Packing my daughter’s bedroom away - don’t know what I need

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I have spent today sorting through daughter’s clothes. I had my oldest lad empty her drawers and wardrobe into black bags and put into the living room for me yesterday. As I can’t do it in her room.
I have spent hours pulling each item out, photographing it, send it to my best friend as I’m keeping what means the most, then putting the rest on a site to sell. My son’s I did a few weeks ago and sold bundles to people I know who had loved the outfits when he wore them.
I’ve had people asking if they can buy my daughter’s clothing etc but I can’t do it. I cannot cope with seeing girls walking around in her stuff. Some have got a bit peeves and said when I list them they could just buy them.

Anyway, I’m rambling as I actually don’t know why I’m posting as it can’t help. I really need to get a grip of myself but emotionally I feel like a jug of custard that has exploded everywhere and every surface is covered. That I’m losing control of myself and if I do that and give in to how heartbroken I feel right I’m scared I will never put it all back and function in life.

I set myself a goal that before I started back at work I would sort her room as I’m aware it’s not healthy for me and my kids are finding it hard. They need to shut it all away now and the room as it was is causing them to struggle and feel guilty that they are getting on with life.

So I set a goal that after the anniversary on 31st August of my 12yr old daughter passing away I would just sort her clothes. As I’ve not been able to touch them or look at them since it happened.
The memories and her smell and her oddness about clothes etc have had me sending pictures and little stories to my friend and also to her. I have her phone still and I’ve been sending them to her. How bloody stupid is that. She can’t see them or read them.
But I’ve put them into folded piles 9-10 10-11 11-12 and 12-13.
The 12-13 pile was very easy and I’ve offered to give them to my best friend for her girl. As she only got to wear one of the dresses. But the 9-10 and 10-11 was so hard as they brought back so many memories of our holidays abroad etc

I held it together whilst doing it as I didn’t want to burden my kids. I know they feel bad and guilty that they think it’s time I sorted something’s.

But right now I’m sat on my sofa with a couple of her fav items. I’m broken. I cannot stop crying as it hurts so bloody much and I miss her. I just want her back. Smell her hair and have to bribe for cuddles or touching as she was hypersensitive to touch as she was Autistic and had sensory overload
I want to hear one of her silly stories or answers to questions that are very wrong but actually very logical in thought.

I just don’t want to scream and shout and get angry because every single part of me hurts I miss her so much.

Sorry if it’s in the wrong place and irrelevant. I just needed to get out how I feel in the hope it will get easier.

I just want my girl back so badly. On the 31st we went to see her and I struggled to leave. I just wish I could be sat with her and touching her.

Oh my lovely. I dont have any words of advice or anything. There are much wiser mumsnetters than me.

But heres a hand to hold and some
Do you want to talk about your darling girl?

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. She sounds lovely.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Life is so unfair. I could have written this Post a decade ago. It also still feels like yesterday. I lost my little boy just after his 7th birthday, and last week he should have turned 18.

The pain continues. But it changes. It used to have the power to pull the rug out from under me, but over the years and with much practice I now can mostly keep it under control. Missing our children, gone much too soon, never ends.

I coped and kept this from a bereaved parents newsletter as it spoke to me. But it took a very, very long time to get here.

“When your child dies, you ask, among other questions, what is left? What can be left after such a crushing blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or grandchildren, perhaps relatives or friends; they are all left.

Perhaps you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.

You read books on bereavement, scarcely remembering what you have read; talk with others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate, you have one or two good friends who, whilethey cannot fully understand, are there to love and listen. Perhapsthere is a therapist who guides you in your search for an answer.

But, for a long while everything you read or hear has little meaning and certainly cannot provide the answer to your question. Or can it? Does all that you have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the question of what is left?

For me it did. The answer was very long in coming, but how clear it came. I am left. That’s it. I am left and I have been left with the love of my child. It is a new love, it is different, more intense; and it is understanding. I love this love of my child. It warms and comforts me. It is a wonderful love. It is too precious to keep to myself. I am left with love to spare and love to share.

It will never run out. My child will always be with me to replenish it. I have found my answer. I am left to share my child’s love with you.”

I'm so sorry

I’m so sorry OP.

@Biscuitmonster2318 that sounds heart breaking.

I have no personal experience, but a friend of mine whose son had died age 3 some years previously sent me back the babygro I’d bought for him when I had my first boy. I was incredibly touched. (And also smiled at the impracticality of clothes I bought as presents for newborns before I knew anything about babies!).

She was amazing and the way she just got on with life. She made me a better person when I had her. I was blessed to have been given a daughter with different abilities as nothing held her back. We just worked through it together.

I miss her so much right now. It hurts more tonight then it did when it happened. I think every cell of my body hurts.

She was hard work, demanding, drive me crazy somedays, and was a worry over health from the day she was born but she also brought so much fun and love and laughter into our world.
She never complained and just accepted whatever happened.

Then in January my grandson passed away on the same ward with many of daughters nurses and doctors around during the week he was there. They were so good and they showed me the areas where they had put up my daughter’s artwork on the walls around the wards. As she used to draw and write instruction booklets for other children that might be scared going into hospital. To say it was ok. The art was my way of her understanding what was going to happen and for her to allow procedures without becoming violent. Her ward nurse had letters that she had written to her whenever she had a meltdown saying sorry and her heart was sad because she hurt someone else. Then she would cry but really heartfelt sobbing and cuddling whoever she had been mean to. As she hated that aspect of her abilities. They could never get cross or annoyed at the outburst as she was so visibly upset at what she had done. The nurse in charge of her still had some of them in her locker and her traffic light behaviour cards.

I just want her back so much as it hurts too much today. It’s like I’m burying her all over again. Getting rid of her things as if she didn’t matter and I feel guilty.
But the money from her clothes selling will be used to buy toys and things for the children’s ward where we were based

I have no words Biscuitmonster. Just hugs, love and a quite prayer for the strength you and your family need. Poppysia, what beautiful text to share. Am so sorry for your loss too. Life is so unfair and so scary

Oh my love that sounds so hard. Have you had people around you to take care of you, to comfort and cuddle you? I understand your goal. But be kind to yourself if you cannot yet part from your dd’s belongings, they are bringing memories of her and the love you felt for one another. A year is such a short time.

@Poppyisa thank you for that message. I have screenshot it so I can keep re-reading at a later date as the first paragraph had me in tears again.

I’m truly grateful and thankful for everyone replying. I didn’t expect that and the kindness as my post was rambling and nothing important. I appreciate everyone taking time to respond.

I’m reading everything and I apologise in advance if I don’t respond to each kind reply but I can’t properly formulate answers. But reading them is comforting. As I feel like i should be dealing with it better. I’m not normally like this.

Thank you and if can’t reply tonight I will ASAP.

@Mummyoflittledragon it was the anniversary on 31st August but she passed away 2017. Sorry I thought I put that.

Thats why I had to start sorting her room as my other children need it as it was becoming hard for them.
Her room was basically kept how it was the day we went to hospital

I am so very sorry, pain like this is like a physical weight to bear. She will always have your love, and you hers.
Practically - would you prefer to have a memory quilt made of her clothes rather than part with them?

Cross post. It took me so long to write my post. Your dd touched so many hearts. It sounds like she was a very special girl. ❤️

@RubaiyatOfAnyone I would love some blankets or teddies made from her treasured and special clothes.

But I don’t know who to go to as I’m terrified something might happen to them or get lost in post etc.
I would like to give a teddy and blanket to each of my children when they each have their first child. So she can look after them and be close to them, comforting and caring for her neices and nephews. As she would have loved to be an auntie.

Ah I see. Even so it must be incredibly hard. I can understand why it has been harder than ever today. You’re making space when you don’t want to. Pushing yourself to let go.

What you’re feeling is totally normal. Could you pick out the clothes they have the loveliest memories and keep them?

So so sorry for your terrible loss. Thinking of you

What you are doing is so brave; Thank you for sharing it with me.

and hugs to you.

Would you be able to get someone to make some lovely pillow or cushion covers out of some of the most special clothes, so you could have them around the house, snuggle up against them, hold them? You don't have to be so selfless and sell them all.

Sending you so much love. As another poster said it sounds as though your lovely girl really did make an impression and impact others lives. To hear you say she created those guides to help other children going through similar treatment is amazing and so very kind and brave. She obviously inherited those traits from you OP, because in the midst of having to sort through her clothes you are thinking of others, and so she lives on through you and her siblings who have been helping you and the nurse that keeps her letters and the children she reassured.

@mathanxiety I’m keeping some of her things that meant something to us... silly things she had done etc and I have her baby outfits.
I would like to get teddies and blankets made from them ones. I have had her prom dress cleaned and stored professionally at the place they did my wedding dress.

I’m selling them so I can ensure I’m not going to see anyone’s children I know where them. Except the older things. But I had only just bought her autumn/winter wardrobe a couple of weeks before so she hadn’t really worn them.

I will use the money from her clothes to buy things for the ward where she always got admitted. She would have done something like that herself.

One year she sold her toys and books in the front garden to people.
I thought she wanted to buy herself something new. But it wasn’t for her.
She bought gifts for the ‘streetless’children (Homeless) as she had seen the Christmas tree in the village with name tags where you could chose a child to give a gift to. She also drew a picture and put it inside each gift.
Her santa letter that year was for
All the streetless children to have gifts and not be scared.
A pink sparkly comb for her school bag so she can match her best friend

@Wishingwell75 that’s so kind of you to say.

As I’m not feeling very charitable and kind inside. Which is probably making me even more upset.
I am so angry and mad and want to scream and shout and break things. I want to be selfish and just sleep in her bed night after night. I don’t want to pack her things. I don’t want to have to do this.

But I do know rationally I have to do it for my other 3 childrens mental health and well-being

I have to think of them but I hate it. It hurts so much and I’m trying to hide it from them as I don’t want them to feel bad or guilty that I’m doing this only for them. If I could that room would never change.

So I don’t feel as kind as you have said

Hi op I am so sorry for your pain five and a half years down the line there is very little of my baby DDs that I’ve been able to give away. I tried but as you said it was like losing her all over again, and so instead I boxed them up and put Them in the attic.
The teddy bear idea sounds lovely. I wonder would there be anyone localism who could do it so you don’t have the worry about them getting lost.
My older DD (11) has become passionate in textiles And clothes design so I gave her the bag of clothes to use as fabric reasoning that she would have liked her sister to get joy from them.
Whatever you do I hope it brings you some peace.

Op I’m hearing that you don’t want to pack up her room and that you feel as if you need to for your other children. Have they expressed that need?

In the many moments of mum guilt torn between my living children and my dead child I used to reassure myself that what they are seeing is the height and the depths of my love for my children as a mother.

Perhaps in your enduring love and holding on for your beloved DD they too will get some validation that you love them so much you would do the same for them?