Bereavement drama queens

[nearlynermal]

Recently bereaved. In my experience, when you lose a loved one, there are a) the people who kind of don't say anything because they're not confident of saying the right thing, and that's fine b) the ones who ask 'What can I do?' in a quite insistent way that kind of puts pressure on you, c) the ones that are perfectly lovely and send a nice card or flowers or something d) the one or two who manage to say the exactly right thing... and then there's e) the one who really really wants you to fall apart so they can hold you while you sob and wail. And when you say 'thanks, actually I'm feeling fairly steady, touch wood,' they don't quite want to accept it? AIBU to want to tell them to stand the fuck down?

@Wherrsmaclickypen

Perhaps there needs, sadly, to be another category - the recently bereaved who are terribly judgemental?

My thoughts exactly.

My aunt (my mums sister so not even dads blood relation) made such a spectacle at my dads funeral that my mum, siblings and I were distracted during the funeral service by her sobbing behind us

That is rubbish, but tbh I'm awful at funerals - because I'm horribly overempathetic and the grief of others makes me feel so sorry for them. I reign in in but I could definitely cry. At my uncle's funeral, I wasn't close to him really but his granddaughter was next to me, just a child and struggling so hard and I felt for her so much I could have sobbed. Just hugged her as her mum was obviously also having a terrible time.

At my mum's funeral, playing 'main character' at the funeral was a weirdly out of body experience. Until my sister started crying; and then I pretty much lost the plot.

Grief and death are so strange, there is simply no 'right way' to do it.

The ones who make it a competition and all about them are the worst. Maybe they are just trying to relate but I don't need to hear about all the people they have lost when I am going through it.

I don't think they are all malicious about it though, some are genuinely just misplaced. Last year my DH's pal died suddenly. Though it was quite a shock neither of us were so devastated to be overcome with grief. I casually mentioned it to a pal of mine when explaining I couldn't meet her for coffee as I was going to the funeral and gave her some brief details as I thought she may have known him. She didn't but she kept following up the conversation with text messages of support asking if there was anything she could do, thinking of me, hope it all went well. It felt smothering and unnecessary. I know she meant well but she completely misread the situation. It weirded me out!

I think it’s difficult. I think the weeping and wailing can be OTT, but in many cases the grief isn’t just the grief of the person who was closest.

Someone I know lost his wife a few years ago to a terminal illness.

A lot of people were expecting it, friends, very close family, and he put it on facebook before he’d even driven to his children’s school to collect them. So many of her family found out from facebook before her parents had time to tell her.

People could say that it was his grief to deal with as he saw fit, but the fact is, it wasn’t just his grief.

I will definitely judge someone who arrives at a house to see if they can catch a glimpse of a dead body and wail on the shoulder of someone whose dad died very suddenly and very unexpectedly that ‘they’ are devastated and don’t know what to do.

Turning up at a funeral and trying to get involved in carrying the coffin of someone you don’t know that well to make yourself appear closer

Yes it can be difficult to know how someone wants to be treated when a loved one has died but the above are clear examples of what not to do. There were no kind words or offers of support, there was no just being there. It was purely all about them. This is what is being judged.

Someone I wprk with managed to wangle 4 weeks bereavement paid leave when her sisters ex husband died.
Her sister and ex divorced 30 years previously and they had no children.

After dh died, the vast majority of people either a) were friendly but didn't mention it, (fine by me)
b) Said they were really sorry (fine)
c) one blanked me (not great, but she was a bit of a dick anyway

My dad died a few months ago and I've been surprised at how many people have stopped me to ask "how us your mum", which is kind of them, but noone seems to acknowledge that I lost my dad, and I'm grieving too.

My (now ex) partner, when I was still staying with my mum (during lockdown and when dad died), whenever I had a moan about mum (and who wouldn't want a moan now and then, living with their mother for seven weeks in trying circumstances?) would say "don't forget, she's grieving", yes mate, SO AM I!

Perhaps there needs, sadly, to be another category - the recently bereaved who are terribly judgemental?

I do judge.

I judge the people who, after the deaths of my children, came to seek support from me, to the point where I apologised for their loss.

I judge the people who posted shit on social media, even though they barely knew me or my children to gain sympathy from people, while offering none to me.

I judge the people who avoid me because my loss was too much for them.

I judge the people who tell me that they would kill themselves if their child died, they have no idea what they would do.

I judge the people who tell me that they will hug their child a bit tighter because mine died.

I judge the people who compared the loss of my young children to the loss of their pet, one of which stated that they had their pet for 15 years so their loss, was, in fact, worse.

I judge the woman who told me that I should have been grateful to even have had a child for a short time, because she couldn't have any kids so her pain was greater.

I judge my own mother who told me "it's alright for you, you're getting attention, what about me".

I judge my ex colleague who decided to give her child my daughters name as their middle name because she was so upset. She never met my daughter. She played it up on social media though.

I judge the 'friend' who had a go at me because I didn't pay her enough attention at my childs funeral.

I judge the people who think I should be over it by now because they are uncomfortable with my grief.

I judge the people who say that one of my children's deaths wasn't in vain because I donated their organs, then encourage me to find the people who have them (always wanting to be involved in the process of course)

There are so, so, so many more incidents of people making my loss about them.

What's wrong with just acknowledging that things are shit and asking what that person needs? What's wrong with quietly supporting the bereaved person, then seeking support from the people who love you?

It's a really shit place to be in anyway without people seeking validation and emotional support from those closest to the person who died.

Absolutely agree! When my first child was stillborn I had a few individuals on the periphery who Id heard we’re always asking about me to others, sent cards and nice texts. When I had my 2nd child and all was well, no card, no text, nothing. My theory is some people find others easier to like when they are suffering. There are also those who want to be part of the drama of your grief - I had one acquaintance (during the initial few weeks when I could barely even speak to my nearest and dearest), tell friends they had spoken to me and continued to let them all know how I wasn’t coping well etc!

This reminds me of when Caroline Flack died and various celebrities were revealing personal texts she sent them on social media to 'prove' how close they were like some sort of competition.

Perhaps there needs, sadly, to be another category - the recently bereaved who are terribly judgemental?

Give your head a wobble. The bereaved have enough to be dealing with, without the accommodating of others, where they have to be the bigger person, make allowances for the clueless.

Utterly heartless post.

Top post, Difficult.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Perhaps there needs, sadly, to be another category - the recently bereaved who are terribly judgemental?

I do judge.

I judge the people who, after the deaths of my children, came to seek support from me, to the point where I apologised for their loss.

I judge the people who posted shit on social media, even though they barely knew me or my children to gain sympathy from people, while offering none to me.

I judge the people who avoid me because my loss was too much for them.

I judge the people who tell me that they would kill themselves if their child died, they have no idea what they would do.

I judge the people who tell me that they will hug their child a bit tighter because mine died.

I judge the people who compared the loss of my young children to the loss of their pet, one of which stated that they had their pet for 15 years so their loss, was, in fact, worse.

I judge the woman who told me that I should have been grateful to even have had a child for a short time, because she couldn't have any kids so her pain was greater.

I judge my own mother who told me "it's alright for you, you're getting attention, what about me".

I judge my ex colleague who decided to give her child my daughters name as their middle name because she was so upset. She never met my daughter. She played it up on social media though.

I judge the 'friend' who had a go at me because I didn't pay her enough attention at my childs funeral.

I judge the people who think I should be over it by now because they are uncomfortable with my grief.

I judge the people who say that one of my children's deaths wasn't in vain because I donated their organs, then encourage me to find the people who have them (always wanting to be involved in the process of course)

There are so, so, so many more incidents of people making my loss about them.

What's wrong with just acknowledging that things are shit and asking what that person needs? What's wrong with quietly supporting the bereaved person, then seeking support from the people who love you?

It's a really shit place to be in anyway without people seeking validation and emotional support from those closest to the person who died.

Jesus. Judge away. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that on top of such losses.

There are many irritating people who think if you're not doing it their way you're doing it wrong, not just in bereavement situations but more generally too. My OH died earlier in the year, I was told that I 'needed bereavement counselling', when I said that I didn't think I did I was then told that that was a sign that I needed the 'counselling'! Catch 22.

As hard as it is, I always try and give condolences rather than avoid the situation.

@Kolsch

I don't understand why people do it, anymore than i understand anyone going to pieces when someone they've never met dies, such as a celebrity. What's wrong with just saying something like 'i'm sorry to hear about your mum/dad/sister, if there is anything you need please let me know' and leaving it at that. Don't even get me started on road side shrines and 'angles'.

I couldn’t agree more.

I think most of your categories while sort of accurate, miss the fact that for some people each response is taken differently. eg I hated the ones who don't say anything because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I found it sooo upsetting. But clearly for you, those ones didn't bother you.

But it is true that there's a certain type of person who is a grief vampire. This can play out via social media, the pushiness you're referring to etc. I had a friend who I know meant well but she was HOUNDING my while my mother was on her deathbed wanting to know every little thing. I was sending shorter and shorter responses but she'd come back every time with a new question until eventually I just stopped responding. I honestly don't think she meant to be so insensitive but god, it was exhausting.

Totally get where you're coming from @nearlynermal
I had what I thought was a very good friend behave very selfishly on a couple of occasions when my husband was terminally ill.
Couldn't quite grasp why I wouldn't leave my 2 young children at home with my almost bed bound and prone to bouts of confusion due to meds and go out with her.
She also insisted on coming with us to our close friends funeral, when my husband broke down (he said the next funeral he'd go to would be his own) and I took him home, she had a hissy fit when I said I wouldn't be returning as she didn't know anyone else.
Yet when he died her grief was far worse than anyone elses, and also spent months trying to make me "give into my grief " so she could be "the one" to support me.
I've recently lost a much loved pet, and had to endure her on the phone alternately crying and screaming to get a 2nd opinion.
I cannot handle her grief as well as mine.
Then constant calls at inconvenient times, but wouldn't let me call her when I had time because she was too busy.
Even when I told her I was on my way for a minor OP and I'd ring her later, I came round from the anaesthetic to find 18 missed calls from her.
I've text and watsapped her from time to time, but that's not good enough, she wants to speak to me.
In the end I had to block her.

Excellent post Difficult.

Regarding this line:

I judge the people who tell me that they will hug their child a bit tighter because mine died.

You see people on here say this to bereaved parents or parents whose children are seriously ill and it's downright cruel and spiteful, there is nothing compassionate about it at all.

Similarly those who inform you they have been or are crying for you, how is that supposed to comfort the bereaved, it's not, it's the person saying it wanting to make it all about them and expecting the bereaved to comfort them and take on board their fake distress.

People who do the above are abhorrent attention seeking drama llamas.

Hope this is okay to ask here.

A colleague who I really like's DH died tragically at the weekend, leaving her widowed with two DCs. One a newborn.

I sent a text saying how sorry I was etc, is there anything else I can do? I'd be horrified to be thought to be intruding or anything but she's the most lovely person. She has lots of family support so isn't on her own.

Anyone help me on if there's anything I can/should do please?

One thing Mumsnet has taught me over the years is that there is literally nothing you can say to, or do for a recently bereaved person that is guaranteed to be the right thing. I never used to understand why people would avoid the recently bereaved but I totally get it now.

When my partner died, I didn't really care what people did, as long as they were there. I just wanted people to see my grief; when people were there and could see my pain, it felt like it was shared a little. It was the most all encompasing distress I have ever felt, at the start I would literally collapse from it. I had mental health issues at the time anyway. Sometimes I just couldn't stop screaming.

It had been a controling relationship, so I quite literally didn't know what to do and nor could anyone help me. But having people there, to pick me back up off the floor and to hold me as I screamed and it felt like I was about to disappear, that helped.

I couldn't tell you what anyone said to me, or even if they had offered help. I know that everyone who spoke to me was cried upon whether they had planned to be or not. In all honesty, I took what I needed from them and ignored what they had offered.

Grief is a strange and awful thing. I think it's best to just not consider how it plays out.

That said, I was a bit at the friend who put on a film to occupy my children which had a death as the central plot line. But then, her horror when she realised what she'd accidentally done, was also the only thing I found funny in weeks, so even that had an upside.

You see people on here say this to bereaved parents or parents whose children are seriously ill and it's downright cruel and spiteful, there is nothing compassionate about it at all.

It makes me so angry when people say it on here.

It is bloody cruel. "You can't hug your child, never mind though, I'll give mine an extra little squeeze instead." On what planet is that supposed to be comforting to someone who's child has died? What response do they expect when they say it? Its mind boggling.