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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not responsible for DHs actions

89 replies

NoProblama · 02/09/2020 09:56

DH and MIL had an argument a few months back. Now I won't get into details of the argument because it isn't the point of my post, but I will just say, DH was very calm and collected during the argument, MIL was not. DH was also in the right. MIL is a very cold and nasty person overall, she can never admit fault or take any blame for anything.

She has decided that she will not come and see the kids until DH apologises to her, which he is not going to do. We have discussed it and he and I both feel her behaviour is awful, she has posted multiple Facebook statuses about the situation, including doing it while we were in the hospital having our daughter 7 weeks ago. I honestly don't want her here at all anyway after the way she has behaved and neither does DH.

Anyway, she text me a couple of days ago calling me a cunt and telling me I'm 'just as bad' as DH for allowing him to 'carry on'.. Am I wrong in thinking that it's not my fucking responsibility to control his actions? Like regardless of wether I believed he was right or not, since when is it up to me to make sure he's behaving exactly how his mother wants him to? I have said very little to MIL regarding the situation, the only things I have said is that she shouldn't be including my children in her drama. I've stayed out of it as much as I could because I've just had a baby and am not interested in fighting with anyone, and it's also got pretty much nothing to do with me, it's not my argument.

I've now told DH that if or when he speaks to her again, she's not welcome in my house and I don't particularly want her around my kids either. I don't think it's acceptable to speak to the mother of your grandkids that way, especially for no good reason. DH has agreed with me, but am I being over the top? Im so all over the place since having our most recent baby that I honestly don't know if I'm being too thin skinned. It's not the first time she's spoken to me this way, and she speaks to and about her other DIL the same.

This is probably really confusing because to be honest, I'm quite confused myself.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 02/09/2020 11:24

I would never speak to her again and she would never see my children again.

And if they were old enough to have remembered her I would tell them that we wouldn’t be seeing her again because she wasn’t a nice person, and I would bring the younger ones up and tell them exactly the same. Only once.

But I’d be tempted to tell her I’d told them she was dead.... Even though I wouldn’t actually do it....

SockYarn · 02/09/2020 11:29

Trying to imagine a world where my MIL would ever use that word, in any context, to anyone. Nope, can't.

OP it sounds like a episode of Shameless. Keep well out of it.

TwoFlatWhitesToWakeUp · 02/09/2020 11:29

Block her on all SM and on your phone. Don't respond to the message. Leave it as the last thing she said to you.
Block, ignore, don't engage with her or anyone else who wants to talk about the dramas .....repeat.

If my MIL called me that name I would never speak to her again in my whole life.

Original poster

NoProblama · 02/09/2020 11:29

@billybagpuss

Did you answer the text?

I told her to be careful, her true colours are showing. I've just realised she's actually blocked me on WhatsApp

I'd imagine she'll unblock at some point. DH is changing his number so she has no way of contacting him, I may do the same.

Its nice to know I'm not over reacting, I've spent my whole life taking shit off my own mother who's now changed her ways a significantly since I had children, I really don't want to start taking it off my MIL.

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 02/09/2020 11:31

It takes a certain type of individual to call anyone a cunt IRL simply because they haven't got their way. I'd not want contact with that person.

YANBU regardless of the whys and wherefores of the argument.

Ughmaybenot · 02/09/2020 11:33

I would block her on every platform I could and never speak to her again. How dare she?! Im not normally too bothered about swearing but calling you a cunt for something you weren’t even involved with directly (and after the event, so not even in the heat of the moment, still no excuse but..) is just beyond forgiveness imo.

monkeyonthetable · 02/09/2020 11:37

Steer clear. It is an unbelievable weight of your mind to go NC with really vicious, manipulative family members. You think it will be traumatic and heartbreaking. Instead it is liberating and relaxing and improves your MH no end. You have a new baby to care for - you don't need her toddler tantrums and your DC don't need her poison.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/09/2020 11:38

I really don't want to start taking it off my MIL.

That sounds a bit weak OP. It should read I’m NOT going to take it off my MIL.

Can’t you just block her everywhere. Changing phone numbers is a pain in arse and she will no doubt get hold of your new numbers from someone (possibly BIL) and you will have gone through that process for nothing. I would tell BIL you will not discuss it with him, end of.

What a utterly vile woman. It sounds like the relationships in that family are totally dysfunctional. The best thing for your family is to not get sucked into any of it. Just stay away.

justasking111 · 02/09/2020 11:46

My DS did not understand why I finally blocked my mother from our lives. He used to ask why couldn`t we make up again because it was always her who went off on one spoiling events with her dramas.

As a dad himself now with a MIL who is somewhat flaky, he has laid down ground rules to protect his children. He finally understands why I did it.

You go no contact to protective your children as much as yourselves.

Mythreeknights · 02/09/2020 11:47

She called you a cunt, there's nothing more to think about.

LostFrog · 02/09/2020 11:52

I am sorry that your children will miss out on having a relationship with their granny, but I cannot see any way around it. I’m sorry but even without anything else the c bomb would be it for me.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/09/2020 11:56

I would just send her a blunt message back saying

"I am not responsible for the actions of other adults. I take responsibility for my children, but adults are responsible for themselves. Please don't verbally abuse me or call me names again"

tribpot · 02/09/2020 11:57

Fuck that shit. All of it.

No, you aren't responsible for DH's actions but more fundamentally, you don't need any of this toxicity in your life, and neither does your DH.

As others have said, anyone who used that word to me would be on a lifetime ban.

Block her, block the flying monkeys, move on.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2020 11:58

Of course yanbu, the good news is you and your dh are on the same page about it so you can block and get on with your lives

SoulofanAggron · 02/09/2020 11:59

You're not wrong- she called you a cunt so she doesn't get to come into your home.

I don't think she even sounds like the sort of person where if she apologized for calling you that (not that she probably would) then you could put it behind you.

Something else would happen sooner or later.

katy1213 · 02/09/2020 11:59

That would be the last time she'd set foot over my threshold. If only because I wouldn't want my children picking up her foul language.

NoSquirrels · 02/09/2020 12:00

If your husband - her own son - wants nothing to do with her, then you should support him anyway. Calling you a cunt is just the icing on the cake to feeling justified in not bothering with her.

Don't give her any more mind. Refuse to engage with anyone who wishes to plead on her behalf. You get back what you give out, and she's hardly going to be a loss to her grandchildren, I would suggest.

Decentsalnotime · 02/09/2020 12:03

Excuse me
She called you a “”?

On the basis of that, this woman would play no further part in my family’s life.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/09/2020 12:11

I agree you are not responsible for his actions and the behavious is terrible.

But by the same token, it's also your DHs house and children and if he eventually allows her in etc, that's also his decison, you don't have to be there though.

Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 02/09/2020 12:11

Anyone who calls me a cunt gets dumped so fast. I have ended a relationship because of being called that word. I'm worthy of respect and will not tolerate anything less. I will not be spoken to that way by anyone.

You are not too sensitive

ddl1 · 02/09/2020 12:15

YANBU! And I don't blame you for not wanting her in your house after she called you a cunt!!!

Decentsalnotime · 02/09/2020 12:16

@WaxOnFeckOff

Did you read that this woman called the OP, his wife, a cunt?

I would be horrified if he wanted his mother to be around his wife and children following this

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2020 12:16

@Wowcherarestalkingme

No one who called me a cunt would be welcome in my house or near my children. I don’t care what the backstory is. That’s just vile. She dragged you into it, not the other way round. Stand your ground.

As above.

As she's defaming you o FB, I would be tempted to post her nasty text, too, so people can see who is the aggressor here (don't know if this can be done - I don't do FB).

What a horrible thing to say about anyone, let alone the mother of your GC.

Poulter · 02/09/2020 12:21

She called you a cunt? She expected you to back her against your own husband? She then dumps her own GC?

Anyone who does any of these things is deranged. She's clearly manipulative and unpleasant. Well done to your DH for seeing the light and well done to you for supporting him. She's trying to use fear, obligation and guilt to control you.

I've fallen out with a family member but no way would I weaponise my children in my argument against them. Provided they treat my DC well i would not interfere. Your MiL IS trying to use your DC against you by refusing to see them until you toe the line. It's inexcusable in my view.

mbosnz · 02/09/2020 12:23

What a wonderful opportunity to springclean your lives, and get rid of some really toxic rubbish.

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