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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had row with DH

82 replies

Bluepolkadots42 · 05/09/2020 22:36

Not even sure where to start but basically, after a relatively nice- albeit standard evening in- with DH- we had dinner and watched a few episodes of a series we are watching it quickly all turned to shit when I dared to mention that tomorrow, if the weather was nice and DD (2 yo) wanted to go out, DH might take her to the park (3 mins walk from our house). I felt DH poo-pooed the idea and said 'well you'll be down at 9 to take over' (at weekends we each take it in turns to lie in until 9). This morning I was up and in park with DD by 08.45 as it was such a lovely morning and she asked to go.
What annoyed me this evening is that DH very. very rarely EVER takes DD out on his own to do anything. The only thing he does semi regularly is take her to see his DPs on his day off in the week. And that doesn't happen weekly. It has long been a source of annoyance to me that on numerous mornings with DD during lockdown I will get up and out with her- be it for a walk or to park or even just to shops in car (which she also loves) and he will NEVER EVER have left the house with her before 9, if ever that day.
This evening when I started talking about it and how I wasn't askinghim to do anything I hadn't done myself this morning, he started telling me to 'shut up' and 'fuck off'- all standard responses from him (whether after a few beers or stone cold sober) when he is pissed off at the fact I am daring to level any criticism towards him. I then made it clear I objected to this response and felt it was immature and uncalled for and he started trying to patronise me e.g. 'yeh yeh yeh' ' ok whatever you say- you're the one going nuts right now'. Previously he has told me to 'fuck off' in front of our daughter (stone cold sober during day time) again, it has always been when I've dared to suggest he might clean the bathroom after shaving his entire beard all over the shop and doing a minimal, lacklustre and poor attempt at cleaning up or if I dare mention that his pissing off for 6 hours of a weekend day now and again so he can indulge in a hobby creates more domestic labour for me, and to ask when my trade off time will fall.
I am sick to death of it.
I've called him names tonight which I know has weakened my stance on the whole his position and reaction being immature- but I called him a chauvinistic pig, because this is what I feel his attitude is boiling down to. I've told him that EVERY time I ever dare say anything which is in anyway a criticism of him or things he does (today he washed the coffee pot so that it wasn't really washed and then leaked coffee granules all over our DD's crockery on draining board and rather than saying- oh you haven't done this fully can you di it again? I instead muttered something about 'oh I think this might need to go in dishwasher instead' and shoved it in myself.) it 85% of time ends up in him being pissed off and angry at me, acting like a stroppy teenager OR he gives me the silent treatment for 24-36 hours.
I'm tired of it.
I've recently gone back to work and so cannot accommodate his immature responses and incompetent and lazy attempts at cleaning anymore and I've had it with NEVER being able to have a sensible conversation about this type of thing. AIBU? Should I just put up and shut up?
I said to him tonight that if I shared a kitchen with him at work I would be slagging him off behind his back because he is so grotty and untidy etc. so why the hell am I trying to put up with it at home.???

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2020 22:41

Neither of us ever goes out before 9, whichever of us gets up with DD. But that aside, he has no right to swear at you and he sounds fucking useless. I couldn’t stay with him I’m afraid, and absolutely no to putting up and shutting up. He verbally abuses you in front of your toddler, that’s completely unacceptable. Would you like to leave him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2020 22:43

In a list:

  1. He is a bot of a lazy parent. But getting to the park before 9am is a bit meh on the weekend so that's forgivable.
  1. He doesn't take criticism well. This is worse. If you can't ever ask for your needs to be met, it's not a relationship. There could be reasons. My DH struggles with this because of a highly critical father and a very strange relationship with him. We work on it.
  1. He thinks domestic work is your work and messes things up and doesn't fix them. Bordering on LTB. Sexist and shitty. But still slightly in the realm of fixable. Very very slightly.
  1. When you don't do exactly as he wants, he swears at you, insults you (sometimes in front of DD) and stonewalls you. Unforgivable and LTB.
Cheeeeislifenow · 05/09/2020 22:44

He is a lazy prick. His language bro you in front of your daughter bus appalling. If a man spoke to your dd like that in years to come, what would you tell her?

LovingLola · 05/09/2020 22:46

Should I just put up and shut up?

No you shouldn’t.
What you should do is take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if this is the way you want it to be. If the answer is yes then put up and shut up.
If the answer is no then you need to think about what you need to do to change it.
Do you want to stay with him?

tiredanddangerous · 05/09/2020 22:49

The way he spoke to you was disgraceful op. Having said that, i wouldn't be going out before 9am at the weekend either.

It's not just about that though, is it?

Dollyrocket · 05/09/2020 22:49

You are not BU at all.

You should probably ask to move this to the ‘Relationships’ board though.

madcatladyforever · 05/09/2020 22:52

Sorry he needs to go. He is not a decent life partner. What a horrible man. He will never get any better only worse.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 05/09/2020 22:55

Lazy, dirty, verbally and emotionally abusive, piss poor parent.
Not ideal.

Lockdownseperation · 05/09/2020 22:56

The not going out before 9 is a none issue - everyone parents differently. I was thinking it sounds like he needs a gentle nudge and confidence to take her out 1:1 but then you mentioned the swearing. What would you say to your daughter when she’s an adult and she says her partner tells her to fuck off? I ask because whatever you do next it what you are teaching your daughter about how acceptable this is in a relationship. Sometimes it takes imagining someone else in your situation to get some clarity.

LovingLola · 05/09/2020 22:58

Look at him through your daughter’s eyes
When she is an adult would you like her to have a dp like him?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 05/09/2020 23:02

It makes me really sad how common this attitude seems to be in my friends’ husbands. They never take their kids anywhere except to the grandparents where the responsibility of the kids is offloaded.
I honestly couldn’t be in a relationship with my husband if he couldn’t manage to muster up some enthusiasm for spending time with his own children.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/09/2020 23:04

I think the row about going out with DD early is unreasonable but to me it reads that all the shitty, lazy things he does have built up and no you are just angry at him for everything, rational or not. And it’s completely understandable. I think you may even hate him. LTB but be cautious as he sounds like even as an ex he will make you feel like shit.

Take time to know your worth, your strengths and weaknesses, and to trust yourself so you can bat away the shit he is likely to throw at you.

I’m not a LTB kind of poster either...

ChocoholicMama · 05/09/2020 23:05

Why on earth does he think you're 'taking over' at 9am after your lie in? Surely at the weekend you both share equal responsibility, with the exception of your individual lie ins. The not leaving the house by 9am is not something I would get hung up on... Everything else ranges from childish and lazy to downright unacceptable. You already know this though, from the tone of your post. Don't let your daughter learn that it's ok for you to be spoken to like you describe.

justasking111 · 05/09/2020 23:11

Wow well if I was his mother I would be tearing him off a huge strip and he would not swear at me. Do you have that kind of a MIL @Bluepolkadots42

If you were my daughter I would suggest you pack a suitcase and take yourself and DC off to stay with a friend /relative without telling him. Leave him a letter telling him exactly why, block him on your phone and let him stew for a few days in his own crud.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/09/2020 23:15

Agree, he sounds like an arse.
He shouldn't be swearing and shouting at you in front of your DD.
Deal breaker for me.

LEELULUMPKIN · 05/09/2020 23:22

I think lockdown and this whole crappy year has taught many people that life is way too short to put up with this shit OP.

I get the impression from your post that what happened today is just the tip of a very large iceberg.

Relationships, are not supposed to be this much hard work and most definitely NOT entail the kind of language you have been subjected to today

As a PP said, this will only escalate.

I am a big believer that people treat you exactly how you allow them to.

Please don't put up with this and show your little girl just how strong her lovely Mum is.

Good luck OP.

Mynameisrow · 05/09/2020 23:23

I’d be asking myself what I find good about my relationship if I was in your position.
Is it worth years of walking on eggshells? Would you be happy if your DD ended up with a man like this?
If no then consider leaving him.
I’m sure he has good qualities, but his bad qualities are unacceptable behaviour.

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit · 05/09/2020 23:26

My DH is 'old fashioned' and has some fairly chauvinistic views, and I often have to pull him up on them. I married him knowing he would never be great at cleaning the house - but he does pull his weight in other aspects of our lives. He wasn't the most hands on Dad but did change nappies etc - although much of the daily routine fell to me.

BUT - he would never speak to me like that, or swear, or in any way put me down. His best excuse with DCs of that age might just be nervousness of being alone with young children - but he's fantastic now they're older and always taking them off to do fun things while I either do work, house stuff or have 'me' time.

I'm sorry OP - we all have different thresholds about what we are happy to put up with - but blatant rudeness and disrespect is hard to justify. As PPs have said - would you want your DD to have that from a partner? I joke with my DCs and say - your generation would never want a dinosaur who can't cook' and we laugh, but foul language and abuse is a whole different thing!

TheChosenTwo · 05/09/2020 23:32

He sounds like a pig.
Neither dh nor I would be hurrying out of the house to get any of the dc to a park before 9 or even 10 at the weekend, there’s all day for it (so long as the weather isn’t horrific, the park can wait) and I know we have both told the other to fuck off (in hushed tones because the dc were about) in the past... arguments happen, we have both apologised and had a kiss and a hug and forgiven and moved on. It’s also not been a regular thing, maybe 5 times in nearly 20 years.
But you sound like you don’t like each other and he sounds lazy. You’re incompatible for whatever reason and would probably both be happier apart. Your child will also probably grow up in a happier environment with their parents not sniping at each other or seething with resentment.

PickAChew · 05/09/2020 23:42

No, you should never put up and shut up.

MrsTP summed it all up very nicely.

Can you honestly say he brings anything to your life, right now, other than stress? Not that anything ameliorates the verbal abuse, of course.

Shizzlestix · 05/09/2020 23:51

He name calls.
He is incapable of clearing up properly.
He doesn’t appear capable of looking after his own child properly.
He has no consideration for you.

What do you want to happen?

Ugzbugz · 05/09/2020 23:55

Basically he doesn't want to spend time with her or take her out, another useless selfish man and you should not be standing by him, that what my ex was like but wouldn't be horrible to me or rude just useless

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2020 00:01

I've been married 20+ years and my husband has never, not once, treated or spoken to me the way your husband does to you. I wouldn't tolerate this, why are you? He does this in front of your child. This is the example you want set for her? I certainly hope not because it's fucking awful.

cdtaylornats · 06/09/2020 00:07

You've trained him. Whenever he does something you see as wrong you fix it to your standard. This means he has decided that you are never happy so there is no point in trying.

Devlesko · 06/09/2020 00:08

It's taken you awhile to find out.
Never mind, you have done now, so what do you intend to do?
Is this the type of future you want for your daughter?