My mum wants to determine my childcare needs

[Stressed80]

So, looking for opinions here please......My DD is 8 months old, I am due to go back to work shortly on an applied for, flexible, reduced hours short term contract. I would be doing 3 shifts a week. DH works FT on static shifts. One of my shifts would entail me leaving the house at 2pm amd not getting home until 1 in the morning. I would obviously have DD for the day, go to work, have a few hours kip, then second day. Myself and DH would be 'back to back' for a couple of days.

That's the easy part.

My mum has always begged me to be part of my childcare plan. She was devastated my sister did not when she chose to put my nephew into FT day nursery which I heard about in length. We don't have the best relationship and she can be a little 'flaky' at the best of times.

After discussing options with DH we asked her if she wanted to cover 3 hours for us one afternoon a week when we have the toughest couple of days. We asked if she could mind DD from an hour before I left for work until half hour after DH got home. Gives us both time to get straight etc. She said yes, delighted.

We are about to start this in a few weeks, I checked we were still on and she said 'Yes, but I'm not coming an hour before, I'll come 15 mins before you leave'. I said 'Ok'. But then thought about it and sort of thought 'That's not what I've asked of you'.

I know she's thinking now that she shouldn't be helping me by giving me the extra time to get ready/straighten the house out or whatever before I go but isn't it up to me what I think helps me on my working days? I think I'd be better with using half day at nursery - DD would be there another day too. I know she will throw this back at me if I take away the opportunity for her to help 😣. A massive rift is going to occur........

IndecentFeminist
If the OP needs childcare then she can't rely on her mum.
If there's other days that the OP doesn't need childcare she's going to end up tied to her mum if she has a regular arrangement that on on Wednesday her mum has DC because you can guarantee that the OP's mum will be able to drop the arrangement to suit, but will guilt trip the OP and be awkward if the OP changes anything.

It's much easier to have simple grandparen visits and keep her mum out of anything childcare related. Any reasonable grandparent would understand and if her mum won't understand then it's a sign she's just after a spot of control.

Personally I wouldn't expect my mother to come an hour earlier?? She might have offered and been enthusiastic about it but at the end of the day she is still doing you a favour and it isn't up to you to dictate terms?

Personally I wouldn't expect my mother to come an hour earlier?

I agree. If anything, I would drop the child at the mums house an hour earlier. I wouldn't expect my mum to come all the way to my house and look after my DC's there. I think it will be inconvenient to her.

Oh god don't let her babysit at yours. You'll come back to every toy dumped on the floor and the kitchen a total mess. Then you'll spend hours of your precious free time sorting it out and resenting her like mad.

You are right to be going the nursery route. Maybe make it up to your mum by asking her to be a regular babysitter instead, so you and hubby can have some time to chill.

My parents were similar, wanted to be involved but only on their terms which meant constant rearrangement and we were ungrateful if we didn't immediately change our plans and work patterns accordingly.

In the end we stopped relying on them for when we needed the childcare, and instead just had lots of nice visits and as the kids got older a few occasions when they kids just asked to go to granny's for the day (which delighted my mum way more than organised childcare would have).

(And @buildingbridge I am definitely not jealous )

OP good pick to have a nursery you need reliability and your sister made the same choice.
It may feel like there will be pushback from your DM, but I think if you were in a regular childcare arrangement with her you would get that anyway. I could see lots of problems with someone saying they will only turn up 15 mins before hand, traffic etc.. and worrying about being able to get away on time to work, especially on a stressful day.
You are the Mum and its up to you to "dictate terms" if she's not agreeable that's fine too but you need reliability above all, good luck

@IndecentFeminist

Why don't you pick an easier day then? Pick a day where you don't need her around extra hours and use nursery for the stressful times.

So she should use her when she doesn't have to work? That makes so sense

I wouldn't have asked somebody who is "flaky at the best times" in the first place.
Maybe your sister wanted somebody reliable, sounds like she made the best decision.
Good luck

If you don’t like it, you should find someone else. This will probably be a recurring theme through the arrangement

She will let you down time and again.
She's already let you down and it's not even started!
Follow good advice from PP as to how to tell her, but def get reliable external childcare.

Do you really need her an hour before? Seems a bit excessive to me.

It will be so much more potential trouble if she wants to do it in her terms, not your needs. I would rather use nursery or someone else.

Personally I wouldn't expect my mother to come an hour earlier?? She might have offered and been enthusiastic about it but at the end of the day she is still doing you a favour and it isn't up to you to dictate terms?

Its not about 'dictating terms' the mum wanted to do the childcare, OP told her what she needed, DM then decided thats not what she needs at all, 15 mins will do.

Hope things go ok when you tell her OP.

Put your DD in FT care and get ur mum to do the 3 hours on weekends when you wanna go out on date night with DH . Until you have a routine going whixh you can trust.

If she is flaky don’t rely on her

The first thing that popped into my head about your mum was "What's the big deal about 45 more minutes?". Unless you were planning to put a mop in her hand or tell her to scrub the floor during that 1st hour I don't get what she feels is the big deal about coming early. I'd tell you to have a cup of tea waiting for me and I'll be there.

Sounds a bit controlling of your mum to me. And sounds as if your sister was right.

" I know she will throw this back at me if I take away the opportunity for her to help 😣. A massive rift is going to occur........"

You're not taking anything away. You said what you needed, she can't (won't?) meet that need so of course you're going to find it elsewhere. She had her chance and CHOSE to be manipulative about it and so threw her chance away. You did not take, she discarded. You need to stop seeing your actions as being the cause of the problem, when the cause is her actions. I suspect she has trained you to always take her blame .

And frankly, if a massive rift occurs I see that as a positive. Not having to deal with her passive-aggressive shit will be a relief. And remember - if she's in a huff, she has no access to your child. She'll have to choose between trying to manipulate you, or seeing her grandchild on YOUR terms.The onus is on her behaving, not you. You have no need whatsoever to put up with her games.

I'd always opt for nursery over family care if its affordable. Then you cant be let down last minute. I had a relative helping me with my youngest for a while - she offered, and insisted she wanted to help, just one day a week to save on nursery costs but out of the first 10 weeks she bailed on me 4 times to pick up extra shifts at work, and once to go to a theme park as someone had a spare free ticket.

I used up 3 days of annual leave and 1 of emergency leave (that was the day I only got told she wasn't coming 20 mins before I was due to head to London from the Midlands) and after that final one, I put my daughter in nursery on the extra day and tightened our belts to pay for it.

I'd use childcare providers for childcare and just ask family to be family - easier all round in the long run, and peace of mind for you

My mum was heavily involved in providing childcare for our children after raising be to think that putting young children in childcare is basically child abuse

Trust me, don't do it.

Are some posters forgetting that the OP didn't ask her mum to provide childcare?

Her mum has begged to be involved in the arrangements and is already telling OP that OP doesn't need the childcare hours she feels she needs.
Her mum is flakey at the best of times, already plays the guilt trip regarding not doing childcare for OP's sister, and the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her mum.

It's not the OP driving the childcare request.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about the hour before the OP leaves. That's what the OP needs and she's happy to use paid childcare.

OP, it definitely sounds as though you have made the right choice for you and your DC.
I know only too well how an having an unreliable family member care for DC can become a real problem, having been on the receiving end when my dcs were younger. However, not all family care is problematic. Dgs is cared for by a mixture of ds, dil (both shift workers) dh and dils parents. I help when I can, but as I am still working at the moment, so I am the 'spare'. Family has proved the best, most flexible option for ds and dil as their rest days change from week to week , something which most paid for care cannot accommodate. On the rare occasion when a go has been unable to look after dgs, the other will step in. There has only been one day when neither of them could do it, due to unavoidable reasons, but luckily I had some time owing and was able to take that. I think that for some people, they see it as doing a favour on a casual basis. We don't. For us it is a commitment and we arrange other things around our days with dgs, rather than expecting them to fit in with us.

We don't have the best relationship and she can be a little 'flaky' at the best of times

That is the only line which matters. Don't rely on any person in this category for something as critical as childcare for work.

What you might want to offer her is some time when you are not at work so that she can have time with DGC and you can get other home related stuff done (or have that bubble bath...), or some babysitting for you and DH to go out. Both of which would be valuable but without creating a stressful dependency.

Thanks everyone. I think the resounding answer is stick with the day nursery!!! 😊

I can see why your sister chose full time nursery. In your position I would too, otherwise she will continue to dictate terms.

Hi all, so in the last few weeks we have started DD in daycare nursery for the afternoon my mum was going to help with. I tied myself up in knots with how to tell her. I copped out and went down the ' they have a mininum requirement of hours' route, therefore not having to address the awkward conversation.......... she said, quote 'no worries, probably for the best anyway' Overall, all that for nothing, I don't understand some people!!! Xx

Well done OP. 💐