Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to determine my childcare needs

100 replies

Stressed80 · 07/09/2020 09:37

So, looking for opinions here please......My DD is 8 months old, I am due to go back to work shortly on an applied for, flexible, reduced hours short term contract. I would be doing 3 shifts a week. DH works FT on static shifts. One of my shifts would entail me leaving the house at 2pm amd not getting home until 1 in the morning. I would obviously have DD for the day, go to work, have a few hours kip, then second day. Myself and DH would be 'back to back' for a couple of days.

That's the easy part.

My mum has always begged me to be part of my childcare plan. She was devastated my sister did not when she chose to put my nephew into FT day nursery which I heard about in length. We don't have the best relationship and she can be a little 'flaky' at the best of times.

After discussing options with DH we asked her if she wanted to cover 3 hours for us one afternoon a week when we have the toughest couple of days. We asked if she could mind DD from an hour before I left for work until half hour after DH got home. Gives us both time to get straight etc. She said yes, delighted.

We are about to start this in a few weeks, I checked we were still on and she said 'Yes, but I'm not coming an hour before, I'll come 15 mins before you leave'. I said 'Ok'. But then thought about it and sort of thought 'That's not what I've asked of you'.

I know she's thinking now that she shouldn't be helping me by giving me the extra time to get ready/straighten the house out or whatever before I go but isn't it up to me what I think helps me on my working days? I think I'd be better with using half day at nursery - DD would be there another day too. I know she will throw this back at me if I take away the opportunity for her to help 😣. A massive rift is going to occur........

OP posts:
Itsrainingnotmen · 07/09/2020 11:26

Your dm wants to be able to say you NEED her... She may, given your description of her - use this NEED as leverage to get her way over other things in your life..
I am nc with my dm partly due to uninvited advice and comments on my parenting. Luckily I never needed her for anything.

pinkbalconyrailing · 07/09/2020 11:28

nursery would be best in this case.

looks like involving your mother would be incredibly stressful for you.

nurseries can be absolutely lovely places with children who thrive there.

SarahAndQuack · 07/09/2020 11:30

You're trying to be so kind, OP, and what you say about your mum resonates so much with me. We had this issue with my MIL, that she was devastated she hadn't been involved with her other daughter's child, and it is heart wrenching to feel you're saying 'no' again to someone in that position.

It does obviously look as if it's not going to work, and it's really clear why it's not going to work. I get why people are saying you should just put the baby in nursery and tell your mum it's a done deal.

Thinking about how you might get the message across to your mum, though ... how about texting to say you've looked at your schedule and, since she can't manage the first 45 minutes, you're going to book DD into nursery that day? Then if she makes a fuss/starts asking why, you can just say 'but you'd said you couldn't manage that time, so I needed to find an alternative'.

That way, you're not getting into a massive 'OMG mum I can't trust you not to change agreements' kind of row. Just making it very clear that this is the childcare time you need, and you'd love her to be involved, but if she can't do it, you'll find something else.

In fact I'd keep on saying the line 'I'd love you to be involved, but if you can't'. Because she needs to hear that this is something she's decided not to do.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 07/09/2020 11:33

Family childcare is brilliant when it works, but you don't have the necessary building blocks in place.

ImaginaryCat · 07/09/2020 11:40

The moment you described her as flaky, I was thinking "don't do it"! My DM was flaky, regularly late, so I'd be screeching out the door before she'd even parked. A couple of times she didn't show, I rang to be told she was unwell!!!
And yes, I got the guilt trip when I switched those days to nursery. But the lack of stress, knowing that nursery weren't going to let me down, was worth it. My boss definitely appreciated the change!

StraffeHendrik · 07/09/2020 11:41

I'd probably tell her I'm not sure how long we will need for handover/chat/making sure I've got myself ready for work, but I think it will be closer to 1h than 15min, and I'd like to start with her coming an hour before for the first couple of weeks and then reduce it if that turns out to be more than needed.

areyoubeingserviced · 07/09/2020 11:51

You definitely made the right decision Op.
When dd1 was a baby MIL decided that she wanted to look after dd1 twice a week.
I wasn’t really keen on the idea and was already looking around for a nursery.
On the first day of the arrangement, I was to drop dd1 off at 7:30am. We had spoken to

MIL previously about the timing as both Dh and I had to be at work by 8:30am. Mil was aware of this. When I turned up at her house .MIL informed me that she wanted to start at 9:30am. I thanked mil , and told her that the time wasn’t convenient for me. I then went home and looked for a nursery for dd.

LouiseTrees · 07/09/2020 12:01

I would let her do it. Let her make one comment about the house then arrange a nursery. Then tell her to stuff it and say - the reason I told you to come early was so I could sort the house, you did this to yourself mum.

MatildaTheCat · 07/09/2020 12:05

This isn’t really answering your question but I would consider putting DD in nursery for the whole day to give yourself a bit of space before such a long shift.

Stay on good terms with your DM if you can, there will be days when you need an emergency favour unless you have a lot of very kind friends.

Hardbackwriter · 07/09/2020 12:08

I can completely see why you've made that suggestion @SarahAndQuack, but the problem is what if she then says 'fine, I'll come at 1 if its so important' and then either doesn't or comes but is horrible about it? Because I think that's the most likely outcome if she's given a direct 'either come an hour early or don't come at all' choice. And in the long run that - or any other flakiness that leaves OP with no childcare, which seems quite likely too - is going to do a lot more damage to the relationship than drawing a firm line now and going with nursery.

Original poster
Stressed80 · 07/09/2020 12:11

@MatildaTheCat I wouldn't dare, the wrath would be too much!!! But thank you for the suggestion. The afternoon slots are from 12pm and it is very close. I'd end up with almost 2 hours to do what I needed, even better!! WinkXx

OP posts:
oldmum22 · 07/09/2020 12:15

My two boys went to nursery as my childcare arrangement on shift and it worked well . My DMIL was too far away and my DM agreed to collect them on the days I was working. I think the interaction the boys got and the fact that I was given a day sheet of what the boys had been up to, really made me feel a lot less stressed at work. Keep in with DM as you may need a favour if DD gets poorly .

Leaannb · 07/09/2020 12:17

@buildingbridge

Your very lucky your mum is willing to help. Most people don't have that luxury. I did and I am very fortunate to my mother. Some people on here who say "just to take the nursery route", may be saying that because they feel a tad bit jealous that your mum is willing to help.

Your baby is 8 months? It's better if he/she is with a familiar family member... than a nursery staff. Why don't you "trial" your mother and see how you get on. If it's not working, do the nursery route.

Because its already not working for OP because Mom won't babysit when she needs for her to babysit
HaggyMaggie · 07/09/2020 12:20

I have to be honest, if i was helping out regularly I would want DGD at my house. you could drop off an hour before gladly, but child minding at someone else's house wouldn't work for me. It is too tying.

RedToothBrush · 07/09/2020 12:32

Its not your job to give your mother a purpose in life.

You need a childcare arrangement that works for you and doesn't work on your terms.

The demands of your mother to look after your child are not about helping you, they are about her needs. Except she will frame it as her helping you. Make sure you realise the difference before making a decision.

SarahAndQuack · 07/09/2020 12:35

@hardbackwriter - but then the OP is no worse off? The mum is going to kick off anyway. This way, at least the OP gets to make the point that it is her mum's choice that's keeping her away, not anything else.

Hardbackwriter · 07/09/2020 12:41

But she'll be a lot worse off because her mum will be kicking off, or letting her down, just as she's about to go to work and she'll have to look for new childcare while doing her new job rather than several weeks in advance.

Original poster
Stressed80 · 07/09/2020 12:43

@HaggyMaggie, she wanted to come here, said it would be easier.....Hmm

OP posts:
AnxMummy10 · 07/09/2020 12:45

I think you need to take the lead from your sister. She knows what your mother is like and did the right thing. The fact your mother was devastated over that , shows what an unhealthy situation that would have turned out.
This is bound to end up in a bad situation.
Her feelings are not your obligation to satisfy. Your priority is your child.

RandyGiles06 · 07/09/2020 12:46

I think you have made the right decision. You could always get her listed as a contact at nursery then she could pick her up if she wanted to see her, but you’d have the childcare there just in case.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 07/09/2020 12:50

My mum did this and it caused a lot of bad feeling. She desperately wanted him one day a week but because I wfh she would turn up late / drop him off early or just say she wasnt up to it at the last minute.
Once he got his 20 free hours of childcare it was actually cheaper to have 5days at nursery instead of 4 so we went down that route
It was a massive weight off my shoulders

burntpinky · 07/09/2020 12:51

We had this with my MIL. She had looked after SIL’s kids full time for 5 years each and was doing 3 days for us then after lockdown said she had re-evaluated her life and was no longer willing to do it, leaving us in the shit for months until we could find a nursery place.

I’ll never forgive her for that. Irked about the fact we get treated differently from SIL (and not only on this issue!) but more so the zero notice and unwillingness to help whilst we both have difficult jobs in finance and I’m pregnant.

We’ve enrolled the newborn (not yet here) in nursery from next sept when I go back to work and she’s like “you can’t put him in nursery at that age” but she’s too flaky to rely on so he is going to nursery.
It’s best not to rely on family at all if you can help it

DoIneed1 · 07/09/2020 12:54

Op please be wary of facilitating a close relationship with your mother and your child if you don't have a great relationship with her yourself.

IndecentFeminist · 07/09/2020 12:55

Why don't you pick an easier day then? Pick a day where you don't need her around extra hours and use nursery for the stressful times.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 07/09/2020 12:57

I also wanted to add that it made me feel guilty and I obviously didn't ask her to do any other childcare .
I'm a single parent so it was tough, it was much better when he went to nursery and then she would offer to have him overnight occasionally so I got a nice break