What do I do regarding this guy from work? We both have Aspergers.

[Honeybeexo]

(Autistic) guy from work still hasn’t added me (mildly autistic girl) online on social media platform. Despite a gentle reminder. What do I do now?

Don’t wanna go into too much detail incase I out myself, but I have been working for a charity shop part time for two or three weeks now, and seemed to hit it off in a perfectly innocent way with a lad who works there. We both have Aspergers, his seems to affect him more, I notice him tapping a lot and concentrating on little things like the tape dispenser and other bits. He also has a habit of taking over everything and not leaving much work for me to do unless I specifically ask him.

ANYWAY. I asked him if he had social media, he said generally not, but he did use a certain app. I downloaded it on my break, and gave him my detail to add me. Then I left my shift and went home.

He didn’t add me, I waited three days until my next shift and I went into the shop, and quite immaturely didn’t say much to him and got on with my work. He did greet me, and when the shop was empty I softened a bit, I was chatty and I asked him how come he didn’t add me. He said he slipped the number into his jeans pocket and when he got home he forgot. I told him half jokingly “if you don’t like me or like adding people out of work, it’s ok I understand”

And he gave me the thumbs up and said, “I do its just I was concentrating on other things like the till and the bus route and didn’t remember. If I didn’t want to add you, or I didn’t like you, i would tell you, I believe in being honest”

I made a joke about how maybe he will think different of me once he knows me, and he genuinely smiled and laughed. It seemed a little flirty and nice.

We both got back to work chatting about other things, but as he finished, and walked out the door I reminded him to add me, and he said he would.

Over 24 hours later and he hasn’t. I’m working again on Wednesday but I honestly feel a bit of an idiot and don’t think I should bring it up again. I’m disappointed too. After feedback on here I honestly don’t feel hugely comfortable about returning to work, but it’s important I do this volunteering to hopefully help me get a real job.

What would you do? Please don’t be harsh on me

Hi. I posted on the last thread and said be friendly but not friends.

I also notice that three of your replies have been like this I have been made to feel awful and angry at myself. You said replies have made you feel awful, the people here have made you feel bad. It's really important to understand that your feelings belong to you. If you feel bad, that's is how you feel. If you feel good, that is how you feel.

You are putting all the power in the hands of us, your colleague, your diagnosis. I know how easy is it is obsess or things. But no one on here really knows you. Neither does he. So learn to do a little trick. When someone on here says something (or in real life) you do a self-inventory. They say, "you're being silly". Then you think, "is that fair? Do I believe that is the case? What would someone neutral say about that? Do I actually value that opinion?" If you do, then maybe you need to think about change. If you don't, you can safely ignore them. Don't react immediately and emotionally.

Same with the situation at work. Rather than obsessing and feeling bad, think... is it OK that he hasn't added me? Yes it is. Is it OK that he said he would and didn't? That's harder. It's a professional relationship so actually he is probably being tactful so that's OK. How should I act? Professionally and nicely and for now not personally.

Speaking from experience, and as a fellow autistic person, I’d just act normal and don’t go on about it to him. Don’t make a big hooha about it. If you come on too strong and seem too intense, it puts men off. I found that out the hard way.

Also, it sounds like he does like you. I know we’re not great at reading people but I’d have thought that if he didn’t like you, he’d make it obvious if you know what I mean?

Hi Honeybee,
I know it's really difficult but please don't feel so sad. Try and concentrate on the positive things in your life. You have a job, that's amazing. You might feel like you haven't managed the social media situation very well but if it happens in the future you will know to only mention it once. You could build a friendship with this guy in other ways. Just try to be friendly with him - ask him how he's been, what has he been up to. Have you got any common interests you could talk about? He was probably feeling anxious about coming to work before but when he realises how relaxed and friendly you can be then he will begin to enjoy spending time with you.
Good luck

Hope MNHQ don't delete this one just because she wants it!!*

Really @Elderflower14 why?

@Honeybeexo

Thanks to the nice replies. Unfortunately I am still v upset and embarrassed so if I don’t post much on here again that’s why. Apologies.

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, honeybeexo, It’s the posters who have made quite unnecessary rude comments to you who should be feeling embarrassed. I think you should just stop thinking about the whole business now. Everything will be fine at work, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything for you to worry about and there’s no reason you shouldn’t become good friends with this boy over time (and make other friends too) if you just let things take their natural course.

@Alonetime because she had an identical post deleted yesterday as it was too identifying and then posted an identical thread....!

OP might be feeling humiliation. It’s one of the strongest feelings that autistic people feel and it’s awful. Last time I felt humiliated I was physically sick and shaking!

Some of the previous replies were horrible.

Usually posters like that are people who hide behind their screens being cruel because they actually have their own problems & dislike themselves.

I don't think so @Wrongdecider she asked for opinions and was bluntly given them.

because she had an identical post deleted yesterday as it was too identifying and then posted an identical thread....!

But so what @Elderflower14 ? A fellow MNer is struggling a bit. Isn't it ok for her to risk some vulnerability and then regret it and want some safety?

Just leave it, he may just not want to or have forgotten. If he’s not into SM much anyway then He won’t be bothered.

@Elderflower14

Why have you posted this again after you asked your post last night to be deleted?? Apparently it was too identifying so why for goodness have you reposted??? 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄

Gosh, are you this impatient with your autistic son?

@Illdealwithitinaminute

OP you have not done anything wrong so far. So far, you've asked and it hasn't happened. That's ok.

What would be wrong is to keep asking. It would also be wrong to ignore him or make him feel bad about not adding you.

The best thing you could do is to be friendly to him, say hi and chat if he seems keen, but don't ask again about social media as he could ask you if he genuinely has forgotten to do it.

What you have done so far is absolutely fine, people on mumsnet are just trying to help you with what to do next.

This is a fab post 👍🏻

@TwoCupsOfLemonTea No I'm not thankyou!! 😔 😔 😔 Just thought the OP might be setting herself up for more aggro if she reposted bearing in mind it was deleted originally as it was identifying...!

Op my son would lose the details five times over before remembering to add someone. He does things (or doesn't do things) that seem like such simple things and often won't give a reason. When he finally does it's always so much more complex in his mind than in mine.
He also uses Discord differently to his friends (and he actually can't tell usually who is actually his friend and who is a jerk - I can though and it bugs me). He will watch his friends play and watch his friends chat but he won't actually join in. Well to me he doesn't join in, he thinks he is joining in.
What I'm trying to say is there is probably more to it and it's likely got nothing to do with you as a person. You sound lovely.

I don't know if this is a possibility or not, but you've said he told you that he generally doesn't use social media and only has 1 app, which is mainly a gaming one.

I don't use the vast majority of social media apps and have 1 only under sufferance really, for photos from people abroad, that I rarely check. I don't feel very secure about accounts either from a data point of view or even a 'missing out' point of view as I refuse to be umbilically connected to it and do know that it would make me feel very left out, quite often. It's an unusual view these days but I know at least 1 other person (who is much more IT-savvy) who's the same. I think you might have more luck if you could bond over gaming? As that's the reason he uses the app he does.

several people have asked why OP has started another thread on the same topic that she had deleted.
but no reply.

What would you do?

Leave him alone. You've offered friendship, he'll either accept or carry on as colleagues.

You can't force a friendship or connection with someone else. It either happens or it doesn't, however much you want it too.