What do I do regarding this guy from work? We both have Aspergers.

[Honeybeexo]

(Autistic) guy from work still hasn’t added me (mildly autistic girl) online on social media platform. Despite a gentle reminder. What do I do now?

Don’t wanna go into too much detail incase I out myself, but I have been working for a charity shop part time for two or three weeks now, and seemed to hit it off in a perfectly innocent way with a lad who works there. We both have Aspergers, his seems to affect him more, I notice him tapping a lot and concentrating on little things like the tape dispenser and other bits. He also has a habit of taking over everything and not leaving much work for me to do unless I specifically ask him.

ANYWAY. I asked him if he had social media, he said generally not, but he did use a certain app. I downloaded it on my break, and gave him my detail to add me. Then I left my shift and went home.

He didn’t add me, I waited three days until my next shift and I went into the shop, and quite immaturely didn’t say much to him and got on with my work. He did greet me, and when the shop was empty I softened a bit, I was chatty and I asked him how come he didn’t add me. He said he slipped the number into his jeans pocket and when he got home he forgot. I told him half jokingly “if you don’t like me or like adding people out of work, it’s ok I understand”

And he gave me the thumbs up and said, “I do its just I was concentrating on other things like the till and the bus route and didn’t remember. If I didn’t want to add you, or I didn’t like you, i would tell you, I believe in being honest”

I made a joke about how maybe he will think different of me once he knows me, and he genuinely smiled and laughed. It seemed a little flirty and nice.

We both got back to work chatting about other things, but as he finished, and walked out the door I reminded him to add me, and he said he would.

Over 24 hours later and he hasn’t. I’m working again on Wednesday but I honestly feel a bit of an idiot and don’t think I should bring it up again. I’m disappointed too. After feedback on here I honestly don’t feel hugely comfortable about returning to work, but it’s important I do this volunteering to hopefully help me get a real job.

What would you do? Please don’t be harsh on me

Wow, a lot of Mumsnetters seem to have absolutely no understanding of autism.

Exactly this. As mum to a wonderful DC with ASD, I really wish people would bother to educate themselves a little about neurodiversity. We do not all think in the same way!

OP, I get it. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person. itsgettingweird’s advice is spot on IMO, so I’ve nothing to add to what they’ve said, except to wish you all the best

OP you are doing great and it sounds like he is already your friend.

My husband and father of our two children has Aspergers and he would not understand any of this conversation. We have been together for 7 years now but during that time he has: stated that he has no social media and doesn’t want it; started his own instagram account (he never posts but so he can follow my account to see my pictures of our kids, but not told me about it); promised to Like special photos of our kids so I know he cares, then never done it despite knowing it meant something to me; then ignored social media for months on end because he ‘forgot it existed’. Then later asked me if I use any social media 🙄. During the exact same period he has asked me to have his children, proposed, married me, asked for another child, bought houses with me, had the kids with me, and been a fantastic husband. I accept him just the way he is, and now I think maybe I had it wrong for caring whether he was engaged with my social media twattery.

If you can, I would forget about social media and continue to be a good friend to him at work. He clearly enjoys your company very much, but if he is like my husband then that will in no way influence his behaviour online.

But don't be too hard on yourself.You honestly haven't done anything drastic - just been a tiny bit over-enthusiastic (and we've all done that, especially when we were young!) If, as you say, he's autistic he might even prefer your up-front approach. Don't fret about it - and I hope you enjoy your volunteering.

I don't know it will give you any comfort, OP, but there are lots of us out there who don't have any friends, plenty of us without Asperger's or an ASD. We find it hard to make friends, too. You are not certainly alone.

You have no need to apologise for posting here.

LHR my ds finally downloaded WhatsApp. My mum dad and siblings have started sending him messages infrequently about things (he happy birthday)

They then WhatsApp me to tell me to tell him to check his phone

@Bella2020

I don't know it will give you any comfort, OP, but there are lots of us out there who don't have any friends, plenty of us without Asperger's or an ASD. We find it hard to make friends, too. You are not certainly alone.

You have no need to apologise for posting here.

Hear hear. I would always choose you as my friend, and I have no trouble making friends.

@itsgettingweird

LHR my ds finally downloaded WhatsApp. My mum dad and siblings have started sending him messages infrequently about things (he happy birthday)

They then WhatsApp me to tell me to tell him to check his phone

OMG my life in a sentence!!!! 😂 different planet! But kinda fabulous at same time. I like living with a different species.

@Honeybeexo Don't worry, it is easily fixable. Do this:

1. Just go to work and act totally normal like nothing happened.
2. Forget the social media. Him not adding you doesnt mean anything.
3. Let the worry go from your mind, don't feel bad or embarrassed or anything.

If you do the above three things, within a week, it will be like it didnt happen. xxx

Some of the posters on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. I bet they’re the same posters who, when someone posts to complain about child, immediately state that the child could be autistic and therefor people shouldn’t complain about them. Yet here they are, faced with a real life autistic person, and they’re being downright nasty.

People who don’t have autism have no idea about the social anxiety that comes with autism.

OP try not to worry. Don’t ignore him at work as that will really confuse him. Just carry on chatting as normal. Even if he turns out to only be a friend within work, he’s still a friend. There’s no need to quit your job over this and no need to stop posting on Mumsnet.

Maybe you could see if there’s an opportunity to do something after work like a coffee?

I just feel incredibly stupid, and due to a number of the replies on here, very upset. Had a bit of a cry although I appreciate there are some lovely replies, so thankyou to those

OP if it means anything, you are actually coming across on this thread as a really nice and likeable person (well that's what I am reading here anyway). You are being so nice, polite and calm with your responses. I wish I worked with more people like you. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better either

LHR definitely fabulously weird! But also I've learnt so much from my ds about what really matters. About not needing to always please other people if it doesn't work for me and it's ok to be honest and say I need timeout.

I long for the day that the words diverse and different are recognised as just being that and not less.

Don't beat yourself up OP. It sounds like the two of you were getting on well at work, so if you can, just continue that and don't push the social media thing. And good luck, many people get how much of a minefield social interactions can be.

You haven’t been stupid at all. Honestly, you haven’t. Not about your colleague or posting on here. I know it’s really difficult not to go over what’s happened over and over in your head but please stop worrying, you’ve done nothing wrong.

@Honeybeexo

I just feel incredibly stupid, and due to a number of the replies on here, very upset. Had a bit of a cry although I appreciate there are some lovely replies, so thankyou to those

I am sad that you are upset. I’ve had longer to deal with all this and I am NT so I guess easier for me (I’ve no idea because I know no different; my DH was the first man who I ever considered marrying and having a family with). If you asked DH about social media he would be baffled as he would rather SEE me or SPEAK to me versus some strange generic texting environment where anyone else can see our communication or what is shared. Meaningless and not a priority to him (he is a hugely successful businessman, so far from lacking, he just sees personal interaction in a pretty narrow vein. He treats his friends the same way.

I'm disgusted by some of these replies to the OP, it's clear alot of the posters know nothing about autism and should be ashamed of themselves.

My DP has aspergers, if it were him receiving such replies as those here he would internalize them and would be down on himself for days.

I have three loved ones with autism in my life and wouldn't dream of speaking to either of them like some of you have here. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Some of the posters on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. I bet they’re the same posters who, when someone posts to complain about child, immediately state that the child could be autistic and therefor people shouldn’t complain about them. Yet here they are, faced with a real life autistic person, and they’re being downright nasty

Absolutely this with bells on.

OP, you have done nothing wrong. I second an above poster in that you sound like a really pleasant and friendly person.

It sounds as though he is already your friend, and that's great, so let the friendship develop naturally and try to forget about the social media thing for now.

My DP has no social media (apart from discord for his games) and it's extremely rare he uses it. He abhors the back and forth of what he says are "pointless messages" but that's no reflection on his friends who he is extremely fond of

Hi, I have autism as well, probably a bit older than you but anyway - what I learned is that you have to really try hard when you're like us not to say exactly what you are thinking at any given moment. I think I've got better at it! You've got to stop mentioning the social media thing, sometimes I don't like to do that sort of thing because it's really stressful to communicate generally and I hate the idea of having to do more of it. So honestly, do the British thing of pretending it never happened, it's quite a useful thing. Good luck!

Try to ignore the upsetting replies. Thinking about them won't make you feel good.

Most of us on here can see that you're a great person who would make a good friend for anyone.

I agree about the nasty posters. Please stop doing it. It makes autistic people feel like they are horrible and useless and should never leave the house or talk to anyone again. I've lost count of times I've made a social mistake and someone was awful to me, it can trigger terrible feelings.

@Honeybeexo I have autism too. And I completely understand this scenario. My ex boyfriend has autism and we just clash all the time because of communication issues (mainly texts!). We were like two magnets repelling. My GP also has autism and it’s like talking to a brick wall on the phone when he calls me.

It IS hard. But you may find he responds to a handwritten note. A post it note - keep it simple. I have noticed that some men with autism see text and don’t process it. Yet they see handwriting and they do process it.

If you are ever brave enough to try one last time, write down your username & a smiley face on a post it note. Keep it very simple. And give it to him.

PS my GP is amazing and my ex boyfriend and I are still good friends. Once you crack the communication puzzle - anything can happen

Good luck

I agree with @Mangofandangoo completely OP.

I agree with those saying that you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s really hard to navigate social relationships and I think that social media was a great way to go.

There are so many things that could be going on. For example, if he’s giving signs that he is having to find ways to manage the environment and concentrate really hard on what he is doing, he may not be in a place where he is able to retain the other things that you talk about. Usually to be able to socially interact in a positive way, people need to be emotionally well regulated and perhaps he isn’t. He may not necessarily be able to think that what he has done/not done may upset you because he isn’t that interested in social media. He may also have an underdeveloped theory of mind (the ability to think about how other people may perceive a situation). I say may in all these instances because it isn’t definitely the case, it’s just me throwing out ideas in the hope that you are able to see no mistakes were made. On either side!!

I think suggesting social media was a good idea but just because it hasn’t worked, doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in being friendly and enjoying your company. Please don’t give up talking to him, just continue as you were and accept that social media just wasn’t the way to go. Allow some time to pass to get to know each other better, there may be another way to connect outside of work but you won’t know if you shut down

Also autistic, I have huge anxiety over friendships and will agonise does unreasonable amounts of time about what I said or did in any given scenario. The things I try to remember when I’m in a situation where I would like to make friends (but often forget!) are:

1. Smile and make eye contact even if it feels weird!
2. Answer questions and share information but a little less than you want to (I try to remember that most people are asking these questions to be polite, they may not really be that interested).
3. (The hardest one for me!) Remember to ask questions back - as a pp said, they should be light and not too personal before you have established a real connection. Remember some key information they tell you so that...
4. Next time you see them, follow up on something they told you e.g. you had nice weather for your picnic on Saturday didn’t you? How did it go? - I had to really concentrate hard to remember to do this at first but it comes much more naturally now and I find the follow on conversations genuinely interesting.

I am the opposite to you (and maybe like the boy you like) in that I feel really anxious around social media. I barely post anything for fear of being judged or laughed at and never add anyone new. All my fb friends added me and I think they must all wonder why they bothered since I never post anything! I do always tell them that if they ask how to find me though! I’m fine with anonymous forums like this one or personal things like WhatsApp. I just feel like my life is far too boring for anyone to be interested in it on Facebook!!

Hi OP

I have Aspergers too and I know what it's like to obsess over things like this! Please try not to worry and don't take too many of these responses to heart. Lots of people have no idea about autism and are looking at your situation from an NT perspective.

Try and put it out of your mind and just be yourself at work. If he's a nice guy you'll be able to be friends anyway!

Thanks to the nice replies. Unfortunately I am still v upset and embarrassed so if I don’t post much on here again that’s why. Apologies.