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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to choose own engagement ring?

104 replies

Flygirl94 · 07/09/2020 09:01

My boyfriends friend is looking to propose to his girlfriend and has been asking us questions about ring size and buying a ring. My boyfriends told him to just go and buy a ring him likes as if the girl loves him then she’ll love his ring. I think he should propose with a v cheap token ring and they should go and shop for the ring together.
On one hand her boyfriend could choose a ring to her exact taste or she’ll love how romantic is it but on the other this is going to be the most important piece of jewellery she owns which she’ll hopefully wear forever and should love it, he could get it completely wrong and she can’t say.
Thoughts or experiences please to settle a debate. I’m more than happy to be told I’m unromantic and wrong

OP posts:

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 07/09/2020 09:35

DH and I decided together we'd like to get married then went to choose my ring together too.
Imagine being stuck with a ring you may not like, having to wear it everyday but not able to say anything as you might hurt your partners feelings.

Lockdowners · 07/09/2020 09:36

DH knew that I would be very indecisive at choosing my own ring so he picked one he thought I would like and made it clear that he was happy for me to exchange it and had checked that this was allowed with the shop. He knew I had been left a large diamond ring by my grandmother and he purposely chose one with tiny diamonds so that I could get my diamond made into my wedding ring. We also had a small baby at the time and he had read that larger diamonds can scratch babies. I loved the ring and the thought that went into it so it all worked out well. I did also like that there was a ring box to open during the proposal as I love a suprise (but not everyone does and you would hope that the person who wants to marry you would know either way.

user1493413286 · 07/09/2020 09:36

I think it all depends on the individuals; it was important to my DH to chose a ring and we’d looked in jewellery shop windows enough for DH to know what style I liked. For other people they have very specific taste and want to pick it which is also fine.
I don’t agree with your boyfriends view though that she’ll love the ring if she loves the man; he needs to make sure he finds out what she likes and doesn’t like and get something that he knows she’ll like

MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2020 09:39

I agree with propose without a ring and going shopping later.

She's going to be wearing that ring, so it needs to be something she likes.

My boyfriends told him to just go and buy a ring him likes as if the girl loves him then she’ll love his ring.

Your BF needs to wise up. Loving someone doesn't mean we automatically like something just because they do. And especially the engagement ring. If she doesn't like the ring, it could taint what should be a special moment. And there are some awful rings out there.

Margo34 · 07/09/2020 09:39

DH proposed with a token novelty ring and I absolutely hated it! I get why he did it though as we were living abroad at the time and didn't trust authenticity of the local area jewellers. We chose together back in a UK jewellery area a few months later (the token ring had long since been disgarded as it turned my finger green and itchy), but I asked him what would he have chosen if he'd bought by himself. He found an example of what he had in mind were he buying for me not with me and that is the one we went for. I love it and so does he.

Disappointedkoala · 07/09/2020 09:41

My DH proposed without and then we went shopping for one about a month after. That was what I wanted - as he said he'd have picked a usual diamond left to his own devices but I wanted an antique non-diamond ring so this worked out for the best. I did tell him I didn't expect a ring when he proposed though.

I know plenty of guys who've taken their gf's sister or BF ring shopping to help them out though.

IndiaMay · 07/09/2020 09:41

100% I would be mortified if my fiance had chosen my ring. Jewellery (and especially rings) are my particular 'thing' and if I'm wearing it forever I want to choose it. My fiance asked me to marry him whilst we were away in a city that has LOTS of jewellery shops. After he asked we there and then went shopping together for a ring. Found one and then had a lovely lunch

ScarMatty · 07/09/2020 09:42

I chose my ring.

DH said what he would've chosen and I would have absolutely hated it.

Much better to choose

FuzzyPuffling · 07/09/2020 09:43

I'm disagreeing on the premise that an engagement ring is the most important piece of jewellery you own. I never wear mine!

Also, there are fashions in rings...in 20 years time you could hate what you chose earlier.

And maybe an increase in resources in later years means you can upgrade as circumstances allow.

I just don't buy into the "this is the ring for ever and ever". That's what a wedding ring is for!

Kolsch · 07/09/2020 09:44

My husband proposed without a ring.
We went shopping for the ring together as I didn't want the traditional one that is worn as a wedding ring on getting married ( not in UK )
I knew in my mind the type that I wanted and I must have driven him mad trailing him around all the jewellers in a crowded city centre on a boiling hot Saturday afternoon until I found it. 😂

mindutopia · 07/09/2020 09:46

I think if you can't have an adult conversation about rings and decide together what is the best thing to do together then you don't stand a chance at hanging in there through all the challenging conversations you have to have in a long marriage. Of course you should discuss getting engaged. If you are happy for a ring to be a complete surprise, great. But dh and I did it all together as I wanted something quite specific (that wasn't a diamond) and we had it designed. It was lovely. And the proposal was very romantic and perfect. But marriage is a long road of discussions and compromises and really if someone can't manage to have a conversation about something as happy as getting engaged it doesn't bode well.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 07/09/2020 09:46

YANBU. DH proposed without a ring and then we went shopping for an antique. He had been advised by a friend of ours to buy the biggest solitaire that he could afford so that we could 'trade up' the stone in the future. Thankfully he ignored this - nothing against solitaires but they aren't my cup of tea.

I find it really weird that you would be expected to wear something every day which has been chosen for you.

hulahoopqueen · 07/09/2020 09:47

YANBU at all IMO - I intend to wear mine forever and I wanted to be certain it was something I would look at and feel a thrill every time. It’s been 3 years now and the feeling hasn’t faded.

SummerBaby2020 · 07/09/2020 09:47

I think it depends on the person tbh. My oh proposed to me just this Saturday. He chose the ring and I love it. Tbf, if he had went down on 1 knee without a ring I would have thought he was joking ( I actually did ask him that mind you ha ha 🤣 ) he had asked a while back what kind of rings I liked but said it was his sisters bf asking for his sister so he had a fair idea of what kind of design I liked and what I didn’t.

laylalalalao · 07/09/2020 09:48

I love that DP chose my ring, made it all the more special

Chocolate1984 · 07/09/2020 09:48

I’ve been married 9 years and still don’t like my engagement ring. It’s a nice enough ring, I’m sure, but I don’t like it. I wish I had said at the time but I didn’t want to offend him and everyone was so happy that I didn’t want to spoil it by being ungrateful. When I was pushing the pram I used to hate seeing it all the time. Get a ring you love, you’ll be wearing it a long time.

SurreyHillsGirl · 07/09/2020 09:48

My DH chose my ring but he knew what I liked as had done some digging with my friends and sister!

When he proposed, I was so taken back by its beauty that my eyes nearly fell out of their head It's the dream engagement ring. I get loads of compliments on it and people are always impressed that DH chose it and not me! It feels extra special that DH went to so much effort.

Soozikinzii · 07/09/2020 09:49

I lent my son my grandmas ring to propose with and then he and his now wife chose a ring she liked. That seemed to work well x

EdithWeston · 07/09/2020 09:50

A colleague of mine did it in a way I think was perfect.

When he proposed, he had a necklace (not a particularly expensive one, but one that he was pretty damned sure she would like) to mark that day, and then they went ring shopping together.

He didn't want to chat rings to her beforehand, and although he was pretty sure of her general jewellery tastes, he just didn't know if she'd always had a hankering for a particular engagement ring and, if she did, that was the ring he wanted her to have.

steppemum · 07/09/2020 09:54

propose without a ring and then buy together.

Unless you really do know her well, and you have looked at rings together/she has shown you what you like etc.

I have unexpected/unconventional taste in rings and would absolutley hate to wear something I didn't like.
But within a pretty broad band, I would have been happy, so if we had looked at rings at any point, he would know and then I would be happy for him to choose.

SqidgeBum · 07/09/2020 09:57

I was very specific with (now) DH. I wanted to pick my own ring. So he proposed with no ring, and then we went together and picked it and bought it the next day before we told anyone. I absolutely love my ring and still admire it every day, 5 years on.

I know some women are happy with their DP picking it, but I figured if I was going to wear it for the rest of my life, I wanted one we picked together, not just him. Your DPs friend should know which type of woman he is proposing to.

thebeatofthedrum · 07/09/2020 09:57

Well, I proposed to him so there was no ring but we did go out together the next to get one before we told anyone we were engaged. It was also an unplanned proposal (it took us both a bit by surprise I think but 25 years later it was still the right decision).

SabrinaSalem · 07/09/2020 10:00

I'm with you, OP. As you say, it's something you intend to wear every day for the rest of your life, so I was always very clear when discussing it with him that I would want to choose my own. Personally, I don't find the idea that my DP is 'supposed' to present me with a ring that I may feel obliged to wear forever even if I secretly hated it very romantic.
DP proposed with a cheapo ring from Amazon which I still have and wear occasionally. I ended up getting my 'real' one made, which just goes to show that he had no hope of finding something perfect because I couldn't either!

JoanJosephJim · 07/09/2020 10:00

Also, there are fashions in rings...in 20 years time you could hate what you chose earlier

This is me, just like today I wouldn't choose the wallpaper or sofa I chose back then.

Dh and I shopped together for the ring, it was a classic gold ring and solitaire diamond, not hugely expensive either. We got engaged 23 years ago, I now wear silver jewellery and so I have some "diamonique" style rings that I wear instead on my left hand.

My wedding ring band was notched to fit the diamond of the engagement ring. I still have my rings, I just don't wear them anymore because they are not what I would choose now.

The whole if she loved him she would wear whatever he chose is quite frankly ridiculous.

Weneedmusicandtheatre · 07/09/2020 10:01

@MissConductUS

My DH proposed without a ring, then we went and bought one together. That worked out perfectly. Suggest that.

This. We did this and it was so lovely to choose together. The proposal was then just about him asking the question, not the sparkly ring.

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