My mum wants to determine my childcare needs

[Stressed80]

So, looking for opinions here please......My DD is 8 months old, I am due to go back to work shortly on an applied for, flexible, reduced hours short term contract. I would be doing 3 shifts a week. DH works FT on static shifts. One of my shifts would entail me leaving the house at 2pm amd not getting home until 1 in the morning. I would obviously have DD for the day, go to work, have a few hours kip, then second day. Myself and DH would be 'back to back' for a couple of days.

That's the easy part.

My mum has always begged me to be part of my childcare plan. She was devastated my sister did not when she chose to put my nephew into FT day nursery which I heard about in length. We don't have the best relationship and she can be a little 'flaky' at the best of times.

After discussing options with DH we asked her if she wanted to cover 3 hours for us one afternoon a week when we have the toughest couple of days. We asked if she could mind DD from an hour before I left for work until half hour after DH got home. Gives us both time to get straight etc. She said yes, delighted.

We are about to start this in a few weeks, I checked we were still on and she said 'Yes, but I'm not coming an hour before, I'll come 15 mins before you leave'. I said 'Ok'. But then thought about it and sort of thought 'That's not what I've asked of you'.

I know she's thinking now that she shouldn't be helping me by giving me the extra time to get ready/straighten the house out or whatever before I go but isn't it up to me what I think helps me on my working days? I think I'd be better with using half day at nursery - DD would be there another day too. I know she will throw this back at me if I take away the opportunity for her to help 😣. A massive rift is going to occur........

Nip this in the bud now. Mum, this isnt going to work. I need you from x time till x time. I get it that you don't want to, so we've gone for the nursery plan instead.

But we'd love you to baby sit occasionally so we can go out sometimes.

And call the nursery!

You just need to tell her straight. My DD is a year and there is no way I’d be able to get out of the house in 15 minutes when my parents arrive, as usually it takes long than that to do handover, have a chat, get DD settled with them etc etc.

Just say to her, ‘Mum I need you to come round an hour before, not 15 minutes. If you can’t do that please say now and I will find alternative arrangements.’ If it causes a rift that’s too bad. I hardly think minding your DD for 3 hours once a week is too much to ask of her if she is truly desperate to help.

I agree with you, especially given that she’s asked to be part of what sounds like a complex childcare rota. Did she give any reasoning?

In the nicest way. Don't use family for childcare if you don't have to it leads to so much drama! The relationship dynamic if it's an unreliable one is all wrong. You know a professional will give you warning of changes. Has no expectations about what you are doing with your time or during your day. They ill be upfront about the extent to which their care will differ from yours.

Grandparents are probably best for fun days out when you're not relying on the time. Then everyone can relax especially if she is flakey.

I'd go the nursery route. Your mother sounds like the kind of person who will chop and change and you have to lump it as she's doing you a favour.

Your sister had exactly the right idea.

If your mum wants to see your DD she can visit around your work/family time.

“You don’t have the best relationship “:

Keep your arrangement separate or it will end up with you in tears.

Childcare has to work for you!
Tell nursery you need that extra slot quickly.

I would book in her in nursery and offer her to pick her up for a few hours and take her out on your "tired" day post night shift. That we if she cancels or it doesn't work out it doesn't matter.

I think your a bit cheeky asking her to be there an hour before you leave so you can get ready. Unless I have missed the but where your paying her then put your child in childcare and pay for the hours.

Your sister took the decision not to rely on your mum for childcare for a reason - probably because of things like this. I think its worth saying to your mum now that you are going to need childcare that can start an hour before you leave so you're going to have to use nursery. Thank her for offering to help, maybe even express regret you cant find a time that works for you both if you think it might help smooth over your relationship.
I have had both my mum and my mother in law do some childcare for us when my children were younger, it can work, but if it's not suitable then it's a bad idea for your relationships and your childcare

Yanbu. Would be different if you'd begged her, but if she wants to be part of this, then she needs to help.
An hour is a fair while but given the kind of shifts you're doing I do understand.

@Zzz1234
You missed the point alright.
@Stressed80 Mum begged to look after her little one as her sister wouldn't let her look after nephew.
Her sister obviously new what their mum was like!

@Zzz1234

I think your a bit cheeky asking her to be there an hour before you leave so you can get ready. Unless I have missed the but where your paying her then put your child in childcare and pay for the hours.

Presumably you did miss the bit where she said that was what she was planning to do. Also the bit where her mum begged to be part of the childcare plan.

@upsidedownwavylegs
Great minds...

OP, I think this offers you a good opportunity to get out of this agreement now. If she's already moved the goalposts, I'd get that child booked into nursery and maybe ask your mum to cover school holidays or give you some time alone at the weekends. She's being flaky already. That will get harder to deal with when all the nursery places have been booked up.

@Zzz1234 you need to get some more zzz's.

I would try "we need the care from X time. That's what time we would book her into nursery if you weren't doing it. Grateful for your support but it has to work for all of us."

Thanks for all the replies! I am going down the nursery route for definite I want to clarify, I wasn't asking my mum to come so I could soak in a bubble bath with a glass of vino 😂 She has BEGGED to be included. Myself and DH are very organised and capable, work hard, keep a clean house etc etc, I just know this day of the week would be particularly stressful and wanted to eliminate a little of that. Half a day at childcare would be much easier and as you have said, less strain on our already difficult relationship..........👍😘Xx

Glad you're going down the nursery route. At least this has happened now and not a few weeks into your job, what a nightmare that would have been. Best not to rely on someone who moves goalposts before she's even started.

Your very lucky your mum is willing to help. Most people don't have that luxury. I did and I am very fortunate to my mother. Some people on here who say "just to take the nursery route", may be saying that because they feel a tad bit jealous that your mum is willing to help.

Your baby is 8 months? It's better if he/she is with a familiar family member... than a nursery staff. Why don't you "trial" your mother and see how you get on. If it's not working, do the nursery route.

You won't be able to rely on her by the sounds of it, It sounds too stressful. I see you have already decided to go the nursery route which sounds like the best plan. If your mother complains tell her you gave her the option but the times you needed didn't suit her

I definitely think you're doing the right thing - given what you've said if you insist on her coming an hour early, as previously agreed, she'll either say she will but then just happen to be running late or she'll come but then be passive-aggressive and huffy throughout the hour. Neither of those are how you want to start your working day.

On a practical note, just make very sure that nursery have the space before you tell your mum! But if they do, then I do think this is the right choice and you'll really regret not booking in nursery when you had the chance if you stick with your mum doing it. It sounds like you also run the risk of her just not showing up on short notice - I suspect that's what your sister thought would happen and why she didn't want her to provide childcare.

buildingbridge - sometimes because nursery places are like hens teeth - you cant just ask for more hours at short notice and automatically get them.

I'm not going to start on the other generalisation in your post.

@buildingbridge

Your very lucky your mum is willing to help. Most people don't have that luxury. I did and I am very fortunate to my mother. Some people on here who say "just to take the nursery route", may be saying that because they feel a tad bit jealous that your mum is willing to help.

Your baby is 8 months? It's better if he/she is with a familiar family member... than a nursery staff. Why don't you "trial" your mother and see how you get on. If it's not working, do the nursery route.

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that my parents and my PIL both provide childcare (they alternate having DS on a Wednesday, so they both have one day per fortnight). I am really grateful and lucky to have this, but it only works because they are really reliable and thoughtful (having the built-in flexibility of it being a day a fortnight rather than once a week also helps a lot as it means they can easily swap if one set are away). There are still some downsides compared to nursery, which we use two days a week (DH and I both work a four-day week). I think OP is making the right choice clearly not because I'm jealous but because I know from experience that if her mum is starting off flaky and (it would seem) a bit resentful then this arrangement will collapse entirely and then OP will be in a massive mess. That's definitely nothing to be grateful for.

Some people on here who say "just to take the nursery route", may be saying that because they feel a tad bit jealous that your mum is willing to help.

I can wholeheartedly say that not one bit of the OP made me feel jealous not to have OPs mum No offence OP, but in your shoes I'd also choose to send to nursery.