To feel guilty that my future (donor) dc won't have a dad

[RhubarbGnT]

Hi,

So a bit of background - in a same sex relationship, married and been together 7 years. I already have a teen dc from a previous (straight) relationship and my dc sees their dad regularly.

Dw and I have been considering having a baby for the past 3 or 4 years, but things got in the way, such as a house move, finances not being great and a few other things.

Anyway, we're now settled in a house big enough for more kids, we're financially comfortable and so it should feel like the time is right to go ahead and start TTC, but something keeps stopping me taking the plunge .....so to speak 😬 and I think I've worked out why.

I just can't seem to move past the fact that our dc won't have a dad and that we have made that decision for them. Not that it could happen any other way for us! We've ruled out co parenting - I.e, dc is in contact with their "donor dad". Maybe if I didn't already have a dc I wouldn't feel like this, but I think I'd feel guilt that my eldest has a dad, but my future dc won't.

Is this wrong that I'm feeling like this? Dw thinks we should just crack on and do it, as we would love them to pieces and be able to give them a happy, stable and secure life and what else does a dc need?

I really hope I'm not offending anyone who has gone down/going down this route btw. Of course I'm not anti having dc this way, it's just something that I seem to be struggling with.

But then what my dw says is true. We could give them a very good life and I know she would be a really lovely mum.

Arghh I just don't know what to do! Already mid 30's so this can't be put on ice for much longer!

Thoughts? I would really appreciate some outside opinions. Also, it would be great to hear your personal experiences too.

Thanks.

It’s not ideal to use a donor but the fact that it’s holding you back so much suggests to me that maybe you aren’t sure if you really want another baby? Because in my experience even the most sensible and devoted of same sex parents will use a donor without concern because they are desperate to raise a family.

Is this perhaps a reason to reconsider co-parenting? I know a child who was co-parented with his biological mother, who is in a same sex relationship, and his biological father, who is also in one. It seems like a great all round arrangement, with the child having a loving community, and knowing both their biological parents.

@Someyoulose, I am naturally an over thinker and procrastinator, so unless I am certain about something I find it difficult to make a decision and what decision could be bigger, right?

If we could have a baby together without the involvement of a man, then I'm sure we'd have had more than one by now and that's quite telling for me, that it is something that I really want.

Does your wife have any children already? If you decide you don't want to parent a child with her will it cause resentment, because you have a child but would be denying her the chance to be a parent.

My friend was born through this route, which I didn't realise until recently had been an option for so long. She's never considered her dad to be anyone other than the man her mum was married to when she was born. So although she had a "dad," in her life, he's not her biological father and she doesn't have any interest in who her dad technically is.

People have always worried about the concept of not having a father figure, but a lot of people don't and others are screwed up because of theirs.

I don't think that you can really ever get it quite right when it comes to kids - so many people blame the parents separating for problems and then lots of others say that the parents not separating was the problem. There's always going to be something and whilst I'm not minimising how anyone has the right to feel, I don't think you can ask for anything better than two supportive parents.

I don’t think that there is a good answer. Children can have a great upbringing in same sex, mixed sex or single parents.

However I’m not sure how I feel about deliberately having a child that will not know it’s biological parent, with siblings that do. OTOH would I think the same if it was due to infertility?

I have two donor conceived children. There's the donor conception network, who have lots of advice and support. You can also get counselling to work through these concerns, to see if it's right for you or not.

You could consider finding a known donor though that can be a difficult process. I know my children's donor but he has no interaction with them. However, he said he was willing to be contacted in the future if they'd like to meet him when older, and also I can contact him about medical issues that might be genetic, or for something like bone marrow testing.

I have older stepchildren who were raised by my wife and I. They had no contact with their father from being very young because he's an abusive bastard, and he was in thr foster system so they don't know his side of the family at all. So using a donor isn't the only way children end up being brought up without a father.

At least by using a donor, you are already addressing these concerns and how you will deal with them, rather than having children with a man and then being blindsided by him leaving, or dying. Okay so maybe neither situation is perfect but at least your way is thought out and considered and you can establish male role models from the get go.

Studies show kids with two mums do the best of all the parenting combinations available. So don’t feel guilty!

Also, just to add, I had two children when I'd originally intended to have one. Having another was in part becasue I felt it important that my first had someone with the same family situation as her. So they have each other and therefore someone else who understands what it feels like, because as much as I will support them, I don't know myself how they will feel about certain aspects of their parentage. Just something to think about - do you think you'd feel like this and so if you have one would you be able to try for another later if you started to feel like this?

I agree with your wife. Go for it! You sound like you will make great parents.

But of course it is good that you are thinking about the potential issues.

I never had a dad. Mine was pretty much just a sperm donor, a one night stand. I dont miss what I never had.
I have a few friends who had babies by donor (straight friends) who never met a suitable partner and their children are fine about it.
It isnt a problem so dont make it one.
I'd have loved 2 mums.

I grew up without my father and my experience leads me to say that you're right to give pause here. I also think it's important that your wife acknowledges that any child you have may want to talk with you about where they came from and if that happens it'll need to be handled sensitively. They may be angry, they may be upset and if that happens you need to hear them out. Trying to brush it under the carpet and say that biology is unimportant, as happened with me, won't cut it.

Personally I wouldn't do it but I acknowledge that my experience is heavily colouring my view.

I couldn't do that. I feel it would be potentially passing on a burden to the child.

I’m really torn, yes two good same sex women are much better than a crappy or even mediocre parents, but a male gives a child a different kind of parenting, we know this from psychological studies, Men are much more likely to push children, tell them they can climb higher etc. (Crap example I know). It’s a very tough decision, I don’t envy you having to make it, BUT you’re thinking about this and worrying so you’re obviously a great parent! Good luck!

I think you should talk to your DC, if it is a conversation she would want to engage in. She has experience of having two mums but also having contact with her dad. You can think about this issue with the benefit of experience of feelings etc but your DC has the life experience, or at least similar experience. It sounds like your future child will be loved but you'll never know how they'll feel about not knowing their biological dad, I guess their feelings will partly be influenced on how they are brought up

I am a lesbian also and underwent fertility treatment last year. Our baby is now 12 weeks.

I must admit I am struggling with the guilt of him nit having a father. Something I didn't expect to feel.

The sperm bank we used provides a shit load of genetic information on donor and his family. We have photos and copies of a very detailed profile of his.

We are also in touch with other ladies who have conceived using his sperm.

It's miles better than the situation I and a lot of parents are in where the child's father is a waste of space and /or totally absent when you haven't planned for it.

Child will have two loving parents and a stable household. Yes they might have questions and a hole about their genetic background to deal with later. Most people have baggage, it's much much easier to deal with and process if you have loving, caring and supportive parents.

In the early years it will be very simple for them, X has a dad, Rhubarb is their mum and Mrs Rhubarb is stepmum, but I don't have a dad, I have two mums instead.

I don't buy this male role model needed stuff - seems to me that only applies if you believe men and women to be completely different with different roles, ways of thinking, living, behaving etc. I don't think that's a helpful way to think at all. Children need positive stable adult role models, their sex ought to be secondary to that.

You're totally overthinking it. The child will have two good parents and that's more than some children ever get. FWIW, yes, the future child may ask, "Why don't I have a dad like my sibling?" But, that's only because a lot of their peer group will have fathers. I used to question why I didn't have loads of extended family members living around the corner because many of my peers did. These are natural queries from a small child and you'll deal with them as they arise. Kids don't ask these things to guilt you or hurt you; they ask because they're curious. x

@Covert20, my DW regularly makes this point

@Vilanelle (great name), congratulations! I remember 12 weeks being a lovely age. I think I started feeling a bit more human again by that point! How are you doing? I'm sorry you're struggling with that and it seems to have come out of the blue. It's great you've got so much information about the donor though. Does your dp know how you're feeling? Did you find the process of choosing your donor difficult? I didn't realise you could be put in contact with other mums who have used the same donor. Are you in the uk?

I'm a woman married to a woman, and currently pregnant with our first child, using donor sperm. Statistically there's no disadvantage to growing up with same sex parents.

We both knew we wanted kids when we first met, but originally had similar thoughts to you and at one point were almost certain we wanted to adopt. For various reasons, we ended up deciding that using a donor was the way to go for us.

Our son will have two loving parents, who want and love him. That's more than I had, and I don't think my parents feel guilty for making me! There are also children of straight parents who don't have a dad (eg single parent adoption) or have no contact with him, and straight couples sometimes use donor sperm and/or eggs.

There are things to think about when having a baby as a same sex couple, eg male role models and explaining things to the DC. One of my best friends is a man who adopted a toddler with his husband last year, so they're already signed up for babysitting and we spend quite a lot of time with DP's family as well.

The Donor Conception Network has quite a lot of information on their website about openness and telling your children how they were made.

@GameSetMatch

That’s such stereotypical nonsense - different people have different personalities, male or female. My husband is very cautious, although worried the kids might fall/hurt themselves. I’m the dare devil who encourages pushing themselves/ climbing higher. And I don’t either of us are so very odd or unusual!

You are definitely right to ask these questions and think it through. I had twins who are now 8 through a donor who is ID release when they reach 18. You dont state what type of donor you would use.

Some thoughts. I am single by the way.

I disagree with the blasé sentiment on here that children dont need a dad or that two mums are the same as a mum and a dad. Simply, they aren't!. Some children wont be bothered by the lack of father. Some will. This is an issue I am grappling with right now and with only one of my children. I have many men in my direct and indirect family, two in particular are close role models. That does not take away from the sentiment in one of my children (my daughter) that she wants a dad and she feels jealous of other children for this reason.

Bizarrely it has created tension for a connected but different reason in that the other child gets cross that this has become an issue when for him it isn't one. So they argue about it. Ive acknowledged the feelings in both. But it's not easy to deal with the guilt that frankly I created this situation.

Which brings me onto my final point. Get advice and professional counselling before you decide. I would speak to the DCN and they can advise and connect you with others in a similar position. I have talked to my children at length about this and we agree that it would potentially also help them to talk to a professional counsellor about their feelings given - even though they clearly love me etc and we are very open with each other about our feelings on this subject- ultimately i am the cause of the negative feelings that my daughter has and talking to me - the cause - is putting her in a position of conflict.

This may or may not help. It's an issue. It will be a constant source of guilt. It could well be an issue for your future child for the reasons you outline. So get help and talk it through fully with your wife and a pro before you commit.

Hope this helps. X

Oh OP you sound lovely. I grew up without a dad and just my mum and I'm happy and well balanced (I hope). I had my favourite male uncle (not even my real uncle) and my amazing grandad. I see them every week growing up if not more and have never felt I missed out on anything. I did meet my biological dad a few times as an adult but he's just a stranger and we have no contact now, it was just plain odd as we had no connection. I don't feel unfulfilled or anything.

I have 2 mums and no dad (don’t know my donor or much about him). I was born in 80s long before this was as common as it is now. I think my parents are amazing and have never missed having a dad. Maybe a bit of curiosity about where half of my genes come from but nothing else. I was close to my grandfather growing up and have uncles but don’t think I’ve missed having a “father figure” at all. Am happily in a hereto relationship now and have 2 kids of my own who adore their grandmothers.

I think you are overthinking it - but totally understand why and it is something that lesbian parents do a lot (I know a great many lesbian families). Having lesbian parents means you are never in any doubt about how much you were wanted!

As pp said, there have been studies (one of which I was part of) that show that children of lesbians do just as well as (if not better than) their peers.

It may be more complicated for you because your son has a dad. Families are all different - your child will have two parents and a sibling who loves them which is the most important thing, and your family will be all they are used to. I’ve always felt my family was special.

I omitted to say that we will seek out our donor when they reach 18 if they wish to and that I already know of donor siblings (the joy of bloody facebook!) who again we may contact..all are overseas. In other words they will have identify and biological history. But that would require you to use id release in the UK not anonymous donor overseas.

I also meant to say that I do agree that love and stability from any parent, male or female, is more important than instability and neglect. That's a no brainer and previous posters confirm there is research that supports this. But I dont think that is the issue here.

Good luck.