I have spent today sorting through daughter’s clothes. I had my oldest lad empty her drawers and wardrobe into black bags and put into the living room for me yesterday. As I can’t do it in her room.
I have spent hours pulling each item out, photographing it, send it to my best friend as I’m keeping what means the most, then putting the rest on a site to sell. My son’s I did a few weeks ago and sold bundles to people I know who had loved the outfits when he wore them.
I’ve had people asking if they can buy my daughter’s clothing etc but I can’t do it. I cannot cope with seeing girls walking around in her stuff. Some have got a bit peeves and said when I list them they could just buy them.
Anyway, I’m rambling as I actually don’t know why I’m posting as it can’t help. I really need to get a grip of myself but emotionally I feel like a jug of custard that has exploded everywhere and every surface is covered. That I’m losing control of myself and if I do that and give in to how heartbroken I feel right I’m scared I will never put it all back and function in life.
I set myself a goal that before I started back at work I would sort her room as I’m aware it’s not healthy for me and my kids are finding it hard. They need to shut it all away now and the room as it was is causing them to struggle and feel guilty that they are getting on with life.
So I set a goal that after the anniversary on 31st August of my 12yr old daughter passing away I would just sort her clothes. As I’ve not been able to touch them or look at them since it happened.
The memories and her smell and her oddness about clothes etc have had me sending pictures and little stories to my friend and also to her. I have her phone still and I’ve been sending them to her. How bloody stupid is that. She can’t see them or read them.
But I’ve put them into folded piles 9-10 10-11 11-12 and 12-13.
The 12-13 pile was very easy and I’ve offered to give them to my best friend for her girl. As she only got to wear one of the dresses. But the 9-10 and 10-11 was so hard as they brought back so many memories of our holidays abroad etc
I held it together whilst doing it as I didn’t want to burden my kids. I know they feel bad and guilty that they think it’s time I sorted something’s.
But right now I’m sat on my sofa with a couple of her fav items. I’m broken. I cannot stop crying as it hurts so bloody much and I miss her. I just want her back. Smell her hair and have to bribe for cuddles or touching as she was hypersensitive to touch as she was Autistic and had sensory overload
I want to hear one of her silly stories or answers to questions that are very wrong but actually very logical in thought.
I just don’t want to scream and shout and get angry because every single part of me hurts I miss her so much.
Sorry if it’s in the wrong place and irrelevant. I just needed to get out how I feel in the hope it will get easier.
I just want my girl back so badly. On the 31st we went to see her and I struggled to leave. I just wish I could be sat with her and touching her.