To feel like I've "completed" life?

[NameChangeMe2020]

I feel like my life is a computer game that I'm playing, that I've completed all the levels and just going back through it aimlessly. I'm not sure what the point of it is anymore?

I'll preface this by saying I know I'll probably sound ungrateful, but I'm really not. I'm so thankful for my life and my health. I'm not suicidal or anything, just lost I think.

I'm 35 now, met DH when I was 15. We travelled for a couple of years in our late teens/early 20s. Came home, DH set up a business, I tried a few different jobs until I came to work for DH which I do now. We have built it up to a good standard and although we're not rich, we are comfortable. We've paid the mortgage down and been on some lovely holidays. I have various hobbies; swimming, walking the dogs, and I love to bake and craft.

We would have loved to have DC but after 10 years of trying I've given up hope that it will happen for us. Since then, I've just felt so lost and empty. I feel like I've achieved everything I could want to achieve. I'm happy in our house, it could happily be our "forever home" and we renovated it when we bought it. I have crossed all the places off I would love to travel to. I'm not really into material posessions, I started saving for a designer handbag for example but stopped as I realised I wasn't that fussed.

Even the hobbies I loved to do I don't enjoy anymore, I can't get lost in a book or film like I used to, or even instagram or mumsnet in the same way.

Everything just seems so empty and pointless and flat and I just don't know what to do.

AIBU to feel this way?

@NameChangeMe2020

I feel like my life is a computer game that I'm playing, that I've completed all the levels and just going back through it aimlessly. I'm not sure what the point of it is anymore?

I'll preface this by saying I know I'll probably sound ungrateful, but I'm really not. I'm so thankful for my life and my health. I'm not suicidal or anything, just lost I think.

I'm 35 now, met DH when I was 15. We travelled for a couple of years in our late teens/early 20s. Came home, DH set up a business, I tried a few different jobs until I came to work for DH which I do now. We have built it up to a good standard and although we're not rich, we are comfortable. We've paid the mortgage down and been on some lovely holidays. I have various hobbies; swimming, walking the dogs, and I love to bake and craft.

We would have loved to have DC but after 10 years of trying I've given up hope that it will happen for us. Since then, I've just felt so lost and empty. I feel like I've achieved everything I could want to achieve. I'm happy in our house, it could happily be our "forever home" and we renovated it when we bought it. I have crossed all the places off I would love to travel to. I'm not really into material posessions, I started saving for a designer handbag for example but stopped as I realised I wasn't that fussed.

Even the hobbies I loved to do I don't enjoy anymore, I can't get lost in a book or film like I used to, or even instagram or mumsnet in the same way.

Everything just seems so empty and pointless and flat and I just don't know what to do.

AIBU to feel this way?

You dont seem to have completed anything. You're just sat in the first tutorial bit doing fuck all.

If you've completed all the levels then which patent numbers are yours?

Surely "invent something" is at least level 40

Your post is exactly how I felt at your age (have since had succesful IVF). A real sense that, other than having children, I had achieved most of what I really wanted to do and if I died then, it wouldn't really matter. It was an oddly peaceful yet also distressing feeling.

I dealt with it by trying to change my viewpoint about things I wanted to achieve - having a second home so it would have been easier to be close to my nieces and nephews, potentially living abroad, aiming to spend more time away with friends. Sometimes these days I miss that that door has closed.

I hope you find your way through one way or another

@elsewyre what I mean is, everything I ever imagined wanting to do I've done. I've never wanted to patent anything. And maybe the person who does have 40 patents isn't interested in weight lifting, or knitting and hasn't done that. Doesn't mean either set of interests are less worthy than another.

@sheepisheep It was an oddly peaceful yet also distressing feeling.

Yes, exactly this. If I died tomorrow and went to heaven and God asked me if I'd had a good life, I'd say yes whilst also being deeply sad that I never got to do the thing I wanted most.

I'm sorry that you can understand how I feel but glad you got your baby.

@Elsewyre What a spiteful thing to say.

I know what you mean - I was just saying to a friend the other day that I wish I could "unlock" new levels and discover new places. I genuinely feel I have done everything and been everywhere and I can't find anything new to do.

I also don't have kids (but through choice) and I do think this makes it harder because you don't have the sense of progression that comes from raising children and life can feel a bit more like groundhog day.

Posters suggesting adoption are not helpful, I'm sure OP has considered it

Completely agree.

Fostering and Adoption can be very challenging, and is often suggested as a "last resort" I think you need to concentrate on your own ability to have a family .Many people have been successful somewhat older than you are! Can you maybe get a pet

Yes, forget about being a mum and get a cockerpoo instead of adopting a child Adoption can be challenging or it can be (speaking from my own experience) the way to become mummy to the most loving, kind, clever, funny daughter any parent could wish for. I wouldn't have missed out on the last 16 years with my (adopted) daughter for anything.

OP - I hope counselling helps you to find a way forward and if it leads you to considering adoption again please don't be put off by negative stories.

Mumsnet hates surrogacy but in the US it isn't some poor uneducated woman. They have to have 2 of their own and be educated etc. You get a lot of military wives who have completed their families but would like to carry again and to whom the money will change their children's futures. The baby is yours before it's born via court order

It might very well change the children's future if their mother suffers life changing injuries (or dies) during childbirth. Or they see their mother renting out her womb to pay their future college fees. Or watch her distress (and possibly have to live with her ongoing depression) at having to hand over the child she has carried for nine months because a court orders her to.

@garlictwist I also don't have kids (but through choice) and I do think this makes it harder because you don't have the sense of progression that comes from raising children and life can feel a bit more like groundhog day.

Yes, that's it. I like having a plan and I feel like I've always had my life broken down into smaller goals - travel, buy a house, get married. There was always something to look forward to on the horizon. I would love to watch children grow up, plan for birthday parties and Christmases, I feel like maybe having children would have also reinvigorated me for things like holidays and travelling by seeing things through their eyes too.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to fill my time with now.

@StFrancis *I'd never imagined myself a SAHM but my 'meaning' and purpose had always been to build solid foundations for staying a family.

If I hadn't been able to have them I think I would have had to do some real soul-searching to find another overarching sense of purpose. Is there any issue or group of people you think you could be really passionate about?*

I'm not sure, it's something I'd have to think about. Like you, I've been so focused on building a foundation for a family; get a nice house, get relatively okay financially, etc. And then the TTC too, that quickly became all consuming. I feel like I had no room at all, my brain was so tightly packed and busy, and now take the TTC away and I just don't know what to do because I never had to think about it.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion but personally I didn't feel we were taking advantage of a white middle class lady with a degree who wanted to be a surrogate. She was a doula with 2 kids. We didn't use her in the end because I fell pregnant but she did go on to be someone else doula and was very happy with the experience.

Finding meaning in the second half of life may be a useful read.

I have felt as you seem to be feeling currently and I am sending you good wishes - you have a lot more to do in your life.

Why don't you look at some of your local organisations such as Rotary. They are all crying out for new members, particularly people in your age group who would like to run the club their way. The old rules have been ripped up, so open to all who just want to get involved with the local community and have a lot of fun doing it. In the time I have been involved we have raised £1,000s running dinners, quizzes, beer festivals and Rock concerts. It is a great way to meet new people and very satisfying.

What helped you to get out of it @pigcon1?

I think you've just hit the Middle Age Existential Crisis Level.

Not only but things that helped, walking, cycling (with friends), getting therapy, learning to be a bit more open with others, actively getting more involved with my local community. This is over a course of 5 years, very incremental opening up.

Hi OP what you're feeling is entirely understandable. I recommend Gateway Women it's a group run by Jodi Day on moving on from involuntary childlessness. Her book 'rocking the life unexpected' is particularly good too.

Sounds like you need more of a challenge in your life. Try working for the NHS at the moment, that will give you something to think about. My point is you need to stop feeling sorry for your self - try stepping out of your comfort zone and finding something that helps other people who really do have a problem. When I finish a long-day shift I stand under a steaming hot shower and marvel at what a wonderful thing running hot water is ( if I'm lucky DH will join me ) . Sounds daft doesn't it but it's an elemental thing as hot water that reminds me what really matters. That and contact with another human being. There are people out there who really do need a hand , just to breathe sometimes. Boredom is a waste, make a difference. Just my take on it.

Personally I have no issues with US surrogacy, it's down to personal choice, but there is also the option of UK surrogacy which is non commercial.

I'll have a look at that, thanks @iggypoppie

I think you're right @VesperLynne I definitely need something to challenge me in my life. I actually always really wanted to work for the NHS but they never accepted any of my applications unfortunately! It doesn't sound daft. I disagree that it's boredom though, I've never really struggled with boredom before, I tend to like my own company and can usually find something to fill my time.

I think that part of my problem might be lack of human contact. DH works a lot of hours and even though we have a business together we don't often work together. I only have a small family and friend circle which I'm happy with in general but lockdown hasn't really helped much with that.

I'm sorry about you losing your dad, op, and about how you're feeling.

I think you could be going through bereavement feelings, still, people can get delayed grieving, I think especially if it's a shock and unexpected.That feeling- of not really wanting anything- can be a feeling people experience in bereavement.

Mumsnet has a good bereavement section, maybe you could even post on it and link to this post (I'm not sure how you'd do that, I'm afraid! but I think it's possible) or even start a new thread asking, does this sound like bereavement. It might help if you were to talk about losing your dad or even write down for your self about how you feel about it, it might help.
I hope you feel better anyway,

I also could not have children. I've also felt very similar. I still do sometimes, but not so often. Changing career, and having that to focus on, has helped hugely - I now do something I couldn't do if I had children. (Some people do but I personally can't imagine how!) I finally feel that my life is evolving differently and positively past that 'family' point. Sounds like you are at that moment and need to see what could be next that isn't children. It's tough and you will need to grieve, but I promise that things do start to feel much better once you are on your way past that particular signpost. (And it sounds like you're already starting off by realising that gruelling treatments are no longer for you.)

I really identify with what you say about lack of purpose, lack of challenge, spending a lot of time on your own and wondering what Is It All About?

I'm different in that I actively never wanted to have children and now I'm menopausal I also lack a certain degree of energy and motivation. I do look at friends and see how their children give their days structure, things to aim for, things to worry about, pleasure and meaning.

Try working for the NHS at the moment

I work for the NHS. It does not help you when your personal life is in crisis. What a bizarre thing to suggest.