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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children mustn't see grandparents until vaccine found?

551 replies

Witterywoman · 04/09/2020 14:05

Now that the kids are back at school, SIL has said her kids must isolate from both sets of grandparents in case they give them Covid picked up at school, and this must continue until a vaccine is found. All 4 grandparents are over 70 but healthy, no health conditions to speak of. My parents are particularly upset and don't understand it. I don't get it either and don't intend to stop them seeing my kids.

Are we missing something?

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 10:15

Wouldn’t want. Apologies. Pretty important distinction.

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 10:16

An agreement has to be made between the generations that is acceptable to ALL sides.

But what you’re suggesting is acceptable to you, but not them. Again, putting you first.

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 10:20

And guilt would also be evoked by preventing contact with grandparents for months/years. What if they die of something else in the meantime.

So parents should manage their own emotions and grandparents should get to decide for themselves the degree of risk they take.

BramblyHedge · 05/09/2020 10:21

My in-laws haven't seen us at all since December and won't until this is over. We just Skype alot. We did hope to see them in the summer if we isolated before but didn't happen. My parents are happy to do what is allowed (e.eg. visit for coffee) but I may suggest we ramp is down now school has started. However for both we feel it is up to them to decide.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 10:22

They’re not children, so you don’t get to decide for them. That’s infantilising

I think you will find they ARE my children.

Guilt is your emotion to manage

Yes and I will manage that by not putting anyone in danger, and being careful thanks.

over riding their desires because you can’t manage your feelings strikes me as pretty selfish actually

My mother is far more afraid of covid than I am, just for what its worth there is no way she would want us to hug her! But even if she did, I wouldn't because at this point in time I can't be sure that we are not infected/asymptomatic and why would I put her at risk for no reason.

I am sorry but you are really projecting on here. People can make up their own minds. Most families have already come to agreements and consensus about what feels right and comfortable to them, this will vary from area to area depending on infection, personal risk, health issues and exposure.

It is not for you to insist we all ignore the advice of SAGE and other experts that are far more informed than you!

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 10:28

I think you will find they ARE my children.

I mean your parents. They’re not children, don’t treat them as such.

I am sorry but you are really projecting on here. People can make up their own minds.

I totally agree, where we differ is that I believe grandparents wishes over ride parents inability to manage emotions.

It sounds like you and your parents are aligned thankfully.

But if people are preventing grandparents from seeing grand children if they desperately want to, because they can’t deal with ‘guilt’ that’s both patronising and selfish.

How will they deal with the guilt if grandparents die of something else entirely and were denied a much wanted source of comfort and joy in the last years of their lives?

Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 10:31

Or they might live for another 20 years plus if they remain covid free! thekeating

LittleBearPad · 05/09/2020 10:31

They’re not children, so you don’t get to decide for them. That’s infantilising

Clearly this relates to grandparents/the elderly not your children.

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 10:35

Or they might live for another 20 years plus if they remain covid free!

They might. Might now. Who knows?

Point is, their life to decide what risks they take.

LittleBearPad · 05/09/2020 10:36

@Friendsoftheearth

Or they might live for another 20 years plus if they remain covid free! thekeating
Covid isn’t the only bad thing that can happen to people.

The massive decrease in people going to doctors in the last six months is having significant negative impacts on cancer diagnoses and outcomes.

Your cantering of Covid as the only thing to worry about - the thing that everything possible should be done to avoid catching - comes with its own costs that may have worse outcomes than catching Covid.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 10:45

We all get to decide what we feel is right, one person's 'need' does not trump another. My need not to feel guilt or worry about my parents is just as valid as their wish to hug their gc.

You are suggesting you can do what you like, and we will all have to live with the outcome. I fundamentally disagree with you on this thekeating

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LittleBearPad · 05/09/2020 10:58

We all get to decide what we feel is right, one person's 'need' does not trump another.

This isn’t true. Social norms dictate a lot of what is determined to be right and on certain occasions one persons need does trump another’s. This has been amply shown throughout Covid where health risks to vulnerable typically older people have been placed above the economic needs of younger people with catastrophic impacts on the economy.

My need not to feel guilt or worry about my parents is just as valid as their wish to hug their gc.

No, you have determined your need is of greater importance thereby validating your need at the expense of others.

You are suggesting you can do what you like, and we will all have to live with the outcome. I fundamentally disagree with you on this thekeating

That’s not what has been said at all.

FluffyKittensinabasket · 05/09/2020 11:02

Well my parents are in their 60s and will be doing childcare for me! Hard to look after a child when you can’t physically see it.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 11:04

You missing the point, many people simply don't want to hug anyone, granny or not! I don't have to hug people, nor do my children, it is our right to avoid this if we want to.

I think you might be two people keating I am not sure why you are finding my messages so difficult to understand.

We won't be hugging anyone old or not. We won't be meeting up with anyone inside old or not. Our risks have gone up drastically with a return to school and work, and the last thing I want to see is a second wave. So you can do what you like, we will be following the rules and being extra careful as we see fit. I am lucky to have dp that feel the same, but we would be doing this regardless.

Mittens030869 · 05/09/2020 11:05

I actually think both sides here are being selfish. On the one hand, it is patronising to make assumptions about what is best for someone who has been alive for many years longer than you have. I agree that this is selfish.

OTOH, if you do die of Covid (as unlikely a scenario as that is) your children and grandchildren will be the ones left behind with their guilt, which will be magnified by the grief they're feeling. Another factor at play here is that although, yes there are other things people can die of, Covid patients die alone and their loved ones don't see them face to face again. You only have to watch the interviews on the news to know how harrowing that is for the families left behind.

Another interesting thing I note, normally grandparents are told that they can't insist on grandchildren hugging them. A child should know that it's their choice whether they should consent to be hugged or not. But suddenly this is no longer the case?

We have elderly relatives; my DM and MIL are 81 and 79 respectively and we saw my DH's aunt and uncle yesterday, who my DDs are very close to. We also saw my DM recently. We socially distanced because to us and to them the advice is there for a reason.

It's down to individual families to decide this together. And not everyone feels the same. When we saw my DSis and her family we did exchange hugs. (I had recently tested negative so I knew I was safe.)

amicissimma · 05/09/2020 11:09

"that I have no intention of living with the guilt for the rest of my days if one of my teens or I infect either of my elderly and fragile parents! Not a chance in hell."

Well, that's good. Provided you don't have to feel guilt everything's fine.

Too bad if your elderly and fragile parents succomb to something else before you decide that enough people have been vaccinated to keep them safe, and didn't get a hug for the last months, or probably years.

What if one of them goes and the other's left alone. Too bad? No hugs so you don't have to feel guilty?

MrsMayo · 05/09/2020 11:11

Friendsoftheearth

Have you got young children? (I have read the thread) so sorry as I must have missed it. Are you not eating out at restaurants or seeing anyone outside of your household?

amicissimma · 05/09/2020 11:12

I'm not saying I don't think it's fine if both sides agree, but as someone who (used to) work with the elderly, I find that this attitude that it's OK to abandon them to solitude to avoid risking feeling guilt oneself abhorent.

wigglebox · 05/09/2020 11:12

Ahh for crying out loud, total insane overreaction, sounds like ur sis in law is one of those dictator type persons and using covid as excuse to do whatever she wants.. Am curious to know, why is this not the grandparents decision seeing as they are they ones who may contract covid 🙄seriously, people need to get a grip, couldn't cope with her now in our lives

PerveenMistry · 05/09/2020 11:13

@Friendsoftheearth

You missing the point, many people simply don't want to hug anyone, granny or not! I don't have to hug people, nor do my children, it is our right to avoid this if we want to.

I think you might be two people keating I am not sure why you are finding my messages so difficult to understand.

We won't be hugging anyone old or not. We won't be meeting up with anyone inside old or not. Our risks have gone up drastically with a return to school and work, and the last thing I want to see is a second wave. So you can do what you like, we will be following the rules and being extra careful as we see fit. I am lucky to have dp that feel the same, but we would be doing this regardless.

Thank you for your sense and caution. If everyone were like your family we could tamp down a second wave.

nosswith · 05/09/2020 11:14

Not an easy one. I have long maintained that we undervalue the part that grandparents can bring to the life of children and I would have been upset if I could not have visited them for a long period of time whilst I was growing up.

I'd be meeting them in a socially distant way, which would sadly only be for a short period each time, were I in the OPs SILs shoes.

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 11:15

I find that this attitude that it's OK to abandon them to solitude to avoid risking feeling guilt oneself abhorent.

Yes, I agree. I find it horrifying,

TheKeatingFive · 05/09/2020 11:17

I think you might be two people keating I am not sure why you are finding my messages so difficult to understand.

You’ve lost me totally now. Why would I be two people?

LittleBearPad · 05/09/2020 11:22

I assume @TheKeatingFive that she is accusing you and I assume me of sockpuppeting because it’s impossible that two people could have similar viewpoints contradicting hers.

Happy to ask MNHQ to confirm we aren’t @Friendsoftheearth.