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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite family to our wedding?

90 replies

Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 10:21

As much as I want to think lockdown has something to do with it, the more I think about it the more I'm against paying for people who couldn't care less about being there but are just doing it because "it's expected".

Even the children made a note of it "doesn't granny know about the wedding, why hasn't she said a thing". The teenage cousins haven't met the baby (he's 10 months old now) and by the looks of it they'd meet the baby at wedding (and we all live locally).

I know people have said that we have a baby, own a house, second wedding, etc so people are not as invested, but complete indifference seems a bit too much.

My DP and I talked about it a bit and more or less agree. I might be being petty but I don't feel comfortable with inviting people who don't really care but if they're not there they'll get offended.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 11:56

Well he made a big deal that people had to be involved, and thus I had to let go of the people I cared about. It hurts because said people have had no interest whatsoever. (It's the same for lost of my family anyways) but at least my friends are happy for me/us and I won't be able to share it with them

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Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 11:57

It is a second marriage but my first wedding also had no guests on my side due to not being from the UK. I wanted this one to be very different in that way.

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nexus63 · 07/09/2020 11:58

my first husband and i got married without any family knowing about it, a girl from my work came to see us and she was a witness along with someone off the street, i then went to my mums work and told her, at the end of the day, the wedding is for you not anybody else, do what you want.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/09/2020 12:00

We eloped. I've never regretted it for a second.

Fairyliz · 07/09/2020 12:00

So you have told them the date but not actually sent out invitations?
Sorry but I think you are expecting too much. Not sure teenagers would have any interest in a wedding and probably not that keen to go. Mine would after said boring old people I.e. anyone over 25.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/09/2020 12:04

Forget them speak to DH about spending the money on an upgraded honeymoon and elope.
I usually hate the whole it's the brides day in your situation it is important you feel at least comfortable around your guests, you're not comfortable so I'd elope.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:20

I was expecting a "congratulations" bit none of that happened. The teenagers don't have to be excited about the wedding but I find odd the baby thing. We both agre the situation is odd and might be starting to have an impact with his mum. It's just that the wedding (or reception) is becoming more about them and not about what we'd like. I remember when my sister got married I had a nice chat with her now husband and welcomed him to the family. I do t expect to marry a third time, I just want to have something that it resounds with me rather than making other people not feel offended.

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BashfulClam · 07/09/2020 12:24

I just eloped. Much easier and if anyone felt put out well not much could be done as it had happened.

TinySleepThief · 07/09/2020 12:26

I rhibk you're beibg unreasonable in your expectations personally. Your wedding in next year and they have not even had invites yet so why would they talking about it? Although it's totally up to you if you want to tell them they are not welcome.

I remember when my sister got married I had a nice chat with her now husband and welcomed him to the family.

I have to say I find this quite an odd thing to do, surely he had been part of the family for years prior to them getting married, did it really require an actual conversation to welcome him?

Minimumstandard · 07/09/2020 12:28

If the "wedding" is more for your DH's family and friends than yours, why not take a huge step backwards and let him organise it? Enjoy only having to turn up in a nice dress and smile at everyone for the day, not having to do any of the shitty admin stuff.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:29

I told him he was becoming like a brother to me now, I thought it was a nice touch. There will be no invitations sent as it's just such a small thing but we've told them about it happening and all of that.

I might have been married before but have never had to organise a wedding. But I'm sure it's not so unreasonable as he feels just as deflated as I am.

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katy1213 · 07/09/2020 12:32

You're living together, you've got a baby, you've been married before - nobody is going to care but the two of you and maybe your children. Or get offended if you don't invite them!

dollypartonscoat · 07/09/2020 12:34

"I told him he was becoming like a brother to me now, I thought it was a nice touch"

I'd have found this really odd. You are expecting other people to adopt your quirks and behave like you.

What exactly do you want them to do with regards to the wedding you haven't sent invites out for? It sounds like you haven't even booked a venue or confirmed any details so there's not much to discuss.

As for the teenagers - meh, they aren't interested in babies.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:34

He won't organise anything and leaves everything til the last minute. The children are super involved so for them it's worth it. I think it would be lovely if it was just a day for us as a family and then go on a tiny honeymoon with the baby (and the dog).

It makes me feel down because he always tells me that he feels sorry he can't give me what I want but then the compromise isn't something I'd like either. I know the wedding is for both of us but it feels unbalanced.

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seayork2020 · 07/09/2020 12:35

Unless people are close i say congratulations when i get the invitation and turn up, i am sorry but again unless very close to the person I cant get excited about other people's weddings. Heck I rarely talked about my own expect to do the practical things (not that i did any of them)

Plus being a second wedding may not be exciting for others

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:37

We have the registry office date and time sorted. Like I've mentioned there are no invitations as it's only 10 people or so. No venue yet because in the end we can't make ourselves spend a substantial amount of money on people who haven't even bothered to say congratulations.

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littlecatfeet · 07/09/2020 12:38

Yeah, sorry OP, but you live together, you have already had a baby, I'm sure you're excited to get married (again) but from the outside it probably just looks like a formality, at this point.

And it's next year? Invitations aren't out yet? YABU to expect people to be making a fuss about it - until the invitations go out it isn't really confirmed that it's happening.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:39

I don't my friends are super excited and asking me for updates (without me bringing it up) regularly. Which hurts even a bit more because they can't come.

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AlrightTreacle · 07/09/2020 12:40

"I remember when my sister got married I had a nice chat with her now husband and welcomed him to the family."

Is that the sister whose wedding you didn't actually end up going to, because you were so upset that your mum made a big deal of it?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3977594-To-not-wait-move-around-our-the-date-of-our-wedding-to-accommodate-my-family?msgid=98595636#98595636

There's obviously a massive back story here, but I think you might be becoming a teensy bit of a bridezilla.

seayork2020 · 07/09/2020 12:40

Yes for your wedding there are no invitations but if people are not getting any then maybe they won't think they need to say it?

Isn't the most important thing about your wedding the two of you? I dont think you will ever get the reaction you are looking for

dollypartonscoat · 07/09/2020 12:42

Why would your friends be super excited about a registry office with no venue booked that they can't come to? That's strange.

The wedding aside are you sure you want to marry him? He won't make plans, doesn't organise things, insisted you had to give up on your mum and friends despite you wanting them there. The alternative was to elope but he wouldn't do that either......sounds like a recipe for misery tbh

Original poster
Fressia123 · 07/09/2020 12:46

Well they know how much it means to me to get married I guess and that I really wanted a nice wedding one day.

I think we have to rethink it all it seems (to me) still very unfair but at least he's now saying he's happy to elope (or making those noises anyways). He's just as disappointed (slightly different reasons)

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TinySleepThief · 07/09/2020 12:46

@Fressia123

I don't my friends are super excited and asking me for updates (without me bringing it up) regularly. Which hurts even a bit more because they can't come.
You're friends are excited and constantly asking for updates for a registry office wedding they are not attending? That's very strange.
BackforGood · 07/09/2020 12:49

I told him he was becoming like a brother to me now, I thought it was a nice touch.

Another who would find this odd.

Now you've said, on top of the fact you are already an established couple with dc, that this is also a second wedding, you are sounding more and more unreasonable as time goes on. Add in the fact it is a 10 person event at a registry office, I'm genuinely not sure what you want people to ask you about.
Plus you seem happy that most of your family aren't interested Confused

Pobblebonk · 07/09/2020 12:50

It is more difficult to get worked up with excitement second time around. I've been to all three of BIL's weddings, somehow those vows ring less and less true each time.