To feel like I've "completed" life?

[NameChangeMe2020]

I feel like my life is a computer game that I'm playing, that I've completed all the levels and just going back through it aimlessly. I'm not sure what the point of it is anymore?

I'll preface this by saying I know I'll probably sound ungrateful, but I'm really not. I'm so thankful for my life and my health. I'm not suicidal or anything, just lost I think.

I'm 35 now, met DH when I was 15. We travelled for a couple of years in our late teens/early 20s. Came home, DH set up a business, I tried a few different jobs until I came to work for DH which I do now. We have built it up to a good standard and although we're not rich, we are comfortable. We've paid the mortgage down and been on some lovely holidays. I have various hobbies; swimming, walking the dogs, and I love to bake and craft.

We would have loved to have DC but after 10 years of trying I've given up hope that it will happen for us. Since then, I've just felt so lost and empty. I feel like I've achieved everything I could want to achieve. I'm happy in our house, it could happily be our "forever home" and we renovated it when we bought it. I have crossed all the places off I would love to travel to. I'm not really into material posessions, I started saving for a designer handbag for example but stopped as I realised I wasn't that fussed.

Even the hobbies I loved to do I don't enjoy anymore, I can't get lost in a book or film like I used to, or even instagram or mumsnet in the same way.

Everything just seems so empty and pointless and flat and I just don't know what to do.

AIBU to feel this way?

People have suggested fostering etc but have you investigated options for having your own DCs? I'm not saying the lack of them is necessarily your issue and many people have very fulfilled lives after accepting that parenthood is not an option - but there are lots of treatments these days?

I started IVF but had no eggs, so ended up having donor eggs and was lucky to have twins first try. A close friend had been trying for 15 years and by then accepted it wasn't to be - but she said later she wished the same options had been available to her.

Sorry - I'm sure you and your DH have discussed all the possibilities , but just thought I'd post some hope (if that was what you want). We were also looking at adoption but that is quite scary and many children have complex needs, which we weren't sure we'd be skilled enough to handle. (In hindsight that applies to all parenting, but hey ho).

If not that - I have no advice to offer, but wish you lots of luck in finding your raison d'etre! I do sometimes wonder what will be mine when the kids leave home - perhaps we all feel like that at various points in our lives? Good luck!

My friend has PCOS and tried for 8 years to have children and finally achieved them firstly with IVF and secondly against all odds falling naturally.

Another friend had egg donation in Spain by ICSI, which worked first time.

There are some possibilities OP.

Not saying by any means that you have to have children to have purpose in your life. I was furloughed during lockdown and found a lot of purpose in voluntary work. I also find purpose in travelling and seeing the world.

What about volunteering to help in an area involving children? Child defenders or childrens court always need volunteers ( once restrictions lift).

My Aunt and Uncle went through the same thing at a similar age, and for the same reasons.

My Aunt describes it as kissing goodbye to the life they thought they would have and learning to love the life they were actually living. She said it took a couple of years but their 40's they had embraced the freedom that not having children gave them. They travelled, like you they had ticked off their dream places, but they went off the beaten track to find something new.

You are going through a watershed time in your life and it will take a while to get used to how it is instead of how you want it to be, but you will get there.

I would recommend you look into counselling to help you into the next stage. Take care

You can absolutely have IVF if you have PCOS.

I had my second IVF baby at 38

Your still actually really young.

Hi OP,

Your original post reads like 'I have everything so why can't I be happy' but whilst it sounds like you have a lot of the things that most people aim for (the house, the husband, the job etc.) you've identified that you lack a sense of purpose/fulfilment; that you're grieving for your Dad (and that his loss was sudden and traumatic) and that you're also mourning the loss of dreams of a family.

It sounds like you need to look at ways to make like full and purposeful; to consider counselling or talking through your loss and to give yourself a break- you have a lot but you've also been through a lot.

• make life

If I didn’t have children I’d channel a lot of time into voluntary, charitable work. I don’t think you need children to get the joy and satisfaction from helping others. Voluntary work (try a few things to find something for you) makes us feel needed and gives us a purpose in life that otherwise wouldn’t be there. Holidays, working and homemaking are there to slot in around something more purposeful in my opinion - in themselves they don’t make us very happy.

When I read your post my first thought was that you need to help others. Find some kind of cause close to your heart, whether people/ children/ poverty/ medical/ animals/ climate - whatever speaks to you. There’s so much you can do to make your life count in this world. Your post is all very you and what you possess and have achieved - and this is not a criticism because we all dream of achieving our goals and being comfortable. It’s more that I think if you shift the focus outside of yourself and onto something you care about, you will probably start to get clarity and fulfilment.
If you can spare any time, I’d do some kind of volunteering/ supporting a charity/ fostering and see where it leads you.

From reading your post i almost feel like you're slightly depressed.You might not be but it's something to consider. There's still time for children like a PP mentioned, who give you a purpose and will love you endlessly. A little easier is a dog/other pet. They give you a purpose and help fill your time. My dog is honestly my best friend.

What about an Open University course? You can start with an access course if you're not sure what you might want to do.

www.open.ac.uk/courses/do-it/access

October is one of the standard starting times for OU courses (the other is February) so now would be a perfect time, especially with covid limiting a lot of other stuff.

I also thought that it's less about your life and that you sound depressed. I think it's a good idea to look into therapy.

You do sound a bit depressed OP. Depression can manifest in lots of different ways, some people feel 'flat.' Anhedonia can be a symptom- that you're not getting the same pleasure that you did from your activities.

A lot of people find difficulties TTC very emotionally hard. Combined with losing your dad it's bound to have effected you. So sorry for your loss.

Loads of people with PCOS have fertility treatment. I could be wrong but I'd say it's probably one of the most common reasons. Please look into it now if pregnancy is something you want. What has stopped you asking about it in the past?

I would see your GP and tell them how you're feeling- you could ask about fertility treatment at the same time. Best wishes. xxx

I also think you sound depressed. I've had serious depression myself many years ago and I cured it by completely reinventing my life, leaving my job and moving to another country. Also anti-depressants and lots of counselling! I haven't been remotely depressed since, I'm in my 50s now and happier than ever. So if I was you I would have one last go at fertility treatment, as you might get lucky, you certainly still have options at your age. I'd also talk to your doctor about possible depression, and arrange counselling for yourself. Finally, as others have said, what do you like to do? You're only 35, you certainly haven't been everywhere and done everything yet, so find something you love and do more of that. Or just try something different, out of your comfort zone. One day, I promise, you will turn this around and start finding the joy in life again.

Loads of people with PCOS have fertility treatment. I could be wrong but I'd say it's probably one of the most common reasons. Please look into it now if pregnancy is something you want. What has stopped you asking about it in the past?

The OP says I. Her second post that she has had treatments which has failed.

Hi OP,
You describe your life as materially comfortable but that money in itself isn't a huge motivator for you.
You could find a cause close to your heart and support it - without necessarily turning your life upside down - but put a bit of that cash and motivation to earn it to a good cause.

For example I saw a very moving advert for I think it's called "operation smile" on the tele. They raise money to take operations to children with malformed lips and cleft pallet to areas without that healthcare. It said the doctors usually volunteer for a stint abroad so the money is for other costs so each op is quite reasonable but transforms a child's life. I am in no way affiliated with this charity and if you are interested you should do your own due diligence - I simply saw an ad and thought it was very moving.

Find something that floats your boat/excites you and get involved. Say for example you chose the charity above and an op was £60 you could aim to support one op a month and change a childs life every month! Equally you could do the same sponsoring 1 night in a homeless shelter, or 1 phonecall for childline, silverline/age uk whatever works for you.

You could get involved hands on but be cautious if you don't feel you have the resilience to cope with other people's trauma and complex needs right now.

Are you an aunt or a godmother? If so would you like to get more involved with these children and offer them your time and support? Take them out for treats that maybe there parents don't have time for or can't afford?

I'm sorry you lost your dad. He would love it if you could find a route to a happier place. Did he have any causes/ charities close to his heart that you would like to support in his memory?

@BackforGood

Of course YANBU to feel how you feel.

However, perhaps a more helpful question might be "Can anyone suggest how I can change it?"

One thought is - do you want to re-train and do something work wise that fulfills you more ?
or
What about finding some voluntary work that inspires you or gives you a sense of purpose or fulfillment ?
There are so many different thousands of roles that can be incredibly fulfilling.

Such good advice. I always feel better when I’m helping other people (or animals!)

I felt like I completed life but I'd only completed that level. Have a completely different life and now extremely happy.

Sat in a field with my dog and knew there was nothing more....... There was. Good Luck!

I feel your pain exactly . Get a greenhouse and start growing things.

You sound depressed OP. It can happen to anyone, it's not your fault.
I have to say though that pp saying your life sounds " boring" and not "chancy" enough or whatever are irritating me!
It doesn't sound boring AT ALL to have as lovely home, to have travelled extensively, to have a real partner. I don't have any of those things really, life it just a constant scrabble up shale for a lot of people!
So I would start with really recognising what you actually have. Gratitude is important in tackling depression, and you have a lot to be grateful for.

OP, I went through something similar at 39 and for similar reasons. I look back and I was in early stage depression.

I ended up looking at Gateway Women and work by Jody Day for people experiencing involuntary childlessness. Day speaks eloquently about the need to grieve when faced with infertility and the importance of finding a new purpose and tribe to call your own. It helped me immensely. It also helped me identify why exactly I was feeling so low, something which allowed me to treat the underlying issues.

My story ended with the surprise baby (cliche I know) and though it was tough (PND) I did find that the awful existential angst I was feeling disappear.

I would advise you to get help and don't dismiss your own feelings. Please do not minimise what you are going through, it is very tough.

Gratitude doesn't work on serious depression. I tried and tried. Only numbness. No matter how beautiful the day. Antidepressants, diet, exercise, sleep, councilling and most importantly Change!

Ive suffered infertility for 3 years and it broke me last year if I didn't have to go to work I didn't get up out of bed just didn't see the point
Tried counciling and after six sessions she suggested anti depressants

It's been life changing can't believe I didn't try them sooner feel normal again worth a conversation with the doctor

Recent research indicates that fertility for PCOS women, while it is much lower in our 20s, is actually higher than that of non-PCOS women in our late 30s and early 40s.

I had extremely good results from a very mild course of ovulation-inducing meds, but not until I was in my mid-30s. Before then, it was heartbreak after heartbreak and I felt very purposeless as well. After the first baby, the second (and now third!) were actually happy happy accidents...if you'd told me at 27 I'd ever get accidentally pregnant I'd have said "you must be thinking of someone else."

PCOS makes later fertility more, not less, likely. When I was young and first diagnosed, they said "start a family before 25 or you'll never be able to" and I was absolutely crushed when I hit that milestone without a baby in sight.

You sound as if you have a certain amount of depression. There are so many things to try and do with life.