To feel guilty that my future (donor) dc won't have a dad

[RhubarbGnT]

Hi,

So a bit of background - in a same sex relationship, married and been together 7 years. I already have a teen dc from a previous (straight) relationship and my dc sees their dad regularly.

Dw and I have been considering having a baby for the past 3 or 4 years, but things got in the way, such as a house move, finances not being great and a few other things.

Anyway, we're now settled in a house big enough for more kids, we're financially comfortable and so it should feel like the time is right to go ahead and start TTC, but something keeps stopping me taking the plunge .....so to speak 😬 and I think I've worked out why.

I just can't seem to move past the fact that our dc won't have a dad and that we have made that decision for them. Not that it could happen any other way for us! We've ruled out co parenting - I.e, dc is in contact with their "donor dad". Maybe if I didn't already have a dc I wouldn't feel like this, but I think I'd feel guilt that my eldest has a dad, but my future dc won't.

Is this wrong that I'm feeling like this? Dw thinks we should just crack on and do it, as we would love them to pieces and be able to give them a happy, stable and secure life and what else does a dc need?

I really hope I'm not offending anyone who has gone down/going down this route btw. Of course I'm not anti having dc this way, it's just something that I seem to be struggling with.

But then what my dw says is true. We could give them a very good life and I know she would be a really lovely mum.

Arghh I just don't know what to do! Already mid 30's so this can't be put on ice for much longer!

Thoughts? I would really appreciate some outside opinions. Also, it would be great to hear your personal experiences too.

Thanks.

I think your guilt means you’re keen to what’s best for your child. But I don’t think a child needs a father if they grow up in a loving, stable, same sex parent household, no.

But it would be good if you could find a loving male role model (grandad, uncle, close friend) to be in their lives.

I haven’t read Raising Girls, but Raising Boys was a very interesting book and talked a lot about male role models being important - but they didn’t have to be the father.

Good luck, OP!!

Your child you have with your wife will have 2 parents - I'm not sure it makes a huge amount of difference if one of those parents is a man or not.
I'm not dismissing your feelings at all - deciding to have a child as a same sex couple is a very different sort of decision than in a heterosexual relationship I think - it's not so straightforward is it so it gives you more time to think and worry.
So long as you can give your child a loving home with good role models and security etc then I dont think theyll want for a Male parent.

I grew up without my Dad (his choice).

Although I definitely missed having one it was more the lack of support and role model for me. I had no idea how to interact with men at all when I was little and found them scary.

I think the most important thing is two or more people to support and love you. But a gender role model would be a real plus as well.

If theres an uncle or grandparent that would be happy to be that mentor type role or perhaps if you're on good terms with your ex?

But your DC with have two parents still, two parents that love their DC so very much, is doesn’t matter if both parents are male or both female or male / female, as long as they are role models and grow up in a loving stable home - that’s all you can ask for.

I think you are right to think about it. Your child won't know who their biological dad is. That is not ideal, even if they are loved by 2 mums and have other male role models in their lives. Lots of things aren't ideal in life but this is a fairly major one from the child's point of view. They will have to come to terms with it once they are old enough which may not be easy.

Crack on. Your DC will be in a household with two loving parents. Seems like a win to me.

Research is suggesting that this route is pretty bad for the resulting children. I wouldn't do it.

Does it have to be you to carry and give birth? It might be easier for your head if you don't have that guilt (which there's nothing to feel guilty about but our emotions have different ideas sometimes) if your wife doesn't.

Better two same sex parents than one good mum and one shit dad.

www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/07/07/children-of-same-sex-couples-are-happier-and-healthier-than-peers-research-shows/

Knowing what I know about my own family history and genetics I imagine it must be extremely difficult for those who have no or little knowledge of their own.

It's not about whether or not you could provide a loving environment from your child - which it sounds like you could - but about purposely bringing a child into this world that is deprived of half of their genetic and historical roots. Not to mention the potential rejection if they decide to reach out to the donor after they're 18 and the donor doesn't want to know.

Some helpful articles:

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/06/26/magazine/sperm-donor-siblings.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/18/world/americas/sperm-donors-profile-hid-mental-illness-and-crime-lawsuits-say.html

https://medium.com/an-injustice/the-sins-of-the-father-c3a23b5faa0f

I am a single mom to 3. The eldest is to my ex... Who is a fucking loser and has never had anything to do with our child. The youngest 2 are donor babies. Much more confident with them than my first. I don't have to deal with explaining why their dad doesn't want anything to do with them. And from the other side... Yes they only have a mom, but it's because I wanted them and it is better to have a child by choice alone than to have one in bad circumstances (accidental to someone you don't know or like very much; rushing into a relationship just to have children; etc).

From your situation... There is no dad but 2 parents is certainly just as good as gender really shouldn't matter should it?

It does make a difference if you don't have any men around, in my experience. If you have brothers or male friends who can and will weigh in, that makes a big difference. But tie them down and keep them involved (speaking from bitter experience). That said, I think you should figure out a way to go ahead - it sounds like it's your previous heterosexual experience that's holding you back. Your kid will be able to track their donor later so I don't think the lack of biological info is critical.

Loving parent/parents is what is needed and positive role models of both sexes. So if your father is a positive role model or an uncle or a close friend that is good.

I wouldn’t worry (too much) about it.

You just have to open mumsnet to see the amount of kids who have a dad but a useless one at that that really doesn’t add much value to their life but heartbreak due to them (the dads) realizing they would rather not parent, I have a mum and dad and I am close to neither of them, having had a dad was of absolutely no value to my life, I have a lovely step-dad but the fact that he is a man didn’t change much it’s the fact that he prioritized me and made me and my care come first in a way both my mom and dad failed to do. I would have LOVED to have two functioning moms or two functioning dads, much more than I enjoyed having the parents I have had.

As a disclaimer, I am gay so technically biased (maybe) but I have worked and been surrounded by many many queer families and the kids are thriving. Can a kid who didn’t grow up with a father wonder about their father? Of course, but anyone who has a father who is absent or a bit shit also likely wonder about their father. What your child will hold dear is how well cared for he is. Plenty of solo moms rocking parenting with neither a man or women by their side and I am sure their kids aren’t lacking.

You need to stop comparing your ds with the future baby. If anything, the future baby will have two parents living together while your ds has two split parents and I am sure your DS isn’t missing out from not having his two parents under the same roof so no reason for baby 2 to miss out on a non-existing dad who might have been a bit shit, did he exist.

I say don’t worry about it, cross that bridge when it comes to it but kids care more about their level of care than who cares for them.

The only concern I could imagine is if the child sees their sibling going to spend time with their dad or getting gifts or days out with their dad and feeling a sense of missing out or jealously towards their sibling. They may resent their sibling or you for not getting the same relationship? Although they would still have two loving parents, they dynamic would be different.

I think you are right to think about it. Your child won't know who their biological dad is. That is not ideal, even if they are loved by 2 mums and have other male role models in their lives. Lots of things aren't ideal in life but this is a fairly major one from the child's point of view. They will have to come to terms with it once they are old enough which may not be easy.

I agree with this.

My friend has a 4 year old and the dad has never been around. He is always asking why he doesn’t have a daddy when everyone else does and it really upsets her. Although you will have a reason to give, that won’t take away from your child feeling like they are missing something fundamental that other children have.

I think it will be even harder when they see your other child with their father as it will keep reminding them of something they will never have.

You’re in a very difficult situation OP and I think you are doing the right thing by thinking it all through and considering the impact it may have on the future child.

You are clearly in a loving relationship though and I hope you both find a way forward that you are both happy with

It would drive me crazy not having the complete knowledge of where I come from biologically. I'd feel incomplete & resentful. It obviously wouldn't bother a lot of people though (judging by the comments). Tricky one OP.

For me the issue wouldn't be about not having a positive male role model as that is easily solved and there are many single mothers who do a wonderful job. The child would also be lucky enough to grow up with two loving parents which is more than many have.

However, I can't help but think that growing up only knowing about half of your biology could cause identity issues and I would want to research that before going ahead.

You don't need a dad for a good upbringing. I'm sure you'll make lovely parents❤️

My friend has gone down this route and I also come across a few same sex couples having children as part of my job. Obviously I am very outwardly supportive but I do wonder whether the children will question where they came from and what their background is. They will only know half of their background. This may be fine, but I do wonder whether this could cause resentment in years to come.

I think it’s better to be wanted and have loving parents regardless of the background information. Not all children get dads, some pass away or walk out and it’s often unexpected so they’re essentially in the same situation as a donor conceived child. I can understand the not knowing one half of your dna being an issue for a potential child, most children in this set up cope fine if you’re honest to them from an early age rather than a surprise announcement when they’re older. I wouldn’t let it stop me having a longed for child. Many grow up without a male figure in their life and turn out fine. It’s natural to feel guilty, that’s parenting for you, but the only alternative is to not have a child at all and I know what I’d rather choose.

I'd go for it if its what you want to do. You can provide a stable and loving home - people have children in much worse circumstances all the time.

Re not knowing their father, I know everyone deals with things like this differently but I grew up not knowing my father, and without any other male role model and I don't think it's effected me in any way, never wondered about him or his life because I've just never really felt its anything to do with me and my life.

I wonder if anybody considers how many women raised dc after ww1 & ww2 without the fathers - there were a lot of single parents than through widowhood & from being abandoned - what I am trying to say is that this is less unusual than we think.
If a child grows up in a happy family that want them that s all they need -although a few uncles or male cousins or friends wont hurt - extended families (if loving) can be an advantage to any child (or parent!)

I think you are right to think about it. Your child won't know who their biological dad is. That is not ideal, even if they are loved by 2 mums and have other male role models in their lives. Lots of things aren't ideal in life but this is a fairly major one from the child's point of view. They will have to come to terms with it once they are old enough which may not be easy.

I agree with this poster. I think not knowing your father is very different from having, say a shit father or one that just didn't want to know. I would struggle with it too. But also, life could be much worse for a kid right? So who are we to judge what's problematic and not problematic for an unborn child?

I'm torn.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Actually, I should have said in my OP that the potential identity issues our dc could have are also a concern and actually when I really think about it, it's probably my biggest concern, overall. I guess there are good and bad outcomes with a situation like this and you never know for sure which camp you'll be in, but if it's something we're very mindful of from the beginning, then hopefully we can avoid/limit any real identity problems.

Honestly, I am insanely broody right now. To the point when I see a baby, I can be on the verge of tears. I don't think I've ever felt like this