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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of all the boy bashing threads?

114 replies

Prettybluepigeons · 05/09/2020 12:07

Angry Honest to god, if I have to read one more thread from someone feeling 'sad or ' so disappointed ' that they are unfortunate enough to be be carrying a healthy male child, I will go pop! Ffs! Can you Imagine if it was the other way round and there were loads of threads expressing disappointment at girls?

Never getting to go shopping/for spa days/be a mother of a bride! So fucking what!!

Be thankful for what you get and create the relationship you want!

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2020 13:41

It evens itself out with threads like these where everyone talks about how crap girls are and people would be gutted to have a daughter because boys are so lovely and cuddly and protective and amazing and girls are all full of period rage and bitchy 🤷‍♀️

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/09/2020 13:42

That’s very easy for you to say though, @bedjolly. You wanted a boy and got him.

Keratinsmooth · 05/09/2020 13:42

I can’t have any more children, when I was trying for a much longed for second child I was terrified of having a boy, Obviously I would have absolutely adored him However they seem so much harder to parent. My friends with boys are really struggling and at this young age the behaviour of the boys really stands out, mums seem to expect less good behaviour from boys. When girls get older I’m sure the table will turn and I’m a bit concerned about teen years.

WhateverThePace · 05/09/2020 13:43

EDSGFC

The underlying reasons: could be cultural. Western culture seems to value girls more? Almost like an exclusive club, having a daughter. If you have a boy everyone seems to expect you to want a girl next.
Girls are often dressed in beautiful outfits, treated differently by society right from babyhood. If a boy is being too boisterous in a toddler group or snatches from a girl he gets told off. Vice versa the girl is described as ‘spirited’ or ‘sparky’ or ‘adventurous’.

People seem to admire girl babies more, stop to chat to you, congratulate you.

Yet in many other cultures it’s the opposite!

My friend is pregnant with her 4th boy and desperately hoped for a girl. Her 3 boys are all hyper and a bit wild. She’s cried on my shoulder about not having the daughter she always dreamed of. Why would I judge her?

bedjolly · 05/09/2020 13:43

@Awwlookatmybabyspider and my partner wanted a girl but you didn't see him being disappointed!

PeapodBurgundy · 05/09/2020 13:43

I have one of each, and I completely agree with @HelplessProcrastinator. The amount of people who think and voice their assumption that I've stopped having children because my second is a girl.

I secretly wanted my first to be a boy, for the sole reason I typically find little boys easier to manage than little girls, so as a first time Mam, I'd have felt less daunted. I'd not have been disappointed with a girl in the slightest.

With my second I didn't mind either way. Yes I was excited when I found out I was expecting a girl, but I'd still have been excited for another boy.

After multiple losses, I'm over the moon to have two children at all, even more so that they're both healthy! People assuming I feel DS is inferior to DD, and that DD completed our family based on her gender boils my piss.

That being said, those are MY feelings, about MY children. I wouldn't think less of somebody for feeling otherwise about their offspring. You can't help the way you feel. People could have a multitude of reasons for craving a particular gender.

A healthy baby is of course important, but that doesn't invalidate any other feelings we may have about our offspring. It's the same as minimising the effects and impact of birth trauma. It still seems commonplace to expect women to accept anything that happened during labour and birth, because their baby is alive. I'm not disputing that a healthy Mam and baby are the most important things, but that doesn't mean that the mental health, comfort and choices of the mother should be ignored.

Flaggyyyyyy · 05/09/2020 13:44

It's all just a load of shit though isn't it because as I said people were absolutely raging about the thread the other week where mothers of boys were asked to share their lovely experiences of having boys. Then it was apparently completely opposite on MN, everyone hates girls and daughters blah blah blah.

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 05/09/2020 13:44

@Namechangearoo

What a nasty thread. Have the balls to comment on the original thread that annoyed you and don’t be so PA.

My daughter was stillborn and when I found out I was pregnant again, I was absolutely desperate for another girl. I know I’d have had a really hard time coming to terms with a boy (I already have one lovely DS). So it’s definitely not just about “being grateful for a healthy baby”, that goes without saying. The feeling of gender disappointment is real and uncontrollable, so to be so horrible about it is small-minded. Just because you haven’t felt it doesn’t mean people who do are lesser.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I really hope that OP wasn't referring to people who have experienced stillbirth. Most of the gender disappointment threads are about vacuous things. I totally understand your wish for a girl. Flowers
gumball37 · 05/09/2020 13:45

My daughter eats her boogers and laughs when she farts... Doesn't seem to me that there is much different🤣🤣🤣

gumball37 · 05/09/2020 13:45

*difference

AnnikaStranded · 05/09/2020 13:45

God I wish people would stop saying "girlie"!

AnnikaStranded · 05/09/2020 13:47

I really hope that OP wasn't referring to people who have experienced stillbirth

Of course they weren't!

OhMsBeliever · 05/09/2020 13:48

I never had a preference when I was pregnant and ended up with 5 boys. Not because I was desperately trying for a girl, I just wanted a big family.

So I've never been disappointed but I've had plenty of people be disappointed for me, and make comments about how I should send my baby back, and how disappointed I must be about my precious newborn etc. Which is really fucking rude talking about someone's baby like that. Family and complete strangers!

I'm not a particularly "feminine" woman, more of a slob around in jeans and t-shirts type, no make up etc.

But then some would say my boys aren't particularly "masculine" as they are bookworms and don't enjoy sport.

All I know is that they are all bloody great young men, and I can't say I've ever felt I've missed out by not having daughters.

PCol · 05/09/2020 13:48

Her 3 boys are all hyper and a bit wild

But they're like that because of their parenting style/practices and possibly a bit of genetics, not because they are boys.

I have boys at both ends of the spectrum. One is lively and boisterous, has loads of friends and will chat to anyone and somewhat hyper, to the extent the school made noises about ADHD at one point. Another is quiet and introspective and spends a lot of time in his room and mainly talks to me and a few friends. Same parents, same household, sales schools, same parenting rules and style.

As others have said, personality/genetics, which is largely luck of the draw, is a much, much bigger factor in the type of child you have than male or female.

gumball37 · 05/09/2020 13:48

@PeapodBurgundy

I have one of each, and I completely agree with *@HelplessProcrastinator*. The amount of people who think and voice their assumption that I've stopped having children because my second is a girl.

I secretly wanted my first to be a boy, for the sole reason I typically find little boys easier to manage than little girls, so as a first time Mam, I'd have felt less daunted. I'd not have been disappointed with a girl in the slightest.

With my second I didn't mind either way. Yes I was excited when I found out I was expecting a girl, but I'd still have been excited for another boy.

After multiple losses, I'm over the moon to have two children at all, even more so that they're both healthy! People assuming I feel DS is inferior to DD, and that DD completed our family based on her gender boils my piss.

That being said, those are MY feelings, about MY children. I wouldn't think less of somebody for feeling otherwise about their offspring. You can't help the way you feel. People could have a multitude of reasons for craving a particular gender.

A healthy baby is of course important, but that doesn't invalidate any other feelings we may have about our offspring. It's the same as minimising the effects and impact of birth trauma. It still seems commonplace to expect women to accept anything that happened during labour and birth, because their baby is alive. I'm not disputing that a healthy Mam and baby are the most important things, but that doesn't mean that the mental health, comfort and choices of the mother should be ignored.

I have boy, girl, boy... The amount of people that commented I could be now as I had "one of each" was really cumbersome.
Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 05/09/2020 13:48

@Keratinsmooth

I can’t have any more children, when I was trying for a much longed for second child I was terrified of having a boy, Obviously I would have absolutely adored him However they seem so much harder to parent. My friends with boys are really struggling and at this young age the behaviour of the boys really stands out, mums seem to expect less good behaviour from boys. When girls get older I’m sure the table will turn and I’m a bit concerned about teen years.
What on earth are you on about? I have a son and people are forever commenting on what an easy child he is. As for expecting poorer behaviour, that's just crap parenting (and not just by the mums, fgs).

You should speak to my sister about her high maintenance daughter. Or to my friend about her daughter, who never stops.

It is nothing to do with sex!

Monkeynuts18 · 05/09/2020 13:50

Personally, I think it’s subconscious compensating - a backlash against centuries and centuries of open preference for sons in virtually all cultures.

Prettybluepigeons · 05/09/2020 13:53

This isn't about that specific thread, it's about the multiple threads on here stating disappointment because a child is male. There is at LEAST one a week! The other week there was one pondering " will a boy ever be enough?"

Perhaps low expectations of males right from before birth are the reason there are so many toxic males in our society? If we expect that boys will be badly behaved as children and then abandon family relationships as adults, then they will fulfill these expectations?
Our children are equally valuable and should not be brought into the world all set up to fulfill some bollocks gender stereotypes.

I do wonder whether the ability to know the sex before birth is a good thing. Far harder to feel disappointment when you have a warm, wriggling live baby in your arms.

OP posts:
Flaggyyyyyy · 05/09/2020 13:54

This isn't about that specific thread

Course it isn't.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2020 14:00

How about you don't start threads about pregnant women who are struggling with their mental health and posting to try and get help?

All you have done here is make people who are struggling feel bad, got people to start saying how girls are a bit shit, and potentially stopped someone struggling posting for help.

Just because you don't understand a feeling, it doesn't mean it isn't real, and the people who post want to come to terms with it, and are asking for help.

I've never understood gender disappointment, the same as I have never understood feeling suicidal, or depressed, because I've never felt those things, but that doesn't mean the feeling isn't valid, and real, and can be overcome with support.

You should maybe get a bit of empathy.

WellThisWentWell · 05/09/2020 14:00

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

It evens itself out with threads like these where everyone talks about how crap girls are and people would be gutted to have a daughter because boys are so lovely and cuddly and protective and amazing and girls are all full of period rage and bitchy 🤷‍♀️

-This 💯

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 05/09/2020 14:11

@WellThisWentWell

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

It evens itself out with threads like these where everyone talks about how crap girls are and people would be gutted to have a daughter because boys are so lovely and cuddly and protective and amazing and girls are all full of period rage and bitchy 🤷‍♀️

-This 💯

Find me even one comment from this thread that says boys are preferable?
DeliciouslyFemale · 05/09/2020 14:12

Perhaps low expectations of males right from before birth are the reason there are so many toxic males in our society? If we expect that boys will be badly behaved as children and then abandon family relationships as adults, then they will fulfill these expectations?
Our children are equally valuable and should not be brought into the world all set up to fulfill some bollocks gender stereotypes.

In other words, it’s women’s fault when men do bad things. Aye right. Hmm

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 05/09/2020 14:13

There are a few negative comments about hormonal girls, but it's hardly what everyone is saying...

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2020 14:28

Letmegetthisrightasawoman I said thread like these, not this thread particularly, although it has started now.

I was referring to threads such as this

There is just as much 'girl bashing' on MN.