Packing my daughter’s bedroom away - don’t know what I need

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I have spent today sorting through daughter’s clothes. I had my oldest lad empty her drawers and wardrobe into black bags and put into the living room for me yesterday. As I can’t do it in her room.
I have spent hours pulling each item out, photographing it, send it to my best friend as I’m keeping what means the most, then putting the rest on a site to sell. My son’s I did a few weeks ago and sold bundles to people I know who had loved the outfits when he wore them.
I’ve had people asking if they can buy my daughter’s clothing etc but I can’t do it. I cannot cope with seeing girls walking around in her stuff. Some have got a bit peeves and said when I list them they could just buy them.

Anyway, I’m rambling as I actually don’t know why I’m posting as it can’t help. I really need to get a grip of myself but emotionally I feel like a jug of custard that has exploded everywhere and every surface is covered. That I’m losing control of myself and if I do that and give in to how heartbroken I feel right I’m scared I will never put it all back and function in life.

I set myself a goal that before I started back at work I would sort her room as I’m aware it’s not healthy for me and my kids are finding it hard. They need to shut it all away now and the room as it was is causing them to struggle and feel guilty that they are getting on with life.

So I set a goal that after the anniversary on 31st August of my 12yr old daughter passing away I would just sort her clothes. As I’ve not been able to touch them or look at them since it happened.
The memories and her smell and her oddness about clothes etc have had me sending pictures and little stories to my friend and also to her. I have her phone still and I’ve been sending them to her. How bloody stupid is that. She can’t see them or read them.
But I’ve put them into folded piles 9-10 10-11 11-12 and 12-13.
The 12-13 pile was very easy and I’ve offered to give them to my best friend for her girl. As she only got to wear one of the dresses. But the 9-10 and 10-11 was so hard as they brought back so many memories of our holidays abroad etc

I held it together whilst doing it as I didn’t want to burden my kids. I know they feel bad and guilty that they think it’s time I sorted something’s.

But right now I’m sat on my sofa with a couple of her fav items. I’m broken. I cannot stop crying as it hurts so bloody much and I miss her. I just want her back. Smell her hair and have to bribe for cuddles or touching as she was hypersensitive to touch as she was Autistic and had sensory overload
I want to hear one of her silly stories or answers to questions that are very wrong but actually very logical in thought.

I just don’t want to scream and shout and get angry because every single part of me hurts I miss her so much.

Sorry if it’s in the wrong place and irrelevant. I just needed to get out how I feel in the hope it will get easier.

I just want my girl back so badly. On the 31st we went to see her and I struggled to leave. I just wish I could be sat with her and touching her.

Biscuit this was me 5 years ago. We moved 7 months after my 3 year old dd died suddenly, packing up her room was one of the hardest things I have done. I had the below blanket box made for her most precious toys, treasures and clothes, all her other clothes I held onto for a couple of years until I was ready to deal with them. I actually gave away the vast majority, and for me it did make me smile when I saw my friends dc wearing her dresses but I know for some its too painful. Pippas toys still get pulled out and played with by her little brothers and cousins which I'm also delighted about and as you can see her box is vital in our daily life.....if its not on the box it doesn't go in the car for the school run!
As I learnt after Pippas death you don't need many friends, just the right ones. I've had people cross the road because they didn't know what to say. I made a decision shortly after Pippa died that I was not going to let her death destroy our lives, I have 3 sons who miss their sister dreadfully, but they deserve a happy childhood. We laugh, we cry and the pain is still there its just not so raw, she still very much a part of our lives but in a happy way.
Sending lots of love. Xx

I’m so sorry for your loss!

Your daughter, from your posts, sounds like a lovely girl.

I haven’t experienced loss of a child, and the loss I have suffered is nothing in comparison but I just wanted to add my little thoughts for you:
There is no time limit for grief and there is no correct way to act or feel. Of course the world keeps moving and time passes by, but a piece of you stopped in time the moment you lost your daughter. Everything that was once important to you no longer is and the bits that weren’t important at the time is now very important. Memories are both a beautiful gift and a heartbreaking thing. Your hurt, sadness, anger, love, happiness, grief and smiles will all adapt and change as time passes by and you will learn to live with the sadness your daughters death bought with it and also the happiness that her life gave you. Although she might be gone, her smile, compassion, her laughter and her love will always live on in those who knew her and loved her. And whilst there are people around who still remember her and have stories to share, her light will continue to shine.
Her life has been cut short and this is very unfair. Please don’t beat yourself up with the way that you are feeling on any given day. As parents we aren’t given a manual on how to raise kids and by the same note, we are definitely not prepared for the hardship that this can also bring. Even if you only manage to get out of bed and have a tea or coffee on some days, this is enough as long as you are being kind to yourself.

Oh I’m so sorry @Biscuitmonster2318. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child. I have lost loved ones but not a child. Don’t feel that anything you do regarding keeping her clothes etc is ‘silly’. The way we all deal with grief is different and personal to us. You shouldn’t feel pushed to do anything you are not ready for. Take it at your own pace. I love the idea of blankets or bears made from her clothes! Is this something you could do yourself if you don’t want to let them out of your sight? As you said she liked art, she would probably like that idea? Sending you a virtual hug 💐

I’m so sorry OP. She sounds wonderful and there’s no timescale to do these things. Even if you’re never ready that’s ok

You are not unreasonable to come here even for a hand hold. I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a child.
I do know though that when a friend lost her partner suddenly, she felt the same over a favourite shirt of his, and she had it made into a cushion. It gave her great comfort to snuggle up to it, she used to spray it with a little of his cologne.
Would that be something which could help you with the fave boys you mentioned?

And actually, you don't need to be in a rush with her things. If it's not for you quite yet then they stay put. My darling gran lost my grandfather in the early nineties, it took until the mid 2000s for her to even think of emptying his wardrobe and drawers, even when she needed space for her ever growing clothing collection, she put new wardrobes in the spare room as she didn't feel ready to donate anything. Even his walking stick, gloves and flat cap stayed on the table in the porch. And you know what? That was fine.
Losing someone who means the absolute world to you is easily the hardest thing a person will have to go through, and everyone deals with loss differently
The people asking for things need to be told a firm no and if they're good friends that will be enough.

Fave tops not boys