To share this with a family member?

[gracelandia]

I've recently started seeing a really lovely bloke. He's 38 and I'm 32. He's really great and I can see things working out between us.

He told me on the second date about a health problem he has. Very, very personal but could also impact upon me.

My first thought was that I wanted to seek advice from a certain family member who is very non judgemental, we are very close, and he knows a lot about this specific health issue as he works in that field and has a friend who had a the same problem.

I have a niggling feeling though that it's not right to share something so personal about someone and haven't said anything.

I really want to discuss it with someone but feel out of respect I can't.

Would it be ok to share? Or absolute no no?

Argh! Don't know what to do!

If this can have an effect on your health and wellbeing then it is very personal to you, talk to your family member confidentially.

In ordinary non-covid circumstances I would suggest you discuss it with your GP.

@Gindrinker43 this family member would never tell a soul. I trust him with my life. I just have a horrible feeling that it's wrong to disclose something so personal about someone. I'm in such turmoil about it!

@bluecoffeecups this family member is a doctor. I'm not sure my GP could give me the type of opinion and honest discussion I'm looking for or need.

Do not share with your family member. It is a huge breach of trust. If you were my partner and did such a thing without telling me and I found out I would end the relationship without question.

Depending on the severity and nature of the consequences to you you need either to seek professional help (not friends or family) or just research the condition a bit more.

I think it depends on what the issue is and how it might effect you?

If it's something like a medical condition that may make conceiving difficult in the future or a disease he may past to you then I think it would be wise to discuss it with someone.

Share. It’s impacting your opportunity for a future relationship; so it’s important. And you seem confident your friend won’t tell anyone.

@OrigamiOwl

I think it depends on what the issue is and how it might effect you?

If it's something like a medical condition that may make conceiving difficult in the future or a disease he may past to you then I think it would be wise to discuss it with someone.

It's the second one. I don't think I need to go in to details. But poster above has same kind of thoughts as me. Hmm.

If it can impact your health my first thoughts are going to something sexually transmitted and no you absolutely can’t share that. Even if not: What happens if this man then becomes your long term partner and your family member knows an intimate detail about him he wouldn’t want to share, that would be horrible for them both.

I don't think I need to go in to details
It would help if you did.

It’s not a question of “trusting with your life”. That is an overly dramatic and pointless thing to say. It is about observing your partner’s privacy and right to agency over dissemination of their own personal information. It is irrelevant that you trust your family member. The point is that the information is not yours to share.

@user1473878824

If it can impact your health my first thoughts are going to something sexually transmitted and no you absolutely can’t share that. Even if not: What happens if this man then becomes your long term partner and your family member knows an intimate detail about him he wouldn’t want to share, that would be horrible for them both.

I think you're right. Think I'm going to see if there's a charity that can help me out.

Presumably it's an STI or similar?

How certain could you be that they wouldn't disclose it to any of your other relatives? Why wouldn't you speak to a health professional in another context?
Are you trying to understand how it might impact you? If so there are other ways to get that information.

Could you speak to your family member as though you are asking 'for a friend' and ask where they would recommend your friend goes for more info/advice?

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

It’s not a question of “trusting with your life”. That is an overly dramatic and pointless thing to say. It is about observing your partner’s privacy and right to agency over dissemination of their own personal information. It is irrelevant that you trust your family member. The point is that the information is not yours to share.

I agree. I'm glad I started this thread. I'm not going to share this info with anyone. Thanks for talking sense in to me.

I think you need to ask the guys permission; explain your reasons and hopefully he will understand but don’t tell anyone without his permission. If it comes out at any point in the future he will never trust you.

If he's HIV positive, no, I really don't think you can share that. Have you looked up charities and helplines which might be able to help? There has got to be a better way of finding out what you need to?

X post!

OP, if it is something like HIV there will be loads of professionals completely separate from you both, like you say, a charity or similar. If it is something that impacts you can you talk to DP, reassuringly, about wanting to know more and just get your head around things and maybe he can point you in the right direction?

@SonEtLumier that's what I thought also!

I mean, how can people possibly decide whether yabu or not based on the minimal information available?

You really do need to give a bit more information

Sorry, as @BigBlondeBimbo said

I really don’t get everyone trying to force the OP to tell them what it is, she’s already worried about telling a close family member, why would she put it on a forum?!

@BrimFullOfAsher

I mean, how can people possibly decide whether yabu or not based on the minimal information available?

You really do need to give a bit more information

I don't think I do. It's something he could pass on to me and it would then affect my life. I don't think anyone needs anymore detail than that. Actually, I think the fact that I'm not even comfortable sharing it on the internet to strangers just solidifies my thoughts that it isn't something I should share with a family member!