To feel like I've "completed" life?

[NameChangeMe2020]

I feel like my life is a computer game that I'm playing, that I've completed all the levels and just going back through it aimlessly. I'm not sure what the point of it is anymore?

I'll preface this by saying I know I'll probably sound ungrateful, but I'm really not. I'm so thankful for my life and my health. I'm not suicidal or anything, just lost I think.

I'm 35 now, met DH when I was 15. We travelled for a couple of years in our late teens/early 20s. Came home, DH set up a business, I tried a few different jobs until I came to work for DH which I do now. We have built it up to a good standard and although we're not rich, we are comfortable. We've paid the mortgage down and been on some lovely holidays. I have various hobbies; swimming, walking the dogs, and I love to bake and craft.

We would have loved to have DC but after 10 years of trying I've given up hope that it will happen for us. Since then, I've just felt so lost and empty. I feel like I've achieved everything I could want to achieve. I'm happy in our house, it could happily be our "forever home" and we renovated it when we bought it. I have crossed all the places off I would love to travel to. I'm not really into material posessions, I started saving for a designer handbag for example but stopped as I realised I wasn't that fussed.

Even the hobbies I loved to do I don't enjoy anymore, I can't get lost in a book or film like I used to, or even instagram or mumsnet in the same way.

Everything just seems so empty and pointless and flat and I just don't know what to do.

AIBU to feel this way?

YANBU to feel that way, of course, your feelings are valid.

You sound like you have a lovely life in paper, but I wonder if you lack a sense of purpose or meaning? Perhaps not being able to have children so far has meant you need to reassess?

Are you sure you can’t have children, should you still want them? At 35, you should still have time, perhaps with treatment?

There is still time for children if you really wanted them?

I felt the same as you when my marriage broke down and I do have children. I wonder if it was depression looking back

@Tolleshunt I do feel like my life lacks meaning or purpose. I feel like I'm wasting it. I know 35 is relatively young but we have had various treatments which have failed, I have PCOS and have never had so much as a positive ovulation test on my own. If it happened by some miracle I would be absolutely overjoyed but both DH and I feel like we've reached a point where we need to live our lives as if children aren't going to happen for us.

@worriedandannoyed do you still feel like it now? If not, did you do anything to get out of it or did it just go away on it's own?

Would you consider fostering or adoption?

I haven't read the full thread and don't want to sound flippant. No doubt people have said this a billion times but have you considered fostering children? You sound like you have a lot to offer.
And I'm sorry you haven't conceived. I had fertility treatment soo ii understand to an extent.

What would you like to do? If you weren't working for your husband, what would you like to do? As you've paid off your mortgage, could you look at paying to study something?

YANBU. It probably is related in some way to not having DC if that's what you'd always expected from life. But I also wonder if it's an age thing as well.

I felt very similar at a similar age. I'd just had my second child. From my experience, as a woman I was given a life trajectory of school, uni, good job, house, husband and children. And by 35 I'd done it all. I do think after reaching a certain age, women are seen as invisible and not much thought seems to go into what we can do in life after children or if we don't have children. I had a bit of a midlife crisis and hated myself for a while because I wasn't young anymore. Eventually, I realised a certain freedom comes with reaching the age where there are no more social expectations on me. I also don't want to be 'that' poster, but I recently lost my sister to cancer. She was younger than I am I can't help thinking it was too young, she had so much life left to live. Now I am determined not to waste any of the time I've been lucky enough to have.

Have you considered adopting or fostering?

Of course YANBU to feel how you feel.

However, perhaps a more helpful question might be "Can anyone suggest how I can change it?"

One thought is - do you want to re-train and do something work wise that fulfills you more ?
or
What about finding some voluntary work that inspires you or gives you a sense of purpose or fulfillment ?
There are so many different thousands of roles that can be incredibly fulfilling.

In regards to adoption/fostering, I would love to foster but DH isn't keen on the idea.

I used to want to adopt, I remember being really young and watching a documentary about some families who adopted from China and I really wanted to do it, but the more I've read and learned about the adoption process in general, and then on top of all the infertility heartache and invasiveness, I just don't think I could put myself through it.

Well, that sounds pretty boring and limited to me — but you might well find my life too chancy — and of course it doesn’t need to be. Covid permitting, go and live in another country for a year or two? Retrain for an entirely new career?

The anhedonia I would check out, though — see your GP and investigate depression. I’m not going to mention adoption, because you will of course have had it suggested a hundred times. But if you’re absolutely certain you will not be having a child, it may mean that you need to take time to mourn that.

@Fatted that's awful, I'm so sorry about your sister. I lost my Dad a few years ago in a car accident, he was only 52 and I think that took a lot of the shine off life too. He was the life and soul of our family and nothing feels the same without him.

@SwedishEdith I'm not sure. That's a good question. I never really had a dream career. Growing up I always just wanted to be a Mum, I thought I'd be a SAHM with 4 kids at this point in my life. I don't know who I am without that.

@BackforGood Yes I probably should have phrased it that way! I think making some time to do some voluntary work might is a good idea. I don't find our work particularly fulfilling anymore but I also just don't know what else I would want to do?

YANBU. And also, having children isn't the be all and end all. In fact, many many parents are so consumed by the relentless drudgery they just don't have time for anything else in their lives. That's not to say there aren't good bits, but it's often a thankless task.
I think you can achieve a lot by focusing on a charity or cause, something that transcends you as an individual. If you have a particular interest or expertise or experience to draw upon then so much the better. Like animals? Want to help the environment? Feminist causes are never ending and brilliant, I'm involved in foreign aid charities which is interesting.

[quote NameChangeMe2020]@SwedishEdith I'm not sure. That's a good question. I never really had a dream career. Growing up I always just wanted to be a Mum, I thought I'd be a SAHM with 4 kids at this point in my life. I don't know who I am without that.[/quote]
It doesn't need to be a 'dream career' yet. Just what sparks your interest or something that you're curious about. I'd think about that and see where you can go with that to develop it. I'm sorry you wanted children and that's not happened yet

[quote NameChangeMe2020]@Fatted that's awful, I'm so sorry about your sister. I lost my Dad a few years ago in a car accident, he was only 52 and I think that took a lot of the shine off life too. He was the life and soul of our family and nothing feels the same without him.[/quote]
This is probably the root of your pain. I have no advice as I have the same pain :( My life lost meaning when they died and I was by myself.

Posters suggesting adoption are not helpful, I'm sure OP has considered it

OP, what you describe is, in all honesty, pretty boring so there is nothing wrong with how you feel. I think you need a goal, a career, or project of sorts - think of what you want to do, what you're good at and start on it. You sounds financially sound so you could take on some training or education to meet your goal.

I think you need to find your passion . Drama or sport or radio presenting or education or a charity that means the world to you . These are time consuming and can give you purpose.

What are you interests?

Have the fertility doctors you've seen run out of ideas? If they haven't, I would have a last ditch attempt for another year or so. I had both my dc older than you are now so I certainly don't see it as a cut-off point. You've wanted children it seems for such a long time, accepting that you can't have them (if indeed you can't) is not going to happen overnight. Nor will getting over the death of a parent, which is such a hard thing in itself. If you have never taken antidepressants it's worth considering, you sound very "flat".

Have you thought about counselling? It might be a good way to talk everything through with someone neutral. You do sound down. You have been through a lot. You are still young and it sounds like you are giving up and you need to find something to reinvigorate you. I think you need to find things you can get excited about, whether that means looking at a new career, retraining, starting some new hobbies and interests or whatever it might be.

I'm guessing you've already considered other options such as egg donation and surrogacy.

Infertility is horrible and can have a profound effect on any of us. There's nothing surprising about how you're currently feeling. Would talking to a counsellor specialising in fertility issues be a support in what you're going through?

It's weird but I didn't notice when the feeling had gone. It was only reading your post that made me realise it had gone.

I guess my life has improved slightly since the so I'm not as sad

'having children isn't the be all and end all'

But you wouldn't be without yours, yes?

To me it sounds like you need more than a passion or an engrossing hobby, you need a cause, something that makes you feel your life has a purpose. What Mayswear said about something that transcends you as an individual. Look around and see what you can find: these are difficult times and there are many, many ways in which your energy could be used.