What do I do regarding this guy from work? We both have Aspergers.

[Honeybeexo]

(Autistic) guy from work still hasn’t added me (mildly autistic girl) online on social media platform. Despite a gentle reminder. What do I do now?

Don’t wanna go into too much detail incase I out myself, but I have been working for a charity shop part time for two or three weeks now, and seemed to hit it off in a perfectly innocent way with a lad who works there. We both have Aspergers, his seems to affect him more, I notice him tapping a lot and concentrating on little things like the tape dispenser and other bits. He also has a habit of taking over everything and not leaving much work for me to do unless I specifically ask him.

ANYWAY. I asked him if he had social media, he said generally not, but he did use a certain app. I downloaded it on my break, and gave him my detail to add me. Then I left my shift and went home.

He didn’t add me, I waited three days until my next shift and I went into the shop, and quite immaturely didn’t say much to him and got on with my work. He did greet me, and when the shop was empty I softened a bit, I was chatty and I asked him how come he didn’t add me. He said he slipped the number into his jeans pocket and when he got home he forgot. I told him half jokingly “if you don’t like me or like adding people out of work, it’s ok I understand”

And he gave me the thumbs up and said, “I do its just I was concentrating on other things like the till and the bus route and didn’t remember. If I didn’t want to add you, or I didn’t like you, i would tell you, I believe in being honest”

I made a joke about how maybe he will think different of me once he knows me, and he genuinely smiled and laughed. It seemed a little flirty and nice.

We both got back to work chatting about other things, but as he finished, and walked out the door I reminded him to add me, and he said he would.

Over 24 hours later and he hasn’t. I’m working again on Wednesday but I honestly feel a bit of an idiot and don’t think I should bring it up again. I’m disappointed too. After feedback on here I honestly don’t feel hugely comfortable about returning to work, but it’s important I do this volunteering to hopefully help me get a real job.

What would you do? Please don’t be harsh on me

You need to work on ways to make friends in lots of places,OP.

Just leave it. Talk to him at work

thread deleted
Message from MNHQ: The OP's grateful for the advice given on this thread but is concerned it could be a little outing. As it's a fairly short thread we've agreed to take it down..... This was the deletion message for your post from yesterday... You can't pick and choose how your posts are responded to!!!!

Hi there, I honestly think you have behaved absolutely fine, not too pushy. You joked around about him not adding you and he didn’t seem awkward. He may not have added you yet for so many different reasons. He might not even have visited the site since you last saw him. I agree with everyone saying not to mention it again, but please don’t be frosty with him. Just go in, enjoy work, be friendly and pleasant and hopefully your friendship will evolve organically - even in work hours only or outside work once you have got to know each other better. Don’t overthink things. Am sure everything is fine.

I'm sorry some posters have been harsh to you op. They don't seem to understand that being autistic, you don't necessarily see things in the same way they do.

Carry on chatting with him, but don't mention social media again

Friendships take time to build. You don´t just meet someone you get on with and then instantly become friends. I can understand that if you really want friends and haven´t many already it can be hard to take it slowly, but that is what you have to do. Forget social media, forget being friends outside of work. He is someone whose company you enjoy at work. So just stick with that for now. Chat with him and enjoy each other´s company. The friendship will come in time if it is meant to happen. What will not get you a friendship is trying to force it this early in getting to know each other.

Did you really have a thread pulled for being "outing" and immediately post the same thing again?

Just leave it otherwise it looks as though you are chasing. He knows where you are. Is it really that important to be added to anyone's social media?

I just thought it would be nice to talk out of work, and social was the first way I thought of. But it was a mistake and I am sorry.

Oh op you remind me of my daughter. Relationships and friendships can be difficult to navigate anyway but particularly if you have trouble reading social cues.

Just be friendly at work and professional and try not to mention the social media thing again. Friendships can take time to build. Don’t stress about it too much.

OP you have not done anything wrong so far. So far, you've asked and it hasn't happened. That's ok.

What would be wrong is to keep asking. It would also be wrong to ignore him or make him feel bad about not adding you.

The best thing you could do is to be friendly to him, say hi and chat if he seems keen, but don't ask again about social media as he could ask you if he genuinely has forgotten to do it.

What you have done so far is absolutely fine, people on mumsnet are just trying to help you with what to do next.

You have done nothing wrong.
You asked him to add you on social media. He didn't and when you reminded him he said he had forgotten. He still hasn't added you.
From this you can conclude that for whatever reason, he doesn't want to add you.
Therefore you now have to leave it. If you were to continue to ask/remind him to add you, then you would be crossing a line and being too pushy. It would be wrong to ask him again.

You do not need to ignore him at work either.
You simply continue as before, chatting to him as normal.

That is all you need to do.

I think people need to remember that the OP is also autistic and repetitive thinking/overthinking can be a facet of this alongside difficulty in interpreting social situations, communication, and initiating appropriate interactions.

Perhaps moderate your responses appropriately?

@Thisismytimetoshine Yup... I posted on the thread about 3am when I couldn't sleep, came back this morning and the post was deleted... Hope MNHQ don't delete this one just because she wants it!!

OP only a fortnight ago you were talking about quitting after your first day because of some other perceived minor issue with other colleagues, no?

I do mean this kindly - you need to stop thinking if running away as the default response after the slightest issue arises and be willing to work through discomfort. Any work place is going to have moments of tension or difficulty with colleagues or customers, it’s unrealistic to expect otherwise. If you’ve not really worked before this may not have been obvious to you.

If you can accept there will be some moments of tension, it is normal and that it is fine to get support when they arise, you will find transitioning into work easier. I wish you well.

Well done for making an effort to get to know someone a bit better!

When you've got Asperger's, making friends can be tricky and you were very brave in asking to connect with him on social media. Nothing wrong with that - lots of people do it.

If this guy hasn't added you, it's probably because he also feels awkward, not because he doesn't like you.

Just carry on being friendly with him at work and take your time getting to know him slowly. He will probably relax as he spends more time with you.

Good luck!

Can I ask if you have ever told him you have never had a friend before? If so you could be coming across as too eager.

What app is it? I only know of whatsap where you use the phone number to add people. I'm someone who downloaded it for a group chat I had to join but can't be bothered with it and would hate other people using it to chat to me.

I don’t like to keep thinking about my Aspergers and how it makes me different, I only got diagnosed a few years back and feeling different to everyone else makes me feel crap. I know it’s the case and I know it’s the reason I have no friends and such. But the responses here bar a handful have honestly made me feel very crap. I apologise for posting about it and won’t again.

No, he knows I’ve had exes and whatnot but I’ve never mentioned I had no friends

You haven't done anything wrong, there is no need to be sorry and no need to turn cold on him. You don't need to change how you act towards him, you don't need to do anything but stop talking about him adding you on social media.

Please don't feel bad about yourself for having Asperger's! I have a child with the condition and they have so many good qualities - but some social things can be tricky.

But people with Asperger's are also pretty smart and can easily learn to cope with social situations.

I'm sure you are a great person - don't give up! Keep smiling and chatting to this guy.

You are fixating on the social media issue, which as much as I understand, it's not helpful or a good idea. Try looking at it from his point of view. Maybe he's shy about chatting outside work, maybe he doesn't use SM that much, maybe he felt awkward saying he would rather not add you.

You didn't do anything wrong to ask, but now don't ask again. Be friendly, don't ignore him, he has done nothing wrong either

You don't have to ignore him at work. Just be friendly, as you were before, and let the friendship develop organically. I wouldn't read too much into whether he adds you to his social media or not. There could be dozens of reasons for that. If you enjoy chatting to him at work, keep doing that.

Navigating social interactions is difficult for everyone, even the NT. But for people with ASD it can be like being dropped into a country where everyone is speaking another language. I wish you the very best, OP. Don't give up.

Oh darling you have Aspergers.

You have difficulty reading & understanding social cues, and so does he, probably.

In the nicest possible way, please don't obsess about this guy adding you or not to social media.

It may happen, or it may not - but it doesn't reflect on you at all.

Try not to think about it, I know it's hard. And don't keep hassling him about it.

I just hate the label put on me (Along with many other medical labels like depression and epilepsy and addiction) and hate how it’s affected my life. I feel like I am trying hard to make friends but trying all the wrong ways, and I’ll never be able to get it right.