To feel like I've "completed" life?

[NameChangeMe2020]

I feel like my life is a computer game that I'm playing, that I've completed all the levels and just going back through it aimlessly. I'm not sure what the point of it is anymore?

I'll preface this by saying I know I'll probably sound ungrateful, but I'm really not. I'm so thankful for my life and my health. I'm not suicidal or anything, just lost I think.

I'm 35 now, met DH when I was 15. We travelled for a couple of years in our late teens/early 20s. Came home, DH set up a business, I tried a few different jobs until I came to work for DH which I do now. We have built it up to a good standard and although we're not rich, we are comfortable. We've paid the mortgage down and been on some lovely holidays. I have various hobbies; swimming, walking the dogs, and I love to bake and craft.

We would have loved to have DC but after 10 years of trying I've given up hope that it will happen for us. Since then, I've just felt so lost and empty. I feel like I've achieved everything I could want to achieve. I'm happy in our house, it could happily be our "forever home" and we renovated it when we bought it. I have crossed all the places off I would love to travel to. I'm not really into material posessions, I started saving for a designer handbag for example but stopped as I realised I wasn't that fussed.

Even the hobbies I loved to do I don't enjoy anymore, I can't get lost in a book or film like I used to, or even instagram or mumsnet in the same way.

Everything just seems so empty and pointless and flat and I just don't know what to do.

AIBU to feel this way?

You sound flat and depressed. Have you exhausted fertility treatment? Various treatments but if they are to assist you in ovulating, they are same as having ivf, which makes you ovulate. I think your dh doesn’t get how you feel. Perhaps you will try and fail. However, if you don’t try, you may have a burning regret later in life.

It sounds like you really want children. I can't tell from your post if you have tried fertility treatment, but in your shoes, I'd be doing absolutely everything to try and have a baby and throw some money at it.

OP, you haven't "completed life", but congrats on all you've achieved so far. Not many of us are financially secure and happily partnered by 35. You've done it, and this will give you a solid foundation for the next level of your life's game.

I think it's natural to occasionally lob in a sort of purgatory, waiting for the next goal, purpose, direction to reveal itself. That's where you are now. You feel a bit blah, not sure what to do next. (Folks, this is NORMAL!!) Seriously, you need to get cosy with it, not fight it. To use a medical analogy, don't try to reduce the fever or the swelling; let the natural healing forces do their work. Take care of yourself physically, go for long walks, bake, craft things and let your brain sort it out, as it will.

May I suggest something that has worked for me? Ask yourself: WHAT PISSES ME OFF? What am I really annoyed about? What needs to be done in the world, or at least my immediate community? Can I help? Can I start doing it on a basic level and, if I like it, take courses and skill up to do something bigger?

When I review my own career, I see that success has come from my being able to identify what needs to be done, then doing it. (Usually without permission, heh heh.) Bosses have said "We really need to do X", then looked around and realised "Actually, Groovergirl already has that under control". In my first job, as a 17yo music shop assistant, it was as simple as compiling a list of bestsellers so that we could ensure our customers could rely on us for their classic rock music collections. We sold a shipload of Rumours and Dark Side of the Moon

After my decade of bad luck I've lost both parents, endured redundancies, been cheated on and lied to, divorced and had to fight XH for the house, and lost friends who thought the divorce was my fault because I wasn't wifely and self-sacrificing I've emerged by focusing on what seriously PISSES ME OFF!!!! It pisses me off that my DF (cared for by me and my DB) was not able to have quality specialist care that might have staved off his dementia, simply because so few people work in this area.

So, on Sept 22 I will start my training as a student nurse. I want to specialise in aged care and ensure our elders find valuable, visible roles in society. This is totally different from my first career, and is a new frontier. I am 54 and fit, and my renewed sense of purpose has already spilled over into other areas; I''m doing ballet again, and after years of living in depression and disarray am getting my house and garden in order. IT FEELS SO AMAZING! Next level, here I come!

You can do it too, OP. Just let your blahs do their work.

Re your wanted DC, I'm sorry for your struggle. But 35 is young, and DCs could still happen for you. Now, here's a tough question: How fit are you? What aerobic exercise do you do? Some will hate me for saying this, but if you are even a little bit pudgy, get your fat down and your muscle up. Running or dancing will really tone up your endocrine system and help your body to work effectively -- and it's free, once you've got some decent shoes. I thought I'd never have kids, but at 41 and at my fittest I naturally conceived DD, and she is the light of my life. Not promising this will happen for you, but the fitter you are the better your chances. Good luck.

There actually is a strong link between PCOS and depression. If you research it, you may find some ideas to help.

What treatments have you had op? I have pcos and took a very long time to conceive. I conceived at 36.

YANBU. You are in the slow painful process of letting go of the children you thought you would have. You are grieving OP, for the family you thought you'd have and the life you thought you would live. Depression or listlessness is a part of the grieving process and you need to let it happen. I'm sure you know this because you have lost someone.
Be kind to yourself. Do safe cosy things. Cry when you need. Don't force yourself to make big new life plans until you feel better.
You will feel better but it might take time

I also advocate running - it was life changing for me. We were born to run.

So sorry OP for what you have been and are going through. There’s nothing more irritating than people going, have you tried xyz, my great aunt petunia started having sex facing East after years of infertility and naturally conceived, have you thought about adoption? It’s almost like TTC had passed you by rather than becoming emotionally, physically and financially all encompassing. There comes a point where having hope that you know is probably false is more painful than giving up on that hope.

It sounds like you are potentially depressed and need to grieve for the life you thought you would have. That will help you move forward onto the next level, you need to find something new to give your life some kind of new meaning. I really would encourage you to seek some counselling, find someone you feel comfortable with, that it so important. Sometimes the sea of life doesn’t take you to your original destination but there’s some amazing places, you just need to find an accessible and pleasing shore to wash up on. Good luck

Voluntary work in an area that interests you could well be the way to go. My sister is in a similar position to you and works with a charity that helps the families of children with special educational needs and disabilities get support - she's had lots of training and finds it really rewarding. There really is a very wide variety of voluntary work around, check out what is available locally.

Op I really feel for you, with your grief over losing your Dad and your battle with infertility it’s obviously a really tough time for you, then with Covid meaning you can’t go travelling etc I can see how you are feeling lost and stuck.

First I would look at therapy, having someone else to talk to and help with your feelings and grief.

I would also sit down and do a brainstorm of your interests, hopes and goals. These can be things you are interested in but also things you have never really thought about too! Would you learn a language, take up mountain climbing, volunteer at a charity, take on a rescue cat, grow some veggies, do a sponsored run, take up yoga etc.
You could compile a list and see what grabs you. I would also recommend reading some Thich Nhat Hanh, such as his art of living book it really changes your way of thinking in my experience.

Best of luck.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time with the loss of your dad and fertility challenges. It sounds like your feelings are completely understandable. It does sound like counselling might be helpful as part of the process to find a way forward.

I think that if children are not going to happen then it might help to actively create a life that is incompatible with children, so that you have gained something through the circumstance of not having children. By that I mean you might reconsider where you live (is your house a ‘family home’? If so, is that actually what you want if you don’t have dc or would you prefer to live in a fabulous apartment in the middle of a city or a house that is impractical for dc or have a pied a terre in town and a country getaway if that’s affordable for the same price as your current family home), the work you do (you could try a totally different job, rather than working with Dh, or perhaps study something part time just to try it out), your hobbies (you can try a thousand different hobbies or sports just to see what you like now, as it’ll likely change over the course of your life - I’m 42 and the sports I do now are different to those I did at 35!), your travels options (you could take long term time holidays or adult gap years - travelling with friends if Dh isn’t keen). It sounds like you’ve done a lot in your time since meeting your dh and in some ways followed a somewhat conventional path (which is great). Now that life has thrown you a curve ball, it might be time to step away from the conventional and try to seek a different pathway - just because you can, not because it’s your calling - alongside your dh.

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies, I honestly thought I'd be told to get a grip!

I can understand people saying we should just carry on TTC and I used to think I'd never be able to stop while there was money and time available to me, but after ten years of this and appointments and treatments and tears and injections and tablets and ovulation tests and doing pregnancy tests every month "just in case" and getting our hopes up only to be disappointed yet again... I just can't do it anymore. I can't put myself or DH through it any more. Making that decision to not TTC anymore actually felt like a relief in a lot of ways, although it doesn't stop me from feeling like this obviously.

I've tried so many hobbies and sports type things while we were TTC as a distraction - I learnt Spanish, got into weight lifting, grew vegetables, grew flowers. I can knit, crochet, sew, decorate cakes, embroider. I've painted furniture and learnt how to use a drill and repair a bike. I've taken cooking classes, photography classes, and even a circus skills class. We've been camping and to 5* hotels and everything in between. I don't feel like there's anything left for me.

I think people suggesting depression might be right. I actually have a first appointment with a counsellor for next week so we'll see how that goes.

I've felt exactly like this. I was depressed. Medication and counselling sorted me out. X

I can understand people saying we should just carry on TTC and I used to think I'd never be able to stop while there was money and time available to me, but after ten years of this and appointments and treatments and tears and injections and tablets and ovulation tests and doing pregnancy tests every month "just in case" and getting our hopes up only to be disappointed yet again... I just can't do it anymore. I can't put myself or DH through it any more. Making that decision to not TTC anymore actually felt like a relief in a lot of ways, although it doesn't stop me from feeling like this obviously.

I was the same OP. Also spent the first 10 years of my marriage ttc though was a little older than you (29) when I started. I echo what a PP said about Gateway Women. I think a lot of people who have not experienced long term infertility do not realise how corrosive and relentless and generally shit it can be when you are on the treatment treadmill. Hope is not always a positive thing, it can stop you moving on. You do sound depressed, no longer enjoying things you used to is a classic sign and maybe you should see your doctor about that.

I found this book helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Finding-Joy-Beyond-Childlessness-Fulfilling/dp/0999257927?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I wish you all the best and sending a virtual handhold.

Could you afford to go down the surrogacy route?

That Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness shown above, sounds really good OP.

To add to everyone else's suggestions, I would like to add the idea of changing your work which you said doesn't leave you fulfilled. It sounds like you have the freedom and financial situation to try other things.

Could you incorporate meaning and purpose into a working life? Something like paediatric nursing or physiotherapy or something like that?

I hope this thread has helped you, from what you have written I can completely understand how you feel. I hope you can feel a lighter heart soon.

I think at 35 you still have time ahead of you for IVF maybe? Fostering and Adoption can be very challenging, and is often suggested as a "last resort" I think you need to concentrate on your own ability to have a family .Many people have been successful somewhat older than you are! Can you maybe get a pet ? This will give you a new focus and help you relax .Maybe travel again a little ? While you have built up a business with DH maybe look to an independent job or some voluntary work? Your life is only just beginning!

Glad you are seeing someone about depression.

Personally, I would not be able to work with DH for a long period of time, and really admire couples who do so, but maybe part of the issue is that you need to figure out who you are.

OP I just wanted to say I can relate. It sounds like you've had a really tough few years and it would be odd if you weren't burnt out emotionally or depressed.

I think you need to stop 'doing' and just be for a bit. No more classes or crafts or travel or striving or being busy. Just stop. Let yourself process what has happened, grieve properly and talk about your feelings with someone. You must be carrying a lot of anger and sadness and frustration and there's only so much you can distract yourself from that. Just take it one day at a time for now. I'm finding mindfulness really really helpful - definitely give it a go - but counselling is definitely important too.

I think I have been struggling for a long time with not having a purpose and seeing life as this empty thing which I couldn't possibly adequately fill however busy I was because I don't have children and that is what I wanted more than anything. It felt like nothing else could bring the same joy and meaning. But suddenly out of nowhere, by doing a lot of sitting with my own thoughts and not being busy, I had this big idea of what I wanted to do and it turns out it's deeply meaningful and will (hopefully!) change lots of lives. And suddenly there is so much potential in terms of there being fulfilment in my future (although I have lots of work ahead of me, but that's ok - that will feel good in itself). I'm not sure everyone is destined to find a big something that gives them purpose but you don't know until you stop and let things rise to the surface. If nothing else, in my personal life I'm now striving for deep connections with others over stimulating/fun activities (lovely as travel and other hobbies are). It's changing my life drastically.

Just take care of yourself. You still have so much ahead of you, I promise.

So, on Sept 22 I will start my training as a student nurse. I want to specialise in aged care and ensure our elders find valuable, visible roles in society. This is totally different from my first career, and is a new frontier. I am 54 and fit, and my renewed sense of purpose has already spilled over into other areas; I''m doing ballet again, and after years of living in depression and disarray am getting my house and garden in order. IT FEELS SO AMAZING! Next level, here I come!

Ah, you sound like an absolutely brilliant human. I wish I knew you in real life! I hope your training goes well. You are going to do so much good.

You do sound rather flat, possibly depressed.

There is definitely life beyond ttc, if that is what you both want, but reading between the lines of your post I'm not sure it is. Ovulation issues are usually the easiest to solve via fertility treatment. There's lots of knowledge on the conception and fertility boards here if you want to go down that route.

If I'm wrong and you both really want to move away from ttc then I think you need something in your life to work towards, to change things up. A new career, a country move, an ambitious hobby, etc.

My lovely psychiatrist said she thought anhedonia was a primary symptom of depression.
And it's hardly surprising if you are depressed after a sudden bereavement and infertility.
Talk to a GP, ask for counselling, but don't rule out antidepressants - sometimes you need them for a bit to support you while you engage with therapy.

Yanbu - it sounds like you might be depressed. One of the symptoms is finding no pleasure in life or things you usually enjoy.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/symptoms/

Why not surrogacy in the US? If you've got the money that's the route I'd take. Mumsnet hates surrogacy but in the US it isn't some poor uneducated woman. They have to have 2 of their own and be educated etc. You get a lot of military wives who have completed their families but would like to carry again and to whom the money will change their children's futures. The baby is yours before it's born via court order. California seems to be the best state.

I'm conscious that this may be a bloody unhelpful thing to say but I relate because I was starting to feel a bit that way before I had my first child.

I'd never imagined myself a SAHM but my 'meaning' and purpose had always been to build solid foundations for staying a family.

If I hadn't been able to have them I think I would have had to do some real soul-searching to find another overarching sense of purpose. Is there any issue or group of people you think you could be really passionate about? I do think about what will take my focus once children are grown (and of course they may never have children of their own so can't necessarily focus on grandchildren!) and I suspect it will be some form of volunteering or generally something in order to leave my little corner of the world and the people in it in a better state than I found them.

Don't get me wrong, I'll travel and please myself a bit first if I'm lucky enough to have my health when I retire(!) but I think a sense of fulfillment only really comes from helping other people, even in a small way and I wonder if this would help you.