To share this with a family member?

[gracelandia]

I've recently started seeing a really lovely bloke. He's 38 and I'm 32. He's really great and I can see things working out between us.

He told me on the second date about a health problem he has. Very, very personal but could also impact upon me.

My first thought was that I wanted to seek advice from a certain family member who is very non judgemental, we are very close, and he knows a lot about this specific health issue as he works in that field and has a friend who had a the same problem.

I have a niggling feeling though that it's not right to share something so personal about someone and haven't said anything.

I really want to discuss it with someone but feel out of respect I can't.

Would it be ok to share? Or absolute no no?

@user1473878824

I really don’t get everyone trying to force the OP to tell them what it is, she’s already worried about telling a close family member, why would she put it on a forum?!

Thank you

I feel bad now that I even considered sharing this.

Don’t feel bad. You didn’t share it and it’s something that could impact your health. It’s understandable and I probably would have shared it without thinking!

It does sound like the sort of thing you can research online, anonymously. There may be a special forum for partners of people with this condition, whatever it is.

What a decent thing of OP’s new partner to do. Sounds like he already has a good deal of respect for her and is prepared to do the right thing as well. Sounds promising @gracelandia, hope it all works out!

Playing devil's advocate, he told you about it on the second date. That tells me that he is probably fairly open about it.

Not saying that means you should definitely tell your relative all about it, but also, no sense in scolding yourself for instinctively thinking about turning to someone you trust and just happens to be very knowledgeable about the subject.

If it's that he's HIV positive, as others have said, you absolutely cannot share that with other people. It would be a huge betrayal of trust. Have a look on the Terrence Higgins trust site for more information.

@BananaPop2020

What a decent thing of OP’s new partner to do. Sounds like he already has a good deal of respect for her and is prepared to do the right thing as well. Sounds promising *@gracelandia*, hope it all works out!

Absolutely. I've not known him that long but I was incredibly grateful and felt very privileged to know something so deeply personal about him so soon.

To be honest, if I was really into someone, could see a future with them and there were ways to manage the situation, I would go for it. Whatever you choose to do, all the best 😀.

He really does seem very very awesome

I would speak to your partner to explain why it would be helpful to you to be able to share it with this particular person & how deeply you trust them. If they are comfortable then you can do it with a clear conscience & if not can talk through options for you to get the support you feel you need.

You don't have to say what it is but I'm just saying that if it is HIV then conceiving would still be possible if he is taking his medicin regularly and his viral load is zero. If that is the case then he cannot infect you at that time. I would however encourage you to be at his/a medical appointment to discuss that prior to conceiving,

If it's a different problem then discuss it with a doctor. There might be options or treatments available.

can you try a sexual health helpline? If it is HIV we are talking about its still got a scary stigma attached but it may not impact you as much as you think. With correct treatment people can keep the virus so low its no longer a threat to their health and they can even have children as it can't be passed on. If anyone wants to dispute that I do recommend you check the facts before you come at me. U=U. Look it up.

I can see both sides. Of course you absolutely need to respect your partner's privacy but at the same time there are things that are private to my partner that I share occasionally with a close friend or family member because I need to talk about it. Once you are a couple the things that are private to your partner can have a huge effect on you and not being able to talk about that AT ALL could have a very negative effect on you.
A helpline or some other confidential and anonymous service is a good idea if one is available for the problem

It's just not something I know much about and I guess I felt I needed to discuss it with someone knowledgeable and who I trust. That was my logic anyway.

NO! I am amazed you're even thinking of discussing someone else's private business with anyone else, however much you trust them.

Well could be AIDS or simlar but i don't think so, there is a illness disease, syndrome Huntingdons Cholrea somehting or t' other cant remeber the exact name now but its very similar?..

@TorgosPizza

Playing devil's advocate, he told you about it on the second date. That tells me that he is probably fairly open about it.

Not saying that means you should definitely tell your relative all about it, but also, no sense in scolding yourself for instinctively thinking about turning to someone you trust and just happens to be very knowledgeable about the subject.

I don't think he's that open about it. I think it was more the case that if I had an issue with it he just wanted to know as soon as possible before getting too emotionally involved.

What do you hope from from the conversation with your relative? If it is general advice or info, could you discuss it with them in passing without saying why you have an interest in learning more? Eg you read something on here about someone in that situation or an acquaintance is in that position etc. But I agree with your decision to not tell them explicitly.

@81Byerley

NO! I am amazed you're even thinking of discussing someone else's private business with anyone else, however much you trust them.

The reason I considered it wasn't just to have a gossip. It was to get advice on how I protect myself etc. What it means for the future. I have decided to approach a charity instead. Thank you everyone for your wise words!

@Justaboy

Well could be AIDS or simlar but i don't think so, there is a illness disease, syndrome Huntingdons Cholrea somehting or t' other cant remeber the exact name now but its very similar?..

Wtf?

@user1473878824 those were my thoughts exactly! Chose to ignore that weird comment.

@gracelandia Best of luck with the relationship, have my fingers crossed for you both as you said you think he’s awesome!

I’ve been there. And I went away, did my research and came to the conclusion that he was worth it.
In this case it was genital herpes. It never got transmitted to me and the relationship was a very good, healthy one- very much where trust was a big thing. He did encourage me to go away and look into it, maybe contact a clinic to see what advice they had- tbh knowing the level of responsibility he took made me more comfortable anyway, and he never had a flare during our relationship.
So if it’s that, it’s workable

@user1473878824 thank you. I'm so anxious and am not usually when dating. I keep getting this awful feeling that he's one day just going to call it off and decide he doesn't like me anymore! Argh.