Just had row with DH

[Bluepolkadots42]

Not even sure where to start but basically, after a relatively nice- albeit standard evening in- with DH- we had dinner and watched a few episodes of a series we are watching it quickly all turned to shit when I dared to mention that tomorrow, if the weather was nice and DD (2 yo) wanted to go out, DH might take her to the park (3 mins walk from our house). I felt DH poo-pooed the idea and said 'well you'll be down at 9 to take over' (at weekends we each take it in turns to lie in until 9). This morning I was up and in park with DD by 08.45 as it was such a lovely morning and she asked to go.
What annoyed me this evening is that DH very. very rarely EVER takes DD out on his own to do anything. The only thing he does semi regularly is take her to see his DPs on his day off in the week. And that doesn't happen weekly. It has long been a source of annoyance to me that on numerous mornings with DD during lockdown I will get up and out with her- be it for a walk or to park or even just to shops in car (which she also loves) and he will NEVER EVER have left the house with her before 9, if ever that day.
This evening when I started talking about it and how I wasn't askinghim to do anything I hadn't done myself this morning, he started telling me to 'shut up' and 'fuck off'- all standard responses from him (whether after a few beers or stone cold sober) when he is pissed off at the fact I am daring to level any criticism towards him. I then made it clear I objected to this response and felt it was immature and uncalled for and he started trying to patronise me e.g. 'yeh yeh yeh' ' ok whatever you say- you're the one going nuts right now'. Previously he has told me to 'fuck off' in front of our daughter (stone cold sober during day time) again, it has always been when I've dared to suggest he might clean the bathroom after shaving his entire beard all over the shop and doing a minimal, lacklustre and poor attempt at cleaning up or if I dare mention that his pissing off for 6 hours of a weekend day now and again so he can indulge in a hobby creates more domestic labour for me, and to ask when my trade off time will fall.
I am sick to death of it.
I've called him names tonight which I know has weakened my stance on the whole his position and reaction being immature- but I called him a chauvinistic pig, because this is what I feel his attitude is boiling down to. I've told him that EVERY time I ever dare say anything which is in anyway a criticism of him or things he does (today he washed the coffee pot so that it wasn't really washed and then leaked coffee granules all over our DD's crockery on draining board and rather than saying- oh you haven't done this fully can you di it again? I instead muttered something about 'oh I think this might need to go in dishwasher instead' and shoved it in myself.) it 85% of time ends up in him being pissed off and angry at me, acting like a stroppy teenager OR he gives me the silent treatment for 24-36 hours.
I'm tired of it.
I've recently gone back to work and so cannot accommodate his immature responses and incompetent and lazy attempts at cleaning anymore and I've had it with NEVER being able to have a sensible conversation about this type of thing. AIBU? Should I just put up and shut up?
I said to him tonight that if I shared a kitchen with him at work I would be slagging him off behind his back because he is so grotty and untidy etc. so why the hell am I trying to put up with it at home.???

I think you're being a bit U to tell him what to do when he's in charge of parenting.

You are also being U to stay with someone who treats you like this. Make your plans and go. It won't make your life worse.

You don’t have to live like this - please don’t feel trapped with this bastard.

He’s basically lazy and you sound highly motivated. What attracted you to each other?

Doesn't sound like he loves you or your child very much. How sad.

My DH's cleaning and tidying up standards are no where near as good as mine (I'm a real clean/ neat freak). But I decided a long time ago that nobody does the cleaning how I like it done, and he's a really good man and does more than his share on other jobs that I don't like, so I bite my tongue on that issue now. It's just not worth or fair to nitpick over.

He has never ever told me to shut up or fuck off - nor I him. We've been married 20 years. We respect each other and whilst we have rows from time to time (who doesn't) there's a way to disagree without being disagreeable.

I think telling your DH what he should be doing at and at what time is actually quite irritating. But his response is unforgivable.

If I were you I'd be having a really good think about where your marriage is heading. Sorry to say that.

You and DD deserve better than this. He’ll never change, because he doesn’t have to, and doesn’t care enough about you or DD to do it for you. Please rescue DD and yourself — neither of you should be living with this.

Imagine leaving him.
Would your life be better or worse?

Do you like being married to him? Is it fun? A joy? A real partnership? Because for me, that's what I want out of my relationship. Sure it can't be all roses and rainbows all the time, but in the main, my life is better for having dh in it. Is that the same for you?

I don't disagree with the majority of your sentiments and especially think that the abusive language is exactly that, abusive.

However, your passive aggressive approach of trying to twist his arm into being a carbon copy of you at 9am in unreasonable. You Choose to go before 9am.he chooses not to! We can be out before 8am and others not out of pyjamas until 4pm! It is the weekend.

However him never taking any sole responsibility is an obvious slow burning issue. His attitude in the home to sharing the load and how he speaks to you is shite.
And my personal advice would be to write everything down in a letter and state that if you don't have improvements that you'll be reviewing the entire situation. But also give him space to respond and also address issues he will have.

Thanks all for your thoughts and responses. Viewing the situation this morning with a clearer head I agree that the playground was a red herring and actually the real issues are the other things I mentioned.

To clarify- I do think DH is a good parent on the whole- he isn't the parent who will organise play dates/exciting activities/trips (not that we can do those anyway atm) but he will take her out for long walks in good weather on his day off. He can also be very lazy though with her- sitting on phone scrolling whilst she gets bored/fussy or trying to get her to speak to family members on video call which she absolutely hates on the whole and has no interest in doing. During lockdown it was a necessary evil but now she is seeing family members again I don't see the point. He does (and always has done) nappies, getting her dressed, getting her fed etc. (Although in my mind that is just the BASIC expectations of any parent, so no gold medals to anyone who does that). DH also does all the cooking for he and I and has done ever since DD was born.

A few things other posters said have struck a chord about dictating playgrounds sound controlling. On reflection it does and it is. I have an anxiety disorder and so one (unhealthy way) I can try to manage it can be by trying to control everything. I am fully aware that that must be exhausting to live with when I am in that headspace. I think DH and I need to discuss some ways we can speak about that if he genuinely feels that's what I am doing.

RE: swearing and 'shut up'- the first time it happened (I can't remember exactly when) I was incredibly upset. Mainly because it had happened in front of our DD. I spoke to him at length about why I found it unforgiveable and inexcusable e.g. the way he treats me in front of her is how she will allow herself to be treated by future partners and I would never EVER want her to be with someone who would speak to her like that.
It has happened once more I think in front of her since, and 2 times more not in front of her. Timeline for all this is probably about a year.

I have spoken to DH before about 'sulking' and silent treatment- and a refusal to discuss issues that have arisen. I've told him I find it childish and immature. He has acknowledged he isn't good at discussing his feelings etc. he said he would work on it. There has been improvement in that silent treatments aren't happening so much anymore but instead they seem to have been replaced by the occasional sudden outburst of swearing and telling me to 'shut up'.

Another PP said he clearly views me as hyper critical- I agree. He is naturally lazy- so are his parents. I would say I can be lazy too but equally my DD motivates me to be better. We all have days we want to just sit in front of netflix or scroll on our phones- however 2yos don't allow for that (unless they're napping), so I just get on with it on a day like that. DH definitely feels the burden of parenting and views it as such- although he also gets huge amounts of enjoyment from our DD and loves to talk about her after she's in bed etc. He will always complain of being exhausted and tired- yet he won't go to bed before midnight, even knowing he is up with her at 7 on his weekend 'morning'. So he whinges but won't change it.

I will be wanting a discussion today about last night and as another PP has put- I will be making the swearing at me a red line from this point onwards. If it happens again then he will need to leave.

For those saying LTB- I don't think we are there yet. But rest assured I would be the one staying in the house with DD and not him.

Thanks all for your opinions.

To state the bleeding obvious, this doesn’t sound like a very constructive relationship! You do sound, as a pp said, as though you nitpick - you expect things to be done a certain way and criticise when they are not; your DH doesn’t expect/want them done that way and reacts badly to that criticism. Just from what you’ve said here, my take would be that it’s some and some: the beard thing is irritating and thoughtless, the coffee thing is irritating but not worth making a fuss about when you can just stick it in the dishwasher and the 9am thing is a bit bonkers. (I’m the most “going out” person I know, but I wouldn’t be anywhere pre 9am unless I absolutely had to be).

His reaction, though? Not good. I can even forgive a bit of swearing in extremis, but not in front of your child. And the sulking is incredibly childish. It’d be that which had me packing my bags, to be honest. There’s a nagging mum/stroppy teenage son dynamic going on here...and that’s unbelievably unattractive.

I think ‘misogynist pig’ was a good description actually...

The ‘doing things in half’ as I call it (like the coffee pot or the bathroom) makes rage too.
Because not only you still have to do the job BUT it’s also a nice way to tell the other person that you don’t care/you can’t be bothered/they can fuck off. It’s not being lazy. It’s being deliberately bad at it hoping that you won’t be asked again. It’s also making a point imo.

So I fully disagree with some PP. it’s not just irritating. It’s the same than leaving your cup on the top of the dishwasher instead of inside. (I’m sure you know the story - it’s all about the disrespect that one partner shows when they are blatantly doing the one thing that annoys their partner again and again)

He’s lazy and an unnatural father from the sound of it but I have to say that it’s a bit weird that you’re up and out with a child before .9am so I’m with him on that. I’d get up to give my DH a lie in but I’d be in the sofa with tea in front of milkshake on ch5 in the tv if my memory serves me well(DC teens now)

The swearing at you is completely unacceptable, especially in front of your DD.

However, I do agree with PPs that there's an unhealthy dynamic that's developed between you, where you've become the nagging mum and he's become the moody teen.

@NataliaOsipova

To state the bleeding obvious, this doesn’t sound like a very constructive relationship! You do sound, as a pp said, as though you nitpick - you expect things to be done a certain way and criticise when they are not; your DH doesn’t expect/want them done that way and reacts badly to that criticism. Just from what you’ve said here, my take would be that it’s some and some: the beard thing is irritating and thoughtless, the coffee thing is irritating but not worth making a fuss about when you can just stick it in the dishwasher and the 9am thing is a bit bonkers. (I’m the most “going out” person I know, but I wouldn’t be anywhere pre 9am unless I absolutely had to be).

His reaction, though? Not good. I can even forgive a bit of swearing in extremis, but not in front of your child. And the sulking is incredibly childish. It’d be that which had me packing my bags, to be honest. There’s a nagging mum/stroppy teenage son dynamic going on here...and that’s unbelievably unattractive.

I agree. I think this is a good assessment of the general dynamic we seem to have fallen into. And yes- it is v unattractive. I think it's always had potential to be like this and lockdown has just cemented that really. I accept that I could let a few things slide however another part of me also feels why should I? I don't subject him to similar e.g. leaving dirt and mess everywhere frequently untidied so why should he do that to me. I know marriage is give and take and there needs to be elements of compromise- I guess I struggle with knowing how much compromise is reasonable for me to be expected to give.

Oh but the swearing? No, wouldn’t be with a man like that. Surely you knew this about him before DC?

Btw, it seems that you are stuck in a situation where he is acting like a child (and a rebellious child at that) and you end up reacting as a parent (maybe a controlling parent too).

Have a look at transactional analysis. This might shed some light about why your arguments are blowing up like this.

The issue here, of course, is that you will never move to a better relationship until he actually accept he needs to behave like an adult. But you communicating (your very valid request!!) like an adult might help.

@QuestionMarkNow yes! He also does that. Cups next to dishwasher when there's plenty of space. They can be there for nearly a full day. I don't think I've maybe ever said to him that when he does that the message he sends me is he doesn't respect me and he can't be arsed to keep our living environment nice for everyone. I will try phrasing it like that. So then if it continues I know he is continuing it in full knowledge that it is a 'fuck you' to me.

@Benjispruce2 I didn't. He is known by all as a mellow, relaxed guy. His parents are v anti swearing. I work with kids and it's like when they can't find the words to communicate their issue they just explode instead.

Thanks @QuestionMarkNow I will look into that.

@Bluepolkadots42 I would not be happy to compromise about the bathroom or the coffee. I mean it reminds me of the attitude my teenagers have and I certainly wouldn’t accept that sort of behaviour from them (nor wouod DH interestingly). That’s just disgusting and in part with leaving the toilet bowl dirty after a crap.

Women in general are taught that they need to compromise constantly. That we need to make things easier for others, esp men. The result is the immediate beating ourselves up when things go wrong and wondering if we were not supposed to let x or y go. If we are not aksing too much.

Now rewind a bit. What sort of things would you expect (if you had one) your teenage son to do? Would you expect them to always be up at 9.00am? Maybe not. Would you expect to clean after themselves after a shave? Certainly.

A "good" dad doesn't verbally abuse the mother of his child at all least of all in front of them. A "good" dad doesn't need to be prompted to do activities outside of the home. A good "dad" doesn't shut down any topics of conversation he wants to avoid and treats his partner with disrespect and contempt. I think you're being disrespected and treated like shit.

I feel that him 'admitting' he's bad a talking about his feelings is a bit of an issue here. It moves it to being a problem which has a big negative impact on you with the shutting down, moodiness and sulking. To something which is about his emotional /mental wellbeing. Something which is much harder to pull him up on. So I'd be mindful of this.

I'm glad you saw the playground thing as a bit of a red herring. As actually the other issues you mention are the real ones. Often feel people think sulking is not a great behaviour but not terrible. But actually it is manipulation and potentially abusive when you start thinking of it in those terms it starts to feel like a bigger deal.

Sounds like you're frustrated because it feels like you feel you're in a parent- child relationship with him rather than a equal footing partnership where you then also both coparent your child.