honeygirlz · 07/09/2020 13:24

@AlrightTreacle

"I remember when my sister got married I had a nice chat with her now husband and welcomed him to the family."

Is that the sister whose wedding you didn't actually end up going to, because you were so upset that your mum made a big deal of it?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3977594-To-not-wait-move-around-our-the-date-of-our-wedding-to-accommodate-my-family?msgid=98595636#98595636

There's obviously a massive back story here, but I think you might be becoming a teensy bit of a bridezilla.

Isn't that irrelevant though as none of OP's family are going to be at the family because they're in another country? It's fiancé's family OP is concerned about.
Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 13:37

Thanks @DuckbilledSplatterPuff I think that's the main point of my "issue".

We're not having one on my end because his children would be able to attend and he finds it unfair (which is fair enough as we're a family).

The lack of interest from my side of the family is not here nor there as none of the arrangements have been around them.

OP posts:
Aridane · 07/09/2020 13:42

Yeah, sorry OP, but you live together, you have already had a baby, I'm sure you're excited to get married (again) but from the outside it probably just looks like a formality, at this point.

And it's next year? Invitations aren't out yet? YABU to expect people to be making a fuss about it - until the invitations go out it isn't really confirmed that it's happening.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2020 13:49

I remember when my sister got married I had a nice chat with her now husband and welcomed him to the family.

You've got a 10 month old baby. It'd be a bit weird to be 'welcomed' to the family when you're already in it.

oakleaffy · 07/09/2020 13:50

If the baby is a ''Second'' baby, interest in second or third babies just does fall off a cliff.
It is ''First'' babies that get people excited for some reason...After that, interest wanes.
Not sure why , but it does seem to be a thing that subsequent babies are not gushed over.
Teens are hardly expected to be remotely interested in any baby..
If it is a second marriage, just keep it small...

JorisBonson · 07/09/2020 13:52

Blame covid.

We're getting married with just the 2 of us in 3 weeks after trying to have a small wedding twice this year.

People aren't entirely thrilled but they'll have to get over it!

DoubleDolphin · 07/09/2020 13:52

To be honest, some people see a wedding after the couple already live together and have children as a bit after the horse has bolted. I know a couple who really felt annoyed being asked to stay in the chosen hotel of the brides choice and pay quite a bit as in their words "they are already together with kids so why bother.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 13:54

They don't have to "welcome me to the family" but a "we're so happy for you" would have been nice. Or even asking if my family is coming due to the restrictions. I think was has changed for me now is that even my DP feels things are a bit "off".

OP posts:
Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 13:57

BTW everybody loves the baby, the cousins are the ones who haven't met him but if I were their mum I would have made them.visit but they're not my kids.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 07/09/2020 13:59

Just do what you want to do with the people you want to be there, then if the family actually even bother asking, calmly tell them you're already married. Say nothing more and do not engage if they ask further questions.

Jayaywhynot · 07/09/2020 14:00

I'm with you, my DD is getting married, I'm paying and I'm very busy culling the guest list, anyone we have not set eyes on in 6 months is getting cut, if you're not interested in keeping in touch then you dont need to come to the wedding especially at £70 a plate, it's not a free for all on my hard earned money, it's going to be a intimate wedding of 60 close friends and family, luckily its 2022 so hopefully there will be no restrictions then, however if there is I'll be saving even more money Grin

oakleaffy · 07/09/2020 14:01

@Fressia123
why not just get married with just the two of you?
I was looking back at some old pics, and one family member had just 12 at their wedding...including them!

The reception was at their house.
It cost next to nothing, and they were very happy together.

The wedding pics just look like people are in their everyday clothes!

but the marriage itself was a good one.
That is what matters.
the 'wife' is now 81!
One of the couple had been married before, so it was kept very low key.
The DC was bridesmaid.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 14:06

@oakleaffy that's more or less the plan! (Pretty much identical) but my DP has had an issue with having it at home because they don't fit, it's not what's expected, etc... But the more we think about it the less we're sure we want to spend £££ on people who seem like they couldn't care less.

OP posts:
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