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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not responsible for DHs actions

89 replies

NoProblama · 02/09/2020 09:56

DH and MIL had an argument a few months back. Now I won't get into details of the argument because it isn't the point of my post, but I will just say, DH was very calm and collected during the argument, MIL was not. DH was also in the right. MIL is a very cold and nasty person overall, she can never admit fault or take any blame for anything.

She has decided that she will not come and see the kids until DH apologises to her, which he is not going to do. We have discussed it and he and I both feel her behaviour is awful, she has posted multiple Facebook statuses about the situation, including doing it while we were in the hospital having our daughter 7 weeks ago. I honestly don't want her here at all anyway after the way she has behaved and neither does DH.

Anyway, she text me a couple of days ago calling me a cunt and telling me I'm 'just as bad' as DH for allowing him to 'carry on'.. Am I wrong in thinking that it's not my fucking responsibility to control his actions? Like regardless of wether I believed he was right or not, since when is it up to me to make sure he's behaving exactly how his mother wants him to? I have said very little to MIL regarding the situation, the only things I have said is that she shouldn't be including my children in her drama. I've stayed out of it as much as I could because I've just had a baby and am not interested in fighting with anyone, and it's also got pretty much nothing to do with me, it's not my argument.

I've now told DH that if or when he speaks to her again, she's not welcome in my house and I don't particularly want her around my kids either. I don't think it's acceptable to speak to the mother of your grandkids that way, especially for no good reason. DH has agreed with me, but am I being over the top? Im so all over the place since having our most recent baby that I honestly don't know if I'm being too thin skinned. It's not the first time she's spoken to me this way, and she speaks to and about her other DIL the same.

This is probably really confusing because to be honest, I'm quite confused myself.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 02/09/2020 09:57

She sounds awful. What a great excuse to go non contact

LovingLola · 02/09/2020 09:58

I would block her.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 02/09/2020 09:59

No one who called me a cunt would be welcome in my house or near my children. I don’t care what the backstory is. That’s just vile. She dragged you into it, not the other way round. Stand your ground.

LonginesPrime · 02/09/2020 10:00

Am I wrong in thinking that it's not my fucking responsibility to control his actions?

Is this a genuine question?

Lweji · 02/09/2020 10:00

If you ever wanted to reply to that it should be only to tell her that you'll have to agree with your DH given her treatment of you.

Your children will thank both of you.

Original poster

NoProblama · 02/09/2020 10:01

@LonginesPrime

Am I wrong in thinking that it's not my fucking responsibility to control his actions?

Is this a genuine question?

Yes because aparently a couple of people agree with her that I'm just as bad for allowing it.. And it's not the first time I've seen a woman being blamed for her husbands actions.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 02/09/2020 10:01

You are not being too thin skinned.

Text her back just the once saying that you refuse to be spoken to like that and are cutting contact now. Then block her number, her email and all social media.

BigBlondeBimbo · 02/09/2020 10:02

Jesus, YANBU, on both points; regardless of his behaviour, you aren't his keeper. You can't get involved with his relationship with his horrible mum. And also, her behaviour is terrible, even if it the argument was his fault. I also believe you when you say her behaviour during the argument was bad, while his wasn't as she is a granny who calls people cunts . She sounds foul. Leave her to ruin other people's lives. You certainly don't need her in yours or your DC's.

LonelyFromCorona · 02/09/2020 10:02

Sounds awful. Sounds like your DP is on board - time to completely no contact her....

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2020 10:02

What’s confusing?! She’s revolting. She’s rude and abusive. She’s coming nowhere near you, your home, your child. You back your husband up. You block her immediately.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/09/2020 10:02

You're not being thin skinned. Swearing at someone who has recently given birth because of something their husband did is absurd

ClementineWoolysocks · 02/09/2020 10:05

You're only responsible for your own actions.
Block her number and move on from this.

Topseyt · 02/09/2020 10:05

I presume you only have her word that other people agree with her. It might not be accurate.

Even if they have agreed, it will be because she won't have told them the whole truth. Only her own, sanitised "poor, poor me" version.

ChateauMargaux · 02/09/2020 10:05

You are not being thin skinned.

Reply:
MIL, it is not OK to call me a cunt and I am.not responsible for DH's behaviour. Please take this up with him directly. If you cannot be civil to me, you will not be welcome in my house.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 02/09/2020 10:06

And now you get to enjoy your quiet life op.. Nowt wrong in going nc with family ime.. Your dc do not need her around.

Lweji · 02/09/2020 10:11

Who agreed with her? Her friends?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2020 10:12

I wouldn’t reply. Just block her. Don’t respond to her, she doesn’t deserve it.

Original poster

NoProblama · 02/09/2020 10:17

@Lweji

Who agreed with her? Her friends?

I assume so, BIL has also told me himself that he's 'on her side' it's honestly like being in a children's playground.

Just to add, i have got her blocked on social media, DH asked me to after we had he baby as he didn't want to see any more statuses from her, he wants to just forget about her completely.

OP posts:

diplodocusinermine · 02/09/2020 10:19

Don't respond. Just be thankful she has removed herself from your lives.

Would suggest a conversation with your DH where you perhaps agree none of you will have any contact with her again, block her on phones and social media and relax into your lives with your family without her malevolent presence in the background.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2020 10:21

BIL is a flying monkey. Block him too.

This is a precious time for you and DH and your baby (not sure if you have older DC too) and you do not need this shit hanging over you. People who can’t respect that need to fuck off.

Block all the arseholes. Don’t engage. Pretend they don’t exist and concentrate on your baby.

billy1966 · 02/09/2020 10:25

Why would you want such a foul individual near your family?

pointythings · 02/09/2020 10:31

I think you should take the lead from your DH and just go full no contact. His family sound toxic and awful.

jessstan2 · 02/09/2020 10:36

My goodness, your mother in law should know better than to call you that. She is being horrible and spiteful. Families have rows but they usually blow over, using that language to you needs a big grovel. How old is she for goodness sake?

Nomorepies · 02/09/2020 10:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Watermama · 02/09/2020 10:36

YANBU anyone who text and treated me that way would never set foot in my home again and would have very limited interactions with my children.

My family have a bit of a similar attitude, that woman should be peacekeepers and interfere to get their partners to make up/accept/do something that the wider family seems necessary for keeping the peace.

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