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Original poster

To want to choose own engagement ring?

104 replies

Flygirl94 · 07/09/2020 09:01

My boyfriends friend is looking to propose to his girlfriend and has been asking us questions about ring size and buying a ring. My boyfriends told him to just go and buy a ring him likes as if the girl loves him then she’ll love his ring. I think he should propose with a v cheap token ring and they should go and shop for the ring together.
On one hand her boyfriend could choose a ring to her exact taste or she’ll love how romantic is it but on the other this is going to be the most important piece of jewellery she owns which she’ll hopefully wear forever and should love it, he could get it completely wrong and she can’t say.
Thoughts or experiences please to settle a debate. I’m more than happy to be told I’m unromantic and wrong

OP posts:
steppemum · 07/09/2020 11:19

Also, there are fashions in rings...in 20 years time you could hate what you chose earlier

well there are, but my ring is timeless and I still love it 21 years later, and it has never looked 'old fashioned'

whitershadeofpale · 07/09/2020 11:39

@heartsonacake

I think having a token ring and/or going out and choosing one together is just silly and defeats the purpose of the proposal.

This is something the man should do based on everything he knows about you. If he doesn’t have a clue about your taste or what would be special for you both then you probably shouldn’t be getting married as you don’t know enough about each other.

DF knows me well enough to know that I have my own mind and like to make my own decisions. For the same reasons I wouldn’t have been happy if he’d asked my parents’ permission to marry me either.

He would have chosen a ring I would have loved because he knows my taste, but I much prefer that he didn’t and we have great memories of choosing together.

VinylDetective · 07/09/2020 11:45

@heartsonacake

I think having a token ring and/or going out and choosing one together is just silly and defeats the purpose of the proposal.

This is something the man should do based on everything he knows about you. If he doesn’t have a clue about your taste or what would be special for you both then you probably shouldn’t be getting married as you don’t know enough about each other.

And yet 22 years on here we are - those two people who shouldn’t have got married. Ffs.
BackforGood · 07/09/2020 11:53

Totally disagree with heartsonacake
My dh's lack of confidence in choosing something I was going to wear for the rest of my life is not really a great reason not to marry him - what an odd argument

Kolsch · 07/09/2020 11:54

@Heartsonacake sorry but I will have to disagree with you there.
My husband proposed on our first date and we've been married for 36 years now 🙂

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/09/2020 11:59

@heartsonacake

I think having a token ring and/or going out and choosing one together is just silly and defeats the purpose of the proposal.

This is something the man should do based on everything he knows about you. If he doesn’t have a clue about your taste or what would be special for you both then you probably shouldn’t be getting married as you don’t know enough about each other.

I guess you’d be OK with your husband choosing your wedding dress for you then? And every outfit every day thereafter? Seeing as he knows you so well.

Isn’t it weird that, traditionally, the wedding dress is carefully chosen by the bride and her female family and friends and kept a closely-guarded secret from the husband, all for the sake of one day, and yet certain people think it devalues the marriage if that bride chooses the ring that she will wear every day for the rest of her life?

Whoopsies · 07/09/2020 12:07

My dh chose my engagement ring and proposed with it. I wouldn't have minded either way though. However we were saving for a house and expecting our first dc so we were piss poor and always said we would choose an expensive eternity ring to replace it one day!! That one we will choose together!

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 07/09/2020 12:11

My DH proposed without a ring then I picked one I liked. It’s on my finger so we figured I should pick one I liked. If I got bored of it ever, I’d probably pick another

EmilySpinach · 07/09/2020 12:14

@heartsonacake

I think having a token ring and/or going out and choosing one together is just silly and defeats the purpose of the proposal.

This is something the man should do based on everything he knows about you. If he doesn’t have a clue about your taste or what would be special for you both then you probably shouldn’t be getting married as you don’t know enough about each other.

As explained by several posters, what is special for some women is the shared experience of choosing a ring. Lots of us didn't want a basic off-the-shelf piece.

More harmfully, however, internalising this kind of thinking is how some women end up wearing a ring that they don't really like, because they think that to admit their true feelings about the ring would cast doubt on the whole relationship.

Lindy2 · 07/09/2020 12:22

I very much know what I like and what I don't like. I'm very tricky to buy for. DH knows this. He proposed and we then went ring shopping together and had a lovely romantic lunch together on the way home. It's a day I remember fondly.

If you and your partner are going to get married I think he should know you well enough to know if you would like to choose the ring or not, and to also be able to talk to you about your preference. If your wishes aren't taken into account at this stage then I'd be very wary.

ellentree · 07/09/2020 12:22

He asked me what sort of ring I liked - we ended up going to look at some together and fell in love with an antique one which was literally thousands of pounds cheaper than a new equivalent so he bought it and proposed a few days later. I'm glad we chose it together, it was so fun!

timetest · 07/09/2020 12:33

I wouldn’t have let my DH buy me a pair of socks let alone choose a ring I would be wearing for the rest of my life.

Mincepieready · 07/09/2020 12:50

I always wanted to pick my own and told him this. I'd tried some on previously and knew what I wanted.

I didn't expect the proposal for a few years. My now husband asked me one day in a window which ones I liked. I told him all the ones I didn't. He figured it out. I thought he was figuring out what he's save and we'd go a year or two down the line.

He then went to jewelers ordered a selection of stones and chose the setting based on things I'd mentioned about how I would want it to sit with my wedding band.

When he proposed very romantically a few months later I was shocked by the ring box and afraid I wouldn't like and would have to tell him. I love it and love that he chose it. However he had guidance and I don't think would have picked it blind so to speak. I now love that when we announced it I had my ring that fitted. Best of both worlds.

I'm currently hunting my enterity ring and want something different to the usual ones. This time we are choosing together and we are enjoying the process and looking forward to a day of shopping and lunch.

There's no right answer! Except if you hate it then tell them. They are too expensive to leave in a drawer because they are ugly /not your style. You want something you love regardless of cost and who chose it!

sapnupuas · 07/09/2020 12:57

I chose my own ring!

My friends partner propose with a ring. The exact ring one of her other close friends had...

Love51 · 07/09/2020 13:07

I find the idea of a cheap ring then a proper ring a bit naff. Although I'm not in a position to judge, we had the real proposal/engagement (sat and had a chat like grown ups) then went ring shopping then he proposed with the ring we had bought. We were incredibly young and felt like we needed the ring to make the engagement serious / believable. Especially as we had also agreed not to marry until I had finished my degree (I was ok with a LDR but not with being long distance married!)

Love51 · 07/09/2020 13:11

I've just realised that my ring was probably a similar price to some of the cheap rings! It is actually a gold eternity ring. Most of my generation have platinum but I always thought gold wouldn't date.

Glendaruel · 07/09/2020 13:14

My fiance, proposed then we looked for the ring together. Fortunately he had listened to previous hints and it wasn't a high pressure thing for him to get right. It's great if he gets it right, but our ring is something I wear all the time. If he had got it wrong (which lets face it, I'm fussy with my taste) it would be a constant niggle. As it happened we found the ring near where my parents live, having spent a lovely hour trying on vintage rings in the shop, what girl wouldn't love that! And he was impressed as when we got it down to two rings, I preferred the one that was half the price!! I have lovely memories of the proposal and lovely ones of us making the choice together, it kinda extended the moment of it.

thecatsthecats · 07/09/2020 13:21

My husband spent a hundred pounds on the 'temporary' ring - which I really don't like - because it had some microscopic diamonds on it.

I did point out afterwards that he'd dismissed my suggestion of a raw diamond ring which would have cost him about £30 in the first place.

Mind you, I love the one we chose together.

Bwlch · 07/09/2020 13:37

If I'd had the choice, I would have chosen the ring together. As it was, the proposal was a complete surprise and the ring was a done deal. I love it.

Dominicgoings · 07/09/2020 13:42

We didn’t have a ‘proposal’ as such but had decided we would get married. We looked in a jewellers window one day and the ring chose me 😂😂

I wouldn’t want anyone else to chose such a significant piece of jewellery but I actually find the whole idea of ‘surprise’ proposals odd in our modern times because they’re generally so staged and made for Insta 😉

BashfulClam · 07/09/2020 13:50

She asked me to show him what I liked and handed my the laptop open on engagement rings. I asked ‘are you proposing?’ He said ‘not yet but I want to get it right!’ He got it so right!

Chocoqueen · 07/09/2020 13:50

DH brought me a (very pretty) token ring, but didn't tell me for a few weeks that that's what it was, by then I'd got used to it as my engagement ring and we struggled to find time to go shopping so never went to buy a new one.

When it came to choosing my wedding ring he suggested buying a set so they match but I decided that I'd been wearing the token ring for so long as my engagement ring it wouldn't feel right. He spent more on my wedding ring instead (which I love) and I wear my engagement ring on the other hand as they don't work together!

BashfulClam · 07/09/2020 13:50

*DH asked me to show him what I liked.

Ariela · 07/09/2020 14:18

@Love51

I find the idea of a cheap ring then a proper ring a bit naff. Although I'm not in a position to judge, we had the real proposal/engagement (sat and had a chat like grown ups) then went ring shopping then he proposed with the ring we had bought. We were incredibly young and felt like we needed the ring to make the engagement serious / believable. Especially as we had also agreed not to marry until I had finished my degree (I was ok with a LDR but not with being long distance married!)
What's wrong with a Haribo ring?
Seeingadistance · 07/09/2020 14:28

@ExclamationPerfume

Proposing without a ring is weird. DH chose mine and I love it.
What would he have done if you’d said ‘No’ ?

A proposal of marriage is a yes/no question.

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