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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that my future (donor) dc won't have a dad

85 replies

RhubarbGnT · 03/09/2020 17:35

Hi,

So a bit of background - in a same sex relationship, married and been together 7 years. I already have a teen dc from a previous (straight) relationship and my dc sees their dad regularly.

Dw and I have been considering having a baby for the past 3 or 4 years, but things got in the way, such as a house move, finances not being great and a few other things.

Anyway, we're now settled in a house big enough for more kids, we're financially comfortable and so it should feel like the time is right to go ahead and start TTC, but something keeps stopping me taking the plunge .....so to speak 😬 and I think I've worked out why.

I just can't seem to move past the fact that our dc won't have a dad and that we have made that decision for them. Not that it could happen any other way for us! We've ruled out co parenting - I.e, dc is in contact with their "donor dad". Maybe if I didn't already have a dc I wouldn't feel like this, but I think I'd feel guilt that my eldest has a dad, but my future dc won't.

Is this wrong that I'm feeling like this? Dw thinks we should just crack on and do it, as we would love them to pieces and be able to give them a happy, stable and secure life and what else does a dc need?

I really hope I'm not offending anyone who has gone down/going down this route btw. Of course I'm not anti having dc this way, it's just something that I seem to be struggling with.

But then what my dw says is true. We could give them a very good life and I know she would be a really lovely mum.

Arghh I just don't know what to do! Already mid 30's so this can't be put on ice for much longer!

Thoughts? I would really appreciate some outside opinions. Also, it would be great to hear your personal experiences too.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Quacks2020 · 03/09/2020 19:54

My sister is in a same sex relationship with a beauitful boy.
I can honestly say a healthy relationship is what's important for the child. There is plenty of men and women together who have a toxic relationship and that's not fair on the child.
Point is all that matters is the love you give them.
My nephew is the happiest little boy ! Absolutely thriving at life with amazing parents.

Fleamaker123 · 03/09/2020 20:00

There's no doubt a child with same sex parents would be loved and well cared for, that's not the issue really. It's not knowing who their father is, who has the right to say someone doesn't need to know that as they grow up? Of course they do. Not even a name, a photo. It's not the same as having an absent father. It's about who you are.

NameAnon101 · 03/09/2020 20:05

It's absolutely not wrong to feel however you feel.
Perhaps think of it like this - your dc will have 2 mums, your current dc will have a mum, dad and stepmum.

I know not everyone is in this position but...
Would your ex maybe be a step dad style figure for them as they grow up? Perhaps they can have sleep overs with their sibling at their dads house.

TheUnwindingCableCar · 03/09/2020 20:21

We have two children from a donor and to be honest we know more about him and his genetic history and the health of him and his relatives than a lot of people do about the guy they slept with.

Our kids don't seem to care and they're not missing out on anything. We do the same things with them that a dad would do.

When they're older they can get in contact with the donor and any donor siblings if they want to.

60sPony · 03/09/2020 20:29

One thing to consider is that now with ancestry websites and DNA sites - it can lead to curious teenagers finding out more than you might expect earlier than you might expect. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but something to consider...
It is complex and a bit of a gamble but I think so many things in life are and the fact that you are considering the prospective child’s feeling so deeply now can only be positive.

Vilanelle · 03/09/2020 20:38

@RhubarbGnT yes UK, we used Xytex and once you report a birth and it checks out you have access to xyconnect where you can also friend request the donor. We won't be.

We have shared photos with other mums though.
They are in Canada and Australia.

I'm OK, its been a tough 12 weeks and my mental health is treading water so keeping an eye there. Dp knows and feels the same.

I just think you feel so much guilt as a mum anyway, just so happens to be a good reason to feel guilty and I'm focusing on that. It will be fine.

user1475002412 · 03/09/2020 23:10

Honestly? I grew up without a dad. It’s affected my entire life. Even friends who have divorced parents know who their dad is, my friends who had dads bigger off and leave them still technically had a dad. I never knew mine & it affected and to some extent still does, my relationships with men.

I would think carefully about your decision as it is your potential child who will be impacted by having no dad.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2020 23:22

Your child will have two loving parents. The sex doesn’t matter

I don’t think a child needs a father if they grow up in a loving, stable, same sex parent household, no.

But it would be good if you could find a loving male role model (grandad, uncle, close friend) to be in their lives.

This

MarmiteCrumpet25 · 03/09/2020 23:24

I’m an adoptee and had amazing adoptive parents but also an insatiable desire to find my biological parents, family and roots. I wanted to know who I looked like and what I’m might be good at and why I was adopted. Different in some ways to your scenario but I think you need to be prepared in case they are curious.
I’m now in touch with my birth family and have an amazing relationship with my biological father, thanks to a cheap and accessible AncestryDNA test.

Bringonthebloodydrama · 03/09/2020 23:24

I couldn't do it. I'd foresee problems especially when hormones kick in.

Familial roots, genetic similarities, inherited talents, shared history, ancestral knowledge....all have become far more important to me as I've aged. It's about trying to make sense of yourself in relation to the context of the world today, and connect it with your past and present.

I'd feel stripped, or robbed, if someone had decided to deny me of that from birth.

Enough4me · 03/09/2020 23:49

It's a tough one as your DC are likely to want to find answers. My dad has never put me first or really been a dad, but from what I have observed I can see where some of my characteristics arise. My exH is useless in many ways, but our DC love him and it is important that they understand themselves. As long as you accept your DC will seek answers later and you can support them go ahead.

Moomin12345 · 04/09/2020 00:07

I do think it's quite selfish. Maybe consider adopting?

TheUnwindingCableCar · 04/09/2020 10:05

It's not selfish.

Spinakker · 04/09/2020 10:12

I think it's wrong and not fair on the child. It's better to adopt imo.

NameAnon101 · 04/09/2020 16:48

It's NOT wrong to have two parents of the same sex.
The only issue might arise if you have a boy and he wanted a male to confide in about puberty... but if you have another male like a grandparent or uncle that they can be close to then I don't think it should be a huge issue.
Like I said, maybe your child who already has a father would share (if he's that kind of man?)

Original poster
RhubarbGnT · 04/09/2020 17:18

Yes, I do take issue with the word "wrong" tbh.

OP posts:
Hangingbasketofdoom · 04/09/2020 17:29

I don't know how easy this would be to do anyway, but why did you rule out Co-parenting type of thing? Since what you are saying really sounds like that is where your thoughts are going.

anaa1 · 04/09/2020 17:36

I 100% think that a child can have a loving and stable upbringing with two same sex parents, and in 99% of cases I'm sure (with loving, kind, nurturing parents) any child would be totally fine. But identity is a hugely important thing, and where the gamble comes is in not knowing how that will affect the child. Having no information on one side of their identity could really affect some children, even with a stable and nurturing home. But all of childbearing/rearing is a gamble, after all!

I would just learn more about identity issues before I took any step, personally.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/09/2020 17:42

I think it’s very easy for people who know their biological parents to dismiss it as “not that important” etc. Having two mothers is not an issue, not knowing half my genetics wouldn’t be my choice for a child of mine imo

Original poster
RhubarbGnT · 04/09/2020 20:01

Just wondering, would a woman using a donor egg, also be wrong or selfish?

OP posts:
PrincessZog · 04/09/2020 20:07

Personally, yes, I think so, although if you knew your mother had carried you that would be at least some consolation in terms of feeling a biological connection.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/09/2020 20:17

Just wondering, would a woman using a donor egg, also be wrong or selfish? yes probably

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/09/2020 20:21

I guess there is a difference in terms of a child wouldn’t necessarily know they are different to the outside world. Like an adopted child being raised by a family of the same race

Heartofglass12345 · 04/09/2020 20:26

Omg I can't believe some people are saying it's wrong Shock
The child will have two parents who love it and want it so much they used a donor.
There are loads of kids who have dads out there that don't want to know, who know they exist and still don't want to know, that would be much harder for me to get my head around than having two parents who love me. I had shit male role models growing up, my dad was around but only now and again and my mum and stepdad had a violent relationship.
I met and married a lovely man. Its more important for a child to grow up knowing what a healthy relationship is than knowing their dad.
There is a same sex couple that I follow on TikTok who answer questions and they said they used a donor where the children could contact them once they turn 18 if they wanted to, could that be an option?

Heartbroken21 · 04/09/2020 20:42

I was raised by 2 women. My biological father wasn’t a good father- although I did see him from time to time. I considered my stepmother to be my closest parent and I don’t think it affected me negatively that they were both female. That could be because stepmother had a lot of masculine traits though.