To feel guilty that my future (donor) dc won't have a dad

[RhubarbGnT]

Hi,

So a bit of background - in a same sex relationship, married and been together 7 years. I already have a teen dc from a previous (straight) relationship and my dc sees their dad regularly.

Dw and I have been considering having a baby for the past 3 or 4 years, but things got in the way, such as a house move, finances not being great and a few other things.

Anyway, we're now settled in a house big enough for more kids, we're financially comfortable and so it should feel like the time is right to go ahead and start TTC, but something keeps stopping me taking the plunge .....so to speak 😬 and I think I've worked out why.

I just can't seem to move past the fact that our dc won't have a dad and that we have made that decision for them. Not that it could happen any other way for us! We've ruled out co parenting - I.e, dc is in contact with their "donor dad". Maybe if I didn't already have a dc I wouldn't feel like this, but I think I'd feel guilt that my eldest has a dad, but my future dc won't.

Is this wrong that I'm feeling like this? Dw thinks we should just crack on and do it, as we would love them to pieces and be able to give them a happy, stable and secure life and what else does a dc need?

I really hope I'm not offending anyone who has gone down/going down this route btw. Of course I'm not anti having dc this way, it's just something that I seem to be struggling with.

But then what my dw says is true. We could give them a very good life and I know she would be a really lovely mum.

Arghh I just don't know what to do! Already mid 30's so this can't be put on ice for much longer!

Thoughts? I would really appreciate some outside opinions. Also, it would be great to hear your personal experiences too.

Thanks.

I don't believe any of us should say 'a child doesn't need a father.' It's such an odd statement, given that each child comes from both sexes and only the child has the right to affirm that statement.

No, this situation is not the same as an arsehole father, that situation could have many outcomes and wouldn't be the same as having two loving mothers from birth.

But anyway, imo I think you should go for it OP, but try as much as possible to get a good amount of information re the father, so that there's at least a face they can refer to. Not every child is the same. Some will absolutely be fine and not really give it a moment's thought. Some will question more, but it would not affect them overall. Some, unfortunately, will be devastated. Those usually are the ones who were lied to from birth until teens.

I have a family member who is donor conceived. He's fine except for a period where he used to create lies about how father, like how big his dad's house was, or how he was going to spend time with him soon... That was actually heartbreaking, especially because directed at me, I didn't know what to say or how to respond (he's close family). His mother kind of did it without telling the family (her choice) but we weren't really versed in how much he knew or anything, so it got a bit awkward whenever he'd blurt it out in a packed room. He seems over it now, but I couldn't say how he really feels.

OP you haven't given any further info about why you won't consider there being a relationship between the child and the father. Since you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation, why not reconsider this?
I am unclear about my feelings as I know I would not be personally at ease with a gay couple (male) using a surrogate to have a baby - whereas I would be happy with the same couple adopting.

There are loads of kids who have dads out there that don't want to know, who know they exist and still don't want to know, that would be much harder for me to get my head around than having two parents who love me well I grew up without a mother doesn’t mean I advocate no one else having one. Also a lot of those kids who grew up without a father will say it has affected them negatively.
Yes a good parent trumps a shit one, that’s agiven. Also stop saying 2 parents is the optimum- said who?!
Look genetically a child is half man half woman- as much as we like to pretend for the sake of LGBT community that isn’t true, it is. Doesn’t mean there aren’t fantastic blended families, lesbian/ gay parents. The issue is a child being created with the intention of denying them knowing half of their biology. Will it damage the child? Who knows- but I don’t know that it wouldn’t.

I think it's important for a child to have a positive male influence and presence in their life (as much as it's equally important to have a positive female influence and presence), and, perhaps controversially, I believe that the lack of this would have a negative impact on a child's life upward into adulthood.

Hi I am a single parent with a child aged 4 fro. Previous relationship and age has no father contact. I want her to have a sibling and have found a donor. So I just want to put it out there more to do with how other single mums have found having a baby when already a single parent to a child. I am thinking I will get to rest when my older child is at school and as she be almost 5 she will be able understand a bit and help out just a little x. I have a couple of friends saying it’s really not that bad and it be fine and others saying they wouldn’t do it lol. My daughter has no cousins etc and we don’t have much family and I don’t want her one day alone with no family in the world I would feel better knowing they have each other once I’m no longer here

They will be able to find dad when they turn 18 though won't they, as donor's have to give details?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

There are loads of kids who have dads out there that don't want to know, who know they exist and still don't want to know, that would be much harder for me to get my head around than having two parents who love me well I grew up without a mother doesn’t mean I advocate no one else having one. Also a lot of those kids who grew up without a father will say it has affected them negatively. Yes a good parent trumps a shit one, that’s agiven. Also stop saying 2 parents is the optimum- said who?! Look genetically a child is half man half woman- as much as we like to pretend for the sake of LGBT community that isn’t true, it is. Doesn’t mean there aren’t fantastic blended families, lesbian/ gay parents. The issue is a child being created with the intention of denying them knowing half of their biology. Will it damage the child? Who knows- but I don’t know that it wouldn’t.

"Look genetically a child is half man half woman- as much as we like to pretend for the sake of LGBT community that isn’t true,"

XX

I don't think it's wrong or selfish. I think any potential DC sound like they will have a loving home with you and your wife.

I do think you both need to be prepared for the fact that there may come a time where perhaps hard questions are asked, possibly even anger and tough feelings as they get older surrounding this. I don't think it's fair for anyone to dismiss not knowing your father. I'm sure some people have been unaffected by it whilst others certainly have been. I could not say how I would personally feel not knowing my Dad.

It's definitely something you and your wife have to be prepared to deal with in the future imo.

@Covert20

Studies show kids with two mums do the best of all the parenting combinations available. So don’t feel guilty!

Other studies give different results

Yes they meet when 18