Just had row with DH

[Bluepolkadots42]

Not even sure where to start but basically, after a relatively nice- albeit standard evening in- with DH- we had dinner and watched a few episodes of a series we are watching it quickly all turned to shit when I dared to mention that tomorrow, if the weather was nice and DD (2 yo) wanted to go out, DH might take her to the park (3 mins walk from our house). I felt DH poo-pooed the idea and said 'well you'll be down at 9 to take over' (at weekends we each take it in turns to lie in until 9). This morning I was up and in park with DD by 08.45 as it was such a lovely morning and she asked to go.
What annoyed me this evening is that DH very. very rarely EVER takes DD out on his own to do anything. The only thing he does semi regularly is take her to see his DPs on his day off in the week. And that doesn't happen weekly. It has long been a source of annoyance to me that on numerous mornings with DD during lockdown I will get up and out with her- be it for a walk or to park or even just to shops in car (which she also loves) and he will NEVER EVER have left the house with her before 9, if ever that day.
This evening when I started talking about it and how I wasn't askinghim to do anything I hadn't done myself this morning, he started telling me to 'shut up' and 'fuck off'- all standard responses from him (whether after a few beers or stone cold sober) when he is pissed off at the fact I am daring to level any criticism towards him. I then made it clear I objected to this response and felt it was immature and uncalled for and he started trying to patronise me e.g. 'yeh yeh yeh' ' ok whatever you say- you're the one going nuts right now'. Previously he has told me to 'fuck off' in front of our daughter (stone cold sober during day time) again, it has always been when I've dared to suggest he might clean the bathroom after shaving his entire beard all over the shop and doing a minimal, lacklustre and poor attempt at cleaning up or if I dare mention that his pissing off for 6 hours of a weekend day now and again so he can indulge in a hobby creates more domestic labour for me, and to ask when my trade off time will fall.
I am sick to death of it.
I've called him names tonight which I know has weakened my stance on the whole his position and reaction being immature- but I called him a chauvinistic pig, because this is what I feel his attitude is boiling down to. I've told him that EVERY time I ever dare say anything which is in anyway a criticism of him or things he does (today he washed the coffee pot so that it wasn't really washed and then leaked coffee granules all over our DD's crockery on draining board and rather than saying- oh you haven't done this fully can you di it again? I instead muttered something about 'oh I think this might need to go in dishwasher instead' and shoved it in myself.) it 85% of time ends up in him being pissed off and angry at me, acting like a stroppy teenager OR he gives me the silent treatment for 24-36 hours.
I'm tired of it.
I've recently gone back to work and so cannot accommodate his immature responses and incompetent and lazy attempts at cleaning anymore and I've had it with NEVER being able to have a sensible conversation about this type of thing. AIBU? Should I just put up and shut up?
I said to him tonight that if I shared a kitchen with him at work I would be slagging him off behind his back because he is so grotty and untidy etc. so why the hell am I trying to put up with it at home.???

What annoyed me this evening is that DH very. very rarely EVER takes DD out on his own to do anything.

but he will take her out for long walks in good weather on his day off.

This is where you lost me... I don’t know what to think of your OP as it may not be the actuality of it but at least yo know what’s going on.

Also as someone with anxiety, I would have known at the time if that’s what was playing up and not just throw it in as a defence later.

The swearing at you etc only bothers me in front of DD but many of us have one off made the same mistake. On MN partners can never swear at each other or call each other names yet irl it’s pretty normal. Couples interviewed in tv/podcast own up to it, friends talk about it, shows use it as an example to make things real.

@MiddleClassProblem yes I agree that seems contradictory. Bear in mind though that that would be the only thing they would do that day. Prior to lockdown he would never take her to other activities which she would have loved (We know she loves them because muggins here would always take her there) e.g. soft play, swimming, a larger playground in a different town, the farm or community farm. I actually hate soft play and swimming but would go to them because my daughter loved them and got lots out of it. DH seems to only do things with DD that he also enjoys doing. I feel that once you're a parent your own needs and wants need to come after your child's. Not to a mega extreme but certainly when it comes to activities. I wouldn't expect him to do these activities all the time but at least once a month. Last night when I mentioned the playground and he said No I asked why not and he said: because I don't want to go there. I feel like this is his attitude generally to any activities he could take our daughter to do. He likes walking and seeing his family so that's all he will do with her outside the house.

OP, you have had one child with a child and are in what sounds like a toxic environment.

Good to read you have returned to work.
Bump up your supports and have a look at your finances.

I hope you have your contraception sorted.

Protect yourself and your poor daughter.

I agree with what others have said about the swearing at you and putting you down being the worst part.

The taking her to the park - obviously that doesn’t have to be what they do with their Sunday morning but his response struck me “you’ll be up to take over at 9am”. Almost like a warning for you not to expect to get a second over your allotted lie in. And as a pp said, he’s viewing it like a shift he wants to be relieved from.

I bet when you went to the park on Saturday morning it meant he got a longer lie in that just until 9, or at least some peace and quiet once he got up. He seems to be saying very clearly that he doesn’t want you to have that.

His leaving cups on the side etc are a ‘big fuck you’ and that domestic chores are not in his remit. He’ll do a half arsed job, then accuse you of nagging/being a perfectionist, just so it slowly becomes that you are responsible for everything.

And those saying you are nit picking , you simply suggested something not demanded he do it.

Also, why does he get to have 6 hours doing a hobby on a weekend (probably every weekend) and you are not given the same time?

He is not a good dad (I noticed that you backtracked OP, as the criticisms him was probably hard to read) and his behaviour is not okay.

#the criticism of him was hard to read.

I wouldn't have an issue re taking DD out before 9, but your DH's treatment of you is not OK. In your shoes I'd be questioning whether I wanted to continue in this marriage.