Bereavement drama queens

[nearlynermal]

Recently bereaved. In my experience, when you lose a loved one, there are a) the people who kind of don't say anything because they're not confident of saying the right thing, and that's fine b) the ones who ask 'What can I do?' in a quite insistent way that kind of puts pressure on you, c) the ones that are perfectly lovely and send a nice card or flowers or something d) the one or two who manage to say the exactly right thing... and then there's e) the one who really really wants you to fall apart so they can hold you while you sob and wail. And when you say 'thanks, actually I'm feeling fairly steady, touch wood,' they don't quite want to accept it? AIBU to want to tell them to stand the fuck down?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
What I found hardest was those who never acknowledged my bereavement. One of whom, was someone I thought of as a close friend. Saying nothing at all is, IMO, similar to those who cross the road to avoid a bereaved person. It hurts.
I will always give my condolences, either in person, or if that is not possible, send a letter or a card.

Am also in the recently bereaved boat - well, end of April but recent enough to me.

I've become oddly dissociative about it all tbh. Lockdown actually made it a bit easier - I just put out a comprehensive post on FB explaining everything and also that I was dealing with everything by retreating a bit. 150 odd supportive comments popped up. I thanked everyone and popped off again.

Hardest thing to deal with was the fact that as Mum succumbed to terminal cancer, there was from some people a sort of expectation that I had already grieved "enough" and now that she is gone I can "get on with" living. I nursed her in my home for the last month, and actually the practical side meant I wasn't grieving - she was still there and she was my focus. It was an intense and emotional time.

I've lost close family members before, but not quite so "up close and personal" if you know what I mean.....

If people have been at all awkward my brain has just gone "Oh, they mean well...." and then I tune it out. If I have offended anyone while I've dealt with my loss, well, it wasn't intentional, it was just that, you know, after 51 years one of my strongest foundations has gone and I realise how much I took her for granted - it's fine for people to say focus on the lovely memories, but that's hard because sometimes we had huge difficulties in our relationship and it's hard to control the sudden appearance of the bad memory. Processing is required.

Also I have found that as soon as one shows a slight loss of control, people panic. I'm sure they mean to be helpful as they try to take over, and suggest how to regain that control because it's uncomfortable for them to witness, but I've ended up feeling like a pressure cooker..... the valve lets a little bit of steam escape and someone rushes to try and turn the heat down..... maybe I need to boil over, just for a bit......

Anyway, sorry for the hijack and ramble, I think what I was trying to say is that I understand all of the perspectives put forward here and have experienced some, and it's always going to be complicated to some degree because humans are complicated. I don't understand the grief vultures, but obviously something is lacking in their lives to such a degree they may need to appropriate other people's stuff to make them feel validated .... or some such psychobabble. No real idea. I smile and nod, smile and nod..... and then distance myself. I'm on my own time with it all and if it offends others, so what.

Oops, rambled again..... much love to all is all I guess.

Or my experience was people telling me about their past bereavement experiences and requiring me to console them about their past griefs, when I was still reeling from my own bereavement a few days previously.
My bereavement today is not an opportunity for you to demand I sympathise with you for your bereavement decades ago. Now is not the time to expect me to be your emotional support.

I’ve lost both my parents recently and I preferred people to say something, however awkward, rather than not mention anything. Previously I might have done the latter- worried I’d say the wrong thing- but now I would pluck up the courage to offer my condolences. I can honestly say I didn’t analyse what people said to me afterwards or take offence at any bungled efforts. Can’t say I personally encountered any grief vampires although I have seen them on FB.

My partner lost his brother to suicide a couple of years ago and we lost a friend ti 'mis-adventure' during lockdown. Grieving is an incredibly personal thing and I don't think anyone knows how they will cope with it until it happens, and even then it's different each time owing to the relationship.

I think everyone gets a 'pass go' in times like that...but only one. Only once will I wave something away as "oh they're just upset, they didn't mean to be rude/overbearing/completely insensitive". After that I have zero patience.

I'm a very private person and people who go on and on and on, especially on social media about losses make me want to hit them with a sizeable brick. At the very least it's undignified and at its worst it's downright disrespectful.

Very much enjoying grief vampire as a term. I also know energy vampires. And joy vampires.

When my Sister died, what brought comfort to my Mum were the personalised cards, where they had written a memory about Dsis and the people who still want to talk about her.

Also, if you are ever asked to comment to the press about a deceased person- please don't- let the close family if they choose. It can be incredibly hurtful, even if unintentional.

I’ve lost both my parents recently and I preferred people to say something, however awkward, rather than not mention anything.

I'm very sorry for your loss. That must be really difficult.
I 100% agree. There no 'right words' as such, imo, but I will always say simply 'I'm sorry to hear about...'

If I haven't seen the person until they return to work, for example, I will wait for a quiet moment to approach them at their desk to sympathise. I know, from my own experience returning to work, after a bereavement, it did cause tears to spring to my eyes, when people sympathised, but I so appreciated every last one of my colleagues for doing so.

The only time I've been legit sad about a famous person dying is when they're in a band I like (eg Andy Parle from Space, Pete Shelley from the Buzzcocks) or, in the case of Robin Williams, because I was in a REALLY bad place mentally at the time.

I really can't be arsed with people who suddenly act like they totally cared about a dead person, when they never gave a shit when said person was alive.

@MrMeeseekscando

Fucking grief tourists. I hated them when I lost my partner. Parasites.

Same. They are the absolute worst.

You never know when grief can strike, for example Christmas, a birthday or an anniversary of some kind. Or something triggers it, for example for my mum it's a particular musician whom my dad liked.

I agree about grief tourism being awful.

@echt

Perhaps there needs, sadly, to be another category - the recently bereaved who are terribly judgemental?

Give your head a wobble. The bereaved have enough to be dealing with, without the accommodating of others, where they have to be the bigger person, make allowances for the clueless.

Utterly heartless post.

You have totally misunderstood what I was saying. I was referring to the wider circle of behaviours which arent helpful, amongst everyone who has been affected, but are understandable. And importantly, by bereaved, I was referring to the wider group of people affected by loss. I think kindness and gentleness are more helpful than anger all round here.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet - I'm truly sorry. Likewise, OP.

It's hard for people to know how to say the right thing. 'Death Vampires' are what I imagine to be the modern-day equivalent of those people who'd see a funeral possession for a complete stranger and join it as a voyeur. That is VERY weird, as is the newer practice of the 'Instagram' funeral.

In most circumstances the normal platitudes are fine: what else is there to say in any case? There are some people for whom you just can't say the right thing, and some people who are so unempathetic they're not even capable of saying the right thing. As for intrusive questioning about how someone died, words fail me.

IME as a bereaved person the worst thing is people crossing the street because they don't know what to say. My friend whose 4-month old baby tragically died had real problems with this. But it's also at these times you learn who is really there for you and who isn't. For me, those who were there for me when my DM died reaped the benefits of the happy times later; those who made a painful time even more difficult time even more painful didn't. The one who really springs to mind is my DH's sister, who turned up 2 days after the funeral, demanding his time and attention as hers by right and crying over his shoulder for two days' straight because her partner had left her. She also cried on the phone to her mother, saying 'oh what would I doooooo without my mum to talk to?'

Mine was barely cold. For me, this qualifies as unforgivable.

A member of a small club I belong to died suddenly and very unexpectedly recently. Quite a few people posted on the Facebook group about their memories of them and shared photos but one woman, who only joined very recently and had had almost no dealings with him wrote post after post about how upset she was and then penned a sickening poem about her loss and how they’d meet again in heaven. It was utterly bizarre. As one person commented, if he hadn’t been gay they’d have thought she’d been having a secret affair with him.

I am sorry for the losses of so many people here.

I think it must always be remembered that everyone is different. For example, while I would not wish for people to cross the road to avoid me, I WOULD rather that people said nothing at all than said the wrong thing; and in particular, I very much prefer that people say nothing at all UNLESS they actually knew my relative who had died. I would find it particularly upsetting if colleagues, who were not close friends, came up to me in the workplace to express sympathy; and was able to keep my mother's death, and much earlier my father's, confidential at work except from those who really needed to know.

I know that I am unusual in my strong need for privacy on such occasions. I am not that antisocial in general, but find it upsetting if deeply personal painful experiences are made 'social'. Obviously, many other people feel differently; and it is hard for people to know what is the right thing to do for a bereaved person, because the 'right thing' will differ from person to person.

You have totally misunderstood what I was saying. I was referring to the wider circle of behaviours which arent helpful, amongst everyone who has been affected, but are understandable. And importantly, by bereaved, I was referring to the wider group of people affected by loss. I think kindness and gentleness are more helpful than anger all round here

So why didn't 't you say that?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

You see people on here say this to bereaved parents or parents whose children are seriously ill and it's downright cruel and spiteful, there is nothing compassionate about it at all.

It makes me so angry when people say it on here.

It is bloody cruel. "You can't hug your child, never mind though, I'll give mine an extra little squeeze instead." On what planet is that supposed to be comforting to someone who's child has died? What response do they expect when they say it? Its mind boggling.

I'd be banned from MN if I responded with what I think of them when they say it.

My real grief from 9 months ago hasn't hit yet, I can feel it building up though. Really building.

People forget very quickly and move onto the next juicy bit of grief or gossip and you become yesterdays chip paper. Your grief doesn't though. Then you become the drama queen. Its shit.

The greatest people were the ones that did something quiet for no fanfare-

-The scented candle left on my doorstep by my best friend.
-the hamper of really nice treats by my other best friend as she knew I wasn't eating and didn't feel like eating but wanted to tempt me
-the little wa reminders that friends were thinking of me
-the flowers from my ds best friends mum on the day of the funeral and then again on the day of the memorial along with the shepherds pie on the actual day.

• the letters from old colleagues/friends, that came not immediately but long after, quite often you get so much immediately and it can be overwhelming and then you get nothing, like its all done and dusted and forgotten within 28 days.

then the person that has no filter and dismissed my grief and made it all about their relationship.

echt

But I did say that. And I chose my words carefully. Judgemental in its negative means reaching a conclusion without fair understanding. I can’t understand why noting that this also prevalent amidst the hard process of trying to help others with bereavement is ‘heartless’ to anyone as it’s a basic observation of fact and not a criticism. Anyway, this is a good and important discussion of a really sensitive subject so let’s not derail it. As many other posters have said, most people act with good intent but every situation and every bereaved person is different. The fact that many people posting on here have very different needs and experiences of their own bereavement shows how unhelpful it is to generalise or indeed, judge.

@Wherrsmaclickypen: fair do’s: I have to say I do feel a bit shamefaced, because compared with some of the stories on here I have ZERO to complain about. Kindness is kindness.

Oh God, @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult - what utter hell you’ve been through. I’m so sorry.

@minnieok thank you for your perspective. As an aside, I also find that my friends kind of ‘specialise’ in different life events. There’s the one you can tell about your new boyfriend, the one you can rant to about work and then one or two who you know you can go to when you’re incredibly fragile and they’re just going to have the lightest touch and not bruise you.

@OldQueen1969 I'd have thought you'd barely had time to start grieving properly, having to be strong for your mother. I hope you've got enough time and space to focus on yourself now. (I nursed a loved one and was all super efficient throughout and a few weeks later had to call a friend in absolute hiccuping sobs because I couldn’t connect up my TV.)

@BeachLane I’m in just love with this: a colleague, who is very blunt, awkward and tactless, came up to me and said "Sorry in advance if I say anything stupid. I'm rubbish at this kind of thing, but I expect you're sad. Here's a cup of tea and a biscuit."

A few years ago one of my aunts died. We knew she was very ill and we then knew she likely had a few days to live. In the midst of my grief I had to deal with a friends judgemental reaction to the fact that I didn’t visit in her last few days to say goodbye or see my uncle afterwards until the funeral.

Uncle had spoken to my parents and asked we not visit.

Thing is, a friend could be closer than family to the deceased. Someone you think barely knew them might have had more meaningful contact.

@nearlynermal Thank you for your understanding, and likewise.

Unfortunately time to myself is having to be on hold as I have to re-open my shop on Wednesday. Yesterday I had a moment when a visiting friend asked me a fairly straightforward question and the answer turned into a convoluted ramble about my Mum..... yes, part of me is invested in our new look and ethos, lots of plans are being made etc, but the knowledge that my Mum won't turn up for a cup of tea and a natter about it suddenly really hit me hard. I had to hang on to the thought that she wanted me to succeed very hard until I stopped leaking and wittering...... as she would say - it is what it is, but by God, my inner child is in a right state......

My thoughts are with everybody going through this at any stage - it really isn't a neat linear process...... there's no App for this (apologies, gallows humour is my best defence).

nearlynermal I think this is a really important discussion, there are some shocking stories that definitely highlight the many different responses to grief, but they do not negate your own loss and feelings. Hopefully this thread will have helped some of us think even more carefully about our responses when we have a friend in need.
This subject is close to my heart right now, so thank you for posting.

This is what I ask myself: Are you in this for you, me or the person who died?

So often their "How are you?" turns into me listening to their problems.

But then there's the many friends and family who stood with me and gave real practical support.
For him, his brothers who carried his coffin in tears.

Please understand that we're all just getting on as best as we can.

Thank you to those who answered. I'll leave it for a while and then text again.

I'm sorry to all of you who have lost someone, I'm am disgusted that anyone would say they will be hugging their DC tighter. That's so incredibly insensitive.