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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pursue a relationship with my boss?

124 replies

Bwhistky · 02/09/2020 18:21

I think he likes me. He's giving off somewhat obvious signals but I could be misreading them. I deeply like him. I'm 99% sure that he is single and I plan to move to to a different company within the next few months. AIBU to start subtly flirting and see where it goes?

OP posts:
Rebelwithallthecause · 03/09/2020 11:20

It probably won’t end well but life is short so see where it goes?

AnotherEmma · 03/09/2020 11:23

"I plan to move to to a different company within the next few months."

This sounds vague to me - do you actually have a job offer? You should wait until the job move is confirmed (ie formal job offer in writing, hand in notice at current job) before you pursue anything with your boss.

Also I'm not quite sure how it's going to work to flirt while working from home! So much of flirting relies on body language and subtlety. If you try and flirt remotely it could miss the mark and come across as inappropriate and unprofessional.

If there are any face to face meet-ups (work or social) then by all means go and see what happens but for any other communication, proceed with caution.

Perhaps once you've handed in your notice, you could suggest leaving drinks and encourage him to go. At that point you'll have less to lose.

Everysinglebloodytime · 03/09/2020 11:25

God love you, you're a spring chicken and very naive but haven't we all made mistakes when we were young?

Part of the process of growing up is ignoring people who've been there because you know better and fucking up, then trying to share your wisdom with others who don't want to listen because they think they know it all.

And so the cycle continues...

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/09/2020 11:26

Why would you want a relationship with your boss. Wait till he leaves the company.

thefourgp · 03/09/2020 11:28

@Everysinglebloodytime Correct!

ethelredhead · 03/09/2020 11:29

yeah go for it honey. if it ends badly you can always sue for sexual harassment.
men: do not have sex with subordinates.
your friendly neighbourhood pr adviser

Jocasta2018 · 03/09/2020 11:31

Ask him out for a drink on your last day!

If you're working from home just make sure you're reading the signals ok - as others have said a lot of flirting is very subtle & to do with body language, etc.

Florencex · 03/09/2020 11:34

@Bwhistky

I wasn't going to already, I'm asking for advice but many people are telling me to go for it
Your reading is very very selective if that is your take away. I have only seen a couple of responses saying go for it. The rest seem evenly split between don’t go there or wait until you have left or are a few days from leaving.

I also think there is a chance that you are misinterpreting friendliness and niceness for something else. I have never had any doubt about it when I have had an admirer, the times I was not sure or merely thought there were signals, I was invariably wrong.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/09/2020 11:40

Been there, done that
but when I was working as a student, not in a professional role.
Wouldn't recommend it - although in my case he was a lovely guy and we kept in touch for a few years after I'd left and moved away.

Particularly if you're only thinking about moving on - time there might be longer than you anticipate in current climate - or not if the relationship doesn't work out.

Depending on work environment, can be hard to keep quiet - and other colleagues ban be bitchy/distrustful.

FenellaVelour · 03/09/2020 11:46

When I was young I dated a colleague, horrendous decision, would never do so again.

If you’re sure you’ll never need to work with or alongside him again when you leave, there’s no harm in inviting him for a drink once you’re in your new job. But at least wait until then.

Aweebawbee · 03/09/2020 11:50

I'd be worried about the 1% lack of certainty. I would have thought that if the feelings were mutual that he would have mentioned that he was single.

WendelFong · 03/09/2020 11:58

picsinred Bend and snap GrinGrinGrinGrin

TenDays · 03/09/2020 12:02

Lots of good advice here! It's a long game. Your job situation is very important.

No matter how much you like each other, a relationship would be risky. Your boss would still be exploiting you because he has the power and you don't. He could get in trouble and you could look a twit.

I'd do the following, to summarise previous advice -

  1. Discreetly check up on his relationship status.
  2. If he is available, be very slightly more friendly; not flirty, keep your dignity. Let him appreciate your lovely smile.
  3. When you've secured your new job and settled in, drop him a line.
Mittens030869 · 03/09/2020 12:29

I had a boss like that when I was in my early thirties. He was married, so nothing was ever going to happen as far as I was concerned, but colleagues did start teasing me about how well he and I got on. I did actually really like him and he made me laugh, but that was his personality more than anything else.

It was flattering. I'd recently successfully lost a lot of weight when I started there, so I got a lot of male attention at the time. But in his case, I think he was just a flirtatious character and frankly a bit of a poser.

Looking back, his behaviour was inappropriate. And he continued in the same vein after I'd started seeing my now DH (who I have been married to for 17 years now! Smile).

So I honestly wouldn't assume that this man is even attracted to you. You could have misread the signals.

I'm also sceptical that he's not involved with anyone if he's as amazing as you say. There could well be a girlfriend on the scene that he's keeping quiet about. It might be worth testing the water once you're no longer working there, but I wouldn't count on him either reciprocating your feelings or being available.

Lockdowners · 03/09/2020 12:38

Oh for gods sake people. She’s in her early 20s. At worst this will be a ‘oh my god remember the time I asked out my boss and he wasn’t interested’ story. Also this really depends on the job. Barmaid who doesn’t intend on making a career out of it sleeping with the pub manager? fine. University lecturer sleeping with a professor who could further her career- dodgy.

OP I wouldn’t ask him anything directly just yet until you leave but I would drop non-work chat in a bit more when you are talking to him one on one. Do it subtly at first to see if he responds in kind and gradually ramp it up. Start with telling him something that happened at the weekend that was funny/stressful and then get back into work chat.

Iamthewombat · 03/09/2020 12:56

Again, why is the OP being advised to come up with schemes to charm her boss with funny stories, or ask him out when/if she leaves? She needs to read the situation better. If he likes her, and knows that she is planning to leave, why isn’t he doing these things, or hinting at a changed relationship in the future?

Answer: he doesn’t want a relationship with her. He might enjoy her company whilst being a flirt. I’ve worked with a few men like that, but I always had the sense to see their behaviour for what it was: an amusing ego boost for both sides that isn’t intended to go further. Or, he might have decided that having a relationship with a work colleague is a bad idea. Either way, the OP needs to look elsewhere.

Angelina82 · 03/09/2020 13:41

Why not? Nothing wrong with a bit of subtle flirting is there?

LonginesPrime · 03/09/2020 13:49

I did exactly this. Reader, I married him

Is that supposed to be an endorsement or a cautionary tale, there?!

LakieLady · 03/09/2020 14:01

As a former colleague of mine used to say "Don't poke the payroll".

It rarely ends well.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 03/09/2020 14:13

Do you think that you like him so much you’re finding any excuse that he also feels the same?

Start flirting and see what happens but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Iamthewombat · 03/09/2020 14:36

Worse still, I hope that the OP’s vague plans to ‘move to a different company within the next few months’ were not formed on the basis of leaving in order to remove any barriers to a relationship between her and her current boss.

user1471548941 · 03/09/2020 15:15

Okay going out on a limb here. I did this 2 years ago. I actually left another relationship with a man I owned a house with to do it. I was 25, boss 29.

Similar to you we’d been have long, intense but also easy conversation and communication was starting to move outside of work. Relationships in your reporting line or even in the same department in my workplace are STRICTLY forbidden.

Crossing the line is a bold move and it went well for me but it was definitely more luck than judgement. Here’s what we did.

  1. He made the first move by acknowledging the attracting and saying it made him concerned he could be being seen to favourite me (I was a junior member of a large team).
  1. We spoke at length about our feelings after that online and confirmed to each other we were interested in a serious long term relationship, not just a fling.
  1. We acknowledged one of us had to move roles and he immediately volunteered himself to move, even though it wouldn’t have been best for his career. This gave me confidence in his intentions.
  1. He got a new role and ended up having 3 months notice. This was the first time we actually met up outside of work and did anything. We only ever met in his flat, never went out and kept the entire thing completely secret in this time.
  1. Once he moved we still kept our relationship secret for another year as I received a promotion 6 months later and we didn’t want any rumours that he’d been involved in that. We only actually revealed our relationship when I was also moving to a new department.

3 years on we’re blissfully happy and getting married. But it was risky, we both worried about it at the time and it’s actually a really stressful way to start a new relationship. It certainly wasn’t all flirty looks and great sex, we both found it super stressful managing our behaviour in the office and hoping no one would notice! We were much much happier once he’d moved and we could begin to enjoy it.

So yes I did it, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it. We both were fairly convinced the other person was long term life partner relationship!

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 03/09/2020 16:47

The OP needs to give a rough idea of her job eg professional role vs casual type work.
She also needs to confirm whether she has another job offer in writing and has/is handing in her notice.
Those two points are key to whether this is a good idea or not.

DrDavidBanner · 03/09/2020 19:53

It sure does @Everysinglebloodytime

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