What do I do regarding this guy from work? We both have Aspergers.

[Honeybeexo]

(Autistic) guy from work still hasn’t added me (mildly autistic girl) online on social media platform. Despite a gentle reminder. What do I do now?

Don’t wanna go into too much detail incase I out myself, but I have been working for a charity shop part time for two or three weeks now, and seemed to hit it off in a perfectly innocent way with a lad who works there. We both have Aspergers, his seems to affect him more, I notice him tapping a lot and concentrating on little things like the tape dispenser and other bits. He also has a habit of taking over everything and not leaving much work for me to do unless I specifically ask him.

ANYWAY. I asked him if he had social media, he said generally not, but he did use a certain app. I downloaded it on my break, and gave him my detail to add me. Then I left my shift and went home.

He didn’t add me, I waited three days until my next shift and I went into the shop, and quite immaturely didn’t say much to him and got on with my work. He did greet me, and when the shop was empty I softened a bit, I was chatty and I asked him how come he didn’t add me. He said he slipped the number into his jeans pocket and when he got home he forgot. I told him half jokingly “if you don’t like me or like adding people out of work, it’s ok I understand”

And he gave me the thumbs up and said, “I do its just I was concentrating on other things like the till and the bus route and didn’t remember. If I didn’t want to add you, or I didn’t like you, i would tell you, I believe in being honest”

I made a joke about how maybe he will think different of me once he knows me, and he genuinely smiled and laughed. It seemed a little flirty and nice.

We both got back to work chatting about other things, but as he finished, and walked out the door I reminded him to add me, and he said he would.

Over 24 hours later and he hasn’t. I’m working again on Wednesday but I honestly feel a bit of an idiot and don’t think I should bring it up again. I’m disappointed too. After feedback on here I honestly don’t feel hugely comfortable about returning to work, but it’s important I do this volunteering to hopefully help me get a real job.

What would you do? Please don’t be harsh on me

Yes you will! You sound like a lovely person.

The important thing about making friends is that it's actually often easier if you don't try, just be open and friendly to people you meet and it will happen naturally.

@UntamedWisteria that’s what I thought I was doing, but I got it all wrong

Would you be able to add him on to the social media, rather than wait for him to add you?

I wouldn't get too hung up on it though. If you both get on well in person then that's a good sign. As you said, he likes to be honest so I imagine he would have told you if something were wrong.

Well you are right not to bring up the social media thing again at work.

Just continue to be friendly to the guy when you see him.

And don't worry there's no right or wrong way of doing things, everyone is different. Remember he probably struggles with this sort of thing too.

You sound lovely and It sounds like he is happy being your friend. Leave the social media it’s not important my best friend isn’t on any social media.

Back off, calm down!! And just take it as it comes.

Op I think a lot of people on here are interpreting this guy's actions as if he is NT. He isn't NT. He's autistic. My boys would absolutely intend to add someone on social media but lose the info/ not get round to it/ forget . Many autistic people are less disingenuous than NT people. If he was NT he would probably be lying to spare your feelings because he doesn't want to add you. As an autistic man he quite possibly isn't.

I would still tend to not mention it again unless he brings it up. If he does, just get his info and add him instead of the other way around.

He quite possibly doesn't use it much anyway. My DS has twitter and Facebook but barely uses either. You are much more likely to get him interacting online by playing computer games with him on a shared server or via discord.

@CulturallyAppropriatedName it was discord

You are doing all the right things to try and make friends. That makes you a brave person and someone to be admired.

Chat to as many people as you can in the charity shop - staff and customers. Ask unimportant questions and make small talk. Ask a colleague how long they've worked there, for example, or mention the weather to a customer. You'll gradually become more confident.

You might also find online groups for people with ASD - Facebook? That can also be a good way to practice social skills.

Wow, a lot of Mumsnetters seem to have absolutely no understanding of autism. You have to remember our brains do not think the same way yours do. I have had similar issues and it can be very difficult for those of us who aren't neurotypical to navigate.

You have done nothing wrong, OP. It's likely he has just genuinely forgotten - easy to forget things like this when feeling stressed about work/covid/every day life.

I wouldn't mention it again, but that doesn't mean ignoring him completely. Just try and focus on forming the friendship face to face rather than on social media.

Maybe he is just shy OP and the longer you work together he may open up a bit more

Also, ignore all of the idiots on this board - people are cruel here for literally no reason other than to make themselves feel better

@Honeybeexo sorry that you have had some harsh responses on here.

You haven’t done anything wrong at all, you progressed the friendship in a natural way. There are so many variables here, perhaps he forgot again or even lost your details and doesn’t know how to respond now. Perhaps he doesn’t use social as you said so it’s not at the forefront of his mind. Perhaps he’s not 100% comfortable with adding you yet. Either way, you needn’t throw the whole friendship away. Continue with your job and continue to be your normal friendly self without mentioning the social and see where it goes.

I am an autism support worker working with adults and I know it’s not easy to continue when you’ve got into this frame of mind, but keep trying. It’s worth it!

Please be kind to the OP. Autism makes life so difficult. Be kind, give gentle honest advice, but don't reply as though they think the way you do - assuming you're NT.
OP you just need to keep on being friendly, try to stop worrying about the social media and just let your work friendship develop for now. I feel for you and understand how raw you feel right now. Please keep going with your volunteering, it is really good experience for you in terms of moving towards paid employment. Good luck.

Do you have any hobbies or interests where you could join a real life or online group connected to them, to make friends? Sounds like he doesn’t really like to chat online but loads of people will want to chat to you. There are so many people out there who are lonely or just love making friends. X

My son has autism so I do understand.. Just don't think the OP is helping herself by reposting after thinking her first post was identifying!

Keep going to work as usual.. try not to let it affect you. Maybe just let it go and forget about it now... talk to him in a friendly way but not flirty.. maybe hes not interested in a romantic way and feels awkward x

[quote Honeybeexo]@CulturallyAppropriatedName it was discord[/quote]
Is he a gamer then?
Find out what he plays. Engage him in chat about it.

I have autism as well so I know how frustrating it is.

I also feel like this thread is tame compared to some threads. I have seen autistic posters torn to shreds on here if they don't understand something or do something wrong. It's happened to me quite a few times.

You need to back off; you’re being too intense. You’ve mentioned it multiple times to him now - why? You also seem to be taking it extremely personally that he hasn’t added you back.

Nobody’s saying don’t talk to him at all and focus only on the job; that would be very rude of you.

What we’re saying is don’t continually bring up the same issue; that’s not okay.

@spoons123

You are doing all the right things to try and make friends. That makes you a brave person and someone to be admired.

Chat to as many people as you can in the charity shop - staff and customers. Ask unimportant questions and make small talk. Ask a colleague how long they've worked there, for example, or mention the weather to a customer. You'll gradually become more confident.

You might also find online groups for people with ASD - Facebook? That can also be a good way to practice social skills.

Spoons has lovely advice for making links with NT people.

Don't talk about the weather or personal life with an autistic guy - often that kind of chat is perceived as banal and pointless. Talk about something of mutual interest. Facts, or computer games, or stupid jokes, or puns or wordplay. Whatever you both like. Not what you had for tea or how you are feeling about college or that sort of thing.

Please don't be angry with yourself.

Or cross with him.

My son is autistic so I see him go through this.

It's very hard because you don't often find people you feel comfortable to talk to. You have this with this bloke. So enjoy that. Enjoy it whilst your at work. That fine.

You don't need to be all or nothing. It doesn't need to be social media and work or no social media and no chatting at work.

My son finds chatting to friends at school fine. He can't chat to them outside because it's too much. He needs his home time to be at home without people coming into it when he doesn't expect it. So texting or ringing.

He will game online because he's in control when he's visable and online.

Chat at work. Be calm and friendly. Maybe set yourself some rules if this helps. My son is hopeless at actually having a meaningful conversation despite chatting for hours and often knows nothing about a person.

So maybe general chat and ask him 1 specific question a day. Simple ones. Like where did you grow up. Do you have any siblings. What's your favourite meal.

Just one question a day will give him a chance to see you like chatting to him, are interested in him and won't overwhelm him if he struggles with too much personal conversation.

Just leave it there for now. Maybe in a month or so you could suggest a coffee after work one day.

Please don't get cross with yourself though. If this doesn't come naturally for you you just have to learn. You can do that though. Just do it slowly until it becomes more natural.

Op remember he has autism too. You can't play games and blow hot and cold. You said on your last shift you didn't really speak to him (because you saw he hadn't added you to Whatsapp?) and you're planning to do the cold shoulder act again on him?

Try to put yourself in his shoes. He must feel confused and wonder why you're friendly one minute and cold ice queen the next minute! He won't have a clue why you're being like that.

Remember he probably has the same difficulties you do in making friends and interpreting things.

Why can't you just be friendly when you see him? You don't need to be on social media. And of course you should go back to work - just be pleasant and normal and don't mention social media again unless he does.