To share this with a family member?

[gracelandia]

I've recently started seeing a really lovely bloke. He's 38 and I'm 32. He's really great and I can see things working out between us.

He told me on the second date about a health problem he has. Very, very personal but could also impact upon me.

My first thought was that I wanted to seek advice from a certain family member who is very non judgemental, we are very close, and he knows a lot about this specific health issue as he works in that field and has a friend who had a the same problem.

I have a niggling feeling though that it's not right to share something so personal about someone and haven't said anything.

I really want to discuss it with someone but feel out of respect I can't.

Would it be ok to share? Or absolute no no?

Does your family member know this man? Does he know the name of the person who you have been on dates with?
If no to both of them you probably could discuss it with them in a more abstract fashion, however if this relationship goes further then will you always be wondering that your family member knows something that your partner didn't choose to disclose.

I'm imaging this is something along the lines of HIV, hepatitus rather than he knows he carries the gene for Parkinsons which could impact you long term in becoming a carer or passing it on to your own children. If it is the first there are many online forums with people who have been in similar positions (often have professionals in that field too) who will give truely anonymous advice and feedback.

@gracelandia Yeah I felt like that about the last person I dated because I liked him so much, which is probably good as I’m marrying him next year.

What do you need to know that you can’t find out from the internet or by just asking him?

@Justaboy’s comment is one of the weirdest things I have read on MN, and that’s some stiff competition.

Hi OP
I can understand your quandry. You have not stated what the health issue is but many on here have discussed the implications of a partner being HIV+ or having had herpes. If it is one of those, it is good that he has told you so early on for you to make informed choices.
Ironically, because they know their status, you might even be more safer than finding someone who is not regularly tested. There have also been women on here who did not take precautions and had conditions passed on.
Having been researching the topic for a dissertation, despite much medical progress having been made, there is still stigma felt. There are still issues with access to PrEP in England compared with Scotland. The U=U* campaigns are not known by all. In spite of the condition being manageable and arguably easier to manage than diabetes, any regimen of meds with possible side effects you would want to avoid and your partner would want to avoid that for you.
I would personally still use condoms and look into PrEP as condoms are not failsafe or PEP if needed if condom comes off, depending on your partner's viral load (or even to calm social anxiety).
I think that it is less of a deal breaker if one knows all the facts and research but that, depending on your age, there might be psychological programming from the Don't Die Of Ignorance campaigns that still cause fear. On the other scale, those who are very young do not know/have forgotten what previous generations went through and that can lead to complacency/unnecessary risks.
It is very good that, whatever the health condition, your prospective partner has cut to the chase and been upfront so early - no time-wasting and I'd take a lot from that. As always knowledge=power.

*For people with HIV, if you have been taking effective HIV treatment and your viral load has been undetectable for 6 months or more, it means you cannot pass the virus on through sex. This is called undetectable=untransmittable (U=U).

Did justaboy mention cholera? Do we still have cholera?

user1473878824 & gracelandia

Well wasnt intended to be wierd at all! I did know someone who had an illness thats in effect a progressive neurological class illness that can be transfered over via the usuall method of contact transfer! Course it may well be a STI such as Herpes and the like but really i think that for a accurate opinion more info would be needed which quite rightly you would not want to put on a public forum!

Anyway hope this cahrity can give you the answers that you need and it all goes well with your man!

BigBlondeBimbo Its "chorea" do give over! i did say something or other like it!!!

OP this is an anonymous forum. You can tell us what it is and get advice from Doctors on here, without them knowing who the person is. Your family member will know who this person is...

Huntington's Cholera is a hereditary disease.

Op, why would you ask advice from someone who has no specialist knowledge of the problem?

I think the problem is that you could end up getting really serious with him - marriage, kids, buying a house whatever it is you end up doing together... and then you have the awkward situation of this family member knowing something highly personal (and it sounds like something very taboo as well, from what you've said) about someone who has now joined your family. They may end up seeing a lot of each other at family events.

The whole thing could get really weird.

Chorea, sorry

Yes, we still have cholera. Tens of thousands of people die from it every year. Although I don't think it's all too common in the UK. OP certainly wouldn't be having any fun dating someone suffering from it

Thisismytimetoshine Yes easily done;!

Huntingdon's chorea is an hereditary illness that is incurable and devastating.

Have you asked your partner's view on sharing? If you said 'do you mind if I talk this over with my Dr relation, so I understand more fully?' do you think he'd say 'go for it' or 'please don't'?

I think ultimately, it is for him to decide whether you share the information. However, it is for you to decide whether his restriction on you sharing the information makes the relationship too risky for you.

Could you ask your doctor relative about it in a general way? Or is that way too obvious?! 😬

TitsOutForHarambe Yes nasty it is. still is around in parts of the world.

social anxiety? health anxiety. I forgot to give you the contact no. for THT 0808 802 1221 (Terrence Higgins Trust) 10-6/10-1 at weekends. I have so much respect for them, having done nearly a year's of research about the last four decades - they were working so hard to get info out there when Thatcher wanted to ignore it all.
If this isn't relevant to you, just ignore.
All the best

Everyone is assuming it’s HIV, it could be genital herpes also?

Just for those who havent read the full thread the OP did say shes decided to contact a charity about it now so lets hope she can find the answers she needs!..

@Justaboy

BigBlondeBimbo Its "chorea" do give over! i did say something or other like it!!!

I mean...you said chorela, which could have been cholera! So you know, give over yourself! It wasn't clear. As for "could be AIDS but I don't think so" , I mean, what? It was a weird post. I know you didn't mean for it to be, but it was, which is why I was confused.

I've heard of Huntingdons and it is meant to be one of the most horrible conditions.

But, probably best to stop speculating. The op doesn't want to divulge what it is, so...give over .

Why don’t you ask him where you can find out more information? He started the dialogue.

Hey Shirl. Are you looking forward to ?
It could be herpes - there have been many threads on that too. I just wanted to reassure the OP her anxieties if it was HIV were understandable but also surmountable.
Here's one on herpes where, unlike the OP, the person was not told of her partner's status, for want of a better word.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3486502-Herpes-disclosure

Probably herpes, from the hints the OP has dropped.

I agree that it is responsible of him to tell you so soon, and it can be managed within an intimate relationship.

Your plan to approach a relevant charity or your own GP is a good one. Protect yourself, OP.