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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws recinding their offer

89 replies

brokeandsad · 02/09/2020 20:59

I'll keep this as short as I can.

In laws offered recently to help us with deposit for a house. Part lone, part gift, it was substantial and we were very grateful.

Viewed some places, found somewhere perfect in a very practical sense, not a pie in the sky emotional purchase. They told us, categorically, to make an offer. We'd be in no position to buy without this help for the foreseeable.

Four days of negotiations later our offer was accepted. They next day they withdrew their offer to help.

I think it's a matter of finances being more complicated than they realised (money tied up in ways they didn't understand with fees and timeacales for release they weren't aware of) rather than that they just don't want to help.

Still, I feel like we've been through the mill and a bit aggrieved. It's their money to do with as they wish of course. They could spend it all on red balloons, chipmunks or pottery for all I care. But to offer such a thing without knowing you can follow through on it seems a bit...thin.

I'm not cross as much as sad, mostly thinking about what it would have meant for our DS (walking to school, nearer friends, more space to play). I've said not to worry but I dread seeing them next and a bit mistrustful. AIBU and how do I get beyond this feeling?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2020 22:31

Wow. That's just awful, op. I'm shocked they offered you this money without knowing they actually could. What a massive cock up.

islockdownoveryet · 02/09/2020 22:34

I think it's disappointing in that you found a house got excited then when they looked into getting the money they couldn't.
I'd be a bit miffed but it's kinda of what can you do situation .
Like others have said it's a mistake but it's why did they not realise they can't get their hands on the cash .
It's very difficult when it's verbal agreement but you'll get over it .

HazelBite · 02/09/2020 22:35

When I helped out DS4 and his DP with a deposit (relatively small amount, they were a few K short) I had to sign several documents to say it was definitely a gift and not a loan, I was in the room when his partner was talking to the bank about the deposit for the house and they wanted to talk to me to also confirm that it was not a loan and that I was happy to give them this!
I would imagine this is what has caused the problem, you can't be paying back a new extra loan when paying a mortgage

BigBlondeBimbo · 02/09/2020 22:35

Based on your updates, I also think you've dodged a bullet here op! Very frustrating though. I hope it wasn't malicious. I definitely wouldn't take their word for anything like that again. Unless they give you money, don't count on it from now on.

LadyLairdArgyll · 02/09/2020 22:38

I'd look at this as a lucky escape, screw gifts with strings attached, sod that. Flowers

Notnownotneverever · 02/09/2020 22:38

I understand where you are coming from but maybe think of it as a good thing that they realised that they couldn't get hold of the money and told you earlier rather than much further down the house move process. That might have been a disaster.

ittakes2 · 02/09/2020 22:44

You made it sound like it was not deliberate on their part - just naive? If this is true...it’s very sad that the generous thing they intended to do is basically going to cause a family rift. You are at a crossroads now - I’m guessing they might be feeling awkward and embarrassed - and you have two choices 1) look them in the eye and say thanks for trying don’t worry it didn’t work out 2) ignore them or be awkward around them and put your hubby in the middle between his parents and you.

SuzieCarmichael · 02/09/2020 22:44

Did you post this before? It sounds very familiar. Sure there has been a v similar thread recently.

BlueJava · 02/09/2020 22:45

I understand it's disappointing but it sounds like a lucky escape to me - you say they are controlling but you are taking their money for a house deposit. No way that'll work our well imho.

Jux · 02/09/2020 22:49

Oh gosh, are they the sort who will constantly remind you of what they have done for you? My MIL was like that to the extent that I just refused anything from her.

Buy something on your own, or you'll forever be in their debt.

Anordinarymum · 02/09/2020 22:49

I wonder if the old people tried to borrow money on the equity of their home and realised that there would be no money left to inherit for other children. Maybe someone talked them out of it before they put names on paper.

starfishmummy · 02/09/2020 22:55

Inwould not be happy at all. They must have known that their money is in accounts that they cant access easily (or very stupid).

But best to wait and move when you can afford it without their help than have them putting conditions on to the loan

blibblibs · 02/09/2020 23:01

Definitely sounds like you've dodged a bullet there.
I have inlaws that talked (a lot) about helping out with a deposit but it soon became clear that it was mostly talk and had lots of unspoken conditions attached. We just started avoiding those conversations with them and 3 years down the road we were almost ready to do it ourselves until covid hit that is!

Russellbrandshair · 02/09/2020 23:03

Although not malicious, I still think that was a really shitty thing for them to do. You went through to the point of offer. No one is obliged to lend money but if you promise it to someone at least make sure you have it to lend!

There’s not much you can do now except take it as a hard lesson learnt not to rely only on other people’s word alone. Sad but true. I would explain to them though the difficulty and annoyance this has caused you. Not to be mean but they really should be aware of the consequences of promising stuff they can deliver. It’s not fair.

candycane222 · 02/09/2020 23:04

Sounds like, being kind , their lady bountiful eyes were bigger than their practcal tummies.

I would recommend you only accept financial help from parents/inlaws if exactly the same deal is explicitly (ie discussed openly with all) available as readily for all siblings, or it is arranged in a way that is financially advantageous to both sides.

For example we borrowed money from a relative towards repairing the roof/new bathroom etc, but we drew up an arrangement whereby we are paying back with interest - higher rate than they would get from the bank, lower rate than we would pay a commercial lender, so both sides are gaining.

bellajay · 02/09/2020 23:07

The other thread being referred to was mine. I haven’t spoken to the in laws yet, giving myself some time to cool off and create some distance before I see them again. I completely get how you feel, it’s shit - sorry.

Babyroobs · 02/09/2020 23:09

This is awful, they really should have looked into things before making you the offer. What a waste of everyone's time.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 02/09/2020 23:12

Hope you're not in Scotland; that would be binding, would it not?

I'd be quite cross with them.

Ellamiss · 02/09/2020 23:16

Will they arrange to get the money out from wherever it’s tied up for a future property?

comingintomyown · 02/09/2020 23:18

Still you were happy enough to accept their offer even with a history of their offers being controlling ?

stayathomer · 02/09/2020 23:20

I feel for all of you, they must feel awful but of course you're right to feel how you feelFlowers

comingintomyown · 02/09/2020 23:26

Get beyond the feeling by realising you haven’t lost anything and the vibe from your OP tells me you and your family are doing ok and next time you get an offer of money from them politely decline right ?

DishingOutDone · 02/09/2020 23:45

I'd be absolutely livid, what a nasty thing to do. I dont but this oh poor dears didn't mean it. You didn't mean to upset anyone when you bump into them, its not a worthy excuse for offering the chance of a home and then withdrawing it.

But once the livid bit fell away, I too agree you have dodged a bullet. I'd be very cool and take step back from them from now on.

Heffalooomia · 02/09/2020 23:48

@brokeandsad

But the money would never have made it to our account until we had acted. Which I think is part of the problem.

I don't for a second think it was malicious. They have apologised, in a sort of "Oops! So disappointed for you" kind of way. I think it's that that irks me for some reason.

DH is upset about the house but typically sanguine.

That's not a proper sorry is it☹️ it's a 'sorry not sorry' insulting you by implication, not taking you seriously a major thing in your life, a huge amount of hassle and embarrassment and stress and they just shrug it off with 'oops'😳 They must have known that you trusted them and believed that they were making a genuine and serious offer You didn't think this was something they casually said as an aside and then realise they couldn't actually do You assumed that because this was a significant amount of money and because this was a matter of great importance to you that they would have taken the matter seriously enough to have done their research beforehand. I think that was would have been a completely reasonable assumption to make you trusted, they let you down I don't think I'd say anything I would never trust them again and I might not be too inclined to take them seriously either ☹️
simitra · 03/09/2020 00:02

I think the posters saying you probably dodged a bullet are bang on track. Had this gone through they may well have expected you to rise up and call them blessed at every turn. At the same time they have caused heartache and disappointment to both of you and your DS. In your place I would back off from the relationship and allow them to feel the cool wind blowing in their direction. Without overtly causing a row you can make it clear by your attitude that you no longer trust them and feel let down.

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