To share this with a family member?

[gracelandia]

I've recently started seeing a really lovely bloke. He's 38 and I'm 32. He's really great and I can see things working out between us.

He told me on the second date about a health problem he has. Very, very personal but could also impact upon me.

My first thought was that I wanted to seek advice from a certain family member who is very non judgemental, we are very close, and he knows a lot about this specific health issue as he works in that field and has a friend who had a the same problem.

I have a niggling feeling though that it's not right to share something so personal about someone and haven't said anything.

I really want to discuss it with someone but feel out of respect I can't.

Would it be ok to share? Or absolute no no?

Why not ask him if it's ok to talk to your family member? So you can understand it a bit better.

What’s with everyone trying to guess what the condition is?! This isn’t a soap opera!

OP as I think you’ve already decided, in my view it would be very wrong to discuss with relative without consent I’m afraid. I would feel gutted if I was him and found out you had - if things got serious. Is it something you can google first and see what information you can find?

Or if it is a condition that is well known, could you have a vague conversation with relative that sounded casual and non specific? Like “I was watching something on tv the other day about x....”. Depends if you think you could swing that!

Good luck..

@Justaboy

Well could be AIDS or simlar but i don't think so, there is a illness disease, syndrome Huntingdons Cholrea somehting or t' other cant remeber the exact name now but its very similar?..

You win the award for the most ignorant post tonight.

Why?!

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

Absolutely wise advice.

Trust is the absolute jewel of a relationship.
Beyond precious.
Well done OP for double checking yourself about breaking it.
👏👍

My DH has herpes. It has negatively impacted our sex life over the years. But I've never got it off him thank God.

I've been the doctor family member who was put into the position of my relative telling me about a condition their new girlfriend had. At that point I hadn't met the woman and she had no idea who I was or what I was. It was very, very uncomfortable when I did eventually meet her and even now she's been married to my relative for a long time - she still doesn't know that he told me about her very private and intimate medical condition (and she has never told me either so it's even more awkward).

Don't do it.

Could you speak to your family member as though you are asking 'for a friend' and ask where they would recommend your friend goes for more info/advice?

Don’t do that - and happily that you’re not

I think o would speak to your potential new partner, if he disclosed this on your 2nd date then he sounds sensible and decent and probably wouldn't have a problem with you discussing your concerns before committing to anything, he would probably appreciate that you are thinking seriously about the future.
Speak to him, but I would also say that if he had an issue with you discussing the situation with your family member who has understanding, that would be a major red flag. If it's what I think it is.

HollowTalk Did you read the subesequent posts to that at all?

Suspect not but in what way do you see that as ignorant given the orignal information?.

OP Whatever the health condition is, FWIW you’re doing exactly the right thing in trying to learn learning more about it. You could ask the guy where would be the best place to do so as it shows you’re being open minded, non judgemental and interested.

To the poster who said he might be open about it as he told the OP on a 2nd date, well as I’m living with a health condition and dating, I have shared the information with a guy on a 2nd date, but not because I’m particularly open about it, more because I felt he was someone I could share it with (and not run screaming from the pub )

To Justaboy, you can’t catch AIDS. AIDS is a group of illnesses that the untreated HIV virus can lead to.

OP if by any chance it is HIV, feel free to message me if you have any questions or want to know where to go to to ask more. I volunteer in peer support for THT and also work with other organisations. I do actually think it’s something else - though not asking

I hope you get your assurances and the relationship goes well.

I am thinking it will be HepB or Herpes and that's why the OP needs to discuss it.
We have an Umbrella Clinic local to us I think these would be the ideal people to chat with.

@Alwaysinpain

OP this is an anonymous forum. You can tell us what it is and get advice from Doctors on here, without them knowing who the person is. Your family member will know who this person is...

Lordy. Worst advice ever!!!

I understand the temptation to discuss it with a trusted relative but it would be better to approach an organisation with specialist knowledge, then you'll get the info you need without breaking trust.

He told me on the second date about a health problem he has. Very, very personal but could also impact upon me

so speak to your own GP or a support group related to the condition......

This:

"I would speak to your partner to explain why it would be helpful to you to be able to share it with this particular person & how deeply you trust them. If they are comfortable then you can do it with a clear conscience & if not can talk through options for you to get the support you feel you need."

All I can say if it’s mild mental health, it may not be as dire as expected.
Be realistic whatever it is

If it’s STI related getting further info from a GUM clinic or support organisation would be better than talking to a GP as they’re not all as knowledgeable as they could be on the subject.

I'm so anxious and am not usually when dating. I keep getting this awful feeling that he's one day just going to call it off and decide he doesn't like me anymore! Argh
His health issue clearly impacts on relationships so I don't think I'd worry about him calling it off. He's probably more concerned that any potential partner will call things off because of the issue. I might be more concerned that he only likes me because he feels there are very few who would consider dating him when they know about his health.

Huntington's Cholera is a hereditary disease.
Never heard of it. Do you mean Huntington's disease which used to be known as Huntington's Chorea?

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

Huntington's Cholera is a hereditary disease. Never heard of it. Do you mean Huntington's disease which used to be known as Huntington's Chorea?

Yes, I do. I corrected the spelling mistake two posts down. You obviously stopped reading when you spotted an opportunity to sneer. Fill your boots 🤷🏻‍♀️

@gracelandia I would also ask MN to take this thread down due to how personal the situation is.

If it's herpes, this is a good site: herpes.org.uk

I'm a nursing student and was a pathology collector at a sexual health clinic. If it is a sexually transmitted disease, I would recommend going to an STI clinic to talk to one of the nurses there about how to protect yourself. They are really open and honest about the risks and will be able to talk frankly with you. You can ask any question you like. They're warm and lovely and totally unshockable. I suspect your chat would be totally vanilla to them. (I live in Australia, and things are a bit different here... You'd probably get to sit down and have a cuppa with them while you chat as well.). Everything would be confidential, and all the information would be up to date, current clinical standard.

I honestly don't understand why you would need to talk to someone you know about it. I would consider it a betrayal of trust as it has clearly been told to you in confidence and in the context of an intimate relationship.

Honestly, how many medical conditions are so obscure and poorly research that you would need to have a detailed discussion with a professional. In this day and age information about how to manage relationships with say HIV or STDS is readily available on the internet?

Has he not been advised what to do with a partner if it can be passed on and it is that serious?