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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pursue a relationship with my boss?

124 replies

Bwhistky · 02/09/2020 18:21

I think he likes me. He's giving off somewhat obvious signals but I could be misreading them. I deeply like him. I'm 99% sure that he is single and I plan to move to to a different company within the next few months. AIBU to start subtly flirting and see where it goes?

OP posts:
Scrumbleton · 02/09/2020 21:24

Life’s too short - go for it - especially if you are going to leave. Let us know what happens

Original poster
Bwhistky · 02/09/2020 22:06

We are all working from home at the moment so I will need to suggest meeting up in person for a drink, but I don't think that would seem too strange would it?

OP posts:
OhYeahYouSuck · 02/09/2020 22:37

Why ask OP? You're clearly going to. Can't see the reason for the thread at all.

WishingOnACarrot · 02/09/2020 22:40

Depends on whether or not he feels the same. See my earlier post. But as OhYeah has said, why ask - you're going to anyway.

billy1966 · 03/09/2020 08:50

@Cassilis

What about the "throbbing manhood"🤦‍♀️🤣 on the last pages of the book before they lived happily ever after....🙄

It's a wonder I'm not damaged from them.
Hilarious...but I loved them for a time

Mine were of the mid 70's era so very very chaste...except for throbbing appendage🤢 🤣

Original poster
Bwhistky · 03/09/2020 08:59

I wasn't going to already, I'm asking for advice but many people are telling me to go for it

OP posts:
Hipflask08 · 03/09/2020 09:13

I’d wait until nearer the time of your leaving, maybe a couple of days before and email him and ask him for a drink. He says no, you’ve only got a couple of days of embarrassment to endure, he says yes, you’ve got a couple of days of flirty eye contact before the drink! There are so many drama llamas on this thread Hmm

BigBlondeBimbo · 03/09/2020 09:24

I had a brief 'relationship' with a boss, when I was 17 and he was probably 40ish. It was weird. Put me off tbh and yes, I do think he probably did take advantage of his position. Definitely happens a lot in hospitality jobs, or it did in those days!

It sounds like you really like him though and he isn't a creep, but I would probably wait till I or he was leaving, just because I've seen some weirdness at work when this happens. How could you date / possibly shag someone and then go into work the next day and take orders from him at work? I personally couldn't. It's weird. Also, if you have colleagues who know you are in a relationship, it can be awkward.

I do know a couple who met this way though. From my NCT mum group. He was married, they met at work. He went off his wife (coincidence Hmm), and they divorced, then this couple got together, got married and have children. They seem happy together and very equal actually, as she progressed at work after he left and they earn similarly huge salaries now. I do find them quite an unusual couple and not really my cup of tea as friends, but they go together very well so 🤷‍♀️.

Iamthewombat · 03/09/2020 09:30

We are all working from home at the moment so I will need to suggest meeting up in person for a drink, but I don't think that would seem too strange would it?

Is this a joke? Of course it would seem strange. You sound like a schoolgirl with a crush. Suppose that he is just a nice, warm person who doesn’t want a relationship with you or anyone else he works with. How embarrassed would he be if one of his team asked him out for a drink with clearly romantic aspirations? He’d run a mile and work would be super awkward.

In any event, if he’s so great and you are so sure that he likes you, why isn’t he asking you out?

Iamthewombat · 03/09/2020 09:31

Is this why vicars apparently have spinster ladies falling for them left, right and centre? Because they vicars are kind and friendly and that is misinterpreted?

Ginfordinner · 03/09/2020 09:36

@ouch321

"early twenties" "Really not that young"

Hahahaha

Grin
GroggyLegs · 03/09/2020 09:44

many people are telling me to go for it

But most are telling you not to, not because we want to ruin your happiness, but because we've all been 22 & have learned a lot about work & relationships since then, mainly by making really shit decisions that we don't want other women to repeat unnecessarily.

If it's a profession, be an adult, take it seriously & secure another job first - What if he has got a partner, he knocks you back & tells the blokes on your team who have a good laugh?

But if it's a weekend bar shift, go for it.

VestaTilley · 03/09/2020 09:55

Don’t even think about it.

It’s totally inappropriate on his part, and shows he’s neither mature nor professional.

You’ll probably both end up sacked, or worse. Don’t do it.

lioncitygirl · 03/09/2020 09:57

I think you already made your mind up - why bother asking if you know you’re going to!?

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2020 10:02

I say go for it. You’re leaving anyway. And if you’re both single why not.

Iamthewombat · 03/09/2020 10:04

many people are telling me to go for it

Threads like this come up fairly regularly. It’s always a variant on, I want to get involved in an inappropriate relationship/risk making a fool of myself, I know that it will probably backfire but I love him blah blah.

Literally, if ONE person says “yes, go for it, life’s too short etc etc” and 200 people say, “don’t be silly”, the OP will decide that the consensus is in favour of her going ahead.

FinallyHere · 03/09/2020 10:16

I’d say a bit of light flirting would do no harm, but wait until you leave before taking it further.

This, ^, wot @TwilightPeace said

Why would you want to pursue a relationship where you can't be open about your partner ? Honesty is a powerful force, don't you want to see how he treats you as his girlfriend in company with his friends?

Honestly, Don't start off as if you have to be ashamed of each other. That's never a good look. Nor is having your success attributed to sleeping with the boss.

Plenty of time to get together once you have secured the new job. And avoid wasting your energy at your new place mooning about him. This is the only life you get and success at work in the early years translates into lots of good things. Now is your time.

TheNanny23 · 03/09/2020 10:24

Please... don’t!

First of all you ‘plan’ to move. A lot of plans are getting kiboshed this year and even if you really want to do this I wouldn’t make any moves until you have a new post and your resignation is in. Otherwise things could get extremely awkward and you may have no exit strategy.

Secondly, how big is your industry and are you likely to cross paths career wise in the future? I have ended up working again and again with some people because of the nature of the work and movement between companies. Tread carefully.

Thirdly- how well do you actually know him? Just because I tend to know if someone at work is in a relationship or not if we chat reasonably frequently. The fact that you don’t actually know if he is single or not rings alarm bells for me.

Yes, I may sound a bit miserable, but I’m only a few years older than you. These romantic ideas that it could all work out and you get married are quite blinkered. There are plenty of men out there, you’ve only got one professional reputation. Is it worth the risk?

Bluesheep8 · 03/09/2020 10:27

I am fairly inexperienced but really not that young. Him and I just get on so well! We have long, easy conversations and I'm constantly thinking about him

You really are that young. And as for 'fairly' inexperienced, I'd say 'very'.
I'd recommend not doing or saying anything unless he does or says something. But it sounds as though you're going to do it anyway. Young, inexperienced people can be quite impetuous.....

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/09/2020 10:51

Sure, some posters are saying Do It. Lots are saying Don't Do It, and lots are saying Wait Til You've Left First. But you're ignoring them...

I'm 50 this year, you do sound very young and immature - not a criticism but an observation - and this has the potential to go horribly, embarrassingly wrong. We've all got stories of work humiliations and dating disasters that we didn't see coming, there's no need to step impulsively into a situation that you don't have to.

If you must, wait until your leaving day. At least then if it all goes pear-shaped it's not happening in front of your new colleagues. It's really unprofessional to do anything before you leave. If that sounds stuffy, it's the immaturity thing again. I suspect though that the fact that he is your boss is a major part of the appeal...

BigBlondeBimbo · 03/09/2020 10:53

It also seems more natural I think, if you do it on the last day. "Ah George, sorry to see you go! It's been lovely working with you. If you fancy it, would you like to get a drink some time"? Or whatever.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/09/2020 10:56

Go for it!

Brainwave89 · 03/09/2020 11:14

Tricky. An awful lot of relationships start at work. An awful lot of them with male bosses and staff within their teams. A lot work and this one might too. So on balance I would go for it. However, ask yourself really carefully if he is in any way abusing his position or if any relationship could compromise you in any way? Only if you are happy with these risks go ahead.

TheHighestSardine · 03/09/2020 11:17

Do it - but do it as a leaving fuck drink, not while you're still there.

Porcupineinwaiting · 03/09/2020 11:18

I did exactly this. Reader, I married him.