Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws recinding their offer

89 replies

brokeandsad · 02/09/2020 20:59

I'll keep this as short as I can.

In laws offered recently to help us with deposit for a house. Part lone, part gift, it was substantial and we were very grateful.

Viewed some places, found somewhere perfect in a very practical sense, not a pie in the sky emotional purchase. They told us, categorically, to make an offer. We'd be in no position to buy without this help for the foreseeable.

Four days of negotiations later our offer was accepted. They next day they withdrew their offer to help.

I think it's a matter of finances being more complicated than they realised (money tied up in ways they didn't understand with fees and timeacales for release they weren't aware of) rather than that they just don't want to help.

Still, I feel like we've been through the mill and a bit aggrieved. It's their money to do with as they wish of course. They could spend it all on red balloons, chipmunks or pottery for all I care. But to offer such a thing without knowing you can follow through on it seems a bit...thin.

I'm not cross as much as sad, mostly thinking about what it would have meant for our DS (walking to school, nearer friends, more space to play). I've said not to worry but I dread seeing them next and a bit mistrustful. AIBU and how do I get beyond this feeling?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 02/09/2020 21:02

Hey weren't being malicious, just naive. They didnt realise their money was tied up. Disappointing but sounds like genuine mistake

nanbread · 02/09/2020 21:05

It was thoughtless and very unfair of them to do that.

I hope it wasn't malicious, doesn't sound like it.

TheHappyHerbivore · 02/09/2020 21:06

Thank god you don’t live in Scotland or you would be tied into a contract you couldn’t afford to fulfil!

That’s really poor on their part OP - they should absolutely have worked out the details before telling you to make the offer. I’m so sorry, I would be gutted too in your shoes.

GenderApostate19 · 02/09/2020 21:06

If it’s any consolation, lenders generally don’t approve of loaned deposits.

WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 02/09/2020 21:06

I think I would feel the same way. I'd be disappointed and wouldn't look at them the same way again. Thats just me.
What does your husband think of it all?

Leaannb · 02/09/2020 21:17

They probably found out that most mortgage companies would deny you the mortgage do a loan for the deposit. They frown on that severely

Original poster
brokeandsad · 02/09/2020 21:23

It was a loan in the sense that it was a gift that would come out of future inheritance to DH. And some of it was just a gift.

OP posts:
Nyclair · 02/09/2020 21:39

Doesn't sound malicious to me and they probably feel terrible/embarrassed for offering and not being able to follow through.

PersonaNonGarter · 02/09/2020 21:40

How has DH reacted?

GhostCurry · 02/09/2020 21:43

Extremely poor form in their part. I know it shouldn’t matter, but their attitude would inform how I viewed them going forwards - were they apologetic?

RhymesWithOrange · 02/09/2020 21:44

This is the second thread like this in recent weeks.

Lesson: don't act until the money is in your bank account.

Zilla1 · 02/09/2020 21:48

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. When you meet them next, they may be more mortified to mirror your (and your DP's) frustration. There probably isn't an easy way to try and get over it, other than biting your tongue and perhaps trying to give your MIL a hug if you can to (fake) show there are no hard feelings.

Unlike a recent thread where the poster's MIL had decided she didn't like the chosen property, your circumstances sound like misfortune. Could the property still be available even if it takes time to unwind their investment?

Good luck.

mrs2468 · 02/09/2020 21:49

@TheHappyHerbivore that’s not true your only legally bound to buy the property in Scotland once you’ve signed the missives.

Original poster
brokeandsad · 02/09/2020 21:49

But the money would never have made it to our account until we had acted. Which I think is part of the problem.

I don't for a second think it was malicious. They have apologised, in a sort of "Oops! So disappointed for you" kind of way. I think it's that that irks me for some reason.

DH is upset about the house but typically sanguine.

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 02/09/2020 21:57

@brokeandsad

But the money would never have made it to our account until we had acted. Which I think is part of the problem.

I don't for a second think it was malicious. They have apologised, in a sort of "Oops! So disappointed for you" kind of way. I think it's that that irks me for some reason.

DH is upset about the house but typically sanguine.

Why not? You could have asked for it to be held by a solicitor/in escrow. Would have avoided the situation.

(I appreciate you could not have necessarily foreseen this).

Original poster
brokeandsad · 02/09/2020 22:03

I don't think they would have given us the cash until we had a house we wanted to buy. Their help, however small (non financial), is always very (hesitating to say controlling) involved and conditional.

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 02/09/2020 22:08

Ah. Sounds like you may have dodged a bullet sticky situation there.

canyoucallbacklater · 02/09/2020 22:10

OP, I'm sorry. You must be gutted.

That's poor behaviour on their part. A kind offer to make but an awfully mean one to withdraw. Their response is very out of order though.

You deserve a proper apology - this wasn't a few days, you were buying the house. I'm confused why it took them so long to realise they couldn't afford it?

Do you have any chance of buying without the deposit?

MulticolourMophead · 02/09/2020 22:15

@brokeandsad

I don't think they would have given us the cash until we had a house we wanted to buy. Their help, however small (non financial), is always very (hesitating to say controlling) involved and conditional.
Be careful about accepting cash in the future. Don't get tied into conditions on money.
DidoAtTheLido · 02/09/2020 22:16

@brokeandsad

I don't think they would have given us the cash until we had a house we wanted to buy. Their help, however small (non financial), is always very (hesitating to say controlling) involved and conditional.
This must be incredibly disappointing OP, but in the end, I think you have dodged a bullet.

The Involvement and Conditions would have been ongoing and unbearable.

Endless "why have you / haven't you done this or that to the house" "I am surprised you can afford to go on holiday / join a gym / buy a new egg cup given that you couldn't afford a deposit" "We just thought we would pop down and visit you for 10 days, you're not busy, are you?" etc etc.

The messed up, they messed you about...but in the end you are back where you started, not worse off.

BGirlBouillabaisse · 02/09/2020 22:18

I would be raging OP. They've led you up the garden path.

Have they a history of controlling behaviour?

I would be avoiding them for a very long time.

BlowingmyJets · 02/09/2020 22:19

It sounds immature though? What adults don't know what ready cash they have and to facilitate and instigate a whole house buying move without once considering all the implications is immature.

On a plus side as pp said, it sounds like you have dodged a bullet. You also know now, they cannot be trusted for whatever reasons.

Lower your expectations. Don't do this to your own dc!

Inaseagull · 02/09/2020 22:21

Wouldn't it be a couple of months before you had to hand over any money? I wonder if it would speed up the cash release if you told them you had found an ideal place within your own budget 200 miles away. However, as pp's have said, maybe best not to be beholden to them.

nc127 · 02/09/2020 22:28

@TheHappyHerbivore

That's not true. It's not legally binding as everyone thinks. You can pull out as long as missives aren't signed.

Supersimkin2 · 02/09/2020 22:30

Very unpleasant behaviour, deliberate or not. Were they secretly thinking that you'd go ahead anyway and they'd be off the hook?

They'll do it again. Watch out for offers of help with furniture, school fees, you name it. Oh, and as for the dangling of inheritance...