Bereavement drama queens

[nearlynermal]

Recently bereaved. In my experience, when you lose a loved one, there are a) the people who kind of don't say anything because they're not confident of saying the right thing, and that's fine b) the ones who ask 'What can I do?' in a quite insistent way that kind of puts pressure on you, c) the ones that are perfectly lovely and send a nice card or flowers or something d) the one or two who manage to say the exactly right thing... and then there's e) the one who really really wants you to fall apart so they can hold you while you sob and wail. And when you say 'thanks, actually I'm feeling fairly steady, touch wood,' they don't quite want to accept it? AIBU to want to tell them to stand the fuck down?

As someone that has recently lost their dad at a young age I didn’t really give a fuck what people did/said as long as they didn’t mind me weeping on their shoulder.

People react to grief and loss differently, and as someone who is grieving you will interpret reach person differently, because everything is bonkers.

As long as they’re not actively making you feel like shit, then I’d appreciate their efforts, as annoying as they are.

You forgot f) the one who posts all over social media about their loss despite being on the fringe of a short-term friendship group. Followed by g) those who respond with gushing 'so sorry for your loss' when even the actual relatives and close friends haven't posted anything because they're too busy reeling from the death of their family member/friend

Of course, I'm sure they are feeling sad, and don't want to dismiss their feelings but wtf you only knew hee through a fb group anyway for a year, some of us have known her since childhood and have a huge fucking hole in our lives

Ahhhh the grief vampires 🧛‍♀️

Speaking as someone who has been bereaved I find it offensive when people who did not now my son pretend to have known him for the sake of what ? And that has happened. One guy did an awful number on us and even tried to step forward at the funeral to carry my son's coffin and had to be stopped.
My son knew who he was but did not like him or know him as a friend, and my son's friends did not do or say anything in case they offended me so he duped me/my other children into thinking he was close.

I guess performative grief is a thing now, and some people find it a good excuse to draw attention to themselves (even if they don't realise that's what they're doing). I do get annoyed but outpourings of grief when some celeb dies and you think 'C'mon, no one cared that much about Bobby Ball' or whatever - I tend to avoid any 'I'm so sad X died' posts about famous people because it feels so insincere to me and I wouldn't insert myself into the family grief of someone I didn't feel I knew well.

I've encountered many a grief vampire.

They don't want you to feel ok, they want to be able to tell everyone how they supported you.

They want to fake a close relationship so they get attention for being bereaved themselves or for selflessly supporting someone recently bereaved.

Why the fuck anyone would either want to feel that shit, or want someone they care for to feel that shit I don't know.

They are awful people, I can spot them a mile off now.

Grief Thief ... loathe them

Bloody vultures. Come swooping in and make it all about themselves, how much they’re grieving, how devastated they are FUCK OFF.

Grief thief's, together with those that say absolutely the wrong thing, are the worst by far. They make an already awful situation 100 times worse. I've gone non contact with my father after he showed himself to be a grief thief when my DD died. I've no time for these selfish arseholes.

Hi OP

I think its difficult either way. The one that stuck out for me was the people insisting they wanted to help. On the flip side of that are lots of people saying they've experienced loss and people turn round and say they want to help but don't really mean it. So maybe they are actually just trying to tell you they really do want to be there for you and arent just saying it. I personally am really shit with words but show people I care with practical things but that is not going to help anyone who needs some emotional support. I'm not sure how to improve though

There isn't a rule book for people who are trying to support a grieving person so most people probably go with what they think they might appreciate, but obviously everyones different and grieves in different ways as well.

I don't think there is an easy answer in these situations. Though I would be really angry at public outpouring of grief for someone they didn't know or care about etc, I do think there is no excuse for that.

And I'm sorry if you're having a hard time and people seem to be making it worse

Or the one who post on social media “please leave us alone to grieve” when her ex DH died. She divorced him 23 years ago after she had an affair and couldn’t stand him. The reason she gave was that she was his next of kin even though he was married.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve, everyone does it differently. I think there are the ones who are trying to help, some get it right and some get it wrong. I think I'm lucky enough not to have encountered any of the vultures.

I've recently lost a family member. I'm kind of surprised myself with my reaction to the loss. I'm also the kind of person who only privately shows my emotions, so it's only really DH who's seen the true nature depth of my grief.

I remember being very sensitive when my dad was diagnosed terminal and wishing I could just be treated 'normally'. in reality these were friends just trying their best. the huge amount of letters sent to me by his friends felt harrowing and invasive but now 3 years on, the fact they bothered is an amazing source of comfort. how awful to expereince a grief thief op, lazily posting on fb or whatever, and at the risk of appearing like one of them, i am sorry for your loss.
imho your perception of things might change over time, like mine did re the letters. yes they are annoying and insensitive but as time passes this may/may not change, youre in the midst of it now, you might change due to the grieving process, I did for sure.

Lost a best friend at a young age, not one thing anyone said helped and never will, yes a shoulder to cry on, to talk to, to send a message is nice but there are zero words for young people. At 90 it's kind of natural although devastating

A neighbour passed away and the grief thief next door to him posted how sad she was about it, while the ambulance was removing the body.

The authorities hadn't even had the opportunity to notify his next of kin so his daughter found out her dad had died from the neighbours facebook update.

Grief thiefs are bottom feeders.

The authorities hadn't even had the opportunity to notify his next of kin so his daughter found out her dad had died from the neighbours facebook update.

that's appalling 🌺

I’ve learned some new terminology here! To be fair, I have nothing to complain about because no one around me is acting like a grief thief or a vampire. As so many of you say, there’s no rule book, and kindness is kindness. I think, like @Fatted, I’m just a private person.

@TeddyIsaHe, @Shefliesonherownwings, @Ugzbugz and all those who lost loved ones before their time: I’m so sorry.

@Anordinarymum, the guy trying to shoulder in as a pallbearer for your son makes me incredibly angry for you.

I’m also pretty old-fashioned about social media, so I don’t find FB a helpful place, e.g. when people post ‘RIP’ which feels a bit crass and lazy to me (but, again, in some cases FB can be a proper outpouring of love, so that's just me). I feel for the people whose loss gets ‘outed’ on FB by other people. @WindsorBlues that neighbour was a shocker.

the one who posted on social media “please leave us alone to grieve" when her ex DH died. She divorced him 23 years ago after she had an affair and couldn’t stand him. - @deste that would make me very cross as a loved one, but did make me smile. Tells you quite a lot about her...

I don't understand why people do it, anymore than i understand anyone going to pieces when someone they've never met dies, such as a celebrity.
What's wrong with just saying something like 'i'm sorry to hear about your mum/dad/sister, if there is anything you need please let me know' and leaving it at that.
Don't even get me started on road side shrines and 'angles'.

One of my mums closest friends showed her true colours when she died and it was awful. You suddenly realise how little this person has actually contributed and how much they have taken.

There are some awful stories on here. Why do people do this?

My cousin’s dd posted on her fb page how upset she was when my dad died (must have done it within minutes of being told). I was furious, we hadn’t even been able to tell the whole family yet (she did take it down when asked).

Others turned up at the house, wailing, I think they were hoping to see him, thankfully the policeman wouldn’t let anyone in the house and closed the curtains. I feel really angry and upset thinking about it now.

I have nothing to do with any of them anymore. It was nothing to do with supporting me or my mum, it was all about them.

@Pbbananabagel yeah, in my experience the really good friends are the ones that do the small, kind, low profile things that nobody knows about, well before the loved one has died. And then sometimes quite long after, when you're supposed to be coping and maybe aren't.

I had a old friends dh die a few years back. Unless it's a very close friend the correct thing seems to be sorry for your loss, offer help, send flowers and stand back.

It was the first death of a young partner and tbh I didnt know what to do. I was upset too was told on here despite being a friend never to mention that. So I didnt. I wrote him a letter to say goodbye and threw it in the bin.

It's a minefield and unless the grieved person knows me extremely well I would polite and stay away going forward

AyrCorona1 I agree with that. When my mum died my dads sister hadn’t seen her for years. That night she put a post on fb saying “It’s been a day of two halves, my darling sister in law died BUT WE GOT A NEW PUPPY!!” with photos of the puppy. All the posts were gushing over the ugly thing and followed up with “sorry for your loss”.

At the funeral she was weeping and wailing but didn’t even speak to us or come to the wake. I’ve never spoken to her since. Cow.

Perhaps there needs, sadly, to be another category - the recently bereaved who are terribly judgemental?

Personally I was just grateful that people bothered. I didn’t start splitting hairs over whether they offered condolences or support in the right way. They just did what they could.