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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to choose own engagement ring?

104 replies

Flygirl94 · 07/09/2020 09:01

My boyfriends friend is looking to propose to his girlfriend and has been asking us questions about ring size and buying a ring. My boyfriends told him to just go and buy a ring him likes as if the girl loves him then she’ll love his ring. I think he should propose with a v cheap token ring and they should go and shop for the ring together.
On one hand her boyfriend could choose a ring to her exact taste or she’ll love how romantic is it but on the other this is going to be the most important piece of jewellery she owns which she’ll hopefully wear forever and should love it, he could get it completely wrong and she can’t say.
Thoughts or experiences please to settle a debate. I’m more than happy to be told I’m unromantic and wrong

OP posts:
Onechance551188 · 07/09/2020 10:03

I can see why people would want to choose the ring together- you want it to be what you want and you have to wear it forever so would be a shame if you hated it!
However I think it’s really sweet when the person proposing picks it themselves. My then boyfriend spent weeks finding the right one and it is perfect and I do love it, I didn’t have to learn to love it! He knew exactly what I would like. On the other hand I think I would still love it even if it wasn’t quite my taste because of the thought, the meaning and the surprise!
Each to their own I suppose! OP could you not get some ideas off of her and let him know?

qwertypie · 07/09/2020 10:04

Tell them to scrap the idea of a proposal altogether. Why don't they just discuss it like two adults?

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 07/09/2020 10:06

Thanks so much for all your responses, I didn’t think I’d get so many and enjoyed reading them all. Also have happily showed them to my boyfriend ☺️

As we’ve been together for 3 years if he has any ideas of following his friend in future and taking his own advice hopefully he’ll rethink

OP posts:
EmilySpinach · 07/09/2020 10:07

Your ring isn't automatically more special if your DH chooses it. What's special is your husband-to-be knowing you well enough to know what you would want. If you're someone who wants him to choose the ring, then that's what is special to you. If DH had presented me with a ring of his choice it would have shown me that he didn't know me at all; what was special for us was his knowledge that I wanted something old and unusual and that I would take a great deal of pleasure in making that choice with him.

fairydustandpixies · 07/09/2020 10:07

Having been in receipt of five engagement rings (but only got married - and divorced - twice!), three were chosen for me and the other two I chose. If it's relevant, I ended up marrying two of the guys who had chosen for me.

I think if the parties know each other well enough, the guy will pick the right ring because he'll know what her tastes are.

TheChristmasPrincess · 07/09/2020 10:07

DH let it be known that he wanted to be the one to choose my engagement ring as it would be his gift and token of love to me. I did try to explain to him that if this was the case he had to make sure he picked the right ring as I was the one who would be wearing it for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t have minded an okay ring (which I could alter in itself or enhance with my own wedding ring) but I would be honest and say something if I really disliked it. He obviously didn’t like this but I suppose that put the pressure on to get it right.

I was allowed to help by dropping hints of what I liked (white gold band, thick band, square cluster diamonds or an emerald cut diamond) as well as styles that I preferred. I also pointed out rings I liked in passing.

In the end, after hours of research, discussing my preferences with the jewellers and raiding my jewellery box (he noticed that I had a preference for sapphire jewellery) he picked me the most beautiful sapphire and diamond square cluster engagement ring. I honestly couldn’t have picked better myself. It was beautiful!

I think the man picking the ring can work if he puts a lot of thought into it and there’s an understanding between the couple which allows for the discussion of preferences and taste. I do suppose it depends on how much thought and attention the man is willing to put into it. But I suppose this way may lose the spontaneity of the proposal, as if you have discussions about rings you will know a proposal is coming. DH and I had a discussion where he promised me he would be proposing within the next two years (I was having doubts about his commitment to me) which opened up a dialogue about rings.

SpaceOP · 07/09/2020 10:07

There is no right or wrong. It depends on each couple. I would not have liked DH to pick a ring for me. Other women were very happy to have that happen. So it really does depend on the couple and the relationship and the individuals involved.

Having said that, most women I know preferred to choose their ring or were secretly not thrilled with the ring they got from their finance.

VinylDetective · 07/09/2020 10:07

@ExclamationPerfume

Proposing without a ring is weird. DH chose mine and I love it.
No it isn’t. Or if it is the world’s full of weird people. My proposal was in bed with no ring in sight. We chose it together and 22 years later, we two weirdos are still together and happy. It’s ages since I wore my engagement ring, my wedding ring’s the one that matters and it’s never left my finger.
GlummyMcGlummerson · 07/09/2020 10:09

I chose my own. ExH proposed with nothing as he knew I'm VERY picky about jewellery. It took me a month of trying on rings to find the right one too

EmilySpinach · 07/09/2020 10:09

I think if the parties know each other well enough, the guy will pick the right ring because he'll know what her tastes are.

What trash. I didn't know what I wanted until I saw it in an antique jewellers so poor DH wouldn't have had a chance.

BiBabbles · 07/09/2020 10:13

"If the girl loves him then she’ll love his ring" is BS and completely disregards that she might have her own feelings on things she wears beyond who gives it to her. It could backfire if he chooses something that shows he doesn't know her well. I think for an important decision like that, the many stories of at least going together to discuss it make sense. Diamonds are a fairly recent addition to the whole thing that not everyone likes and not everyone wants a ring.

My proposal didn't involve a ring. While we had discussed marriage a lot, the actual question came about spontaneously in conversation about a bad marriage on TV. We bought wedding rings together, but I've had to change mine a few times and go some years without because of arthritis in my hands. Not sure if it was the metal or the weight of it, but now any metal rings or bracelets hurt horribly.

I now wear a light silicone ring which I bought myself, have a whole set of them in different metallic colours, actually was really helpful when the switch of a lamp broke in my hand, exposing the wire and gave me a nasty shock that knocked me over. There is line in one of the rings now because of it, I can only imagine it would have been worse with a metal ring.

minnieok · 07/09/2020 10:16

I want the ring in a champagne glass in a restaurant or similar ... didn't have an engagement ring with exh, I want full on rom com this time

Ariela · 07/09/2020 10:24

I got a Haribo ring! A green one as it's my favourite flavour. Which we then shared - a hot sticky day so I wasn't wearing it more than 5 minutes! (and shared the rest of the bag).
Next week we both took a day off work and went to Hatton Garden ring shopping and picked one we both liked.

JaceLancs · 07/09/2020 10:25

I’ve been engaged 3 times but only married once
Each time chosen ring together
As I do not wish to re marry last time (4) DP called it a commitment ring instead - I still chose it though

seayork2020 · 07/09/2020 10:27

My husband proposed without a ring and 20 years on I still don't have one, I am perfectly happy with that.

Not every female wants a ring but if i was going to give advice i would say if one is bought go simple first

Ceilingfan · 07/09/2020 10:31

No, I told him the colour, stone, design and shape, hubby found the perfect ring, like perfectly perfect, so whilst it was to my liking, he still feels like he chose thw ring himself

OohThatCat · 07/09/2020 10:37

Mine picked a £50 ring, he knew I'd want something unusual for an engagement ring so for him the ring was a token as he wanted to propose with one, and I got my actual one made bespoke with watermelon tourmaline.

Maybe it depends on if she's big on jewellery? I am, so my husband would never have known what kind of ring I'd actually have liked (he did trawl through my jewellery box to have a guess but gave up on that pretty quick!)

Saying that, I do love the mock ring because it's what he proposed with, and wear it on my right hand sometimes, and I wore it on our wedding day too so for some people the mock ring still has significance.

lachy · 07/09/2020 10:41

DH proposed with a stunt ring. He had chosen an engagement ring so gave me a picture of it. The ring he picked was perfect, its very simple and stylish.

Accepting a proposal is about wanting to be married to another person, marriage is so much more than what you wear on your finger.

TheChristmasPrincess · 07/09/2020 10:43

Incidentally my sister told her DH that she wanted to pick the ring out before he proposed to her so he could propose with it at the time. She essentially admitted she didn’t trust him to get it right as he had bad taste in general. So they would go ring shopping together and then he would have to go out and buy the ring in secret. In the end, she got frustrated by the whole ordeal because she wanted the proposal to be spontaneous and romantic, but she knew it was coming. It ruined her birthday, holiday and Christmas that year becauseq she thought those would be the days he would propose. She said in hindsight it would have been better to propose without a ring (maybe with a bouquet of roses) and then shopped for it afterwards.

Also, her DH had a strict budget about how much he wanted to spend on an engagement ring. She kept picking rings out of his budget so he basically told her if she wanted one of the fancier, more expensive rings that she would have to make up the difference herself. She did. I always thought it was very modern of them!

heartsonacake · 07/09/2020 10:55

I think having a token ring and/or going out and choosing one together is just silly and defeats the purpose of the proposal.

This is something the man should do based on everything he knows about you. If he doesn’t have a clue about your taste or what would be special for you both then you probably shouldn’t be getting married as you don’t know enough about each other.

Odile13 · 07/09/2020 10:55

DH proposed without a ring (which we had previously agree on). We then shopped for one together, which was fun and we ended up with a great ring which I love. I really think people should just do what they want and not worry about what other people think.

Candyflosscookie · 07/09/2020 10:57

My boyfriends told him to just go and buy a ring him likes as if the girl loves him then she’ll love his ring.

Is he 10? Any mature adult knows people can love each other but have very different tastes, opinions and dislikes! Hmm

inappropriateraspberry · 07/09/2020 11:10

I loved that my husband chose the engagement ring. I knew he'd considered my taste and knew me well enough to pick something I'd like. I think if your boyfriend can't pick a ring he thinks you'll like, then he doesn't know you well enough or you don't trust his taste!

Laaalaaaa · 07/09/2020 11:15

I would have been gutted if my husband had produced a ‘proposal ring.’ If you know someone well enough to marry them then surely you are to be trusted to buy the ring?

Odile13 · 07/09/2020 11:19

Also, just wanted to add to my previous post, I knew I wanted to be involved in buying my engagement ring, something I would be wearing every day. It would not have made it more special for me if he picked it by himself. It doesn’t prove anything about him knowing me (in my eyes) because obviously I wouldn’t be marrying him if I didn’t think he knows and loves me!