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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To pursue a relationship with my boss?

124 replies

Bwhistky · 02/09/2020 18:21

I think he likes me. He's giving off somewhat obvious signals but I could be misreading them. I deeply like him. I'm 99% sure that he is single and I plan to move to to a different company within the next few months. AIBU to start subtly flirting and see where it goes?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/09/2020 20:30

Don't mess where you eat is great advice.

But on the night of your leaving drinks there would be no reason not to!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 02/09/2020 20:31

I would want to be 100% sure that he was single before even contemplating a relationship or any fun.

Suzi888 · 02/09/2020 20:32

Wait for your leaving do! then do it - good luck!

ThisCollie · 02/09/2020 20:33

OP, I got into a relationship with my older boss when I was 20. It really, really was not worth the hassle I got at work when it was found out. Really. How did lockdown affect your work, if at all? Have been thinking about him while working from home for example, for the last few months? Wait till you move work and give it a couple of weeks. If you still like him, get in touch. If not - silly crush! No harm, no foul. 🙂 x

Badger2033 · 02/09/2020 20:33

YANBU - DH was my boss and we are happy as larry. I did move departments before things got serious between us so he wasn’t one of my direct managers any longer.

Honestly there wasn’t anything bad / negative about it and I’ve never looked back. I love him very much.

Sure it could end badly but if that happens you’ll have to put your big girl pants on and deal with it like an adult professional.

Don’t let horror stories put you off.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 02/09/2020 20:36

Depends on the workplace too. If you both work in a pub - not a problem. Professional job where your reputation is important to career progression - don’t do it.

DarkMintChocolate · 02/09/2020 20:40

because people are far more aware of privilege in all its forms and how power can be wielded over people intentionally and unintentionally.

I asked DH out! No abuse of power there!

Nobody had any idea, we were going out until the week I was leaving and I told some of my friends, who were speechless.

Graphista · 02/09/2020 20:42

Early 20’s IS young, myself and I would bet several of those posting have DECADES on you and very likely life experience of situations like this, either being in them themselves or witnessing others who’ve gone through them, I certainly have.

It very very rarely turns out well and often turns out VERY messy and I’m afraid you will likely come off worse than he would. It’s still very much a man’s world I’m afraid

At the very least wait until you’ve left that company a few months - which you will think is ages it is NOT!

Why?

1 it would protect him from any potential allegations or rumours of sackable offences - @nokidshere 40 years ago is a LONG time the regulations and dynamics of workplace relationships has changed massively!

2 it would protect your professional reputation too

3 it would give you both some space to see if you really are attracted to each other when you’re not seeing each other every day. Familiarity can breed contempt, but it can also create a false sense of affinity

4 if you have some space and give him a chance to move towards you then you’ll know if his interest in you is genuine or if you were just conveniently available - men can be lazy sods when it comes to meeting people!

downwardspiral1 · 02/09/2020 20:43

Not especially young, I'm in my early twenties

Erm - early 20s is very young. Early thirties is young. Mid 30s is not especially young but still young. In my book.

Because I am 51 and middle aged - but if you are not especially young I must be from the Stone Age 😂.

Anyway - I vote for flirting once you are almost out the door, exchanging numbers to keep in touch once you have left and take it from there.

Kaiserin · 02/09/2020 20:44

*"early twenties"
"Really not that young"

Hahahaha*

This. Seriously OP, you're barely out of nappies.

Wait till you've left to flirt (if you still want to), so that your ex-boss is no longer at risk of sexual harassment claims.

It's the decent thing to do in this day and age.

Cassilis · 02/09/2020 20:47

I would go for it, I used to devour Mills and Boon novels and the boss always marries his secretary! Grin

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 02/09/2020 20:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DrDavidBanner · 02/09/2020 20:55

Has nobody told you you don't shit where you eat?

Its a crazy idea, and it sounds more like you have a crush an a boss whos being nice to you.

WishingOnACarrot · 02/09/2020 21:03

Does he just have long and easy conversations with you, or is he like it with all his subordinates as standard? Bosses are often charismatic and can /want to make you feel special - but they may be like it to everyone.... No harm in going for it once you've left, but I'd make sure I've read the signs correctly first!

TheHumanRubbishBin · 02/09/2020 21:04

You sound really immature, to be honest.

Early 20's is very young. If you did have a relationship with him not only would the power dynamics be messed up but if it went sour then it would be you who ends up with a reputation and it will most likely follow you.

Bwhistky · 02/09/2020 21:05

@DrDavidBanner

Has nobody told you you don't shit where you eat?

Its a crazy idea, and it sounds more like you have a crush an a boss whos being nice to you.

It's more than him being nice, he's also funny, charming, intelligent and very handsome
OP posts:
pasteldechocolateconchispa · 02/09/2020 21:06

Never get your honey where you get your money...it’s not wise. I was given that advice and laughed. Don’t ignore it. I did and i never done it again.

KenDodd · 02/09/2020 21:07

Another go for it vote from me.

Your leaving drinks are the perfect chance :)

Honestly, the doom and gloom merchants on here.
Yes, your career is important and starting something with him might go horribly wrong but you might fall in love, get married and have lots of children together. If you ask people what is more important, your partner or your career, most will say their partner and private life/family is more important, I bet you'd grab a career opportunity, grab a relationship opportunity as well.

LonginesPrime · 02/09/2020 21:08

I would go for it, I used to devour Mills and Boon novels and the boss always marries his secretary!

FFS, well that's ruined the ending for me now!

WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 02/09/2020 21:08

Why not! If he's not attached & neither are you. Go for it.

billy1966 · 02/09/2020 21:10

@Cassilis I adored Mills &Boon as an 11 year old.
My darling grandmother loved them and l devoured them too for about two years.

I loved the office ones too..the dark, brooding, powerful Boss"s...🤪🙄 🤣

I now realise the Boss was ACTUALLY .....an anally rententive, emotionally stunted twat..... that most women would be divorcing after 2 years ......having had more than enough...even if he was very easy on the eye!🤣👍

Cassilis · 02/09/2020 21:13

@LonginesPrime

I would go for it, I used to devour Mills and Boon novels and the boss always marries his secretary!

FFS, well that's ruined the ending for me now!

Sorry! That’s about 10,000 M&Bs ruined for you! Grin
Whatifitallgoesright · 02/09/2020 21:17

I had a ONS then went on to work for the bloke. He was my boss for 2yrs then we got together after I'd finished with boyfriend. 14yrs and one kid later still together. Hate him now though. Ha ha.

Cassilis · 02/09/2020 21:18

@billy1966

I read them from 12 well into adulthood Blush

the Boss was ACTUALLY .....an anally rententive, emotionally stunted twat..... that most women would be divorcing after 2 years

This is so true! As an adult I see many of the heroes were quite abusive and the ‘forced seduction’ was actually rape! But some were indeed swoonworthy Grin 🤪

Newfornow · 02/09/2020 21:22

Tell him on your way out. Keep it professional.

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