My mum wants to determine my childcare needs

[Stressed80]

So, looking for opinions here please......My DD is 8 months old, I am due to go back to work shortly on an applied for, flexible, reduced hours short term contract. I would be doing 3 shifts a week. DH works FT on static shifts. One of my shifts would entail me leaving the house at 2pm amd not getting home until 1 in the morning. I would obviously have DD for the day, go to work, have a few hours kip, then second day. Myself and DH would be 'back to back' for a couple of days.

That's the easy part.

My mum has always begged me to be part of my childcare plan. She was devastated my sister did not when she chose to put my nephew into FT day nursery which I heard about in length. We don't have the best relationship and she can be a little 'flaky' at the best of times.

After discussing options with DH we asked her if she wanted to cover 3 hours for us one afternoon a week when we have the toughest couple of days. We asked if she could mind DD from an hour before I left for work until half hour after DH got home. Gives us both time to get straight etc. She said yes, delighted.

We are about to start this in a few weeks, I checked we were still on and she said 'Yes, but I'm not coming an hour before, I'll come 15 mins before you leave'. I said 'Ok'. But then thought about it and sort of thought 'That's not what I've asked of you'.

I know she's thinking now that she shouldn't be helping me by giving me the extra time to get ready/straighten the house out or whatever before I go but isn't it up to me what I think helps me on my working days? I think I'd be better with using half day at nursery - DD would be there another day too. I know she will throw this back at me if I take away the opportunity for her to help 😣. A massive rift is going to occur........

@buildingbridge

Your very lucky your mum is willing to help. Most people don't have that luxury. I did and I am very fortunate to my mother. Some people on here who say "just to take the nursery route", may be saying that because they feel a tad bit jealous that your mum is willing to help.

Your baby is 8 months? It's better if he/she is with a familiar family member... than a nursery staff. Why don't you "trial" your mother and see how you get on. If it's not working, do the nursery route.

Not me, I was very fortunate to have a mother how helped out with my children when they were young, it was great but she was very reliable

@buildingbridge because it will be too late to get a nursery slot when her flaky mum decides to turn up late on the second session, or wants to go shopping instead of looking after her that week, or doesn't agree with the feeding/napping schedule, or simply finds it all too much of a faff.

Jealousy isn't anything to do with it, learned experience is.

Sounds like she'll end up being late with a 15 minute margin. Book nursery as belt and braces if nothing else.

"My mum has always begged me to be part of my childcare plan. She was devastated my sister did not when she chose to put my nephew into FT day nursery which I heard about in length. We don't have the best relationship and she can be a little 'flaky' at the best of times".

I would think you're minimising her here by calling her flaky.
Your mother is not a suitable, reliable nor emotionally safe person for childcare and you will ultimately need to do what your sister did. Your own relationship with her is not great so why on earth would you want her looking after your most precious resource at all?. Its likely and only because you've been pressured by her to do so. She does not want to "help"; she wants power and control over you and to influence your child unduly.

I think you thank your mother, say it’s a shame the times don’t work for both of you, and put your child into nursery that day.

Also to soften the blow you could say to your mother than on reflection it would be most helpful if she could be your nursery back up plan for when baby inevitably picks up a cold or bug. That way if you ask her for help on short notice and she does flake on you,you’re no worse off really and one of you can take the shift off work instead.

Why don't you "trial" your mother and see how you get on. If it's not working, do the nursery route.

In my area nursery slots can be like gold dust, and you have to get in quickly. If OP is facing that in her location, then she can't afford to risk her new job by trialling things with her mum. If mum proves flaky and causes problems later on, there's no guarantee OP will be able to get a nursery slot.

Agree with others and the reply they have suggested! Hope she takes it ok!

An extra half day will also help baby settle better at nursery. My girl only did 1 day a week and I always felt she had forgotten the place/ppl by the next week.

Good move to use the nursery instead.

'Look mum, I gave you the opportunity to have DD, I told you what I needed, but you didn't want to do that, so I've booked DD into nursery.' Then when she kicks off, just say '& THIS is why Dsis put DN into nursery.'

Then ignore the tantrum & enjoy the peace of any rift!

Hope going back to work works out well for you.

@buildingbridge
Just because your mum worked out well doesn't mean it's for everyone.
Also just because someone has a different opinion doesn't mean they are jealous how childish.
My mum looked after my twins until they were two which worked for us.

I agree with the majority. Put dd into nursery. When your mum kicks off say “I offered you the chance to have her but you couldn’t do the timings I need”.

In some ways she sounds a lot like my Mum - wants to “help” but on her own terms.

Some people on here who say "just to take the nursery route", may be saying that because they feel a tad bit jealous that your mum is willing to help
I do love the old 'you must be jealous' line that gets trotted out on here.

No jealousy here. We have some childcare support from my MIL and FIL and it works brilliantly because they are reasonable, reliable and we have a good relationship.

OP's mum sounds like she's a liability. Everyone I know who has support from parents factors in 30 mins before they need to leave in case anyone gets held up. If the OP's mum is flakey and wants to cut everything tight on time then I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up being late, double booking herself and otherwise adding to stress.

OP's sister probably made the nursery decision for a good reason.

You already know your mum is flaky (to say the least). Don't rely on a person like that for childcare.

There's a good reason why your sister didn't!

Some people are great at caring for their grandchildren - reliable, supportive, loving, thoughtful (like my own lovely MIL). Your DM has already shown that she's not one of those people. Time to make better arrangements.

Temp123999

Did you not read where I said "some people" not all.

Unfortunately, the way human kind is and what I have seen on some boards, is that some posters give OP advice with not the best intentions.

OP's baby is 8 months. That is very very young. If you have to work and you have no family member to help, then Nursery no doubt. But if you have a trust worthy family member, who is willing to help with a very young child. Then I would always trial it or split the days at nursery and the family member. Do not want to derail the thread. Good luck with your decision OP.

@buildingbridge but OP has already said her mum is flaky so why would she rely on her and then maybe be unable to get a nursery place?
Good choice op. Tell her she can be back up in emergencies.

OP doesn't have a trustworthy family member, that's the whole point. And in practice 'trialling' someone and declaring it isn't working is much more likely to lead to bad feeling on both sides than just saying from the off that maybe this isn't a good idea.

Yeah this isnt going to work

Nursery. Now you know whay your sister did.

Short term ructions, but longer term, so much better.

She doesn't want to help you. In fact she actively RESENTS helping you... but she wants access to your child.

Oh dear me no.

Nip right in the bud. In fact I wouldn't even bother to tell her no, I need you here for x time... it would be 'No problem. I will need to have DD care in place for x time so I've booked nursery. Definitely better that you see her on an ad-hoc basis if you want to set your own times.'

I think now you know why your sister went the way she did

Again, thanks for the generous advice. I think, as a first time mum and with limited social interaction through it - (Covid, we are all in the same situation I know) - I have allowed some nagging guilt in if I didn't give my DM the chance.

Having said that, I have firmly set my sights on the half day at nursery instead. Someone commented on my DMs personality, and yes, she can be passive aggressive, manipulative and struggle when she's not in charge. I want her relationship with DD to be better than the one I share with her if that makes any sense? But.........I AM in charge of my life and DDs needs and well being. Both of which come before me trying to resolve untold amount of unspoken issues between the two of us by letting her say what it is myself and DH need. Xxx

Personally, I would have gone back to her first to say, "Mum, I asked you to come an hour before so that I can sort myself and dd out, have a chat and not rush off to work in a complete state. If that's not convenient for you, that's fine, but then I'll put her in nursery as I really don't want to be stressed out." Then, depending on how she responded, absolutely go ahead and do what works.

But having said that, you are 100% not to get into this habit of her deciding what you need. There is NOTHING more annoying than a family member babysitting who turns up late or decides what you need because believe me, I know from experience, you land up on edge constantly.

Don't do this. Use some sort of paid professional child care/nursery.

You haven't even started yet and already it's causing tension. These issues will continue.

The good thing about not using her for childcare is the power balance.

She will never be doing you a favour when she has DD you will be allowing her the privilege of a relationship with her...

That's a good decision OP.

You're not responsible for your mum developing a healthy relationship with your child. Only your mum can build a healthy relationship and that has to be done without guilt tripping you.

You've made the right decision. She'll mess you about. More stress than it's worth. If she wants to be involved, let her have your DC for a couple of hours on the weekend so you get time with your DH but not a train smash if she flakes.