In laws recinding their offer

[brokeandsad]

I'll keep this as short as I can.

In laws offered recently to help us with deposit for a house. Part lone, part gift, it was substantial and we were very grateful.

Viewed some places, found somewhere perfect in a very practical sense, not a pie in the sky emotional purchase. They told us, categorically, to make an offer. We'd be in no position to buy without this help for the foreseeable.

Four days of negotiations later our offer was accepted. They next day they withdrew their offer to help.

I think it's a matter of finances being more complicated than they realised (money tied up in ways they didn't understand with fees and timeacales for release they weren't aware of) rather than that they just don't want to help.

Still, I feel like we've been through the mill and a bit aggrieved. It's their money to do with as they wish of course. They could spend it all on red balloons, chipmunks or pottery for all I care. But to offer such a thing without knowing you can follow through on it seems a bit...thin.

I'm not cross as much as sad, mostly thinking about what it would have meant for our DS (walking to school, nearer friends, more space to play). I've said not to worry but I dread seeing them next and a bit mistrustful. AIBU and how do I get beyond this feeling?

@MarthasGinYard

'Still. With any future offers of help I will be more cautious and ask for things to be clearly set out and agreed before we take any action.'

These are your husbands parents I take it?

Not really down to you to be already looking how you will deal with their next hypothetical 'future offers'

Given that I just went with it, slightly against my better judgement, when they've got a little bit of form for promising things and backing out, and the impact on my family (not financial but generally) I think it is entirely for me to decide how I would respond to any future offers of help, of any kind. DH and I would discuss it, and I would state my views to him before we made a joint decision. Am I supposed to bend with the wind and abdicate on decisions that affect my child's life because his family has money?

'Am I supposed to bend with the wind and abdicate on decisions that affect my child's life because his family has money?'

No I'd concentrate on your own immediate family finances personally, and not factor in any gifts, contributions or loans 'just because his family have money'

Not the same as a house deposit, but MIL once bought SIL a brand new caravan and told DH if he had a look around for one for us and the kids she’d help towards it.
DH duly found one. A relatively cheap older model. He told MIL all about it, she said ‘that’s nice’ and changed the subject. It was just another carrot to dangle in front of DH I felt.

I don’t know why some people seem to get a kick out of promising things they have no intention of delivering.

I wasn't talking about gifts or loans or money at all, I was talking about help.

You are being charitable here op, I suspect out of respect to your DH. I cannot understand responses saying they are shocked at those criticising your PILs. I think they have been casually cruel to you both. Of course they knew whether they could get their own money or not. I use the money is tied up excuse to avoid giving my dd1 yet more money.

I helped dd2 out with a deposit as she had never asked for anything. She said it would be a loan, I said no, it was a gift because you cannot be saddled with a new home, mortgage and further debt. I put the money into their account ready for their mortgage application. The Building Society wanted me to sign a document saying I had no financial interest in the house. They also wanted to see the account my money would come from!

Even if their money was tied up, interest rates are so low they would not lose much. They may have tie in fees, but these are generally related to mortgages. Forgive me if I am wrong here.

My MIL used to do this to a lesser degree. Telling us both she would buy us a hoover as a wedding present and when DH suggested one, she laughed and said she had said no such thing in front of family. I felt sorry for my DH who is a decent person.

I bet you are gutted. I know some have said you should buy a house you could afford, well you could with their promised assistance. You have done nothing wrong.

Their 'apology' sounds flippant, like they didn't get that this was a big deal to you. People shouldn't make offers if they're not prepared to see them through. This has a whiff of 'grand gesture' to it; like they liked the idea of being these beneficent beings, but then they couldn't manage the actual financial reality of house-buying (which they really should be able to handle, like millions of people do).

you should be buying a house within your own budget. You're adults. is a supremely stupid comment. The OP believed, with good reason, that the budget could and would include the in-laws' contribution. Cop on to yourself, honestly.

some people seem to get a kick
Promising you a large sum of money gives them a feelgood buz in the moment, they enjoyed basking in the Glow of being lord and lady bountiful
They don't care enough to take it seriously and look into whether they actually can release the funds, I think that's just an excuse though, I think they just changed their mind about giving away such a large sum of money, they prefer to keep you beneath them the poor relations who can't afford their own home
They like being lord and lady bountiful but they also enjoy looking down on the poor relations and they opted for the latter because then they get to enjoy the feeling and keep their money, have their cake and eat it

More than likely they found out that interest rates on investment have dropped to below 1%. If their money was tide to an older investment bond they might be getting a much better rate. If they now wanted to withdraw fund it would mean they would have to close this and put any funds left into a new bond with a pretty non existent dividend. If they rely of the dividend To supplement their income then they might have felt unable to proceed.
So whilst you have a right to feel disheartened I do think a lot of replies are unfair on the PIL. Sure it would have been better if the PIL had checked they could afford to do this before offering but they too could have been carried away just as you were with the prospect of helping their son onto the housing ladder.
Don’t let it ruin your family relationship over something that was well meant but I’ll thought out.

Well meant but ill thought-out
This is true but, implicit within is another truth....they think of you as people whose feelings, stress and inconvenience are not important

OP, you're being very charitable.

Baseline is you're independent of PIL whether you like it or not.

No one sees anything from this type, regardless of how much they've got in the bank. Ever. Concentrate on their good points.

I am struggling to understand how they had not worked out that providing / loaning a deposit for a house wouldn’t result in money being “tied up”.

But I would just move on, the dream house could have fallen through anyway. I would look to buy house only relying upon your own funds / borrowing ability.

They have done something very unkind and rather than admit but they are in the wrong they've laughed it off to save face
They know they can get away with it (in the sense that you won't call them out) but now you know for sure that they are not responsible upstanding people who do the right thing, rather they are childlike people who cannot admit that they are in the wrong.

I agree with op, they wanted to play Lady/Lord Bountiful whilst knowing they wouldn’t give the money.

I do often roll my eyes at people on MN who seem to take parental help towards house purchase as their due (I neither expected or received any help), in your situation I would be angry.

However, I think you’re being sanguine because your husband s being sanguine. You’ve said their help is ‘involved and conditional’ so use this as an opportunity to tell DH we’re not accepting anymore help. If you let this one go without any consequences, they will see it as a green light to do similar things.

You’re young, healthy, your kids will grow and you’ll be able to progress careers and save money. Make the decision that you will do it on your own.

I agree 47Proudboomer. I don't think posters have any idea of what the inlaws could have been sacrificing to do this. Much more complicated than just giving the money.