Packing my daughter’s bedroom away - don’t know what I need

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I have spent today sorting through daughter’s clothes. I had my oldest lad empty her drawers and wardrobe into black bags and put into the living room for me yesterday. As I can’t do it in her room.
I have spent hours pulling each item out, photographing it, send it to my best friend as I’m keeping what means the most, then putting the rest on a site to sell. My son’s I did a few weeks ago and sold bundles to people I know who had loved the outfits when he wore them.
I’ve had people asking if they can buy my daughter’s clothing etc but I can’t do it. I cannot cope with seeing girls walking around in her stuff. Some have got a bit peeves and said when I list them they could just buy them.

Anyway, I’m rambling as I actually don’t know why I’m posting as it can’t help. I really need to get a grip of myself but emotionally I feel like a jug of custard that has exploded everywhere and every surface is covered. That I’m losing control of myself and if I do that and give in to how heartbroken I feel right I’m scared I will never put it all back and function in life.

I set myself a goal that before I started back at work I would sort her room as I’m aware it’s not healthy for me and my kids are finding it hard. They need to shut it all away now and the room as it was is causing them to struggle and feel guilty that they are getting on with life.

So I set a goal that after the anniversary on 31st August of my 12yr old daughter passing away I would just sort her clothes. As I’ve not been able to touch them or look at them since it happened.
The memories and her smell and her oddness about clothes etc have had me sending pictures and little stories to my friend and also to her. I have her phone still and I’ve been sending them to her. How bloody stupid is that. She can’t see them or read them.
But I’ve put them into folded piles 9-10 10-11 11-12 and 12-13.
The 12-13 pile was very easy and I’ve offered to give them to my best friend for her girl. As she only got to wear one of the dresses. But the 9-10 and 10-11 was so hard as they brought back so many memories of our holidays abroad etc

I held it together whilst doing it as I didn’t want to burden my kids. I know they feel bad and guilty that they think it’s time I sorted something’s.

But right now I’m sat on my sofa with a couple of her fav items. I’m broken. I cannot stop crying as it hurts so bloody much and I miss her. I just want her back. Smell her hair and have to bribe for cuddles or touching as she was hypersensitive to touch as she was Autistic and had sensory overload
I want to hear one of her silly stories or answers to questions that are very wrong but actually very logical in thought.

I just don’t want to scream and shout and get angry because every single part of me hurts I miss her so much.

Sorry if it’s in the wrong place and irrelevant. I just needed to get out how I feel in the hope it will get easier.

I just want my girl back so badly. On the 31st we went to see her and I struggled to leave. I just wish I could be sat with her and touching her.

This is literally heart breaking and every day you must struggle just to keep breathing let alone having to pack up your lovely daughters things.

My friend lost her 5 year old son recently. I know she struggles to get out of bed every morning but I can say the only thing that helps is support. Reach out to people, tell people how you’re feeling, get it out or write it down. I strongly believe feelings need to be expressed otherwise they become toxic and stagnant inside.

Words can’t express how sorry I am for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers 🌹🌹🌹

Oh Op, this has just broken my heart. I'm so so sorry that this has happened. I have no other words right now, but please take care.

A year is nothing, just keep breathing, be kind to yourself.

Sending love to all who have been through this.
Very moved by all the posts.

You poor soul. You’ve gone to Hell and back and clearly still processing it. I’m so sorry - there’s no words.
I agree with others, I’m sure there will be someone local who will be able to make quilts and teddies out of some of the clothes. There’s also no problem with having a special keepsake box with any of her precious bits and bobs or just things you would like to keep.
I’m wondering whether instead of selling the clothes one by one, you can find a charity, or a children’s home or a shelter or something that would like to take them in your daughter’s name? It sounds like your daughter had a big heart, and then you know they have gone somewhere where they are appreciated.

I can’t even imagine. Whether or not yo feel like you are, you are a strong lady and you and your family will make it through together. My sympathy to you, you’re doing so well in a horrible time

I'm so sorry, I can't literally feel your pain through your posts. Sending love and strength x

Dear OP I am so sorry for your loss. To lose a child seems to me to be the worst thing imaginable. Your darling daughter sounds like a wonderful caring compassionate girl. Could you maybe give some of her things to a “streetless” charity as it sounds like she would have liked that? As others have said, making patchwork blankets and teddies out of the fabric sounds like a lovely idea. and virtual hugs to you.

I was struck by your comment that giving away her clothes seemed to you perhaps to symbolise that she 'didn't matter'. Could you think of it instead that you are acting as her representative, doing what from the sound of it would be what she herself would want to carry on doing if she could: being generous and thoughtful?

@Poppyisa

Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Life is so unfair. I could have written this Post a decade ago. It also still feels like yesterday. I lost my little boy just after his 7th birthday, and last week he should have turned 18.

The pain continues. But it changes. It used to have the power to pull the rug out from under me, but over the years and with much practice I now can mostly keep it under control. Missing our children, gone much too soon, never ends.

I coped and kept this from a bereaved parents newsletter as it spoke to me. But it took a very, very long time to get here.

“When your child dies, you ask, among other questions, what is left? What can be left after such a crushing blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or grandchildren, perhaps relatives or friends; they are all left.

Perhaps you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.

You read books on bereavement, scarcely remembering what you have read; talk with others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate, you have one or two good friends who, whilethey cannot fully understand, are there to love and listen. Perhapsthere is a therapist who guides you in your search for an answer.

But, for a long while everything you read or hear has little meaning and certainly cannot provide the answer to your question. Or can it? Does all that you have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the question of what is left?

For me it did. The answer was very long in coming, but how clear it came. I am left. That’s it. I am left and I have been left with the love of my child. It is a new love, it is different, more intense; and it is understanding. I love this love of my child. It warms and comforts me. It is a wonderful love. It is too precious to keep to myself. I am left with love to spare and love to share.

It will never run out. My child will always be with me to replenish it. I have found my answer. I am left to share my child’s love with you.”

❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am also going to say that a year is nothing and if you aren't ready to go through her things, then can you leave it a while? I lost a baby and 10 years later still wobble. I have boxes of things that have now been with me over 4 house moves. I have never looked into them but have to have them near. The idea of making some quilts etc. of things (and finding someone local to do do it) is a wonderful idea... when you are ready to do it. She sounds like a lovely, lovely girl.

OP I am sorry you have gone through so much. Do you have a local shop that sells wool/cloth/craft things? They might be able to recommend someone locally who could make things for you or look for a local craft group. Sometimes people who like to make things just run out of money for more materials and would probably love to help.

I don’t know where you are but if near this lady she is really amazing with her work and very respectful beemymemory.co.uk/

Your daughter sounds amazing, her thinking of others at such a young age. X

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You absolutely don’t have to get rid of anything you don’t want to. I can totally understand why it would upset you to see her clothes on other people. Please don’t rush yourself about what to do with your daughter’s things. Could someone store them for you, if you’re struggling for space, then you can sort them if and when you feel ready.
I know there are companies who will make teddy bears and cushions out of a loved ones clothes. Would your other children benefit from this too, to have something of hers in another form.
Your lovely daughter sounds like a real force for good. She was compassionate and kind, values which are so important to have. 💐

It just hurts so much knowing I’m never going to get a stiff cardboard hug again, that I will never smell her hair or discuss random things with her.

Like the day on the London train when she shouted from the seat opposite if ‘Now she had her lady business would she get pregnant from her lady products like her 21yr old sister. As her teacher in science told her when you are pregnant your lady business stops. So her sister is getting pregnant to her lady products as hers stop and she wondered aloud if she would now get pregnant to them?’
She had a very loud voice too - I used to always be reminding her to use a confidential voice as people don’t want to hear everything you say; ‘well why are they listening to my conversations then’ 😂

I was in your situation - I lost my DD at a similar age, very suddenly . I couldn’t even go in her bedroom for ages because it smelled of her.

I couldn’t do the washing because then her clothes wouldn’t be in the laundry basket.

I couldn’t do the shopping because the foods she liked wouldn’t be in The trolley.

If I hadn’t had other children, I think I would have taken my own life. But I couldn’t do that to them.

After about a year I had to move her things out Of her room , because the other children needed the space and it wasn’t fair. I was scared I was creating a shrine and I know that would be wrong for our family.

I couldn’t give away her stuff so a friend boxed it up and I put it in the loft. Part of me feels guilty for not giving it to the charity shop so others could benefit from the clothes or the money they raised.

One thing that forced me to act normal again was this - when I was at university I had a close friend whose brother - her only sibling - had died Of cancer when he was 10 and she was 12.

This woman’s family were nice enough but it was clear they were still grieving . She said “ I guess my childhood was happy enough but my mother has never got over the death of my brother “ .

This was about 12 years after his death.

It never changed and her mother ended up spending her whole life as a “bereaved mother “. Not the mother of a beautiful daughter, fine son in law and two Beautiful grandchildren.

I didn’t want my children to be the same. That’s not the legacy I Wanted for my DD, not is it what she would have wanted for herself. I didn’t want to remember her death, I wanted to remember her life.

I wanted to honour her life by learning from it, not living in the past and spending my life grieving for her. Which I was in danger of doing.

I wish I could tell you an easy way to deal with this, but I’ve not found one. The boxes are still in my loft because it’s still too hard to deal with.

But I do think I’ve given my other children a normal happy childhood not over shadowed by my grief. I can’t take away their loss but I’ve not also burdened them with my grief.

I hope some of this makes sense to you. Sorry if it’s not very coherent, I don’t talk about it very often.

She sounds like a character. Op her booklet is beautiful you have every right to be proud. My friend has a necklace of her child’s picture and writing. Just a suggestion.

@Biscuitmonster2318
Your post is so moving, yet so terrible.
Losing a beloved child is the worst loss imaginable..Who could read it without welling up?

A wonderful friend had a 9 year old brother, Bevis, who died while on holiday on the Isle of Skye, many years ago.
His Mum said ''What hurt me most, people would cross the road when they saw me coming..She said 'Your mum was one of the only people to talk to me'

The loss of a child is so profound, so feared, people just don't know what to say, for fear of saying the wrong thing?

I can't imagine having to deal with sorting out a beloved child's clothing...Dealing with an older relative's clothing is bad enough...

Of course you want your Daughter back! Such early days , too , and no one ever ''gets over'' such a loss...How could one? It just becomes a part of whom one is.

MIL/FIL lost two young babies...They were never forgotten.DH was 'one of three''...always.

@ALLIS0N

I was in your situation - I lost my DD at a similar age, very suddenly . I couldn’t even go in her bedroom for ages because it smelled of her.

I couldn’t do the washing because then her clothes wouldn’t be in the laundry basket.

I couldn’t do the shopping because the foods she liked wouldn’t be in The trolley.

If I hadn’t had other children, I think I would have taken my own life. But I couldn’t do that to them.

After about a year I had to move her things out Of her room , because the other children needed the space and it wasn’t fair. I was scared I was creating a shrine and I know that would be wrong for our family.

I couldn’t give away her stuff so a friend boxed it up and I put it in the loft. Part of me feels guilty for not giving it to the charity shop so others could benefit from the clothes or the money they raised.

One thing that forced me to act normal again was this - when I was at university I had a close friend whose brother - her only sibling - had died Of cancer when he was 10 and she was 12.

This woman’s family were nice enough but it was clear they were still grieving . She said “ I guess my childhood was happy enough but my mother has never got over the death of my brother “ .

This was about 12 years after his death.

It never changed and her mother ended up spending her whole life as a “bereaved mother “. Not the mother of a beautiful daughter, fine son in law and two Beautiful grandchildren.

I didn’t want my children to be the same. That’s not the legacy I Wanted for my DD, not is it what she would have wanted for herself. I didn’t want to remember her death, I wanted to remember her life.

I wanted to honour her life by learning from it, not living in the past and spending my life grieving for her. Which I was in danger of doing.

I wish I could tell you an easy way to deal with this, but I’ve not found one. The boxes are still in my loft because it’s still too hard to deal with.

But I do think I’ve given my other children a normal happy childhood not over shadowed by my grief. I can’t take away their loss but I’ve not also burdened them with my grief.

I hope some of this makes sense to you. Sorry if it’s not very coherent, I don’t talk about it very often.

This has given me so much to think about. Thank you.

@Biscuitmonster2318
Your Daughter's book is beautiful... 💕

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss.

Maybe it is possible that you are pushing yourself too much to move on when you are not ready.

The only thing I have to offer is about the stages of bereavement. DABDA. Denial to Acceptance.

This is only one theory of bereavement and what happens to a person but there is a relatively new boo about another stage called the search for meaning. It is written by someone who like you lost a child so it may help to read their story. Thinking of you will try to find the link.
The book is called the Sixth Stage of Grief there is a bit about it here. I'm sure you could find it on regulawww.stylist.co.uk/long-reads/stages-of-grief-bereavement-depression-grief-counselling-david-kessler-books-advice/318070#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThe%20five%20stages%20of%20grief%20that%20Elisabeth%20K%C3%BCbler-Ross,release%2C%20Finding%20Meaning%3A%20The%20Sixth%20Stage%20Of%20Grief.
r sites

Sorry I'm rubbish at this

Sixth Stage of Grief you will find it on Amazon etc

@ALLIS0N I’m so sorry for your loss and a lot of what you said about how you felt and what you did for your children. Rings very similar to how I feel and what I’ve been trying to do for my other children.

I have 2 children in there mid twenties now and a younger one who just started high school this year.
My older children tell me how they are glad I’m not as busy rushing around anymore as they used to worry I was doing too much when she was here.
I taught fulltime, had 4 children and a single parent and her health needs alongside my Crohn’s. Which I neglected considerably as her health needs came first.

They have talked about how much their lives changed after she was diagnosed. We were spontaneous and I did dance and rugby and all the other kid activities. But her needs were so high and I was alone that it was harder for them.

My oldest is a lad and she was incredibly violent, at school from age of 4 she had 2 fulltime assistants, at home we were alone. He said he hated not being able to do anything to stop her hurting me. But she didn’t mean it and as she got older and could regulate better it got better.
But many a time kids would come home from school and I would be in hospital for days with her and they would be with my friend.
But the youngest has never known any different. He once begged her be for the cinema and fireworks to please just one can you not have a seizure as he told I just want to see them all way through just once please E.

So I know it’s been very difficult for them as I have always known that her illness meant she wouldn’t become an adult. I am grateful for all the extra years we had with her.

So for my children they need normalcy in their life. When they invite New friends of GF/BF they hate having to explain what’s happened as it makes things awkward.

So I know I have to do this for them. I also know if they knew how hard it was and how hurt I am they would put it all back and say ‘it’s ok we don’t mind!

I can’t do that to them.
So I’m in my living room and when they get up I will just have a smile on my face and hold it together.

They have also been through so much.

Oh, love. I'm genuinely lost for words. So sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was an amazing daughter. Wishing you lots of strength and hope for the future.

I am so sorry OP.

Biscuitmonster, just want to add my voice to offer my condolences and the awe I am in at your awful task clearing your DD's room.

I cannot add anything to the wonderful posts by parents in a similar position to you and who have experience of this most awful of losses.

You will always be her mother and she will always be your daughter. Allow your grief, acknowledge your love for her and be very kind to yourself