In laws recinding their offer

[brokeandsad]

I'll keep this as short as I can.

In laws offered recently to help us with deposit for a house. Part lone, part gift, it was substantial and we were very grateful.

Viewed some places, found somewhere perfect in a very practical sense, not a pie in the sky emotional purchase. They told us, categorically, to make an offer. We'd be in no position to buy without this help for the foreseeable.

Four days of negotiations later our offer was accepted. They next day they withdrew their offer to help.

I think it's a matter of finances being more complicated than they realised (money tied up in ways they didn't understand with fees and timeacales for release they weren't aware of) rather than that they just don't want to help.

Still, I feel like we've been through the mill and a bit aggrieved. It's their money to do with as they wish of course. They could spend it all on red balloons, chipmunks or pottery for all I care. But to offer such a thing without knowing you can follow through on it seems a bit...thin.

I'm not cross as much as sad, mostly thinking about what it would have meant for our DS (walking to school, nearer friends, more space to play). I've said not to worry but I dread seeing them next and a bit mistrustful. AIBU and how do I get beyond this feeling?

Appreciate this is disappointing. But Bit worrying that your in-laws don’t understand their finances. Maybe ask a bit about the investments. There’s some dodgy people out there.

This has been useful.

I was willing to accept the offer despite previous "conditional" tendencies because it = security for my child. It really wasn't a dream house scenario, but never the less a step on the later with DSs needs at the top of the list.

I should have listened to my instincts but I put them aside and let myself get carried away.

I am certain they meant no malice. I don't feel animosity. More awkwardness because I am a bit miffed. As someone up thread said, we are no worse off. We can continue with our lives without any disruption. We have a lot to be grateful for.

Still. With any future offers of help I will be more cautious and ask for things to be clearly set out and agreed before we take any action.

In many other ways they are excellent in laws and I am lucky to have them. I'll concentrate on the positives, put this behind us, give MIL a hug and remember to rely on no one but myself. Which is a good missive for life anyway.

I would politely and cheerfully decline anything they offer you in the future. No animosity but learn from it and don't even consider getting bitten a second time. It's very precious to have your independence from people like this even if they also have good qualities.

Are they elderly OP, as I too would be concerned about their level of understanding of their financial services with large sums in the bank.

It sounds like they would likely have pulled out later down the line anyway once the conveyancing solicitors got a look at it. They would have had to sign the money away legally as a gift and provide various pieces of evidence that that money is theirs, origin of it, it would need to be in an approppriate account for a certain amount of time etc - and not all lenders are willing to even accept this, especially if it is a loan.

There is no loan from your DH's inheritance. Thay money is not legally his nor does he have claim on it while they live. Indeed it may not exist when they are deceased. It would be a cash gift that they would sign documents to day they will never seek back more have any vested interest in the property or it wouldn't go ahead.

It's obviously gutting and a real pin but it is what it is, nobody is entitled to anything here. Sorry though, what a drag for you all.

I can't believe the responses here. Looking at you @ghostcurry
Extremely bad form? They made a generous offer - you acted on it very quickly - turns out a bit more complicated than they expected - well, it's disappointing for you. But you should be buying a house within your own budget. You're adults.

I really don't feel any entitlement to anything. I come from a family that has 0 money. The idea that people I know have this kind of money is bizarre to me. I was stunned when they made the offer.

They're not elderly. I think some of the money was from DHs grandparents estate. It's not my family so it feels weird to even discuss it. I don't know details, nor should I. This confirms my gut feeling that family money is as much a curse as a blessing!

Would like to add that there is no house within our budget. This was a cheap house. We are quite young, missed the property boom, are self employed/grad students. We're not trying to better an already tenable situation. We've always assumed home ownership was beyond us.

@brokeandsad

Would like to add that there is no house within our budget. This was a cheap house. We are quite young, missed the property boom, are self employed/grad students. We're not trying to better an already tenable situation. We've always assumed home ownership was beyond us.

Could you move to a more affordable area to buy a house? We had to do this.... It was a bit of a shock, but far better than renting, which is dead money.

Obviously we are grown ups, but being a grown up does not currently equate to being in a position to buy a house.

I can understand this being really, really devastating.

In your IL's defence, many people have no idea how tricky it's going to be to access invested money. When they're deciding to invest the money, the terms seem quite academic and hard to recall years later. This is a very common discovery even for people you would expect to know better. Like bankers. I would focus on the fact that they wanted to do something kind and tried their best. But it's devastating. In their defence, they probably feel awful about this too.

@HazelBite

When I helped out DS4 and his DP with a deposit (relatively small amount, they were a few K short) I had to sign several documents to say it was definitely a gift and not a loan, I was in the room when his partner was talking to the bank about the deposit for the house and they wanted to talk to me to also confirm that it was not a loan and that I was happy to give them this! I would imagine this is what has caused the problem, you can't be paying back a new extra loan when paying a mortgage

Yes...My DS was short by a smallish amount, and that had to be a gift as in, I don't want it back.

My lovely FIL gave us some £ as a deposit, and that too was a gift, Bless him.

DS's partners parents offered to help them out with deposit and then backed out.
It isn't fair to offer unless you are 100% certain.

And the people selling the investments have only recently had to really underline the catches.

We live in a cheap rural area. My son is settled in primary school here. It was less than 160k for a three bedroom house with a garden and good (necessary) transport links.

We could buy cheaper. I'd go for a smaller house on a worse estate. It would mean a school move (to worse schools) for DS, and DH is pickier than me.

I feel for you, I would feel exactly the same! It’s not just you effected like you said it would of benefited your child. Don’t feel bad for being angry/upset. Unfortunately your not alone with needing help to buy, however you now know they can’t be trusted and maybe see it as a blessing in disguise, would you of had to help them in the future such as if they get older and need more help... would you of felt they had power over you and feel compelled to care for them as you had this money...

We'll care for them regardless...They're my husband's parents.

I would be gutted. Better they should have not offered in the first place.

My dad gave me my first deposit, as I will do with my DC. He was excited to do it for me, as I'm excited to do it for my child.

You say their help can be controlling...
Even without lending you a penny they have managed to 'control' this situation. They tell you they have money to give/lend you (which it is is unclear to me), they tell you to make an offer... they pull the rug out and leave you disappointed.
But you're lucky they left you only disappointed and not high and dry.

My parents are empty promises people. It genuinely fucks me off.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore no the offer is not binding until missives are concluded so either party can withdraw at any time until that point.

There's a fair bit of law society guidance surrounding how lawyers and estate agents should act in certain scenarios (including gazumping and gazundering) so that perhaps that feeds in to the perception that an offer is binding but ultimately there's nothing to stop someone pulling out if they change their mind or have a change in circumstances before concluding missives.

But you should be buying a house within your own budget. You're adults
Do you even realise how hard it is to get on the property ladder now??? Literally everyone I know who now owns a house has parental financial help to get it. It has nothing to do with “being an adult” you can work 60 hours a week and still not be eligible for a mortgage. Saying just be an adult is a very financially privileged point of view. I know many responsible, lovely people who work their arses off but still cannot afford to buy a house.

I can sort of see both sides.

My parents verbally offered us a deposit last year; then this year the house we rent was put on the market and we looked into getting a mortgate in principle, and they said they could only offer us half the amount they'd said.

In that situation I thought it was perfectly sensible - firstly because it's their money anyway (!), and secondly because with coronavirus, people have got much more worried. A year ago they thought they'd be fine and would be able to loan my siblings the same amounts in the end/it would all come out of inheritance eventually, but now they are more nervous.

However, I do understand it's really stressful when you're so far on in the process. I'd be gutted. But I don't think you can fairly blame them. They want to help, by the sounds - and being older than you doesn't mean they're magically wise and learned in all financial matters. They're just human.

'Still. With any future offers of help I will be more cautious and ask for things to be clearly set out and agreed before we take any action.'

These are your husbands parents I take it?

Not really down to you to be already looking how you will deal with their next hypothetical 'future offers'

I think you are being far to charitable here OP, your in-laws are practically laughing about the fact that you and your husband can't afford your own property and they are comfortable and don't have to worry about money
I would never do anything so cruel to my adult children, offer them a significant sum of money that would give them a life-changing leg up in life, and then go 'oopsie sorry I can't do it after all, silly me🤭' all blase as if it was a bit of a joke, and now the joke is on them for thinking that they, the poor wretches, could actually get a foot on the property ladder, oh hahaha imagine you thinking you could actually have a house 🤭
I would never do that, it would be despicable☹️
I can imagine the disappointment and the hurt feeling, realising that you're not important enough to be taken seriously, I could never do that to my children.

Blimey heffalooomia that's a bit of a leap!

OP, I can understand your disappointment but you are realistic enough to know it was kindly meant. Mistakes happen. Give your MIL that hug and move on.

Honestly I think you've dodged a bullet here OP going by your update. It was a lovely offer from your in-laws but it sounds like they would feel invested in the property. Not to mention lenders can be a bit funny about loans and gifts to help deposits. My dad gave us a large chunk of money from an inheritance which we used towards a deposit for our first house and he had to have a letter witnessed stating that the money was a gift and he had no intention of claiming it back.
You'll get there one way or another and won't feel obligated to your in-laws.